Monday, November 16, 2015

Before Chemo, Nov 16

I come to terms that there is really no escape from feelings of vulnerability as my body declines. Refugees, children, women, elderly, and a lot of people experience various forms of vulnerabilities in their circumstances. I have lived a life too privileged to understand their pain. I look up to God for “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).” . I had half of my 1st chemo shot last Tuesday and tomorrow I will have the other half shot. My brother visited last weekend and I felt rested that I had said goodbye to all my family members. Prior to my chemotherapy, I settled most matters. I arranged to give away my money, my clothes, my jewelry, my professional books, etc. and now I am left with the basics. I am happy about making these arrangements. Giving away our possessions really helps us detach from earthly things. I thought about how Jesus’ disciples left “everything” to follow Jesus. It is not easy to give away one’s possessions. I cannot quite do that until this moment with a terminal illness. The harder part is giving away our desires to be significant, accomplished, powerful, admirable, excellent, etc. in the worldly sense. Only in the face of death can I leave this behind. There is actually tremendous peace. These days I am dependent on my family and friends’ love and care to sustain me. And I try my best to live because of their love for me. If the Lord would heal me, I pray that He would teach me how to live life. If the Lord would receive me to His bosom, I pray that He would help me follow Him step by step with faith. 我慢慢接受了在身體衰敗的過程中, 感到自己的脆弱是在所難免的。在世界的不同角落,不同的人(如難民,兒童,婦女,老人,病人)每天都經歷著不同程度的無助和軟弱,我一直過著安舒的生活,對他們的痛苦理解很少,服侍他們的機會更少。 我惟有仰望神,因“耶 和 華 靠 近 傷 心 的 人 , 拯 救 靈 性 痛 悔 的 人(詩34:18)。” 我上星期二開始化療, 在化療前已作好準備。我哥哥回港探望我以後, 我感到十分平安, 跟家人都有一個道別的機會, 能再見面便是格外的恩典。我接著處理了大部份的事務, 把我的錢,衣服,首飾,專業書籍等安排給了他人, 現在我只剩下基本需要了。對這些安排, 我感覺良好, 撇下世上的財物使我們對世上的事物少了眷戀。我想到耶穌的門徒撇下“一切”跟隨祂, 這是絕不容易的,我一直不能做到這一點,直到這一刻有了絕症才能慢慢放下。更困難的是放下渴望成功,優秀,強勢,被敬重等等各樣的欲望, 但這些欲望也是屬世界的,是虛無飄渺。也許只有在面對死亡的時候,人才能從這些欲望釋放出來,得到前所未有的平安。但也有在面對死亡時候心有不甘的, 更感痛苦遺憾。 這些日子,我依賴我的家人和朋友的愛和關懷,來維持我的生命。我也盡我所能,好好的活著, 以報答他們的愛和付出。主若醫治我使我復原,我祈求祂教我如何生活。若主接我到祂懷裡,我祈求祂幫助我憑信一步一步跟隨祂!

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Pain of Dying, Nov 8

The past two weeks have been difficult. I learned that the target therapy was not working well and the oncologist recommended me to prepare for 6 cycles of chemotherapy shot. I was also hospitalization again to have pleural (lung) fluid removed. The hospitalization was unpleasant. First I did not have the usual pain medication provided. Second the removal was difficult, triggering more coughing. Third, I was bed-ridden that night. I (and two other ladies) needed pee-pans. These things were not immediately available as one would wish. Spilling the contents would mess up the bed and clothes you wear. Due to the medication, I also had problems urinating. Combining these three factors, this set off my anxiety over loss of bodily control and feelings of vulnerability, which lingered on for the past two weeks. I do not want to romanticize the dying process. I have wanted to finish my race with things wrapped up neatly and organized. I have wanted to be the child ready to reunite with parents’ after a long day of school, with everything well done. I hope to be immediately taken by the Lord and be spared of the “dying.” In reality, I toss and turn over the pain and discomfort. I worry about gasping for air, excreting waste, etc.. Yes, there is the spiritual aspect embracing God in the dying process. But the physical and emotional aspects are also very real. I felt that my “vulnerable self” is taking over my usual self. It is as if I regress to the fearful child who cry and cry, over and over unknown pains and discomforts and loss of control. We are to meet God broken and naked. Old Testament Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I feel this nakedness – as I am. Despite all the years of effort overcoming these primitive fears to become confident, capable, achieving, educated, etc.. I do not want to feel naked, helpless and vulnerable. In the dying process, you have to face again who I am. In my nakedness, I cried to the Lord for mercy. Specific prayer items: 1) Chemotherapy beginning Nov 10. 2) Victor and I having peace in the Lord together regarding His will. 3) Holding onto His presence in times of physical and emotional pain.