Today I have my last session of radiotherapy! I came home and enjoyed a delightful shower! It is great after 5 weeks of having only partial showers. [Praise God my skin is still okay and I only need to be careful.]
One uncertainty that many cancer patients have to face is recurrence. I have pondered about this on and off during the course of treatment - Am I healed and would continue my "normal" life or would there be a recurrence of cancer somewhere down the road? Should I be prepared for a "shortened" life or should I look ahead to many more years on earth? The "control freak" in me wants to "know" to plan accordinly. Although I have wanted (and asked for) some signs or assurance from the Lord that I would have my "normal" life back, the Lord has not granted this wish. Instead I am reminded that God, the author of life, will write my life script. Therefore I could (or should) only surrender to His perfect plan. I will continue my life journey and fight the Good Fight as a Cheerful Helper until the time to meet Him arrives. [As Paul said in 2 Tim 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."]
THANK YOU and GOODBYE
I want to thank all of you for your support - your prayers, comments and words of encouragement have been a great blessing, carrying me through during this difficult time. Your prayer makes a difference!
Well, I am going to say GOODBYE here. [You can still share this blog with friends who may benefit from reading my experience during cancer.] If you are still interested to find out what is going on with me, I am moving onto a new blog at http://www.cheerfulhelper.blogspot.com.
I want to hear about how your life is going on as well. So do keep in touch!
Last Prayer Request
Please join me in praying for opportunities to have a ministry amongst students from mainland China in Macau. The Bible study group I tried to get going before breast cancer has "fallen apart," so I am praying for new directions.
With love,
Doris
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
October 7 Three Blessings in Illness
I have experienced God’s blessings more fully during my illness. Let me share with you my three highlights:
1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.
2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.
I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.
The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]
I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.
3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).
In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.
May we worship Him!
1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.
2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.
I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.
The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]
I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.
3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).
In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.
May we worship Him!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
October 6 Three Lessons Learned
I am counting down to 3 more radiotherapy sessions! My skin is alright and the doctor did not even prescribe anything for it. Now the sessions go quickly - I have learned to undress quickly and efficently place myself in the right (although still awkward) position. Now I focus on praying for only one thing and there is not really enough time to finish. Today I pray for my friend (same-age) on a short-term medical mission in Haiti. She is carrying 50 lbs of supplies and flying alone. May the Lord be with her; bless the team and use them to bring hope and healing to the people served.
As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.
First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.
Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.
Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.
May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!
As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.
First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.
Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.
Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.
May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
October 2 Three Signs of Recovery
There are some signs of recovery!
First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.
Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.
Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.
I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.
First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.
Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.
Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.
I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
September 23 Seeking His Path
Today I had my 13th session of radiotherapy, meaning I am more than half-way through and there are only twelve more to go! Now I pray more intensely during the treatment session and it goes fast because I barely make through 3 prayer items. It is amazing how focusing on the Lord can do.
Yesterday was a trying day. After the radiotherapy session, Victor and I went to Macau for my class. The ferry ride was so rocky we both broke into cold sweat. Victor got the bag ready for vomit. Fortunately we were spared. It was so bad I questioned again whether I can manage teaching in Macau. When we arrived, it was raining so hard I prayed for it to turn into a drizzle so that I could go back to campus. I ended up getting late for my appointment because I simply could not walk as fast as I used to. I had small group meetings with students yesterday. The small groups went well. I love what I do! I noted that when my mind is focused (on tasks or with people), I can be so absorbed I forget my hunger, physical pain and everything (e.g how hard the ferry ride was). The positive side is that I really enjoy what I do and I can be very productive in such condition. The negative side is I can be so focused on the mind and the activities that I totally neglect my bodily needs. I need to find out the activity level that is good and fitting for me.
Whever I pray for healing, I yearn for restoration of my health, particularly my energy level. I am waiting on the Lord to show me more about His will and His plan for me such that I can make changes accordingly. I realize what I long for most is not the revitalization of energy, but rather I want to be assured that I am walking in the center of His will - that is where I can find peace. Pray with me that I may know His path and follow with joy.
Yesterday was a trying day. After the radiotherapy session, Victor and I went to Macau for my class. The ferry ride was so rocky we both broke into cold sweat. Victor got the bag ready for vomit. Fortunately we were spared. It was so bad I questioned again whether I can manage teaching in Macau. When we arrived, it was raining so hard I prayed for it to turn into a drizzle so that I could go back to campus. I ended up getting late for my appointment because I simply could not walk as fast as I used to. I had small group meetings with students yesterday. The small groups went well. I love what I do! I noted that when my mind is focused (on tasks or with people), I can be so absorbed I forget my hunger, physical pain and everything (e.g how hard the ferry ride was). The positive side is that I really enjoy what I do and I can be very productive in such condition. The negative side is I can be so focused on the mind and the activities that I totally neglect my bodily needs. I need to find out the activity level that is good and fitting for me.
Whever I pray for healing, I yearn for restoration of my health, particularly my energy level. I am waiting on the Lord to show me more about His will and His plan for me such that I can make changes accordingly. I realize what I long for most is not the revitalization of energy, but rather I want to be assured that I am walking in the center of His will - that is where I can find peace. Pray with me that I may know His path and follow with joy.
Friday, September 17, 2010
September 17 Please Pray for Our Friends
The second week of radiotherapy is over! Today the machine broke down again so we had to wait patiently. My throat sores, not sure whether it is due to the side effects of radiotherapy or some kind of infection. So I am trying to be cautious as infection will delay the radiotherapy. Yet I am learning to trust in the Lord's timing - His sovereign will is higher than mine.
Some friends are concerned how I am doing. I actually am doing okay. Most people who visit or talk to me on the phone think I sound good. I still joke! I was very alive during my lecture on Wednesday. It is my "occupational tendency" (or 職業病) to feel like I should be attentive to others and contain my own feelings when I am face-to-face with people,. Writing the blog is a new venture, it allows me to express deeper feelings and be more open, sharing my struggles and vulnerabilities, which I usually am uncertain whether it is appropriate or not.
We have some sad news. Victor's friend passed away during a scuba diving accident, leaving his wife and two young kids behind. Please pray for the Lord's special presence with this family. This reminds us again we need to trust in God's sovereign will. My high school buddy is also diagnosed with breast cancer and she is going to have her operation next Tuesday. I pray that the Lord will strengthen her faith and that this may be an opportunity for her family members to come to know the Lord.
Some friends are concerned how I am doing. I actually am doing okay. Most people who visit or talk to me on the phone think I sound good. I still joke! I was very alive during my lecture on Wednesday. It is my "occupational tendency" (or 職業病) to feel like I should be attentive to others and contain my own feelings when I am face-to-face with people,. Writing the blog is a new venture, it allows me to express deeper feelings and be more open, sharing my struggles and vulnerabilities, which I usually am uncertain whether it is appropriate or not.
We have some sad news. Victor's friend passed away during a scuba diving accident, leaving his wife and two young kids behind. Please pray for the Lord's special presence with this family. This reminds us again we need to trust in God's sovereign will. My high school buddy is also diagnosed with breast cancer and she is going to have her operation next Tuesday. I pray that the Lord will strengthen her faith and that this may be an opportunity for her family members to come to know the Lord.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
September 14 Getting used to Radiotherapy
I am gradually recovering, trying to stay positive and humbly acknowledging my limitations. Victor noted that if I joke, I am okay. If I do not, that is not good. If I start to snap back in English, it is usually a bad omen (precursor to a fever!)
Last Sunday I was able to go to church after missing worship services for a few weeks due to the fever and body weaknesses. The sermon was on Psalm 27, one of my favorite Psalms. It was a special blessing! [V.13-14 “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” NIV]
I am getting used to the radiotherapy sessions now, learning to cooperate with the staff when they work on my half-naked body in its awkward position. The key is to be passive and let them move you. I am somewhat surprised but glad that I learn to “cooperate” quickly. When I lie there, my mind tends to drift here and there. Today I thought about individuals with developmental disabilities, a population particularly vulnerable to abuse. At one point in my life I have some “expertise” on sexual abuse issues related to this population. They are a high risk population because they have to be reliant on others to take care of their bodies and have often been taught to be compliant. Bodily boundaries are blurred and sometimes being too compliant may put them at risk. You may think that the assoication of radiotherapy to sexual abuse of individuals with developmental disabilities is remote. It is amazing how this patient role has allowed (forced?) me to experience things from very different perspectives. These days I think about people I had worked with (or served) in the past and sometimes gain new insights because of my patient role. I pray that I would have more understanding, empathy and compassion in the days to come.
As for the teaching, I am learning to pray more for wisdom so that I can offer my best to the students. Plus, I want to do it with more of my “heart.” I appreciate your prayers on this. Tomorrow I will be traveling back for my class.
Last Sunday I was able to go to church after missing worship services for a few weeks due to the fever and body weaknesses. The sermon was on Psalm 27, one of my favorite Psalms. It was a special blessing! [V.13-14 “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” NIV]
I am getting used to the radiotherapy sessions now, learning to cooperate with the staff when they work on my half-naked body in its awkward position. The key is to be passive and let them move you. I am somewhat surprised but glad that I learn to “cooperate” quickly. When I lie there, my mind tends to drift here and there. Today I thought about individuals with developmental disabilities, a population particularly vulnerable to abuse. At one point in my life I have some “expertise” on sexual abuse issues related to this population. They are a high risk population because they have to be reliant on others to take care of their bodies and have often been taught to be compliant. Bodily boundaries are blurred and sometimes being too compliant may put them at risk. You may think that the assoication of radiotherapy to sexual abuse of individuals with developmental disabilities is remote. It is amazing how this patient role has allowed (forced?) me to experience things from very different perspectives. These days I think about people I had worked with (or served) in the past and sometimes gain new insights because of my patient role. I pray that I would have more understanding, empathy and compassion in the days to come.
As for the teaching, I am learning to pray more for wisdom so that I can offer my best to the students. Plus, I want to do it with more of my “heart.” I appreciate your prayers on this. Tomorrow I will be traveling back for my class.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
September 9 Day of Rest
Yesterday the radiation machine had problems and everything was delayed. We got notified but it was still a long wait. One thing about being a patient is that you can only be patient. We were all watching this tragic soap opera on TV and there was really no escape from the drama in the waiting room.
Due to the machine problem, the treatment session was cancelled today. The bad news is it would prolong the treatment. The good news is I can take a break without having to run around too much. This allows me some time to rest and recuperate.
I am learning to be still during the radiotherapy session. It is easier now because the actual treatment session is short and my arms would not go numb. I guess in ordinary life it is hard for me to be still too. I tend to feel my existence through activities and my aliveness only in action. It takes some will power to stay still and not get agitated! Therefore it is difficult to imagine a life without movement and actions. Yet, “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)
I reviewed my study notes on healing. Here is one of my favorite verses:
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who (heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who (crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. (Psalm 103: 1-5) (NASB)
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words.
Due to the machine problem, the treatment session was cancelled today. The bad news is it would prolong the treatment. The good news is I can take a break without having to run around too much. This allows me some time to rest and recuperate.
I am learning to be still during the radiotherapy session. It is easier now because the actual treatment session is short and my arms would not go numb. I guess in ordinary life it is hard for me to be still too. I tend to feel my existence through activities and my aliveness only in action. It takes some will power to stay still and not get agitated! Therefore it is difficult to imagine a life without movement and actions. Yet, “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)
I reviewed my study notes on healing. Here is one of my favorite verses:
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who (heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who (crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. (Psalm 103: 1-5) (NASB)
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words.
Monday, September 6, 2010
September 6 First Day of Radiation therapy
A lot has happened since my last blog entry. My condition stabilized towards the end of the week. The benefit of the experience is that I am more aware of my body. My usual body temperature is 36.8 to 37.0. When it is 37.4, I would feel quite irritable. When it reaches 38.0, my thoughts become quite negative and my judgment is not good. Now I know to order myself to rest more readily. Another benefit was that I quickly seek help from colleagues to substitute for me for the weekend student retreat I was responsible for. I was able to go back to Macau on Saturday and Sunday and manage to attend two sessions. Victor and I returned on Sunday night; I rested and got ready for today’s radiation therapy.
I was thankful for the students’ support. I realized I do really love what I do. It is a privilege and I am grateful for ten good years in higher education the Lord has given me. There are tears too, which has helped me grow as a person and enriched my life. It dawned on me that there may be a day when I would not be up to par to give my students the best education experience I would like to, and that it is possible that I cannot hold my job. I may still be able to work, but a significant reduction of workload and not keeping a “career-type” job. I may not be able to advance anymore. I feel sad. I have always wanted to learn, to improve myself, to become better, to advance, to discover my potential, to reach the impossible dream… I have always prayed that I would become the woman God wants me to. For once, I believe that perhaps I have become the woman God wants me to be. However I may not become the woman I want to be. If it is the Lord who is writing the script, can I truly be contented with who I am?
Today I had my first radiation therapy.
I had to lie on my back, raised my hands up next to my head and stayed in the exact position without moving. It took the team quite a while to figure out the details and they have to call on the doctors to check things out. During this time my left arm had become so numb I almost felt “dissociated” from it. I began to feel panicky as this triggers some of my deeper fears: that I would lose control over my body while my mind is still active and alive. Lately I have thought a lot about my sister (who was in a vegetative state after a car accident) and my mother (who passed away having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, a progressive neurodegenerative disease). I was shocked by my own reaction - I was close to being in tears and I had to tell the staff I was about to panic (and move). On one hand, I am working on trustful surrender to the Lord’s sovereignty over my body under all circumstances and that His love would be there to carry me through. On the other hand, I am also working on faith in His healing power, that it is possible for me to regain health and live a vibrant life. It seems that true faith requires me to have both. The fluctuation in bodily temperature, the side effects from chemotherapy and this numbness had stirred up all this. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and grant me faith in Him
I was thankful for the students’ support. I realized I do really love what I do. It is a privilege and I am grateful for ten good years in higher education the Lord has given me. There are tears too, which has helped me grow as a person and enriched my life. It dawned on me that there may be a day when I would not be up to par to give my students the best education experience I would like to, and that it is possible that I cannot hold my job. I may still be able to work, but a significant reduction of workload and not keeping a “career-type” job. I may not be able to advance anymore. I feel sad. I have always wanted to learn, to improve myself, to become better, to advance, to discover my potential, to reach the impossible dream… I have always prayed that I would become the woman God wants me to. For once, I believe that perhaps I have become the woman God wants me to be. However I may not become the woman I want to be. If it is the Lord who is writing the script, can I truly be contented with who I am?
Today I had my first radiation therapy.
I had to lie on my back, raised my hands up next to my head and stayed in the exact position without moving. It took the team quite a while to figure out the details and they have to call on the doctors to check things out. During this time my left arm had become so numb I almost felt “dissociated” from it. I began to feel panicky as this triggers some of my deeper fears: that I would lose control over my body while my mind is still active and alive. Lately I have thought a lot about my sister (who was in a vegetative state after a car accident) and my mother (who passed away having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, a progressive neurodegenerative disease). I was shocked by my own reaction - I was close to being in tears and I had to tell the staff I was about to panic (and move). On one hand, I am working on trustful surrender to the Lord’s sovereignty over my body under all circumstances and that His love would be there to carry me through. On the other hand, I am also working on faith in His healing power, that it is possible for me to regain health and live a vibrant life. It seems that true faith requires me to have both. The fluctuation in bodily temperature, the side effects from chemotherapy and this numbness had stirred up all this. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and grant me faith in Him
Thursday, September 2, 2010
September 2 Fluctuation Again
This morning I went for a walk. Perhaps it was the poor air quality, my body started not feeling so good. My temperature went up again in the afternoon. Victor seemed to be sneezing too. It may be allergy due to the bad air. But it can be a cold or something else. (It is quite difficult to be free from each other's germs.)
In the past few months, my sole focus had been on getting ready for the next shot. Now that the shots are over and as I look ahead to the next stage, I felt so stuck as if I cannot move forward. Today I also read a book on health (from another breast cancer survivors) - it seems impossible for me to live such a life - eating healthy and organic food (they are expensive), making fresh fruit and vegetable juice everyday and doing all the "right" things... So I felt quite discouraged. I really don't expect that it would be the hardest when I am close to the end of the tunnel.
I am praying that the Lord would show me what I need to learn in this part of the journey, that I won't miss out anything He wants to instruct me. I want to fight whatever infection (or fever) well. I pray that the Lord would give me wisdom and direct me to the healthy life style that is appropriate for me. May He help me to surrender and trust in His sovereign will in my life.
In the past few months, my sole focus had been on getting ready for the next shot. Now that the shots are over and as I look ahead to the next stage, I felt so stuck as if I cannot move forward. Today I also read a book on health (from another breast cancer survivors) - it seems impossible for me to live such a life - eating healthy and organic food (they are expensive), making fresh fruit and vegetable juice everyday and doing all the "right" things... So I felt quite discouraged. I really don't expect that it would be the hardest when I am close to the end of the tunnel.
I am praying that the Lord would show me what I need to learn in this part of the journey, that I won't miss out anything He wants to instruct me. I want to fight whatever infection (or fever) well. I pray that the Lord would give me wisdom and direct me to the healthy life style that is appropriate for me. May He help me to surrender and trust in His sovereign will in my life.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
September 1 Temperature Back to Normal
Last night my temperature started to go down to normal. As I am feeling better, Victor felt that I could handle some interesting information. He told me that on Monday when we were at the hospital, a lady he chatted with asked him whether I am his MOTHER! Can you believe this?! Oh well.
I do have a normal temperature when I write this blog.
I do have a normal temperature when I write this blog.
Monday, August 30, 2010
August 30 Fever
In the middle of last night, I was feverish. I had a sense of doom, that I would not be healed after all. I woke up early to get ready because I did not want to be hospitalized in Macau. Victor and I managed to take the 6 a.m. ferry. I was briefly detained when crossing immigration on the Hong Kong side to have my temperature taken and recorded. We managed to get to Princess Margaret Hospital by about 8 o’ clock and waited for the oncology clinic to open. They measured my temperature a few times – I think to try to “make” it lower. Results of the blood test (white blood count), according to the doctor’s interpretation, was not totally off the chart given my condition and the growth factor injection (to stimulate white blood count); whereas on Saturday a doctor in Macau seemed eager to get me hospitalized.
I observed that when my temperature reached a certain point, not only do I become irritable, my thoughts about God also become negative – such as He is punishing me for something unknown, that this is a premonition of me having only a few years of life left, etc. When the temperature got closer to normal, I would become cheerful again with some silly jokes and future becomes bright again. This fluctuation is quite obvious and there are both times of spiritual insights as well as crying out irrational fears and sadness to the Lord. It feels odd but there really is this rapid shift throughout the day and night.
This afternoon the Lord reminded me of my own prayer: that in this treatment process, the cancer cells would be destroyed but that vital organs would be protected and the good systems would become resilient. Therefore fighting an infection may be a necessary process for the good system to become resilient. [Of course, the doctor’s “normalizing” my fever helped.] So I must trust in the Lord.
The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.
Last but not least, I just checked the temperature – close to normal as I prepare to enter this blog. But I dropped the thermometer and broke it, resulting in a brief hysteria. Victor had to clean up the mess as well as the hysteria.
I observed that when my temperature reached a certain point, not only do I become irritable, my thoughts about God also become negative – such as He is punishing me for something unknown, that this is a premonition of me having only a few years of life left, etc. When the temperature got closer to normal, I would become cheerful again with some silly jokes and future becomes bright again. This fluctuation is quite obvious and there are both times of spiritual insights as well as crying out irrational fears and sadness to the Lord. It feels odd but there really is this rapid shift throughout the day and night.
This afternoon the Lord reminded me of my own prayer: that in this treatment process, the cancer cells would be destroyed but that vital organs would be protected and the good systems would become resilient. Therefore fighting an infection may be a necessary process for the good system to become resilient. [Of course, the doctor’s “normalizing” my fever helped.] So I must trust in the Lord.
The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.
Last but not least, I just checked the temperature – close to normal as I prepare to enter this blog. But I dropped the thermometer and broke it, resulting in a brief hysteria. Victor had to clean up the mess as well as the hysteria.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
August 29 Not Much Change
Still need your prayer desperately.
Today was kind of demoralizing. The fever is making me very irritable and hyper-sensitive. These days are actually the worst throughout the whole treatment process. I think I had the hardest time during the 3rd and 6th cycle, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of the specific drug. Perhaps it is my eagerness to transition back to "normal" life. Perhaps many things. For now, I need to hold onto the Lord in a simple fashion and to trust in His healing power.
I still have the mild fever and I was close to going back to the hospital. However I really do not want to be hosptalized. I feel better in the evening with the temperature seemly going down a bit. So I will see what happens next morning.
Please pray for Victor too. He hasn't seen me in such bad condition and it is difficult to care for a sick and irritable wife.
Today was kind of demoralizing. The fever is making me very irritable and hyper-sensitive. These days are actually the worst throughout the whole treatment process. I think I had the hardest time during the 3rd and 6th cycle, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of the specific drug. Perhaps it is my eagerness to transition back to "normal" life. Perhaps many things. For now, I need to hold onto the Lord in a simple fashion and to trust in His healing power.
I still have the mild fever and I was close to going back to the hospital. However I really do not want to be hosptalized. I feel better in the evening with the temperature seemly going down a bit. So I will see what happens next morning.
Please pray for Victor too. He hasn't seen me in such bad condition and it is difficult to care for a sick and irritable wife.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
August 28 Still Have Fever
Today I still have this fever. So I went to see the doctor at Kiang Wu Hospital in Macau. The doctor drew blood and checked my blood count and indeed there are signs of infection. However since I don't have any symptoms other than the fever, we do not really know what the source of infection is. So she prescribed antibiotics and said I would need to go back if I continue to have fever by tomorrow night.
Whatever the infection may be, hopefully the antibiotics would work. This visit was good because I may need to work with the doctors at Kiang Wu more in the future.
Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, may the Lord brings healing and may He again reveal His presence to all of us.
Whatever the infection may be, hopefully the antibiotics would work. This visit was good because I may need to work with the doctors at Kiang Wu more in the future.
Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, may the Lord brings healing and may He again reveal His presence to all of us.
Friday, August 27, 2010
August 27 Need Prayer
Wednesday’s travel was okay. My sister and I managed to pack things in the office. Then I found out that the office move on Thursday morning was cancelled. How frustrating. I got angrier when I found that it was now re-scheduled to Sept 1.
Yesterday I started not feeling well. Perhaps I was too stressed out on Wed. Perhaps it was adjusting to the air, water and everything all at once. Today I have a mild fever. It was bordering on serious. The dilemma was whether to go back to Hong Kong to see the doctor and risk getting worst or to stay here and risk having an infection that may be serious. I decided to stay for now. The temperature and the body ailments drove me into a foul mood and I had chewed a few people’s head off (my sisters and my husband).
So I really need your prayer. It is difficult for me to pray in this physical condition. Please remember my temperature particularly and endurance of all the side effects in this cycle. I was look forward to having more opportunities to share my faith with others in Macau. However in my physical weakness and angry mood, I am discouraged and lose confidence that I can do anything at all. Your prayers will make a difference!
Yesterday I started not feeling well. Perhaps I was too stressed out on Wed. Perhaps it was adjusting to the air, water and everything all at once. Today I have a mild fever. It was bordering on serious. The dilemma was whether to go back to Hong Kong to see the doctor and risk getting worst or to stay here and risk having an infection that may be serious. I decided to stay for now. The temperature and the body ailments drove me into a foul mood and I had chewed a few people’s head off (my sisters and my husband).
So I really need your prayer. It is difficult for me to pray in this physical condition. Please remember my temperature particularly and endurance of all the side effects in this cycle. I was look forward to having more opportunities to share my faith with others in Macau. However in my physical weakness and angry mood, I am discouraged and lose confidence that I can do anything at all. Your prayers will make a difference!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
August 24 Travel Back to Macau
On Monday I found out our office move had been scheduled on Thurs. morning. So I have to go back to Macau by Wed. to get ready. Needless to say I felt stressed because my immune system is still vulnerable at this point of the chemotherapy cycle.
The side effects seem unbearable this cycle – I felt so frustrated with the tiredness and fever-like symptoms. It also became hard to push myself to eat meat for the protein. This is probably due to my eagerness to move on and be back to “normal” life. So I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard. At the same time reality sinks in with all the new expectations. Yesterday night I was about to moan about going back to teaching without eyebrows and eyelashes. Just when I was complaining, the news on TV regarding the Philippines hostages turned to a crisis moment. The Lord always has His special way to put me into proper perspective of things so that I do not engage (too much) in self-pity.
Fortunately my sister would go with me for the first few days. Then Victor will come on the weekend. Please pray that we can get things organized quickly – get the office move ready, get the home cleaned and figure out how I can manage to eat nutritious food. I am just going to trust God one thing at a time.
Today I had some time to just pray – surrendering to the Lord my body, mind and soul, trusting that He would lead me to walk in the center of His will, to please Him in all my being and doing. I pray that it is not an abstract ideal, but can be practiced in the nitty gritty of daily life.
Thank you for all your prayers and support!
The side effects seem unbearable this cycle – I felt so frustrated with the tiredness and fever-like symptoms. It also became hard to push myself to eat meat for the protein. This is probably due to my eagerness to move on and be back to “normal” life. So I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard. At the same time reality sinks in with all the new expectations. Yesterday night I was about to moan about going back to teaching without eyebrows and eyelashes. Just when I was complaining, the news on TV regarding the Philippines hostages turned to a crisis moment. The Lord always has His special way to put me into proper perspective of things so that I do not engage (too much) in self-pity.
Fortunately my sister would go with me for the first few days. Then Victor will come on the weekend. Please pray that we can get things organized quickly – get the office move ready, get the home cleaned and figure out how I can manage to eat nutritious food. I am just going to trust God one thing at a time.
Today I had some time to just pray – surrendering to the Lord my body, mind and soul, trusting that He would lead me to walk in the center of His will, to please Him in all my being and doing. I pray that it is not an abstract ideal, but can be practiced in the nitty gritty of daily life.
Thank you for all your prayers and support!
Friday, August 20, 2010
August 20 Moving on to the Next Stage
I had my last chemotherapy shot on Tuesday. It was a challenge to poke into the veins! I am so glad that it was the last shot. Praise God who carried me to this point.
There was a rather skinny patient whose wife was trying to talk him into taking nutrient supplement drinks. I tried to encourage him to do so since I have gained weight all this time. The wife was certainly glad that someone can help with the persuasion. We shared our “bitter taste” experience and he was surprisingly engaging in the conversation. So I hope I can use my experience to help others too.
On Wednesday I went to get measures done to prepare for radio-therapy, which is likely to start in early September. I was somewhat apprehensive because someone had written about their negative experience – having insensitive technicians making marks on their half naked body in the cold. Thankfully, the medical team was very efficient and everything was done quickly. I was expecting to spend the whole day there but managed to leave at 12 noon. I was so happy and relieved and went dim sum for lunch with my sister.
After this last chemotherapy cycle I would begin my 5 years of hormonal therapy. For someone who does not like to take medication, it is difficult to think of a 5 year regimen. I would be taking Tamoxifen, a type of selective estrogen receptor modulators. The side effects are not very exciting – bone pain, potential blood clots and stroke, uterine cancer, menopause-like symptoms. I also dread depression and lethargy…Well perhaps it is not so bad. So will wait and see. Need to trust the Lord.
For now, please pray for protection from fever and infection. Today is Day 4 and white blood count is supposed to be close to zero. Pray for preparation for new school year. Usually folks are firing emails back and forth to get ready. May the Lord help me to stay calm and complete essential tasks efficiently!
There was a rather skinny patient whose wife was trying to talk him into taking nutrient supplement drinks. I tried to encourage him to do so since I have gained weight all this time. The wife was certainly glad that someone can help with the persuasion. We shared our “bitter taste” experience and he was surprisingly engaging in the conversation. So I hope I can use my experience to help others too.
On Wednesday I went to get measures done to prepare for radio-therapy, which is likely to start in early September. I was somewhat apprehensive because someone had written about their negative experience – having insensitive technicians making marks on their half naked body in the cold. Thankfully, the medical team was very efficient and everything was done quickly. I was expecting to spend the whole day there but managed to leave at 12 noon. I was so happy and relieved and went dim sum for lunch with my sister.
After this last chemotherapy cycle I would begin my 5 years of hormonal therapy. For someone who does not like to take medication, it is difficult to think of a 5 year regimen. I would be taking Tamoxifen, a type of selective estrogen receptor modulators. The side effects are not very exciting – bone pain, potential blood clots and stroke, uterine cancer, menopause-like symptoms. I also dread depression and lethargy…Well perhaps it is not so bad. So will wait and see. Need to trust the Lord.
For now, please pray for protection from fever and infection. Today is Day 4 and white blood count is supposed to be close to zero. Pray for preparation for new school year. Usually folks are firing emails back and forth to get ready. May the Lord help me to stay calm and complete essential tasks efficiently!
Monday, August 16, 2010
August 16 Thanksgiving for My Prayer Partners
Victor took the day off from work to keep me company for the medical check at the hospital. Today is his birthday, the big one – 50th! I would have want a big party for him but it would not be possible this year. His colleagues had a small celebration with him on Friday; yesterday we had dinner with his long-time friend from Los Angeles. (So I did sneak out again!) We have not been in Hong Kong long enough to develop intimate friendships here. Folks in Hong Kong are usually too busy and hanging-out is not the cultural norm. Victor in particular misses friends of 20-some years who have shared major milestones with him.
Today at the hospital I noticed someone wearing a nice hat. I could not resist and went over to ask her where she bought it. As we chatted, I found out she had started her chemotherapy much earlier but each time her shot had been delayed until her liver functioning improved. Usually I do not feel like talking with others because conversations can get me more anxious – worrying about the pesticide on fruits, etc.
Today I chatted with some ladies diagnosed with breast cancer; I learned that delays were quite common. I realized how “daring” I had been to assume that my 6 cycles could go smoothly and that I would be ready for school in the fall semester. I recalled I vaguely trust God that all this would work out. Before I left the hospital, the lady in the nice hat told me sadly that her shot would be postponed again. The Lord reminds me how He has carried me through each round and protected me from infections and complications. His grace and mercies are not to be taken for granted. I am also blessed to have so many of you praying for me.
Yesterday in my bible study on healing, I came across
James 5:13-16:
13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I wondered why in sickness the advice is specifically to call the elders of the church to pray. In addition, “the prayer offered in faith” is singular. I tried to study on this but have not found a satisfactory answer yet. The one important thing I noted is that prayer from our faith community is essential. It takes a lot to build up the kind of community that practices mutual confession. But the prayer of a community of righteous believers would be so powerful. Your prayers have been critical in my healing journey! I thank God for all of you!
The cancer journey has allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way. [In particular I have reconnected with a number of long lost friends from college. At first I thought writing a journal is therapeutic for me. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on the blog allows me to share with others beyond time and space. At first I was worried about this blogging thing being a bit “narcissistic.” However I found that comments and emails exchanges from friends have helped us share and fellowship more intimately. Your thoughts and prayers indeed are part of God’s healing.
Tomorrow I will have my last shot - pray that the veins are ready to take in the drug and my body to endure this one more time!
Today at the hospital I noticed someone wearing a nice hat. I could not resist and went over to ask her where she bought it. As we chatted, I found out she had started her chemotherapy much earlier but each time her shot had been delayed until her liver functioning improved. Usually I do not feel like talking with others because conversations can get me more anxious – worrying about the pesticide on fruits, etc.
Today I chatted with some ladies diagnosed with breast cancer; I learned that delays were quite common. I realized how “daring” I had been to assume that my 6 cycles could go smoothly and that I would be ready for school in the fall semester. I recalled I vaguely trust God that all this would work out. Before I left the hospital, the lady in the nice hat told me sadly that her shot would be postponed again. The Lord reminds me how He has carried me through each round and protected me from infections and complications. His grace and mercies are not to be taken for granted. I am also blessed to have so many of you praying for me.
Yesterday in my bible study on healing, I came across
James 5:13-16:
13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I wondered why in sickness the advice is specifically to call the elders of the church to pray. In addition, “the prayer offered in faith” is singular. I tried to study on this but have not found a satisfactory answer yet. The one important thing I noted is that prayer from our faith community is essential. It takes a lot to build up the kind of community that practices mutual confession. But the prayer of a community of righteous believers would be so powerful. Your prayers have been critical in my healing journey! I thank God for all of you!
The cancer journey has allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way. [In particular I have reconnected with a number of long lost friends from college. At first I thought writing a journal is therapeutic for me. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on the blog allows me to share with others beyond time and space. At first I was worried about this blogging thing being a bit “narcissistic.” However I found that comments and emails exchanges from friends have helped us share and fellowship more intimately. Your thoughts and prayers indeed are part of God’s healing.
Tomorrow I will have my last shot - pray that the veins are ready to take in the drug and my body to endure this one more time!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
August 14 Word of Encouragement
This morning I was whiny. I told Victor I needed a word of encouragement. My husband has been attentive these days (so I am taking every advantage before he returns to his “normal” mode); he tried to come up with something good to say. But I told him I needed a word of encouragement from the Lord.
Sure enough when I studied the Bible, I found the word of encouragement. These days I have continued my study on healing in the New Testament, focusing on passages with the word heal [Greek words “therapeuo,” “iaomai ,”“sozo,” “diasozo” plus associated nouns)]. Today I came across the word “heal” [Greek word iaomai] in Hebrews 12:13. So I started studying Hebrews Ch 12.
You are probably familiar with Hebrews 12, following Hebrews 11 about the crowd of witnesses:
v.1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
v. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
v. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
v. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
v. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement [the NIV translation is my exact request! Can also be translated as exhortation, comfort, and consolation] that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
v. 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
This word of encouragement is originally from Proverbs 3:11-12. The Lord reminds me that my fighting cancer is not yet a warfare involving the shedding of blood. Rather I should embrace it as the loving discipline of our Father. In modern days the word discipline is sometimes not received favorably. The Greek word used here is paideuo (pahee-dyoo'-o); meaning to train up a child. [Pediatrics, pedagogue – also derived from paidion, meaning child]. There are 8 words in this passage related to paidion. The meaning is simply the training and instruction of a child.
v. 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Some days it is difficult to see any meaning in having cancer. The process is unpleasant. There is the uncertainty of recurrence. But the Lord can discipline and train us in all circumstances for our good. The promise is that we can share His holiness and it can also produce “peaceful fruit” that yields righteousness. I still have to understand what it means to me personally but I hold onto this promise.
v. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet” was from Proverbs 4:26 [Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.] Here the exhortation is that we need to carefully choose the path. This latter half of Hebrews 12:12 is really difficult to understand so I have to check out other translations and commentaries. I think NASB’s translation is the best “so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Our task then is to carefully choose our paths, by so doing we are make straight paths for those who are weak to walk, that they may not be injured but rather be healed.
This is a challenging responsibility. I pray therefore that the Lord will strengthen me to continue on in His discipline and training. People who had walked through the path before me have helped me. Perhaps I also can go through this path and make it “level” for those who are coming along, that we may help one another not to stumble but rather be healed.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers - no fever for me today. I think this is part of the Lord's strengthening my faith. My sister's illness is bad - 102 degrees at one point and still fever today.
Sure enough when I studied the Bible, I found the word of encouragement. These days I have continued my study on healing in the New Testament, focusing on passages with the word heal [Greek words “therapeuo,” “iaomai ,”“sozo,” “diasozo” plus associated nouns)]. Today I came across the word “heal” [Greek word iaomai] in Hebrews 12:13. So I started studying Hebrews Ch 12.
You are probably familiar with Hebrews 12, following Hebrews 11 about the crowd of witnesses:
v.1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
v. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
v. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
v. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
v. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement [the NIV translation is my exact request! Can also be translated as exhortation, comfort, and consolation] that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
v. 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
This word of encouragement is originally from Proverbs 3:11-12. The Lord reminds me that my fighting cancer is not yet a warfare involving the shedding of blood. Rather I should embrace it as the loving discipline of our Father. In modern days the word discipline is sometimes not received favorably. The Greek word used here is paideuo (pahee-dyoo'-o); meaning to train up a child. [Pediatrics, pedagogue – also derived from paidion, meaning child]. There are 8 words in this passage related to paidion. The meaning is simply the training and instruction of a child.
v. 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Some days it is difficult to see any meaning in having cancer. The process is unpleasant. There is the uncertainty of recurrence. But the Lord can discipline and train us in all circumstances for our good. The promise is that we can share His holiness and it can also produce “peaceful fruit” that yields righteousness. I still have to understand what it means to me personally but I hold onto this promise.
v. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet” was from Proverbs 4:26 [Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.] Here the exhortation is that we need to carefully choose the path. This latter half of Hebrews 12:12 is really difficult to understand so I have to check out other translations and commentaries. I think NASB’s translation is the best “so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Our task then is to carefully choose our paths, by so doing we are make straight paths for those who are weak to walk, that they may not be injured but rather be healed.
This is a challenging responsibility. I pray therefore that the Lord will strengthen me to continue on in His discipline and training. People who had walked through the path before me have helped me. Perhaps I also can go through this path and make it “level” for those who are coming along, that we may help one another not to stumble but rather be healed.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers - no fever for me today. I think this is part of the Lord's strengthening my faith. My sister's illness is bad - 102 degrees at one point and still fever today.
Friday, August 13, 2010
August 13 Prayer Request
My sister who visited me on Monday to help out got sick (sore throat, fever and everything!)We went dim sum together that morning. So I am freaking out a little bit and feeling guilty for the pleasure I had sneaked out to enjoy all this week. Pray for speedy recovery for my sister as well as protection from illness / infection for me.
The last shot would be next Tuesday and I cannot afford any delay. New semester events are scheduled and I need to be there!! So pray that all that numbers will go okay on Monday’s check up. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo injection will go smoothly. My veins are pretty hardened by now and I am praying the whole body would be able to endure it one more time. Once again I ask that the cancer cells will be destroyed while my organs and the good systems would be resilient. On Wednesday I would need to go back to the hospital – they are going to take measures to prepare for the upcoming radiotherapy.
I tried to enjoy this week as much as possible because the new semester will start on the last week of August. I sneaked out quite a few times. I also tried to stretch myself a bit more to get myself ready for return to Macau . I tried to cook more but I burned the soup the other day. Today I carried my backpack with laptop to the pier to give Victor the lunch box he forgot. I try to test out if I am ready to walk up the hill to my office in the heat in Macau. I am still easily tired. So I need to take good care of the body.
Well, vaguely I know that everything will work out. The Lord is faithful to carry me through to the end. I will continue to trust in the Lord one step at a time, one task at a time and one day at a time.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!
The last shot would be next Tuesday and I cannot afford any delay. New semester events are scheduled and I need to be there!! So pray that all that numbers will go okay on Monday’s check up. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo injection will go smoothly. My veins are pretty hardened by now and I am praying the whole body would be able to endure it one more time. Once again I ask that the cancer cells will be destroyed while my organs and the good systems would be resilient. On Wednesday I would need to go back to the hospital – they are going to take measures to prepare for the upcoming radiotherapy.
I tried to enjoy this week as much as possible because the new semester will start on the last week of August. I sneaked out quite a few times. I also tried to stretch myself a bit more to get myself ready for return to Macau . I tried to cook more but I burned the soup the other day. Today I carried my backpack with laptop to the pier to give Victor the lunch box he forgot. I try to test out if I am ready to walk up the hill to my office in the heat in Macau. I am still easily tired. So I need to take good care of the body.
Well, vaguely I know that everything will work out. The Lord is faithful to carry me through to the end. I will continue to trust in the Lord one step at a time, one task at a time and one day at a time.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 9 False Fire Alarm
On Saturday morning at 1 a.m., there was a fire alarm in our building. I was quick to wake up, put my pants, hat and jacket on. These days my hat is very important because I really can feel the chill whenever my bald head is exposed to any kind of breeze, quickly leading to lightheadedness! I would even wake up at night when my scarf slides off – cannot believe how much our head needs protection.
While Victor was trying to figure out with the neighbors what was going on with the fire alarm, I was busy getting packed. So I had two big bags of documents/IDs and my backpack with the laptop computer ready when Victor returned home confirming that it was a false alarm. He was quite amused by my look as well as my readiness for a serious fire escape. He told me that most people were just carrying a small bag. Plus I could not have carried all that stuff. I agreed with him but all the documents seemed important. Letting go is difficult.
Well! While I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. (When it is God’s assignment, it is significant. I cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling.) I wrote about this just a few days ago. Everything is important. However I would need to make sure it is a load I can carry. I may need to let go of some.
So far this round of chemotherapy has been okay. Getting used to the side effects helps. I have indulged myself with tasty food (with MSG) and lots of sweets (non-nutritious) for a few days to counter the bitter taste in my mouth. Well it was bad for my body. So the lesson learned is that eating bad food for the taste is a bad idea. These days I am looking forward to finishing the last chemotherapy shot. Generally I am upbeat, trying to enjoy each day and each event as much as possible.
Thank you for being there.
While Victor was trying to figure out with the neighbors what was going on with the fire alarm, I was busy getting packed. So I had two big bags of documents/IDs and my backpack with the laptop computer ready when Victor returned home confirming that it was a false alarm. He was quite amused by my look as well as my readiness for a serious fire escape. He told me that most people were just carrying a small bag. Plus I could not have carried all that stuff. I agreed with him but all the documents seemed important. Letting go is difficult.
Well! While I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. (When it is God’s assignment, it is significant. I cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling.) I wrote about this just a few days ago. Everything is important. However I would need to make sure it is a load I can carry. I may need to let go of some.
So far this round of chemotherapy has been okay. Getting used to the side effects helps. I have indulged myself with tasty food (with MSG) and lots of sweets (non-nutritious) for a few days to counter the bitter taste in my mouth. Well it was bad for my body. So the lesson learned is that eating bad food for the taste is a bad idea. These days I am looking forward to finishing the last chemotherapy shot. Generally I am upbeat, trying to enjoy each day and each event as much as possible.
Thank you for being there.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
August 1 Our Wedding Anniversary
Yesterday we shared our 11th wedding anniversary. We have lots of happy wedding anniversaries celebrating with family and friends in the past; this is the first one we share “in sickness and in health.” Overall it was a tiring day because the chemo drug side effects are worst on 4th and 5th day. Nevertheless the Lord gave us sufficient grace to be joyful. We went out for dinner at the Ma Wan beach and even brought our wedding wine glasses along to take some pictures. Afterwards I felt totally worn out and crashed on the bed. Victor downloaded the pictures on the computer and was shocked by the images – we had aged significantly! So it was not such a "great" day for both of us.
When I first discovered I had breast cancer, I was initially quite worried for Victor. He had a difficult childhood without parental love and presence. I thought the threat of loss would trigger denial, withdrawal and detachment. [You can see this is a psychologist’s thinking!] As we faced the illness together, I was quite amazed to find that perhaps his wounds may have been healed; he may cope much better than I imagine.
In the early days of our marriage, the Lord has reminded me a few times that my task was to be his helper. Since then I have tried my best to be faithful in loving him, carefully protecting his vulnerabilities that stem from growing up in a broken home. As a pastor’s wife, I also felt a stronger obligation to manage a lot of things to meet this “good helper” standard. In early January this year, we were teaching a Sunday school class “Couples in the Bible” together. When preparing for lessons and reflecting on our marriage, I recalled feeling that I could not do any better as a helper and that our marriage was “as good as it can be”. I noted, and was therefore thankful that when the Lord instructed me to be a faithful helper, He has used the process to shape me – slowly I have become more loving and less self-focused (narcissistic). The love and stability in our relationship supports Victor (and me) to develop his (our) potential and become the best he (we) can be. When cancer hit home in late March, I was pleasntly "surprised" to find that our marriage can always be better, since growth in the Lord's love is without limits. As we explore sickness, aging and death together, I discovered Victor’s strength. I can depend on him to care for me. Plus he is my helper too and he has showed willingness to take over a lot of things that used to be my responsiibliites. In my weakness, it brings out the best in him as well.
In our daily lives, our marriage is much like by our wedding anniversary - it is not that romantic! Yet we are thankful to the Lord – our marriage has been good. The blessing of marriage is really not simply “being happily married.” God puts us together so that we may love one another and in the process we bring out the best in each other in all circumstances. I pray that the love of God is in the innermost of your marriage and by loving each other, you become the best you can be!
When I first discovered I had breast cancer, I was initially quite worried for Victor. He had a difficult childhood without parental love and presence. I thought the threat of loss would trigger denial, withdrawal and detachment. [You can see this is a psychologist’s thinking!] As we faced the illness together, I was quite amazed to find that perhaps his wounds may have been healed; he may cope much better than I imagine.
In the early days of our marriage, the Lord has reminded me a few times that my task was to be his helper. Since then I have tried my best to be faithful in loving him, carefully protecting his vulnerabilities that stem from growing up in a broken home. As a pastor’s wife, I also felt a stronger obligation to manage a lot of things to meet this “good helper” standard. In early January this year, we were teaching a Sunday school class “Couples in the Bible” together. When preparing for lessons and reflecting on our marriage, I recalled feeling that I could not do any better as a helper and that our marriage was “as good as it can be”. I noted, and was therefore thankful that when the Lord instructed me to be a faithful helper, He has used the process to shape me – slowly I have become more loving and less self-focused (narcissistic). The love and stability in our relationship supports Victor (and me) to develop his (our) potential and become the best he (we) can be. When cancer hit home in late March, I was pleasntly "surprised" to find that our marriage can always be better, since growth in the Lord's love is without limits. As we explore sickness, aging and death together, I discovered Victor’s strength. I can depend on him to care for me. Plus he is my helper too and he has showed willingness to take over a lot of things that used to be my responsiibliites. In my weakness, it brings out the best in him as well.
In our daily lives, our marriage is much like by our wedding anniversary - it is not that romantic! Yet we are thankful to the Lord – our marriage has been good. The blessing of marriage is really not simply “being happily married.” God puts us together so that we may love one another and in the process we bring out the best in each other in all circumstances. I pray that the love of God is in the innermost of your marriage and by loving each other, you become the best you can be!
Monday, July 26, 2010
July 26th Getting Ready for 5th Shot
Thank you for all your prayers!
Today I was at the hospital for almost 8 hours for the medical check! I am much more prepared for the waiting and did not get frantic - I asked my sister to entertain me with interesting conversations!
The numbers look okay and I will have my 5th shot tomorrow. Please pray that they can find a spot in the veins. May the Lord help me cope well with all the side effects - particularly no fever and no infection. I need to be disciplined - to stay home and keep clean.
I am also praying earnestly for continual spiritual blessings - there is something in particular I am seeking breakthrough and the only thing I can do is to wait on the Lord. Need His mercy in every asepct of my life!
Today I was at the hospital for almost 8 hours for the medical check! I am much more prepared for the waiting and did not get frantic - I asked my sister to entertain me with interesting conversations!
The numbers look okay and I will have my 5th shot tomorrow. Please pray that they can find a spot in the veins. May the Lord help me cope well with all the side effects - particularly no fever and no infection. I need to be disciplined - to stay home and keep clean.
I am also praying earnestly for continual spiritual blessings - there is something in particular I am seeking breakthrough and the only thing I can do is to wait on the Lord. Need His mercy in every asepct of my life!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
July 24th Lessons Learned on Discernment re: Work
I have asked for your prayers for discernment re: work life a few days ago (July 20th Prayer Request for Discernment). Victor and I had a good time sharing last night. Let me share with you some lessons I learned.
First I noted that my concern is mostly self-focused – “what should I be doing?” It is about my needs, my passion and my aspirations. As I prayed, I asked the Lord where He wanted to place me. Once again I am affirmed that God did place me in Macao when we first returned to Hong Kong. His strategy is the best and He places us where He wants to use us to accomplish His plan.
Second I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. You cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling. When it is God’s assignment it is significant. I also should not judge the work/task by how successful it appears to be (although it usually pleases us when it is going well). The Lord requires us to be faithful despite of desired outcome.
Third I should trust that the Holy Spirit’s step-by-step guidance is sufficient (even though I would like to see the broad picture now). This song comes to my mind:
“We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord
We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord . . .
And learn our lessons well,
In His timing He will tell us
What to do, where to go, what to say”
(A Maranatha Song in 1970s)
If the Lord has a new assignment, He would lead me in His time. It is in surrendering we can find His blessings in our activities.
So I am preparing to go back to where I left off and trust that the Lord will continue to lead me. I start revising my course syllabus and look forward to the coming semester. I would have a lighter load this semester and hopefully catch up next semester.
Today Victor was busy with two ministry opportunities. I actually feel pretty good being apart from him and enjoy my aloneness without feeling lonely. So perhaps I am not his “very dependent wife” after all! He had lunch with church folks to share Christ with an elderly man who has cancer. This gentleman is also going through chemotherapy and he is working everyday! So I feel guilty for moaning and groaning! God certainly has His special way to send me a reminder!
Do pray for readiness for my next shot – will have medical check on Monday and hopefully have my 5th shot this coming Tuesday.
First I noted that my concern is mostly self-focused – “what should I be doing?” It is about my needs, my passion and my aspirations. As I prayed, I asked the Lord where He wanted to place me. Once again I am affirmed that God did place me in Macao when we first returned to Hong Kong. His strategy is the best and He places us where He wants to use us to accomplish His plan.
Second I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. You cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling. When it is God’s assignment it is significant. I also should not judge the work/task by how successful it appears to be (although it usually pleases us when it is going well). The Lord requires us to be faithful despite of desired outcome.
Third I should trust that the Holy Spirit’s step-by-step guidance is sufficient (even though I would like to see the broad picture now). This song comes to my mind:
“We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord
We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord . . .
And learn our lessons well,
In His timing He will tell us
What to do, where to go, what to say”
(A Maranatha Song in 1970s)
If the Lord has a new assignment, He would lead me in His time. It is in surrendering we can find His blessings in our activities.
So I am preparing to go back to where I left off and trust that the Lord will continue to lead me. I start revising my course syllabus and look forward to the coming semester. I would have a lighter load this semester and hopefully catch up next semester.
Today Victor was busy with two ministry opportunities. I actually feel pretty good being apart from him and enjoy my aloneness without feeling lonely. So perhaps I am not his “very dependent wife” after all! He had lunch with church folks to share Christ with an elderly man who has cancer. This gentleman is also going through chemotherapy and he is working everyday! So I feel guilty for moaning and groaning! God certainly has His special way to send me a reminder!
Do pray for readiness for my next shot – will have medical check on Monday and hopefully have my 5th shot this coming Tuesday.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
July 22th Bitter Taste
“Dysguesia – definition: an altered sensation of taste, often unpleasant. It is a side effect of chemotherapy medications, and is described as a sensation of "metal mouth," a bitter taste, or a lack of ability to taste foods -- especially those that are sweet.” (lungcancer.about.com/od/glossary/g/dysguesia.htm)
So I found this fancy word to describe the bitter taste I have for quite a number of days! It is an “interesting” experience because food really tastes different from what you remember. I have to check with Victor or my sisters – is the fruit really not sweet or is it just my distorted taste? Usually it is just me!
Bitterness (marah) has a special meaning for me metaphorically. I have been praying that the Lord would turn bitterness into sweetness [Blog entry May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy]. I am also learning to accept that "bitterness of soul" can be beneficial to the person. [Blog entry July 1st Missing Piece in Hezekiah]
As I experience this bitter taste in my mouth, I realize that if the bitterness is due to our own distorted sensation, everything tastes bad. Even the tastiest food becomes bitter. You simply cannot taste sweetness. It takes quite a number of days for this bitterness in the mouth to gradually wear off.
Ps 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. NIV
It is a gift to taste the goodness of God. Lord, take away any bitterness in us so that we can taste the fullness of Your goodness!
So I found this fancy word to describe the bitter taste I have for quite a number of days! It is an “interesting” experience because food really tastes different from what you remember. I have to check with Victor or my sisters – is the fruit really not sweet or is it just my distorted taste? Usually it is just me!
Bitterness (marah) has a special meaning for me metaphorically. I have been praying that the Lord would turn bitterness into sweetness [Blog entry May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy]. I am also learning to accept that "bitterness of soul" can be beneficial to the person. [Blog entry July 1st Missing Piece in Hezekiah]
As I experience this bitter taste in my mouth, I realize that if the bitterness is due to our own distorted sensation, everything tastes bad. Even the tastiest food becomes bitter. You simply cannot taste sweetness. It takes quite a number of days for this bitterness in the mouth to gradually wear off.
Ps 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. NIV
It is a gift to taste the goodness of God. Lord, take away any bitterness in us so that we can taste the fullness of Your goodness!
Monday, July 19, 2010
July 20th Prayer Request for Discernment
I would like to ask your prayers for discernment re: work life.
I have been praying about this since I was diagnosed with cancer and have shared my learning here and there in my blog entries. A few weeks ago, the Lord has reminded me of His call (I wrote about in Blog Entry on July 1st Answered Prayers). However since then I do not have any new insights.
As the new semester will start soon, I am feeling some anticipation anxiety again – like a small kid wondering whether I am up to par to meet the challenges of school. For a few days, I told Victor that I do not want to go back to work and would rather be a stay-home wife. Plus I do not want to leave him and go to Macao – since I have now become his very dependent wife. So this is a bit freaky to him (as well as to me)! Most of you know me as someone who loves work! I love to be in action and be with people. So I am not sure whether this is temporary (a chemotherapy side effect!) or what?!
Testimonies from folks who had been through cancer frequently mention a change in priorities, cherishing relationships and family time more than work achievements and success. In some way I expect such a change as well. However I have not figured out exactly what and how to change. It seems that the things I had been doing originally were good and meaningful. Yet somehow I cannot rewind back to prior-cancer days and move on from that same spot. I am an off track train that has lost its steam, not knowing yet how I can find my new track or crank up my engine. I felt unsure about my direction as I look ahead – How then should I live? What should I be doing?
I am also facing the reality of a potentially shortened life and some limitation in energy. I wrote the list of things that I would “like to do” – it is still very long! They range from leading a child relaxation group to trying a Sunday school curriculum on forgiveness to many other things… Some of these ideas may need to be shelved and I may need to grieve through a loss of some identities. Then there is the list of things I “have to do” such as program reports, academic writing, etc. Some of them require “responsible closure,” making proper arrangements to wrap up these commitments should the Lord steer me towards a new direction.
I am praying to wait on the Lord patiently and to discern His will.
P.S. In the meantime I am recovering slowly this week. Praise the Lord! Getting ready for the next round of chemotherapy next week.
I have been praying about this since I was diagnosed with cancer and have shared my learning here and there in my blog entries. A few weeks ago, the Lord has reminded me of His call (I wrote about in Blog Entry on July 1st Answered Prayers). However since then I do not have any new insights.
As the new semester will start soon, I am feeling some anticipation anxiety again – like a small kid wondering whether I am up to par to meet the challenges of school. For a few days, I told Victor that I do not want to go back to work and would rather be a stay-home wife. Plus I do not want to leave him and go to Macao – since I have now become his very dependent wife. So this is a bit freaky to him (as well as to me)! Most of you know me as someone who loves work! I love to be in action and be with people. So I am not sure whether this is temporary (a chemotherapy side effect!) or what?!
Testimonies from folks who had been through cancer frequently mention a change in priorities, cherishing relationships and family time more than work achievements and success. In some way I expect such a change as well. However I have not figured out exactly what and how to change. It seems that the things I had been doing originally were good and meaningful. Yet somehow I cannot rewind back to prior-cancer days and move on from that same spot. I am an off track train that has lost its steam, not knowing yet how I can find my new track or crank up my engine. I felt unsure about my direction as I look ahead – How then should I live? What should I be doing?
I am also facing the reality of a potentially shortened life and some limitation in energy. I wrote the list of things that I would “like to do” – it is still very long! They range from leading a child relaxation group to trying a Sunday school curriculum on forgiveness to many other things… Some of these ideas may need to be shelved and I may need to grieve through a loss of some identities. Then there is the list of things I “have to do” such as program reports, academic writing, etc. Some of them require “responsible closure,” making proper arrangements to wrap up these commitments should the Lord steer me towards a new direction.
I am praying to wait on the Lord patiently and to discern His will.
P.S. In the meantime I am recovering slowly this week. Praise the Lord! Getting ready for the next round of chemotherapy next week.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
July 14th He Revives Us
The Lord has graciously answered my earnest prayer last night: I asked that this morning my temperature would clearly go down so that I do not need to be worried about going to the hospital. I also asked that I would not wake up so much at night. Indeed I slept through six hours and woke up without the temperature. I am VERY THANKFUL!
These are petty in the grand scheme of things - but I desperately need help! When you cannot control much about your basic bodily functions, there is not much that you can do. At different times in life, we will for sure reach our moments of vulnerability. Isn't it amazing that God cares us and even our trivialities?! This verse comes to me today:
Isa 57:15
15 For this is what the high and lofty One says — he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. NIV
The Lord reaches out to us!
P.s. Victor just taught me the word "lives" is "shakan" in Hebrew. This word is used for the tabernacle, meaning He tents among us (John 1:14). Amazing!
These are petty in the grand scheme of things - but I desperately need help! When you cannot control much about your basic bodily functions, there is not much that you can do. At different times in life, we will for sure reach our moments of vulnerability. Isn't it amazing that God cares us and even our trivialities?! This verse comes to me today:
Isa 57:15
15 For this is what the high and lofty One says — he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. NIV
The Lord reaches out to us!
P.s. Victor just taught me the word "lives" is "shakan" in Hebrew. This word is used for the tabernacle, meaning He tents among us (John 1:14). Amazing!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
July 13th "Not-so-good" to "Not that bad" Day
Yesterday after my blog entry, I napped praying to rest in the Lord. I woke up feeling I had a fever. After checking the temperature I was alarmed knowing that I would need to check into the hospital. But then it was after office hours and it would be quite a headache to go to the hospital emergency – all the hassle may just take a toll on the body and hit me harder. Fortunately my sister was there with me so I did not panic. I prayed and waited for a bit to check my temperature again and this time it was just marginal. After calling my friend who had leukemia and got some practice advice, I packed to be ready to go to the hospital but continue to just monitor the temperature.
Victor had class last night and his students prayed for me three times. Praise God for them. I finally decided to just wait till the morning. I woke up and the temperature had gone down to the acceptable range – I would still need to keep an eye on it.
So there were twists and turns yesterday, from a “not-so-good” day to a “potentially-really-bad” day (either waiting in the hospital emergency or being hospitalized) and then finally to a “not-that-bad” day after all.
Thank you for all the prayers. You can see I really need them.
Victor had class last night and his students prayed for me three times. Praise God for them. I finally decided to just wait till the morning. I woke up and the temperature had gone down to the acceptable range – I would still need to keep an eye on it.
So there were twists and turns yesterday, from a “not-so-good” day to a “potentially-really-bad” day (either waiting in the hospital emergency or being hospitalized) and then finally to a “not-that-bad” day after all.
Thank you for all the prayers. You can see I really need them.
Monday, July 12, 2010
July 12th Not-so-good Day?
Today when I tried to give myself the shot (growth factor to stimulate white blood growth), I accidentally poked my finger and it bled. Needless to say I reacted.
There are several things I need your prayer - diahrrea (+ assoicated bowel difficulties), fatique, poor appetite, poor sleep quality. The teeth and the tongue looks awful and numb. Pray that the Lord preserve my body. Also I will need to go back to the hospital on Thursday for an echocardiogram (for the heart) and to take blood test. Pray that it would go smoothly and it would not be too hard.
It is only 2:20 pm and I am concluding that it is a not-so-good day. But perhaps it can still be a very good day. Please pray for good rest in the Lord and finding His grace sufficient in my weakness.
There are several things I need your prayer - diahrrea (+ assoicated bowel difficulties), fatique, poor appetite, poor sleep quality. The teeth and the tongue looks awful and numb. Pray that the Lord preserve my body. Also I will need to go back to the hospital on Thursday for an echocardiogram (for the heart) and to take blood test. Pray that it would go smoothly and it would not be too hard.
It is only 2:20 pm and I am concluding that it is a not-so-good day. But perhaps it can still be a very good day. Please pray for good rest in the Lord and finding His grace sufficient in my weakness.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
July 11th Brief Update
It is so nice to hear from long-time friends and thank you for all your comments!
This last drug has been hard on my body. I have not done much but sleep. Yet the Lord has kept me close to Him even in my lethargy. I am beginning to understand that my subjective sense of well being (physically, emotionally) may not be all that important. Our spiritual anchor in the Lord will hold us fast to Him. While I have lost self-confidence, I am beginning to gain confidence in Him - His grace is indeed sufficient in my weakness. When I can gather my thoughts I will write about embracing our weaknesses.
In the meanwhile, please pray for regaining of strength to continue.
This last drug has been hard on my body. I have not done much but sleep. Yet the Lord has kept me close to Him even in my lethargy. I am beginning to understand that my subjective sense of well being (physically, emotionally) may not be all that important. Our spiritual anchor in the Lord will hold us fast to Him. While I have lost self-confidence, I am beginning to gain confidence in Him - His grace is indeed sufficient in my weakness. When I can gather my thoughts I will write about embracing our weaknesses.
In the meanwhile, please pray for regaining of strength to continue.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
July 7th The Fourth Chemo Shot
Dear friends,
I am now over the half-way point!
Today I had my fourth shot. Yes, the nurse had to poke two times because my veins are getting too hard to take in the drug. However it wasn’t that miserable. The intravenous infusion went smoothly without any allergic reaction. Praise God! (May the Lord soften my veins for the next two shots. Yet one shot at a time!)
I am up since 3 a.m., most likely due to the steroids. So instead of tossing and turning I decide to write a blog entry. Thankfully I am awake but not agitated.
In fact I was in a cheerful mood for almost all day! My tummy hurt in the evening and so I went to drug.com to search information on the drug to clarify the side effects. Then I discovered the dosage of the drug was supposed to be 60 mg, 75 mg or 100 mg/m2. I recalled that I had 150 mg in the morning and since I do not know how to calculate the body size adjustment, I freaked out. Fortunately my brother (the doctor) was quick to reply my email, explaining the mg/m2. Victor and I had a good laugh about my brief hysteria over having an overdose and being poisoned by the toxin.
So much for my “total trust” in God – pretty shaky, huh?! But the Lord is grabbing my feeble and wobbly hand firmly in this journey.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers.
I am now over the half-way point!
Today I had my fourth shot. Yes, the nurse had to poke two times because my veins are getting too hard to take in the drug. However it wasn’t that miserable. The intravenous infusion went smoothly without any allergic reaction. Praise God! (May the Lord soften my veins for the next two shots. Yet one shot at a time!)
I am up since 3 a.m., most likely due to the steroids. So instead of tossing and turning I decide to write a blog entry. Thankfully I am awake but not agitated.
In fact I was in a cheerful mood for almost all day! My tummy hurt in the evening and so I went to drug.com to search information on the drug to clarify the side effects. Then I discovered the dosage of the drug was supposed to be 60 mg, 75 mg or 100 mg/m2. I recalled that I had 150 mg in the morning and since I do not know how to calculate the body size adjustment, I freaked out. Fortunately my brother (the doctor) was quick to reply my email, explaining the mg/m2. Victor and I had a good laugh about my brief hysteria over having an overdose and being poisoned by the toxin.
So much for my “total trust” in God – pretty shaky, huh?! But the Lord is grabbing my feeble and wobbly hand firmly in this journey.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
July 4th Preparation for 4th Chemotherapy Shot
Dear friends,
Praise God for keeping me in good spirits for the past few days! I am getting ready for the 4th shot on Tuesday.
I had been a bit apprehensive as I would be given another drug Taxotere for the next 3 cycles. This drug would lead to quick decline of white blood cell in the body on the 4th day. [Pray for protection from infection!] So I would need to be brave to stick needles and self inject “Growth Factors” that stimulate white blood cell. There would be the fluid retention issues and therefore steroids would be needed, which has its own side effects (like agitation which I dislike). [Pray for endurance!] The liver also needs to be good enough to take this shot. [Pray for body strength and protection of vital organs!]
As you can tell, I have read about the drug quite a bit on internet. But then knowledge does not make it better. So I will keep on trusting the Lord. May He strengthen my body to be able to take in the drug and to handle the side effects. May He tear down what needs to be destroyed and rebuild what is good in my mind, body and soul - that I may become more resilient. This is a prayer we all need regardless of whether we have cancer or not. May He renew us everyday.
Right now I am as prepared as I can be. Please pray for tomorrow’s check up to go smoothly and that the next few shots will go.
Praise God for keeping me in good spirits for the past few days! I am getting ready for the 4th shot on Tuesday.
I had been a bit apprehensive as I would be given another drug Taxotere for the next 3 cycles. This drug would lead to quick decline of white blood cell in the body on the 4th day. [Pray for protection from infection!] So I would need to be brave to stick needles and self inject “Growth Factors” that stimulate white blood cell. There would be the fluid retention issues and therefore steroids would be needed, which has its own side effects (like agitation which I dislike). [Pray for endurance!] The liver also needs to be good enough to take this shot. [Pray for body strength and protection of vital organs!]
As you can tell, I have read about the drug quite a bit on internet. But then knowledge does not make it better. So I will keep on trusting the Lord. May He strengthen my body to be able to take in the drug and to handle the side effects. May He tear down what needs to be destroyed and rebuild what is good in my mind, body and soul - that I may become more resilient. This is a prayer we all need regardless of whether we have cancer or not. May He renew us everyday.
Right now I am as prepared as I can be. Please pray for tomorrow’s check up to go smoothly and that the next few shots will go.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
July 1st Answered Prayers
A few days ago, I was praying desperately that God would once again show me His call or provide some sort of vision so that I can look ahead with meaning and purpose. Let me share with you how God has answered me.
In discouragement I decided to google one of my teachers in graduate school to seek some inspiration. Beth has been a wonderful role model - she is an extremely talented psychotherapist invested in the integration of analytic psychology and spiritual formation. Better still, she inspires you to draw near to God. Beth was first diagnosed with breast cancer 5 days after giving birth to her daughter just when she was ready to launch her teaching career. I was then first year in my doctoral studies at Rosemead School of Psychology and remembered praying for her. After battling the first round and recovered, her breast cancer re-occurred 7 years later, this time already metastasized to the bones. By then I just began my journey as a faculty member at Azusa Pacific University and became a colleague of her husband. The couple is well known to our community of Christian psychologist at Fuller, Rosemead and APU.
Indeed I found an article on the internet written by Beth. [‘Winter Meets Its Death', Psychoanalytic Inquiry, (2008) 28: 5, 599 — 611]. She shared about how her terminal illness impacted one of her patients and in the process of encountering grief, loss, death and dying; both became more alive to God and to others. Let me quote her:
“These clinicians seemed to be more “alive” as they faced their own deaths or their clients’ deaths—more alive to grief and anguish, but also more alive to the possibility of connections across loss and realms of being. Both psychoanalysis and spirituality provide an opportunity for us to develop in our capacity to become more relationally alive. We have the privilege and the call from our human nature to do all in our power, via relationships, to move ourselves and our patients towards the full experience of being alive—for the glory of God."
Beth’s perspective as a psychotherapist committed to spiritual transformation is particularly enlightening. After reading the article I “rediscovered” my call. The Lord refreshed my memories and reminded me what my first love was. I bumped into a teaching career “accidentally” but certainly in the perfect will of God. My call (and my passion) was actually a very simple one; the projects and programs are in fact secondary.
Well, by the amazing grace of God, Beth continued to live – she has been through all sorts of chemotherapy and treatment for the past 10 years. One chemo drug failed and then another worked for a while…but she continued to live vibrantly. She now had a blog as part of a research project at UCLA. I went to her blog and read all her previous newsletters (for the past 10 years) in 2 days. I knew of some of these events as a colleague of her husband but now I can really shared her experience as a breast cancer patient. On the concrete side, I learned about how she handled side effects. Well her veins have lasted for 10 years. There were so many things (psycho-spiritual stuff) I could easily identify with. God used her writings to encourage, comfort, and revive me. Moreover, I learned from Beth’s life that God can keep us occupied with gladness of heart (Eccl 5:18-20) and indeed we can live our lives as a drink offering like Paul in his good fight (2 Tim 4:6-7). All this can occur even in the midst of recurrence of cancer. [My prayer in June 27th blog entry “Back on Track?” was indeed answered. May God help me live life fully!!]
I figured writing this blog is indeed good and therapeutic for me. Now I realize it may also bless someone later on down the road.
Thank you for all your sharing and comments.
In discouragement I decided to google one of my teachers in graduate school to seek some inspiration. Beth has been a wonderful role model - she is an extremely talented psychotherapist invested in the integration of analytic psychology and spiritual formation. Better still, she inspires you to draw near to God. Beth was first diagnosed with breast cancer 5 days after giving birth to her daughter just when she was ready to launch her teaching career. I was then first year in my doctoral studies at Rosemead School of Psychology and remembered praying for her. After battling the first round and recovered, her breast cancer re-occurred 7 years later, this time already metastasized to the bones. By then I just began my journey as a faculty member at Azusa Pacific University and became a colleague of her husband. The couple is well known to our community of Christian psychologist at Fuller, Rosemead and APU.
Indeed I found an article on the internet written by Beth. [‘Winter Meets Its Death', Psychoanalytic Inquiry, (2008) 28: 5, 599 — 611]. She shared about how her terminal illness impacted one of her patients and in the process of encountering grief, loss, death and dying; both became more alive to God and to others. Let me quote her:
“These clinicians seemed to be more “alive” as they faced their own deaths or their clients’ deaths—more alive to grief and anguish, but also more alive to the possibility of connections across loss and realms of being. Both psychoanalysis and spirituality provide an opportunity for us to develop in our capacity to become more relationally alive. We have the privilege and the call from our human nature to do all in our power, via relationships, to move ourselves and our patients towards the full experience of being alive—for the glory of God."
Beth’s perspective as a psychotherapist committed to spiritual transformation is particularly enlightening. After reading the article I “rediscovered” my call. The Lord refreshed my memories and reminded me what my first love was. I bumped into a teaching career “accidentally” but certainly in the perfect will of God. My call (and my passion) was actually a very simple one; the projects and programs are in fact secondary.
Well, by the amazing grace of God, Beth continued to live – she has been through all sorts of chemotherapy and treatment for the past 10 years. One chemo drug failed and then another worked for a while…but she continued to live vibrantly. She now had a blog as part of a research project at UCLA. I went to her blog and read all her previous newsletters (for the past 10 years) in 2 days. I knew of some of these events as a colleague of her husband but now I can really shared her experience as a breast cancer patient. On the concrete side, I learned about how she handled side effects. Well her veins have lasted for 10 years. There were so many things (psycho-spiritual stuff) I could easily identify with. God used her writings to encourage, comfort, and revive me. Moreover, I learned from Beth’s life that God can keep us occupied with gladness of heart (Eccl 5:18-20) and indeed we can live our lives as a drink offering like Paul in his good fight (2 Tim 4:6-7). All this can occur even in the midst of recurrence of cancer. [My prayer in June 27th blog entry “Back on Track?” was indeed answered. May God help me live life fully!!]
I figured writing this blog is indeed good and therapeutic for me. Now I realize it may also bless someone later on down the road.
Thank you for all your sharing and comments.
July 1st The Missing Piece about Hezekiah
I wrote a blog entry on Hezekiah in March 26 (Reflections on Hezekiah). The Lord has an amazing reminder for me today. In the previous entry, I had only focused on the “bad” – the one thing that Hezekiah failed in his last days. This indeed is my tendency, to focus only on the errors and mistakes and overlook the good. I missed an importance piece – his writing after his recovery. The writing speaks for my soul. May the Lord bless you through these words as well.
Isa 38:9-14
9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah after his illness and recovery:
10 I said, "In the prime of my life must I go through the gates of death and be robbed of the rest of my years?"
11 I said, "I will not again see the Lord, the Lord, in the land of the living; no longer will I look on mankind, or be with those who now dwell in this world.
12 Like a shepherd's tent my house has been pulled down and taken from me.
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life, and he has cut me off from the loom;
day and night you made an end of me.
13 I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me.
14 I cried like a swift or thrush, I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens. I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!"
15 But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.
17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
18 For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living — they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord.
Additional Reflections:
I note that verse 15 the “anguish” of my soul, the word is bitter [OT:4751 mar (mar); or (feminine) marah (maw-raw'); from OT:4843; bitter (literally or figuratively); also (as noun) bitterness, or (adverbially) bitterly:]. This “bitterness of the soul” also occurred 4 times in Job and 1 time with Hannah. Hannah, Job and Hezekiah have all tasted bitterness of the soul in their disease and suffering. The Lord allowed them to experience this bitterness of the soul and He then turned it into praise and thanksgiving.
This bitterness (marah) was the same word used in Exodus 15:23 as well. When I first began my chemotherapy, I had a blog entry (May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy) about this same word “marah” in the dessert (Exodus 15: 23). I had asked the Lord to provide the piece of wood from the tree that will make the water (chemo drug) sweet for my body to take in. I pray once again for this piece of wood from His cross that can turn everything bitterness into sweetness.
In verse 17, “suffered such anguish” is actually “marah marah” (also translated as "great bitterness.”
Dear friends, I cannot make it without your praying with me in this journey.
Surely it was for my benefit (shalom) that I “marah marah.”
Lord, I will walk humbly all my years because of this “marah” of my soul.
Isa 38:9-14
9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah after his illness and recovery:
10 I said, "In the prime of my life must I go through the gates of death and be robbed of the rest of my years?"
11 I said, "I will not again see the Lord, the Lord, in the land of the living; no longer will I look on mankind, or be with those who now dwell in this world.
12 Like a shepherd's tent my house has been pulled down and taken from me.
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life, and he has cut me off from the loom;
day and night you made an end of me.
13 I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me.
14 I cried like a swift or thrush, I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens. I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!"
15 But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.
17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
18 For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living — they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord.
Additional Reflections:
I note that verse 15 the “anguish” of my soul, the word is bitter [OT:4751 mar (mar); or (feminine) marah (maw-raw'); from OT:4843; bitter (literally or figuratively); also (as noun) bitterness, or (adverbially) bitterly:]. This “bitterness of the soul” also occurred 4 times in Job and 1 time with Hannah. Hannah, Job and Hezekiah have all tasted bitterness of the soul in their disease and suffering. The Lord allowed them to experience this bitterness of the soul and He then turned it into praise and thanksgiving.
This bitterness (marah) was the same word used in Exodus 15:23 as well. When I first began my chemotherapy, I had a blog entry (May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy) about this same word “marah” in the dessert (Exodus 15: 23). I had asked the Lord to provide the piece of wood from the tree that will make the water (chemo drug) sweet for my body to take in. I pray once again for this piece of wood from His cross that can turn everything bitterness into sweetness.
In verse 17, “suffered such anguish” is actually “marah marah” (also translated as "great bitterness.”
Dear friends, I cannot make it without your praying with me in this journey.
Surely it was for my benefit (shalom) that I “marah marah.”
Lord, I will walk humbly all my years because of this “marah” of my soul.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
June 27 Back on Track?
Yesterday morning I woke up with a not-so-pleasant dream. The new semester started and it was the first day of class - somehow the enrolment, the scheduling, the room arrangements were all messed up and I could not manage to get the course going. The course was “History of Psychology” that I knew nothing about. I told Victor the only thing I did right in the dream was speaking in English – at least I retained some skills. I noted my anticipation anxiety about the upcoming semester is two months in advance. Yes, everything needs to fit perfectly in the next 2 months – the 3 chemotherapy cycles cannot be delayed. The radiotherapy schedule needs to be in the morning so I have enough time to travel back for classes. Somehow I trust that it will all work out; nevertheless the dream reflects some latent anxiety!
My wishful thinking is that I don’t need to go back to work; the truth is I have to. Cancer does not exempt me from the realities of life. I have the privilege to take a nice break from various responsibilities, thanks to family and friends who pamper me with love and colleagues who support me with generosity. There is a part of me that wants to be lay back forever; the fact is my life is not just for me as I still have obligations to others. Moreover, my life belongs to my Creator and the only real choice is to acknowledge Him and surrender to Him willingly and joyfully. I have to admit that sometimes I resist this choice, feeling entitled to moan and groan and wanting to claim the right to do nothing! Unfortunately such resistance only makes one miserable.
I am not sure I can be back on track. For a while, I feel repulsive towards “work,” but these are the projects I have felt very passionate about – the faith-related research project with Christian colleagues, the opportunity to be involved in advancing clinical psychology / mental health in Macao, the leadership training / development work with college students, etc. I used to feel like a train on track, fueled by my passion and capabilities (from education and experience)and moving towards a clear destination. God was in all this as well, as I also had a ministry direction. In illness however I am so ready to just let go and everything seems illusive. I am shocked by how easily and readily my passion and my confidence collapsed. But then when my concern shifts to the protein content of soy drink and tofu, what passion can I retain? When I am clueless whether my body is generating enough new blood cells, what confidence can I hold onto? I am not sure whether Satan disrupts my plans or God shatters them in order to lead me to another path. I trust that ultimately God is sovereign and He uses every circumstance to work out His perfect plan.
I have to wait and see how I would return. My priorities have definitely changed. I have a better grasp that the end goal is about loving God and the activities are really just the means. I do not know whether I would be go back on the same path but walk it with a different inner quality or I will walk one step at a time to discover a new path. I am praying for two things in the future; not sure I can have both and whether the two can really co-exist although I desire both.
1. To live a life of giving and fight the GOOD FIGHT as Paul has:
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Tim 4:6-7
2. To live a happy life enjoying God’s gifts and not worrying about the longevity of life (and recurrence of cancer):
“Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work — this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Eccl 5:18-20
我所見為善為美的、就是人在神賜他一生的日子喫喝、享受日光之下勞碌得來的好處．因為這是他的分。 神賜人資財豐富、使他能以喫用、能取自己的分、在他勞碌中喜樂．這乃是神的恩賜。他不多思念自己一生的年日．因為神應他的心使他喜樂。
My wishful thinking is that I don’t need to go back to work; the truth is I have to. Cancer does not exempt me from the realities of life. I have the privilege to take a nice break from various responsibilities, thanks to family and friends who pamper me with love and colleagues who support me with generosity. There is a part of me that wants to be lay back forever; the fact is my life is not just for me as I still have obligations to others. Moreover, my life belongs to my Creator and the only real choice is to acknowledge Him and surrender to Him willingly and joyfully. I have to admit that sometimes I resist this choice, feeling entitled to moan and groan and wanting to claim the right to do nothing! Unfortunately such resistance only makes one miserable.
I am not sure I can be back on track. For a while, I feel repulsive towards “work,” but these are the projects I have felt very passionate about – the faith-related research project with Christian colleagues, the opportunity to be involved in advancing clinical psychology / mental health in Macao, the leadership training / development work with college students, etc. I used to feel like a train on track, fueled by my passion and capabilities (from education and experience)and moving towards a clear destination. God was in all this as well, as I also had a ministry direction. In illness however I am so ready to just let go and everything seems illusive. I am shocked by how easily and readily my passion and my confidence collapsed. But then when my concern shifts to the protein content of soy drink and tofu, what passion can I retain? When I am clueless whether my body is generating enough new blood cells, what confidence can I hold onto? I am not sure whether Satan disrupts my plans or God shatters them in order to lead me to another path. I trust that ultimately God is sovereign and He uses every circumstance to work out His perfect plan.
I have to wait and see how I would return. My priorities have definitely changed. I have a better grasp that the end goal is about loving God and the activities are really just the means. I do not know whether I would be go back on the same path but walk it with a different inner quality or I will walk one step at a time to discover a new path. I am praying for two things in the future; not sure I can have both and whether the two can really co-exist although I desire both.
1. To live a life of giving and fight the GOOD FIGHT as Paul has:
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Tim 4:6-7
2. To live a happy life enjoying God’s gifts and not worrying about the longevity of life (and recurrence of cancer):
“Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work — this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Eccl 5:18-20
我所見為善為美的、就是人在神賜他一生的日子喫喝、享受日光之下勞碌得來的好處．因為這是他的分。 神賜人資財豐富、使他能以喫用、能取自己的分、在他勞碌中喜樂．這乃是神的恩賜。他不多思念自己一生的年日．因為神應他的心使他喜樂。
Saturday, June 19, 2010
June 19th A Father's Day Prayer
The side effects hit much harder this cycle and I do not seem to recuperate much even on Day 5. The nauseating stays. The ache on the veins from the intravenous drug injection gets worse. These days I am feeling intensely “the heart is willing” but both the body and the mind are weak. Would the frailty of my body weed out my spirit bit by bit? Can one really stay strong in the Lord as a bruised reed or smoldering wick?
Last night while searching for a verse for someone getting baptized today, I came across this prayer that I love dearly. A few years ago I meditated on this prayer daily for almost a year, asking the Lord to strengthen my inner being. This is a powerful prayer for all of us:
Eph 3:14-21
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. NIV
Happy Father’s Day in advance! Glory to our Father in Heaven.
Last night while searching for a verse for someone getting baptized today, I came across this prayer that I love dearly. A few years ago I meditated on this prayer daily for almost a year, asking the Lord to strengthen my inner being. This is a powerful prayer for all of us:
Eph 3:14-21
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. NIV
Happy Father’s Day in advance! Glory to our Father in Heaven.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
June 16 Day after 3rd chemotherapy
Yesterday’s chemotherapy shot was smooth.
I was however quite annoyed when the nurse told me to improve my “psychological quality” (心理質素) and to adopt a “positive attitude” towards the drug treatment. This was her encouragement in response to my slight reaction to the sensations during the shot. I wanted to snap back and gave her a lecture on patients’ conditioned response to shots due to our body often being handled roughly. Plus what does she know about psychological quality anyway? Blah, blah, blah!
But then she was just trying to be helpful. I realized I am also guilty of the same thing too – giving people a pat answer such as “just try to be positive” or “the Lord will help you,” blah, blah, blah…without really standing in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspectives and share the pain. This reminds me of the movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) I recommended a while ago. The Christians friends were very nice to the mother (the protagonist who lost her son due to a kidnap-murder), taking her out on her birthday and bringing her nice flowers. However none of them were ever in her home to mourn with her during her painful moments. They held a prayer meeting to pray for her but they were not there to listen to her anger and hurt. None of them visited when she became suicidal. Most of us want to keep a safe distance; it is difficult to really enter into suffering with others. May the Lord grant us the capacity to love and embrace others exactly where they are.
In the afternoon I could not nap, so I watched a movie on Mei Ah Movie Channel [我爱奇诺奥 / 机器人奇诺丘] Hinokio: Inter Galactic Love. It is a wonderful Japanese movie about a boy who withdrew into his own world after a car accident, losing his legs and his beloved mother. He lived through the robot Hinokio. The movie really captured the loneliness of kids. On the bright side, the friendships and their capacity to love and reach out heal one another. There are funny as well as touching moments. I was moved to tears and had a good cry because it stirred up memories of childhood sorrows and longings. God speaks to me through movies too.
Thank you for your prayers. Today I felt a lot better.
I was however quite annoyed when the nurse told me to improve my “psychological quality” (心理質素) and to adopt a “positive attitude” towards the drug treatment. This was her encouragement in response to my slight reaction to the sensations during the shot. I wanted to snap back and gave her a lecture on patients’ conditioned response to shots due to our body often being handled roughly. Plus what does she know about psychological quality anyway? Blah, blah, blah!
But then she was just trying to be helpful. I realized I am also guilty of the same thing too – giving people a pat answer such as “just try to be positive” or “the Lord will help you,” blah, blah, blah…without really standing in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspectives and share the pain. This reminds me of the movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) I recommended a while ago. The Christians friends were very nice to the mother (the protagonist who lost her son due to a kidnap-murder), taking her out on her birthday and bringing her nice flowers. However none of them were ever in her home to mourn with her during her painful moments. They held a prayer meeting to pray for her but they were not there to listen to her anger and hurt. None of them visited when she became suicidal. Most of us want to keep a safe distance; it is difficult to really enter into suffering with others. May the Lord grant us the capacity to love and embrace others exactly where they are.
In the afternoon I could not nap, so I watched a movie on Mei Ah Movie Channel [我爱奇诺奥 / 机器人奇诺丘] Hinokio: Inter Galactic Love. It is a wonderful Japanese movie about a boy who withdrew into his own world after a car accident, losing his legs and his beloved mother. He lived through the robot Hinokio. The movie really captured the loneliness of kids. On the bright side, the friendships and their capacity to love and reach out heal one another. There are funny as well as touching moments. I was moved to tears and had a good cry because it stirred up memories of childhood sorrows and longings. God speaks to me through movies too.
Thank you for your prayers. Today I felt a lot better.
Monday, June 14, 2010
June 14 Ready for 3rd Round
Tomorrow will be the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Today is medical check up day and thankfully I am ready for the next round of chemotherapy. It was nice that my sister was with me, validating that the long wait can be trying. Waiting can wear one out!
My study on “Healing” in the Bible has moved to the New Testament. I am now studying the word “therapeuo.” The most encouraging is that Jesus took the initiation of “teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.” (Matthew 4:23). “This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: "He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases." (Matthew 8:17).
The Lord gave me the same passage for the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Isa 53:4
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, NIV
4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; NASU
For the 2nd round of chemotherapy, my focus was on 53:5
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. NIV
Today I noted that my hope is in His love alone. In sickness I realize I may not be able to do anything and I may become a nobody. Without His love, life will then be meaningless. With His love, it would be totally different.
Rom 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We can be more than conqueors through Him who loved us. Honestly I do not know how exactly this works. Lord, only help us hold onto Your love!
Today is medical check up day and thankfully I am ready for the next round of chemotherapy. It was nice that my sister was with me, validating that the long wait can be trying. Waiting can wear one out!
My study on “Healing” in the Bible has moved to the New Testament. I am now studying the word “therapeuo.” The most encouraging is that Jesus took the initiation of “teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.” (Matthew 4:23). “This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: "He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases." (Matthew 8:17).
The Lord gave me the same passage for the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Isa 53:4
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, NIV
4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; NASU
For the 2nd round of chemotherapy, my focus was on 53:5
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. NIV
Today I noted that my hope is in His love alone. In sickness I realize I may not be able to do anything and I may become a nobody. Without His love, life will then be meaningless. With His love, it would be totally different.
Rom 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We can be more than conqueors through Him who loved us. Honestly I do not know how exactly this works. Lord, only help us hold onto Your love!
Monday, June 7, 2010
June 7th Tears Come and Go
These days I do become a bit “touchy.” Victor was a bit worried when he noticed me in tears for nothing. I explained to him that in usual days I am always in gear ready to handle all sorts of responsibilities with little room to experience emotions more fully. Tears are not bad. They can be joyful tears too. Oftentimes I am deeply moved by gratefulness. Other times I am just keenly aware of my own physical and emotional vulnerabilities. Feelings come and go. The key is to turn all our emotions to God; the Holy Spirit will guide us to look beneath and beyond the emotions so that we may know who we are and who God is.
I am becoming more thankful for this “mandated retreat” that allows me to let down my usual defenses. [Or was I stripped of my usual defense mechanisms? Of course this is a matter of perspective as well!] Positive thinking and coping skills are good. They have carried me a long way in life. But the Lord uses this illness (and the need for isolation) to carve out time and space for me to immerse in self reflection, personal “therapy" and soul searching.
Ps 27:13-14: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. NIV
After my last blog entry I was bogged down about food again when my sister said I was not eating enough meat. This led to an obsessive internet search on protein intake, careful examination of the nutritional value of different brands, followed by an attempt to calculate my daily intake. Of course there are all these controversies about what is good and what is bad. It makes me feel like whatever I do, it is wrong or at least not good nough. Finally I stopped and decided to take it easy. It seems like I would still need to gobble up more food this week to prepare for the 3rd shot next week. Thank you for sharing with me in this journey.
I am becoming more thankful for this “mandated retreat” that allows me to let down my usual defenses. [Or was I stripped of my usual defense mechanisms? Of course this is a matter of perspective as well!] Positive thinking and coping skills are good. They have carried me a long way in life. But the Lord uses this illness (and the need for isolation) to carve out time and space for me to immerse in self reflection, personal “therapy" and soul searching.
Ps 27:13-14: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. NIV
After my last blog entry I was bogged down about food again when my sister said I was not eating enough meat. This led to an obsessive internet search on protein intake, careful examination of the nutritional value of different brands, followed by an attempt to calculate my daily intake. Of course there are all these controversies about what is good and what is bad. It makes me feel like whatever I do, it is wrong or at least not good nough. Finally I stopped and decided to take it easy. It seems like I would still need to gobble up more food this week to prepare for the 3rd shot next week. Thank you for sharing with me in this journey.
Friday, June 4, 2010
June 4th Secret Sunshine 密陽
I had the opportunity to watch an excellent movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) on TV. It is a thought-provoking film with a strong religious motif. The story was about a single mother who moved to her husband’s place of birth (the city Milyang 密陽) after his death. Despite her efforts to start a new life, her only son was kidnapped and murdered. Struggling in the grieving process, she turned to Christianity. After making some apparent strides, she sought to forgive the killer and share Christ with him, only to find that he had already received forgiveness from God while imprisoned. This outcome shocked her and she became furious at God, perhaps for the fact that while she was barely coping with the loss of his son, the killer had already been blessed with peace. (Or, perhaps she felt that God had robbed her of the opportunity to forgive the killer.) She became self-destructive and eventually suicidal, resulting in hospitalization. The ending is kind of “interesting.”
This film has received several awards including best actress award for Festival de Cannes. Indeed actress Jeon Do-yeon deserved it. Reviews I found on the internet tend to see the movie as a critic toward religion, I understand it a bit differently. Initially I was somewhat “disappointed” that the movie does not have a good ending, not the “final conclusion” we may prefer as Christian. But after a few days of reflection and attending to some of the details in the movie, I was greatly inspired and uplifted. The director certainly understood and addressed issues of forgiveness, faith, sovereignty of God, etc. in great depth. Indeed God works in mysterious ways and there is a "secret sunshine" for everyone, in ways we may neither comprehend, accept or appreciate.
My condition this week
I am actually doing pretty well. Although my appetite is supposed to be bad, I have never been eating so well in my life. I had 3 full meals each day plus snacks. Everyday I have fruits (of different kinds) and I really attend to the nutritional value of the food. I realized in the past I only shuffled food in – justified by work stress, hectic schedule and other so-called priorities. Perhaps I have to relearn the basics of life, to breathe better, eat better, sleep better, etc. in order to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of living. By the way, I also cooked dinner almost every night this week. Victor was impressed with my cooking; he would have proposed to me had I not been already married to him!
My complaint is that my mind does not focus very well. I have forgotten several of my passwords and messed up my bank accounts. It is humbling for someone who takes pride in her “incredible” memory and “sharp” mind. Some days I cannot even write my blog because my mind is fuzzy. Today comes as a surprise as I write with ease. There are times even praying comes in fleeting thoughts and I am not sure what I have prayed about. But then it is not a matter of the content but the heart that counts. "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind" (Jer 17:10) and therefore we can only surrender our heart and mind to Him.
My friend noticed that there are some differences between my blog and Victor's blog in describing some of my chemotherapy side effects. I tend to report more on the positive and downplay the negative sensations because I don't want cancer or chemotherapy to "take over" my life. Victor is attentive to my symptoms because I tend to be whiny when I am with him. My veins are still somewhat swollen due to the injection. So I ask you to pray that it would be better before the 3rd shot.
Thank you for all your support!!
This film has received several awards including best actress award for Festival de Cannes. Indeed actress Jeon Do-yeon deserved it. Reviews I found on the internet tend to see the movie as a critic toward religion, I understand it a bit differently. Initially I was somewhat “disappointed” that the movie does not have a good ending, not the “final conclusion” we may prefer as Christian. But after a few days of reflection and attending to some of the details in the movie, I was greatly inspired and uplifted. The director certainly understood and addressed issues of forgiveness, faith, sovereignty of God, etc. in great depth. Indeed God works in mysterious ways and there is a "secret sunshine" for everyone, in ways we may neither comprehend, accept or appreciate.
My condition this week
I am actually doing pretty well. Although my appetite is supposed to be bad, I have never been eating so well in my life. I had 3 full meals each day plus snacks. Everyday I have fruits (of different kinds) and I really attend to the nutritional value of the food. I realized in the past I only shuffled food in – justified by work stress, hectic schedule and other so-called priorities. Perhaps I have to relearn the basics of life, to breathe better, eat better, sleep better, etc. in order to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of living. By the way, I also cooked dinner almost every night this week. Victor was impressed with my cooking; he would have proposed to me had I not been already married to him!
My complaint is that my mind does not focus very well. I have forgotten several of my passwords and messed up my bank accounts. It is humbling for someone who takes pride in her “incredible” memory and “sharp” mind. Some days I cannot even write my blog because my mind is fuzzy. Today comes as a surprise as I write with ease. There are times even praying comes in fleeting thoughts and I am not sure what I have prayed about. But then it is not a matter of the content but the heart that counts. "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind" (Jer 17:10) and therefore we can only surrender our heart and mind to Him.
My friend noticed that there are some differences between my blog and Victor's blog in describing some of my chemotherapy side effects. I tend to report more on the positive and downplay the negative sensations because I don't want cancer or chemotherapy to "take over" my life. Victor is attentive to my symptoms because I tend to be whiny when I am with him. My veins are still somewhat swollen due to the injection. So I ask you to pray that it would be better before the 3rd shot.
Thank you for all your support!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
May 31 A Blessed Experience
For a few days, I let go of my efforts.
I had a blessed experience Saturday night. I sat close to the window, watching the magnificent lightning and thunderstorms. I felt sheltered under His wings. As I drifted into the Christian music, I prayed, not so much with words but just as I am. The Lord drew me into His presence. He carried me in His love and I rested in Him. It was silent beyond words.
(Zeph 3:17)
“He will be quiet in His love (NASU)
“He will quiet you in His love (NIV)
As we surrender, His love is there.
I had a blessed experience Saturday night. I sat close to the window, watching the magnificent lightning and thunderstorms. I felt sheltered under His wings. As I drifted into the Christian music, I prayed, not so much with words but just as I am. The Lord drew me into His presence. He carried me in His love and I rested in Him. It was silent beyond words.
(Zeph 3:17)
“He will be quiet in His love (NASU)
“He will quiet you in His love (NIV)
As we surrender, His love is there.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
May 27 2nd Round
Tuesday
Tuesday I had my second shot of chemotherapy. Since I am more familiar with the steps, it went smoothly. The Lord had this verse to prepare me: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) No suffering on earth is comparable to His and He chose this path so that by his wounds we are healed.
My home-help's son was sick so she had to take off early to care for him. I managed with my sister's help on Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom when to have the home-help back because I need to be extra cautious about infection.
In the middle of the night I had diarrhea. The abdominal cramps were scary. Initially I was not sure how bad it would be and whether we would need to go to the emergency room. In pain and panic my confidence collapsed – not sure whether I can manage the 6 cycles. I called upon the Lord to help me and thankfully I was able to fall asleep again and had a good rest.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling fine again. I praised the Lord for carrying me through. This incident was minor but I still felt totally wiped out and unmotivated – don’t care about news, TV or anything. I just managed our meals without the home-help. Victor was exhausted too because of the evening class and helping me through in the middle of the night. Once again I am reminded that my taste of "suffering" is trivial compared to what our Lord had gone through.
Balding
By the way, my “balding” is almost complete over the weekend. Victor captured that the shredding process was worst than being bald. Hair was everywhere, sometimes appearing in the food and water. People had warned me in advance but it was still gross. Victor was quick to sweep the floor and clean the tub so I did not have to deal with the mess too much. His sensitivity was a nice surprise to be commended!
It is difficult to imagine that God cares about each piece of our hair!
I have been wearing my blue hat almost all the time now to keep my head warm. With the blue mask, I am now visibly a cancer patient!
Today
While I know that “doing” is not everything, I am not sure if I am “being” much either. “Doing” can be observed, described and even quantified. “Being” is hard to define. What is my “being” now? Today I desired to be the Lord’s baby, resting in His lap.
Not sure what to ask you to pray for. The Holy Spirit would know!
Tuesday I had my second shot of chemotherapy. Since I am more familiar with the steps, it went smoothly. The Lord had this verse to prepare me: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) No suffering on earth is comparable to His and He chose this path so that by his wounds we are healed.
My home-help's son was sick so she had to take off early to care for him. I managed with my sister's help on Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom when to have the home-help back because I need to be extra cautious about infection.
In the middle of the night I had diarrhea. The abdominal cramps were scary. Initially I was not sure how bad it would be and whether we would need to go to the emergency room. In pain and panic my confidence collapsed – not sure whether I can manage the 6 cycles. I called upon the Lord to help me and thankfully I was able to fall asleep again and had a good rest.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling fine again. I praised the Lord for carrying me through. This incident was minor but I still felt totally wiped out and unmotivated – don’t care about news, TV or anything. I just managed our meals without the home-help. Victor was exhausted too because of the evening class and helping me through in the middle of the night. Once again I am reminded that my taste of "suffering" is trivial compared to what our Lord had gone through.
Balding
By the way, my “balding” is almost complete over the weekend. Victor captured that the shredding process was worst than being bald. Hair was everywhere, sometimes appearing in the food and water. People had warned me in advance but it was still gross. Victor was quick to sweep the floor and clean the tub so I did not have to deal with the mess too much. His sensitivity was a nice surprise to be commended!
It is difficult to imagine that God cares about each piece of our hair!
I have been wearing my blue hat almost all the time now to keep my head warm. With the blue mask, I am now visibly a cancer patient!
Today
While I know that “doing” is not everything, I am not sure if I am “being” much either. “Doing” can be observed, described and even quantified. “Being” is hard to define. What is my “being” now? Today I desired to be the Lord’s baby, resting in His lap.
Not sure what to ask you to pray for. The Holy Spirit would know!
Monday, May 24, 2010
May 24 Pass the Test
It was a long wait at the hospital today for the final check. I started to a bit anxious while waiting. What if my numbers are not "good enough" for the 2nd round of chemotherapy?! Fortunately the doctor said OKAY! I passed the test. Although my white blood count was indeed low on the 14th day, it went up again today so I am ready for tomorrow. I resisted the temptation to ask for the exact number because I woould not have any real control over it anyway. As long as she said I am fine doing the 2nd round, I am just going to take it as is.
Pray for my 2nd shot tomorrow. Pray for 1) a restful sleep tonight 2) my veins to be "cooperative", 3) receive the shot joyfully from the Lord as His healing agent.
Thank you!
Pray for my 2nd shot tomorrow. Pray for 1) a restful sleep tonight 2) my veins to be "cooperative", 3) receive the shot joyfully from the Lord as His healing agent.
Thank you!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May 23 God Moved My Cheese
God had “moved my cheese.” He provides manna instead.
Deut 8:3
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
During this time of illness, the Lord has indeed provided His manna each day. It appears in different forms, at different times and in different places. Sometimes a Bible verse, a call from a long-lost friend, an unexpected email from a colleague at the right time, an old hymn that drifts back to memory, kind gestures from family and friends, a magazinge article on a relevant topic, a thought provoking movie, sunlight through the clouds, etc. They are certainly blessings to be thankful for.
However I have some mild ambivalence too. First I am accustomed to relying on myself and finding cheese on my predictable path. I live on feelings of accomplishment; therefore my day is usually packed with activities to ensure I can achieve something. Next I schedule in pleasures and rewarding interactions with people. But now I am deprived of the familiar sources of satisfactions. Instead of cheese, I need to live on something different. There is a small part of me that wonders whether there would be sufficient manna to meet my daily needs throughout the treatment process. [But if I believe it to be manna, then it should be daily and throughout the journey to the promised land.] Another concern is whether my taste would change after this ordeal. Would I be having manna or still craving for cheese? I hope that I can have a renewed understanding of accomplishments. For now, let me allow myself to be a passive recipient of others’ love and care, cherishing them as God’s instruments of blessings. Since loving God with all our heart, soul & mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the most important in life, perhaps it is the right track for me to start.
Let me share my manna today with you:
Ps 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. NASU
Let me trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). He will ACCOMPLISH!
Deut 8:3
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
During this time of illness, the Lord has indeed provided His manna each day. It appears in different forms, at different times and in different places. Sometimes a Bible verse, a call from a long-lost friend, an unexpected email from a colleague at the right time, an old hymn that drifts back to memory, kind gestures from family and friends, a magazinge article on a relevant topic, a thought provoking movie, sunlight through the clouds, etc. They are certainly blessings to be thankful for.
However I have some mild ambivalence too. First I am accustomed to relying on myself and finding cheese on my predictable path. I live on feelings of accomplishment; therefore my day is usually packed with activities to ensure I can achieve something. Next I schedule in pleasures and rewarding interactions with people. But now I am deprived of the familiar sources of satisfactions. Instead of cheese, I need to live on something different. There is a small part of me that wonders whether there would be sufficient manna to meet my daily needs throughout the treatment process. [But if I believe it to be manna, then it should be daily and throughout the journey to the promised land.] Another concern is whether my taste would change after this ordeal. Would I be having manna or still craving for cheese? I hope that I can have a renewed understanding of accomplishments. For now, let me allow myself to be a passive recipient of others’ love and care, cherishing them as God’s instruments of blessings. Since loving God with all our heart, soul & mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the most important in life, perhaps it is the right track for me to start.
Let me share my manna today with you:
Ps 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. NASU
Let me trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). He will ACCOMPLISH!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
May 18 Hair Loss Day
Today is a day full of mixed emotions.
First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]
I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.
In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical check up. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.
Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]
I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.
In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical check up. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.
Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
May 16 Mandatory Retreat
Last week I was easily tired and at times slightly dizzy. I noticed I felt much better physically by Friday (Day 11 of the chemotherapy cycle) but this may also be due to having my favorite Starbucks Mocha.
The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5
1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Isn’t this a great passage?!
I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.
I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."
The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5
1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Isn’t this a great passage?!
I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.
I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."
Friday, May 14, 2010
May 14 Food
Food has been an issue for me. It is a source of pleasure, responsibility and burden.
In the beginning, food is a source of pleasure! Mom rewarded us with snacks after homework, getting a good grade or simply being good. When I observed her cooking in the kitchen, she would cut a chunk of carrot or steam a piece of shrimp and stick it in my mouth. Lots of warmth and love associated with food!
In college I learned to manage cooking myself. Food was still a major source of gratification (now more complex than the simple pleasure)after a long day of study or a stressful exam. It was also important when partying with other students. Being a good cook was also associated with feminity - i.e. wife material. It was then my own responsibility to manage food purchase, cooking and clean up. It could be burdensome when busy and dangerously a craving on days when I longed to be cared for. When I started working and eating out became affordable, it gradually developed into a convenient way to reduce stress, to socialize with friends and to cut time spent on household chores.
After marriage and as a working pastor’s wife, food became mostly a demanding burden. First cooking is the primary household responsibility of the wife. Second I am now in charge of our health through proper food choices. Third a pastor’s wife needs to cook for others -- hospitality is important in pastoral ministries, especially in North America. There are lots of guilt feelings revolving around eating out and throwing away money, wasting time on cooking and dinner events and lack of motivation to improve cooking skills. My new guideline is 1) finish cooking, eating and cleaning up within an hour (with husband’s help), 2) eat out only with family and friends for socializing (or ministry) purposes for proper use of money , 3) “fast” food for lunch with the computer to save time, and 4) gratify self with food for good and bad events (due to limited sources of pleasures and stress-relief other than food.) My food choices are rather limited because I want to control time spent on purchasing (get the same thing from the same place without having to think) and cooking (quick and simple). I also like predictable pleasures ordering the same dish from chain restaurants – Starbucks mocha, Macaroni Grill seafood linguine, Maxim 雞鴨飯, ….
In illness food takes on a new meaning. It is now my primary duty! I can understand how people develop eating disorders – an excessive focus on food and eating is not good! Now I have to eat regardless of appetite. Nutrition is crucial and food preparation requires careful monitoring of hygiene. For cancer patients, environmental contamination is a scare. For breast cancer patients, my beloved chicken has suddenly turned into the ultimate estrogen-ized enemy.
“Give us this day our daily bread” (from the Lord’s Prayer) had been my prayer for a friend who has leukemia – to be able to take in food is a gift. Now I pray the same prayer for myself. I have to be thankful that so far my appetite is reasonablly well and I can take in food. After the chicken obsession and brief paranoia on germs a few days ago, I decide to further re-orient my attitude towards food.
I want to be thankful that God has given us every living thing for food. (Genesis 9:3“Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.” ). I pray for the healing of our water (2 Kings 2: 21-22) and our land (2 Chronicles 7: 14); help us take proper care of our environment so our food source can be healthy. I hope to receive (and enjoy?) food as a gift from God and not as a source of stress-relief and gratification of unknown emotional needs. I am not sure if I can take responsibility for health and nutritional needs within reasonable time and I pray that the Lord will guide me. [Perhaps there can be more 食療 restaurants and stores to help ignorant people like me!]
Now I am making an effort to “enjoy” trying new dishes since there is home-help to do the shopping and preparation of food. I can be the head chef. I had acne for the past few days due to perhaps side effects of chemotherapy or just lowered immunity. These pimples hurt! So I tried to put bitter melon juice on it to relieve the pain and then...why not cook a bitter melon dish?! Yesterday I tried bitter melon spareribs. First time I cooked this dish because I had always hated bitter melon. Surprisingly it was very good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coincidence or not, my pimples are better today.
Well so much for my food adventure! Give us this day our daily bread – may God bless us with the nutrition we need each day to strengthen our body for His use.
In the beginning, food is a source of pleasure! Mom rewarded us with snacks after homework, getting a good grade or simply being good. When I observed her cooking in the kitchen, she would cut a chunk of carrot or steam a piece of shrimp and stick it in my mouth. Lots of warmth and love associated with food!
In college I learned to manage cooking myself. Food was still a major source of gratification (now more complex than the simple pleasure)after a long day of study or a stressful exam. It was also important when partying with other students. Being a good cook was also associated with feminity - i.e. wife material. It was then my own responsibility to manage food purchase, cooking and clean up. It could be burdensome when busy and dangerously a craving on days when I longed to be cared for. When I started working and eating out became affordable, it gradually developed into a convenient way to reduce stress, to socialize with friends and to cut time spent on household chores.
After marriage and as a working pastor’s wife, food became mostly a demanding burden. First cooking is the primary household responsibility of the wife. Second I am now in charge of our health through proper food choices. Third a pastor’s wife needs to cook for others -- hospitality is important in pastoral ministries, especially in North America. There are lots of guilt feelings revolving around eating out and throwing away money, wasting time on cooking and dinner events and lack of motivation to improve cooking skills. My new guideline is 1) finish cooking, eating and cleaning up within an hour (with husband’s help), 2) eat out only with family and friends for socializing (or ministry) purposes for proper use of money , 3) “fast” food for lunch with the computer to save time, and 4) gratify self with food for good and bad events (due to limited sources of pleasures and stress-relief other than food.) My food choices are rather limited because I want to control time spent on purchasing (get the same thing from the same place without having to think) and cooking (quick and simple). I also like predictable pleasures ordering the same dish from chain restaurants – Starbucks mocha, Macaroni Grill seafood linguine, Maxim 雞鴨飯, ….
In illness food takes on a new meaning. It is now my primary duty! I can understand how people develop eating disorders – an excessive focus on food and eating is not good! Now I have to eat regardless of appetite. Nutrition is crucial and food preparation requires careful monitoring of hygiene. For cancer patients, environmental contamination is a scare. For breast cancer patients, my beloved chicken has suddenly turned into the ultimate estrogen-ized enemy.
“Give us this day our daily bread” (from the Lord’s Prayer) had been my prayer for a friend who has leukemia – to be able to take in food is a gift. Now I pray the same prayer for myself. I have to be thankful that so far my appetite is reasonablly well and I can take in food. After the chicken obsession and brief paranoia on germs a few days ago, I decide to further re-orient my attitude towards food.
I want to be thankful that God has given us every living thing for food. (Genesis 9:3“Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.” ). I pray for the healing of our water (2 Kings 2: 21-22) and our land (2 Chronicles 7: 14); help us take proper care of our environment so our food source can be healthy. I hope to receive (and enjoy?) food as a gift from God and not as a source of stress-relief and gratification of unknown emotional needs. I am not sure if I can take responsibility for health and nutritional needs within reasonable time and I pray that the Lord will guide me. [Perhaps there can be more 食療 restaurants and stores to help ignorant people like me!]
Now I am making an effort to “enjoy” trying new dishes since there is home-help to do the shopping and preparation of food. I can be the head chef. I had acne for the past few days due to perhaps side effects of chemotherapy or just lowered immunity. These pimples hurt! So I tried to put bitter melon juice on it to relieve the pain and then...why not cook a bitter melon dish?! Yesterday I tried bitter melon spareribs. First time I cooked this dish because I had always hated bitter melon. Surprisingly it was very good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coincidence or not, my pimples are better today.
Well so much for my food adventure! Give us this day our daily bread – may God bless us with the nutrition we need each day to strengthen our body for His use.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)