Yesterday I went to the doctor’s office to have the draining tubes and most of the tapes removed. I then have a good look at my body at home, with the scars and everything. Prior to the surgery I read about mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. At first I wasn’t too sure about the reconstruction, with the additional surgery time and potential risks. Now I am glad because my body does not feel very different unless I intentionally look at the scars.
On the first day home, I watched TV and really noticed the beautiful figure of the women. Usually I would not even pay any attention or would simply think they need to cover their bodies with more clothes. I hope this attraction to woman's beautiful body figure is only temporary! But I did feel a sense of loss.
Regarding mastectomy, it is said that women have to mourn over the loss of the attribute of 1) femininity, 2) maternity and 3) sexuality. As I reflect on this I think I have problems in all 3 areas. First I never feel very feminine growing up; I would rather be a boy. Second, I do not have kids and never have the privilege nursing a baby. Third, sexuality is a taboo topic and most people have some unresolved issues. The mastectomy raises these issues but what I am dealing with is the mourning of incomplete womanhood rather than a physical body part.
I searched the Bible and studied the word “breast” focusing on the OT word shad (shad); or shod (shode). The breasts are indeed associated with feminity (mostly with the female body with some rather interesting descriptions in the Songs of Songs (Ch 4: 5, Ch 7: 3, 7, 8, Ch 8: 8, 10). In Isaiah, maternal nurturance (60:16, 66:11) is used metaphorically. When sexuality is associated, it seems mostly negative with the breasts described graphically and violently in relation to adultery and whoredom (Ezekiah 23: 3, 21, 34, Hosea 2:2). Wow! Overwhelming!
The most positive verse is Ps 22:9-10: Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. 10 From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God. (NIV) Psychologist Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory suggests that we develop a sense of basic trust during the nursing stage in infancy. The goodness from our mother's nuturance allows us to develop a basic sense of trust.
You can tell I do not really know what I am talking about because I have not really resolved issues related to womanhood. The surgery and the scar only give me a chance to ponder on this a little bit more. May the Lord grant me some new understanding that perhaps even at this old age I can embrace womanhood from a godly perspective. For now let me reclaim the whole body as an offering again: Romans 12:1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship.” (NIV)
In the meantime the doctor said I need to work on straightening my back. I don’t want to become a hunchback or 蝦米乾, it would be worse than mastectomy. Please pray for that. Will visit the doctor on Thursday and find out more about follow-up treatment.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
March 27 The Sofa
The sofa did arrive on Thursday. It was comfortable and I was very happy and thankful. Perhaps because I had a good seat to relax and rest during the day, it turned out that I didn’t sleep so well on Thursday night and was rather restless. So I compared day 1 and day 2:
A. Wed (day 1): No sofa → miserable BUT a good night of sleep and rest
B. Thurs (day 2): Sofa → happy BUT sleepless and restless night
Physical comfort: The two days turned out to be about the same.
Emotional well-being: Wednesday daytime was difficult (disappointment, frustration and teary) while Thursday nighttime was difficult (anxious, edgy and 胡思亂想)
Spiritual well-being: On Wednesday I called on the Lord to help me cope when the sofa did not come; the Lord blessed me instead with a restful night of sleep and I was thankful. On Thursday I thanked the Lord for the sofa and enjoyed it during the day, then called on the Lord to help me when sleepless and edgy at night.
Sofa and no sofa – the two days turned out to be about the same. [Same quality of life.] Which one will you choose?? A or B? I would certainly choose B (with sofa) -- I paid for it and should be entitled to have it on the expected delivery date. Plus, it is my plan and intention to have it arrive on that set day after discharge from hospital. Certainly I want things to go according to my way and my will. When it does not, can I trust that the Lord’s grace is sufficient? Am I confident that His blessings can be just as good in Plan A or Plan B? You may want an additional choice C (Sofa + happy + a good night of sleep)! Well yes...but then we may not call on the Lord and seek Him.
The sofa is just an example. Even today I struggled about something (much more important than the sofa). There are so many things I want to be in control and have it worked out my way. Lord, help me trustfully surrender to Your sovereign will and experience Your grace in all the circumstances to come. You way is higher than ours.
Isa 55:8-9
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the Lord. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. NIV
A. Wed (day 1): No sofa → miserable BUT a good night of sleep and rest
B. Thurs (day 2): Sofa → happy BUT sleepless and restless night
Physical comfort: The two days turned out to be about the same.
Emotional well-being: Wednesday daytime was difficult (disappointment, frustration and teary) while Thursday nighttime was difficult (anxious, edgy and 胡思亂想)
Spiritual well-being: On Wednesday I called on the Lord to help me cope when the sofa did not come; the Lord blessed me instead with a restful night of sleep and I was thankful. On Thursday I thanked the Lord for the sofa and enjoyed it during the day, then called on the Lord to help me when sleepless and edgy at night.
Sofa and no sofa – the two days turned out to be about the same. [Same quality of life.] Which one will you choose?? A or B? I would certainly choose B (with sofa) -- I paid for it and should be entitled to have it on the expected delivery date. Plus, it is my plan and intention to have it arrive on that set day after discharge from hospital. Certainly I want things to go according to my way and my will. When it does not, can I trust that the Lord’s grace is sufficient? Am I confident that His blessings can be just as good in Plan A or Plan B? You may want an additional choice C (Sofa + happy + a good night of sleep)! Well yes...but then we may not call on the Lord and seek Him.
The sofa is just an example. Even today I struggled about something (much more important than the sofa). There are so many things I want to be in control and have it worked out my way. Lord, help me trustfully surrender to Your sovereign will and experience Your grace in all the circumstances to come. You way is higher than ours.
Isa 55:8-9
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the Lord. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. NIV
Friday, March 26, 2010
March 26 Reflectons on Hezekiah's Healing Miracle
I had written briefly on the blog about the healing Hezekiah experienced. During my hospital stay, I meditated some more on his healing and the miraculous sign he received. In addition to 2 Kings 20, it is important to also study 2 Chronicles 32: 24-31.
Hezekiah is a man of great achievements:
1) Once he began his reign, he brought the priests and Levites together to purify the Temple (2 Chron 29:3-18). He restored sacrifices and worship (v.20-35), bringing the service of the Temple in order (v. 35)
2) He called both the Northern and Southern kingdom (Israel and Judah) to celebrate Passover together (2 Chron Ch 30)
3) He facilitated the destruction of Asherah poles, high places and altar (2 Chron 31:1). He even removed the bronze snake Moses had made, as people began to burn incense to it. (2 Kings 18:4)
4) He reinstated ongoing worship and offering in the Temple and thus priests and Levites serving the Temple received provisions (2 Chron 31:2-19).
5) He dealt with Sennacherib the King of Assyria with great faith in the Lord and courage (2 Chron 32). [Details of the incident are recorded in 2 Kings Ch 18-19.]
6) He had great riches and honors as well as treasures (2 Chron 32: 27)
7) He built villages and even channeled water from the Gihon Spring to the City. (2 Chron 32: 29-30).
Summary remarks of Hezekiah:
2 Chron 3:20-21 summarized Hezekiah as:
“He did what was good and right and faithful before the Lord his God. In everything that he undertook in the service of God’s temple and in obedience to the law and the commands, he sought his God and work wholeheartedly. And so he prospered.”
2 Kings 18: 5-7 summarized him as
“Hezekiah trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel. There was no one like him among all the kings of Judah, either before him or after him.”
My Reflections:
Here is an outstanding king, servant of God, and leader of God's people who succeeded in everything He undertook! The interesting transition is in 2 Chron 32: 23. “Many brought offerings to Jerusalem for the Lord and valuable gifts to Hezekiah King of Judah. From then on he was highly regarded by all the nations. (v. 23)” At the pinnacle of his life, Hezekiah was stricken with a terminal illness.
In 2 Kings 20, Hezekiah wept and prayed to the Lord, asking God to remember him (v. 2-3). [Note that he did not specifically ask for healing but to be remembered.] God heard his prayer, saw his tears and 1) healed him, 2) gave him additional 15 years, and 3) promised deliverance from Assyrians (v. 4-6). [These are great gifts!] When Isaiah put a poultice of figs on his boil, Hezekiah recovered (v.8). Yet he proceeded to ask for an additional sign for assurance that he would be able to go to the Temple in 3 days. He was then given a sign and he opted for a difficult one (v. 9 asking to see the shadow go back ten steps. [It seems that he became more demanding after the healing!]
2 Chron 32: 25 reported that Hezekiah had grown “proud”. [He seemed to have taken God’s gifts for granted instead of responding and receiving them with humility and thankfulness.] Later envoys were sent by the rulers of Babylon to ask him about this miraculous sign that had occurred in the land (2 Chron 32: 31). This would be a great opportunity for him to share with the Gentile King the wonderful miracle in his life. It would be the time to testify and honor God. Yet what Hezekiah did was to simply show off his wealth and his achievements, “There was nothing in his palace or in all his kingdom that Hezekiah did not show them.” (2 Kings 20: 13-15). When being tested (same word used in the testing of Abraham in Genesis 22), he failed (v.31). After a life faithfully following God, pride was found in his heart. How unfortunate!!
Illness and trials help us to humble ourselves before the Lord. Things have been going so well for me -- I enjoy teaching my courses, interaction with students, and research work with colleagues; I thank God for ministry and service opportunities… I love my Sunday School class and was about to start a new student bible study. In particular the Lord has been blessing me with spiritual lessons and breakthroughs. The cancer was shocking because things seem to be going “good” with no signs of physical ailments. You don’t expect a life-threatening illness to be growing within you when things are going well. I have to immediately put everything on hold to re-examine my life and humble myself before Him.
If the Lord would grant me a “miraculous healing,” I am not sure within my heart I have the gratitude and responsiveness to receive such great gifts. I ask the Lord to teach me to honor and acknowledge Him in everyway. I pray that I would really testify His goodness in the years to come and not dwell on any achievements as if they are my own doing. Dear God, when You test me and search my heart, may the blood of Christ cover my sin and my pride.
Hezekiah is a man of great achievements:
1) Once he began his reign, he brought the priests and Levites together to purify the Temple (2 Chron 29:3-18). He restored sacrifices and worship (v.20-35), bringing the service of the Temple in order (v. 35)
2) He called both the Northern and Southern kingdom (Israel and Judah) to celebrate Passover together (2 Chron Ch 30)
3) He facilitated the destruction of Asherah poles, high places and altar (2 Chron 31:1). He even removed the bronze snake Moses had made, as people began to burn incense to it. (2 Kings 18:4)
4) He reinstated ongoing worship and offering in the Temple and thus priests and Levites serving the Temple received provisions (2 Chron 31:2-19).
5) He dealt with Sennacherib the King of Assyria with great faith in the Lord and courage (2 Chron 32). [Details of the incident are recorded in 2 Kings Ch 18-19.]
6) He had great riches and honors as well as treasures (2 Chron 32: 27)
7) He built villages and even channeled water from the Gihon Spring to the City. (2 Chron 32: 29-30).
Summary remarks of Hezekiah:
2 Chron 3:20-21 summarized Hezekiah as:
“He did what was good and right and faithful before the Lord his God. In everything that he undertook in the service of God’s temple and in obedience to the law and the commands, he sought his God and work wholeheartedly. And so he prospered.”
2 Kings 18: 5-7 summarized him as
“Hezekiah trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel. There was no one like him among all the kings of Judah, either before him or after him.”
My Reflections:
Here is an outstanding king, servant of God, and leader of God's people who succeeded in everything He undertook! The interesting transition is in 2 Chron 32: 23. “Many brought offerings to Jerusalem for the Lord and valuable gifts to Hezekiah King of Judah. From then on he was highly regarded by all the nations. (v. 23)” At the pinnacle of his life, Hezekiah was stricken with a terminal illness.
In 2 Kings 20, Hezekiah wept and prayed to the Lord, asking God to remember him (v. 2-3). [Note that he did not specifically ask for healing but to be remembered.] God heard his prayer, saw his tears and 1) healed him, 2) gave him additional 15 years, and 3) promised deliverance from Assyrians (v. 4-6). [These are great gifts!] When Isaiah put a poultice of figs on his boil, Hezekiah recovered (v.8). Yet he proceeded to ask for an additional sign for assurance that he would be able to go to the Temple in 3 days. He was then given a sign and he opted for a difficult one (v. 9 asking to see the shadow go back ten steps. [It seems that he became more demanding after the healing!]
2 Chron 32: 25 reported that Hezekiah had grown “proud”. [He seemed to have taken God’s gifts for granted instead of responding and receiving them with humility and thankfulness.] Later envoys were sent by the rulers of Babylon to ask him about this miraculous sign that had occurred in the land (2 Chron 32: 31). This would be a great opportunity for him to share with the Gentile King the wonderful miracle in his life. It would be the time to testify and honor God. Yet what Hezekiah did was to simply show off his wealth and his achievements, “There was nothing in his palace or in all his kingdom that Hezekiah did not show them.” (2 Kings 20: 13-15). When being tested (same word used in the testing of Abraham in Genesis 22), he failed (v.31). After a life faithfully following God, pride was found in his heart. How unfortunate!!
Illness and trials help us to humble ourselves before the Lord. Things have been going so well for me -- I enjoy teaching my courses, interaction with students, and research work with colleagues; I thank God for ministry and service opportunities… I love my Sunday School class and was about to start a new student bible study. In particular the Lord has been blessing me with spiritual lessons and breakthroughs. The cancer was shocking because things seem to be going “good” with no signs of physical ailments. You don’t expect a life-threatening illness to be growing within you when things are going well. I have to immediately put everything on hold to re-examine my life and humble myself before Him.
If the Lord would grant me a “miraculous healing,” I am not sure within my heart I have the gratitude and responsiveness to receive such great gifts. I ask the Lord to teach me to honor and acknowledge Him in everyway. I pray that I would really testify His goodness in the years to come and not dwell on any achievements as if they are my own doing. Dear God, when You test me and search my heart, may the blood of Christ cover my sin and my pride.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
March 25 Am I "Good Enough" to face God
Yesterday I was almost in tears because the sofa that we ordered did not arrive. I need it desperately to support my back as none of our chairs serve that purpose and the wounds do not allow me to lie flat on the bed. In the past I would be embarrassed to share this with others as I despise my own “juvenile” emotions. Now I do have a different perspective about human weaknesses.
When I first learned about the cancer, I had asked the Lord whether I am ready to face death because I am not sure if I am “good enough” to meet Him. If you are my long-time friends, you may know that I frequently struggle with being “good enough.”
After the surgery, I have to deal with primitive bodily needs such as getting a sip of water, the passing of waste, and even breathing… (It is no wonder Freud made such a big deal about oral, anal and genital needs!). The Lord has spared me from any major complications, so I only have mild difficulties with these basic needs. One night while sitting on the toilet bowl, struggling (forgot what the issue was), I choked (it hurts to cough). I prayed to the Lord to help me. When you are dependent on the Lord with these very basic primary needs, you are really humbled; there is no room for pride. At the end when someday we pass through death, we would all eventually face this loss of bodily functions. We have to trust God to help us transition into the life after.
It dawned on me that Our Lord Jesus willingly came to earth to become one of us. He chose to become man and was an infant with basic bodily needs, dependent on others care. This assures us of His acceptance of all our weaknesses as human, even when one day our body and our functions may become an embarrassment. He had also experienced death and He will help us transition into the life after death. How great is His love!
I remembered an old song from Urbana – Lord of the Universe (Margaret Clarkson) and I sang it in the bathroom (silently in my heart).
Lord of the Universe, Hope of the World
Lord of the (lyrics forgotten here) ….
Here on this planet, you live our brief years,
Vastness confined in the womb of a maid,
Born in our likeness you ransomed our race,
Savior we worship you, more and yet more,
Help us to honor you, more and yet more.
When God’s love is very real, “good-enough” is not a relevant question. It is almost silly to ask that. I prayed to the Lord that He would help me hold onto His love. (At the end we cannot hold onto our intelligence, strength, accomplishments, good deeds…)
I do not exactly know how yet and may He teach us to hold onto Him and His love.
When I first learned about the cancer, I had asked the Lord whether I am ready to face death because I am not sure if I am “good enough” to meet Him. If you are my long-time friends, you may know that I frequently struggle with being “good enough.”
After the surgery, I have to deal with primitive bodily needs such as getting a sip of water, the passing of waste, and even breathing… (It is no wonder Freud made such a big deal about oral, anal and genital needs!). The Lord has spared me from any major complications, so I only have mild difficulties with these basic needs. One night while sitting on the toilet bowl, struggling (forgot what the issue was), I choked (it hurts to cough). I prayed to the Lord to help me. When you are dependent on the Lord with these very basic primary needs, you are really humbled; there is no room for pride. At the end when someday we pass through death, we would all eventually face this loss of bodily functions. We have to trust God to help us transition into the life after.
It dawned on me that Our Lord Jesus willingly came to earth to become one of us. He chose to become man and was an infant with basic bodily needs, dependent on others care. This assures us of His acceptance of all our weaknesses as human, even when one day our body and our functions may become an embarrassment. He had also experienced death and He will help us transition into the life after death. How great is His love!
I remembered an old song from Urbana – Lord of the Universe (Margaret Clarkson) and I sang it in the bathroom (silently in my heart).
Lord of the Universe, Hope of the World
Lord of the (lyrics forgotten here) ….
Here on this planet, you live our brief years,
Vastness confined in the womb of a maid,
Born in our likeness you ransomed our race,
Savior we worship you, more and yet more,
Help us to honor you, more and yet more.
When God’s love is very real, “good-enough” is not a relevant question. It is almost silly to ask that. I prayed to the Lord that He would help me hold onto His love. (At the end we cannot hold onto our intelligence, strength, accomplishments, good deeds…)
I do not exactly know how yet and may He teach us to hold onto Him and His love.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
March 24 Back Home
Back Home
Last week this time I was wheeled into the operation room. Praise God I am now at home. Yesterday was my first day back home from hospital. I still cannot walk around well due to the wound and I also have to manage the draining of fluid (pray that I do it well). But it is so GOOD to be home! With help I washed my hair and felt great.
Then I turned on the computer and read all the emails. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words of encouragement. Unfortunately I cannot answer them all. The problem is I usually get stuck in the same position in front of a computer. Yesterday I might have even strained my arm (real bad after lymph node removal). I must change these bad habits. I probably would prefer not to have visitors until later too. I enjoy people so much I tend to get excited when people are around; it is not a bad habit but it does take up energy. For now my priority is to rest and to rest in the Lord. I will try to treasure this as a special and required retreat to Him.
After relaxing for a while, I began to walk around and checked on things. It is real hard to be at home and not fix this and that. In the evening as I pondered on the next step of treatment, I started to feel anxious about the journey ahead. I became angry at Victor for misplacing receipts and “messing things up” (such as the kitchen stove top and the razor in the bathroom sink). The truth is I am afraid of not being able to care for him as he cannot take care of himself; the worst is I have to become more dependent on him taking care of me.
Although I got a bit emotional, the Lord blessed me with good sleep and reminded me to rest in His arms. (Psalm 127:2 ) “…For he grants sleep to those he loves.” (NIV) [Or “For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” (NASB)] Both translations are just as good!
Please pray for a home help in our area. A sister in the Lord is coming over to help me this week. But I certainly felt bad as she lives far away. Man Wan is a bit isolated. We want to find one soon to reduce work for Victor and to get the routine ready before my chemotherapy. I pray for a helper that can teach me to better manage cooking and to eat healthy as well.
The Lord has special blessings during my stay in the hospital and I will share them with you later in the blog. Loving parents set a time limit on computer use for their kids. I must do that to myself too!
Last week this time I was wheeled into the operation room. Praise God I am now at home. Yesterday was my first day back home from hospital. I still cannot walk around well due to the wound and I also have to manage the draining of fluid (pray that I do it well). But it is so GOOD to be home! With help I washed my hair and felt great.
Then I turned on the computer and read all the emails. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words of encouragement. Unfortunately I cannot answer them all. The problem is I usually get stuck in the same position in front of a computer. Yesterday I might have even strained my arm (real bad after lymph node removal). I must change these bad habits. I probably would prefer not to have visitors until later too. I enjoy people so much I tend to get excited when people are around; it is not a bad habit but it does take up energy. For now my priority is to rest and to rest in the Lord. I will try to treasure this as a special and required retreat to Him.
After relaxing for a while, I began to walk around and checked on things. It is real hard to be at home and not fix this and that. In the evening as I pondered on the next step of treatment, I started to feel anxious about the journey ahead. I became angry at Victor for misplacing receipts and “messing things up” (such as the kitchen stove top and the razor in the bathroom sink). The truth is I am afraid of not being able to care for him as he cannot take care of himself; the worst is I have to become more dependent on him taking care of me.
Although I got a bit emotional, the Lord blessed me with good sleep and reminded me to rest in His arms. (Psalm 127:2 ) “…For he grants sleep to those he loves.” (NIV) [Or “For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” (NASB)] Both translations are just as good!
Please pray for a home help in our area. A sister in the Lord is coming over to help me this week. But I certainly felt bad as she lives far away. Man Wan is a bit isolated. We want to find one soon to reduce work for Victor and to get the routine ready before my chemotherapy. I pray for a helper that can teach me to better manage cooking and to eat healthy as well.
The Lord has special blessings during my stay in the hospital and I will share them with you later in the blog. Loving parents set a time limit on computer use for their kids. I must do that to myself too!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
March 16 Prayer before surgery day
Yesterday one of my former Sunday school kids "IM" me to tell me they are praying for me. How sweet! Then my own Sunday school teacher (from maybe 25-30 years ago)called me and my former youth group counselor brought me some soup. It was indeed a very sweet day!!
I wonder how my Sunday school kids would pray for me – to get better, to be brave…to get rid of the cancer, to be healed… Now how did I teach them to pray? Not sure if I did alright. : ) I know I would want them to express themselves spontaneously and truthfully to their Heavenly Father. I like them to pray expectantly, that God will answer. The most challenging is to help them understand God’s responses, beyond the simple “yes” “no” and “wait”.
Many years ago, someone dear to me was comatose after a car accident. We prayed fervently for the person to wake up from the coma. One message from fellow believers was that if we had faith, God would heal. This had become my stumbling block for a long time as the person had remained in the so-called “vegetable” state. The diagnosis of cancer brought me fresh memories of that incident. In fact I cried over the disappointment from last time. I tried to gather my thoughts and asked myself what I had learned throughout these years and what my prayer should be in my own crisis.
1. First, complete recovery doesn’t guarantee the person would lead a good life afterwards. For example Hezekiah cried on his death bed and God gave him additional years plus a miracle against nature as a sign. The King of Babylon brought him a gift because of this illness and he did something foolish to invite turmoil in the years to come. (Read 1 King 20 to find out what happened).
2. Second, Jesus healed many on earth. His healing miracles are very varied - some including forgiveness, some involving touch and others simply from a distance. Sometimes the individual’s faith (woman with blood disease) was acknowledged; sometimes the requester’s faith seems to be the key (friends of the paralytic man, the Canaanite woman ready to take crumbs from the table for her daughter). Other times, it was simply based on Jesus’ compassion (e.g. the widow’s son who died). It is important to note that He helped those struggling to believe as well (Mark 9:24 & Luke 8:50).
3. Third, while we all bring our requests to God, Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane should supercede all prayers – a prayer that seeks the fulfillment of God’s will in His life, and not His own will.
My prayerI think prayer deep from within requires us to be naked before God. You are who you are and you bring your earnest request to God. I do pray for complete healing – mind, body and spirit. I pray for forgiveness of sins and the Lord’s cleansing and healing. I also pray that I can accept His sovereign will with faith, hope and love; especially when His healing path is different from what I would want. Lastly, I do pray for a renewed life – that I may be changed, that I may be able to live differently and hold onto to His love.
Thank you for all your prayers.
I wonder how my Sunday school kids would pray for me – to get better, to be brave…to get rid of the cancer, to be healed… Now how did I teach them to pray? Not sure if I did alright. : ) I know I would want them to express themselves spontaneously and truthfully to their Heavenly Father. I like them to pray expectantly, that God will answer. The most challenging is to help them understand God’s responses, beyond the simple “yes” “no” and “wait”.
Many years ago, someone dear to me was comatose after a car accident. We prayed fervently for the person to wake up from the coma. One message from fellow believers was that if we had faith, God would heal. This had become my stumbling block for a long time as the person had remained in the so-called “vegetable” state. The diagnosis of cancer brought me fresh memories of that incident. In fact I cried over the disappointment from last time. I tried to gather my thoughts and asked myself what I had learned throughout these years and what my prayer should be in my own crisis.
1. First, complete recovery doesn’t guarantee the person would lead a good life afterwards. For example Hezekiah cried on his death bed and God gave him additional years plus a miracle against nature as a sign. The King of Babylon brought him a gift because of this illness and he did something foolish to invite turmoil in the years to come. (Read 1 King 20 to find out what happened).
2. Second, Jesus healed many on earth. His healing miracles are very varied - some including forgiveness, some involving touch and others simply from a distance. Sometimes the individual’s faith (woman with blood disease) was acknowledged; sometimes the requester’s faith seems to be the key (friends of the paralytic man, the Canaanite woman ready to take crumbs from the table for her daughter). Other times, it was simply based on Jesus’ compassion (e.g. the widow’s son who died). It is important to note that He helped those struggling to believe as well (Mark 9:24 & Luke 8:50).
3. Third, while we all bring our requests to God, Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane should supercede all prayers – a prayer that seeks the fulfillment of God’s will in His life, and not His own will.
My prayerI think prayer deep from within requires us to be naked before God. You are who you are and you bring your earnest request to God. I do pray for complete healing – mind, body and spirit. I pray for forgiveness of sins and the Lord’s cleansing and healing. I also pray that I can accept His sovereign will with faith, hope and love; especially when His healing path is different from what I would want. Lastly, I do pray for a renewed life – that I may be changed, that I may be able to live differently and hold onto to His love.
Thank you for all your prayers.
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15 My Role Models
Some of you emailed me or commented that I have been very brave. Well, I am not! I really am just trying...
You see I have some very high standard role models - I completed my psychology internship at a children's hospital and had worked with kids from the hematology/oncology unit. It is on my resume although I probably had not shared much about the experience. The kids are real good fighters.
I remembered D, just about 6 or 7 years old, diagnosed with lukemia. A very nice kid with a bright future. We played videogames sometimes to help release the stress. Depsite the physical pain and discomforts, he always came up with new tricks to entertain the doctors and nurses. (Eventually he died.)
There was H, a child with a sexual abuse history, abandoned by her mother and cared for by her grandmother. I spent quite a bit of time with her and really shared her experience. She showed me the hair that fell off on the pillow, her sores in the mouth and her emotional ups and downs. H was finally discharged and improving...But then her elderly grandmother was too old to take care of all her medical needs. We have to file a report for medical neglect and were fearful that she might have to be placed in another foster home and lose her only attachment figure...
One time my supervisor sent me to do a mental status exam with M, who reported seeing the virgin Mary. (She was Latino and Catholic). So the issue was whether she was hallucinating. People were not very aware of cultural/spiritual issues. I felt awful asking someone dying to repeat digits but she was still polite and making effort. Fortunately she turned around and became better. (I didn't know whether she lived or died eventually.)
There are many other stories...Breast cancer is nothing compared to what they had been through. They have been real role models for me. So at the least I need to try my best in this ordeal. That is all I am doing.
Thank you for being there for me!
You see I have some very high standard role models - I completed my psychology internship at a children's hospital and had worked with kids from the hematology/oncology unit. It is on my resume although I probably had not shared much about the experience. The kids are real good fighters.
I remembered D, just about 6 or 7 years old, diagnosed with lukemia. A very nice kid with a bright future. We played videogames sometimes to help release the stress. Depsite the physical pain and discomforts, he always came up with new tricks to entertain the doctors and nurses. (Eventually he died.)
There was H, a child with a sexual abuse history, abandoned by her mother and cared for by her grandmother. I spent quite a bit of time with her and really shared her experience. She showed me the hair that fell off on the pillow, her sores in the mouth and her emotional ups and downs. H was finally discharged and improving...But then her elderly grandmother was too old to take care of all her medical needs. We have to file a report for medical neglect and were fearful that she might have to be placed in another foster home and lose her only attachment figure...
One time my supervisor sent me to do a mental status exam with M, who reported seeing the virgin Mary. (She was Latino and Catholic). So the issue was whether she was hallucinating. People were not very aware of cultural/spiritual issues. I felt awful asking someone dying to repeat digits but she was still polite and making effort. Fortunately she turned around and became better. (I didn't know whether she lived or died eventually.)
There are many other stories...Breast cancer is nothing compared to what they had been through. They have been real role models for me. So at the least I need to try my best in this ordeal. That is all I am doing.
Thank you for being there for me!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
March 14 Me and Victor
Thank you for all your words of encouragement!! They light up my day.
I pled with the Lord in the middle of my sleep that I would not lose my ability to work. I would not want Victor to have to find some other ministries to support me. "自由傳道" has been my ideal, basically reflecting a desire to do what we want. The Lord enlightened me that we are called to be His servants, we do what He wants us to do and we rely on His providence to support us. (If I consider myself a "tentmaker", then I have been too invested in making and marketing the tents!)
Recently I have been co-teaching a Sunday school class with Victor - Couples in the Bible series. It was a blessed experience. We find ourselves quite content with our relationship and we are truly thankful to the Lord. I personally feel that our marriage is not perfect but "good enough" - cannot expect too much in life. This incident has allowed us to recognize that the love we have for one another is actually deeper than we think. Love can always grow, sometimes particularly in times of trials!
This week I made dinner for Victor twice, not as a routine but with some love. I waited at the pier to greet him home from work. I sang for him (can't recall when the last time was). These things do not occur in our usual life because we usually manage them quickly to put work or ministries as priorities. There can be a lot of love in small things in our daily lives.
We have certainly shared a lot too - serious stuff such as life and death, "do not resuscitate", our visions and passions, future ministries, finances... and small but important things such as a new commitment to keep the kitchen and bathroom clean (now not grudgingly but with love and for health).
Love can always grow. May the Lord help us to love Him and others in a deeper way!
I pled with the Lord in the middle of my sleep that I would not lose my ability to work. I would not want Victor to have to find some other ministries to support me. "自由傳道" has been my ideal, basically reflecting a desire to do what we want. The Lord enlightened me that we are called to be His servants, we do what He wants us to do and we rely on His providence to support us. (If I consider myself a "tentmaker", then I have been too invested in making and marketing the tents!)
Recently I have been co-teaching a Sunday school class with Victor - Couples in the Bible series. It was a blessed experience. We find ourselves quite content with our relationship and we are truly thankful to the Lord. I personally feel that our marriage is not perfect but "good enough" - cannot expect too much in life. This incident has allowed us to recognize that the love we have for one another is actually deeper than we think. Love can always grow, sometimes particularly in times of trials!
This week I made dinner for Victor twice, not as a routine but with some love. I waited at the pier to greet him home from work. I sang for him (can't recall when the last time was). These things do not occur in our usual life because we usually manage them quickly to put work or ministries as priorities. There can be a lot of love in small things in our daily lives.
We have certainly shared a lot too - serious stuff such as life and death, "do not resuscitate", our visions and passions, future ministries, finances... and small but important things such as a new commitment to keep the kitchen and bathroom clean (now not grudgingly but with love and for health).
Love can always grow. May the Lord help us to love Him and others in a deeper way!
Friday, March 12, 2010
March 12 Decision-making in Life
March 12
Yesterday I did a lot of cleaning to get the house ready for sterilization (required for follow-up chemotherapy when one's immune system is down). It was actually not as difficult. Today I made arrangements for my courses and felt good that it is now in other people’s hands. I have to let go.
Then I decided to read more about mastectomy and prepare myself to face the psychological consequences. One thing I learned from reading the journal articles is that Chinese women in general tend to opt for mastectomy versus breast conserving therapy, considering it as more efficacious in managing cancer. They also tend to prefer a clear recommendation from their physician. One article was particularly helpful - Gambling with your life: The process of breast cancer treatment decision making in Chinese women (Lam et al, 2005). It is a qualitative study highlighting women’s decision making process. I feel much better reading it because I can really identify with the difficulties. The truth is you cannot really make decisions based on rational analytical processes. “Decisions were, for the most part, made using intuitive, pragmatic and emotionally driven criteria in the absence of complete information.”
While this may be classified as “fatalism” in scientific research, I think ultimately I have to trust in the sovereignty of God. We judge decisions by the outcome – the school we go to, career choices, the person we marry, the mutual fund we pick, the timing to sell the house, etc. Yet you won't know the outcome until you are there. Sometimes a good decision does not bring the good outcome promised while some bad decisions still reap surprisingly good results and you feel lucky or blessed. As much as I try to think rationally, weigh the pros and cons carefully to take charge of different circumstances in life, there are too many things beyond control. It is not gambling; it is humbling. To me the only important decisions are moral ones. The ultimate one is to choose God.
Yesterday I did a lot of cleaning to get the house ready for sterilization (required for follow-up chemotherapy when one's immune system is down). It was actually not as difficult. Today I made arrangements for my courses and felt good that it is now in other people’s hands. I have to let go.
Then I decided to read more about mastectomy and prepare myself to face the psychological consequences. One thing I learned from reading the journal articles is that Chinese women in general tend to opt for mastectomy versus breast conserving therapy, considering it as more efficacious in managing cancer. They also tend to prefer a clear recommendation from their physician. One article was particularly helpful - Gambling with your life: The process of breast cancer treatment decision making in Chinese women (Lam et al, 2005). It is a qualitative study highlighting women’s decision making process. I feel much better reading it because I can really identify with the difficulties. The truth is you cannot really make decisions based on rational analytical processes. “Decisions were, for the most part, made using intuitive, pragmatic and emotionally driven criteria in the absence of complete information.”
While this may be classified as “fatalism” in scientific research, I think ultimately I have to trust in the sovereignty of God. We judge decisions by the outcome – the school we go to, career choices, the person we marry, the mutual fund we pick, the timing to sell the house, etc. Yet you won't know the outcome until you are there. Sometimes a good decision does not bring the good outcome promised while some bad decisions still reap surprisingly good results and you feel lucky or blessed. As much as I try to think rationally, weigh the pros and cons carefully to take charge of different circumstances in life, there are too many things beyond control. It is not gambling; it is humbling. To me the only important decisions are moral ones. The ultimate one is to choose God.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
March 11 (Thoughts on Earning Power)
This morning I played the piano for 2 hours, singing all my favorite hymnns throughout the years. It brought back warm memories of how the Lord carried me through during difficult times. It was so healing!
The recurring theme the Lord has for me is to offer myself to Him. Rom 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. NIV
One song that I love was "Embrace the cross" by Steve Green. "Embrace the cross where Jesus suffered, though it will cost all you claim as yours. Your sacrifice will seem small beside the treasure, eternity can't measure what Jesus holds in store.(Search the web for the whole song. It is wonderful!)
One thing that I have claimed as mine is my POTENTIAL EARNING POWER. The following is what I wrote prior to this worship time. Now I am ready to acknowledge it is not mine anyway and to give it back to the Lord.
When I discovered the huge lump in my breast, the first thought that came to mind was the mortgage payment and how Victor will manage if I die or lose my job. Later I was somewhat surprised how much this concerns me. Since we were first married, I had always considered it important for me to keep a full-time job so that Victor would not stay in a ministry simply for the income to support his family. Then through the years, our goal has shifted to saving enough money so that we can be free to involve in any ministries without having to worry about finances. "自由傳道" becomes our ultimate goal.
I have had a stable income although I do not work too hard to earn a lot of money. I have never fully immersed into any kind of private practice because I have teaching and ministry as my priority. However, this POTENTIAL EARNING POWER makes me feel good and secure. When that is threatened, I was anxious. So suddenly I felt like we do not have enough money. Now we cannot purchase any kind of health insurance - because I have the big C (cancer)... i am unsure of health care expenses, what if I become unemployed... etc. To be honest, I would rather lose a breast than lose my POTENTIAL EARNING POWER!
Now I must give this potential earning power to the Lord and take another step of faith to trust in His providence.
The recurring theme the Lord has for me is to offer myself to Him. Rom 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. NIV
One song that I love was "Embrace the cross" by Steve Green. "Embrace the cross where Jesus suffered, though it will cost all you claim as yours. Your sacrifice will seem small beside the treasure, eternity can't measure what Jesus holds in store.(Search the web for the whole song. It is wonderful!)
One thing that I have claimed as mine is my POTENTIAL EARNING POWER. The following is what I wrote prior to this worship time. Now I am ready to acknowledge it is not mine anyway and to give it back to the Lord.
When I discovered the huge lump in my breast, the first thought that came to mind was the mortgage payment and how Victor will manage if I die or lose my job. Later I was somewhat surprised how much this concerns me. Since we were first married, I had always considered it important for me to keep a full-time job so that Victor would not stay in a ministry simply for the income to support his family. Then through the years, our goal has shifted to saving enough money so that we can be free to involve in any ministries without having to worry about finances. "自由傳道" becomes our ultimate goal.
I have had a stable income although I do not work too hard to earn a lot of money. I have never fully immersed into any kind of private practice because I have teaching and ministry as my priority. However, this POTENTIAL EARNING POWER makes me feel good and secure. When that is threatened, I was anxious. So suddenly I felt like we do not have enough money. Now we cannot purchase any kind of health insurance - because I have the big C (cancer)... i am unsure of health care expenses, what if I become unemployed... etc. To be honest, I would rather lose a breast than lose my POTENTIAL EARNING POWER!
Now I must give this potential earning power to the Lord and take another step of faith to trust in His providence.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
March 10 PET SCAN Result
On Monday night I learned from the PET SCAN report that there is no metastasis to other parts of the body. Praise the Lord! I was delighted and Victor was quick to see this as a miracle! God is merciful! Now a mastectomy does not seem so bad.
Today I realized that while the PET SCAN does not show metastasis, I have to wait till the surgery to remove the cancer to find out the type of cancer and the follow up treatment needed. While we pray for the best, God reminded me that His mercy to me should not be interpreted by the type of cancer or the extent of metastasis. So this is a little harder for me to take. My faith in Him and His love for me is not to be measured by the "good" or "bad" news/circumstances. The invitation is a journey to know Him beyond the good and bad.
The surgery is now set on next week Wed morning at 7:30 a.m. In the meantime the spiritual journey goes on.
Today I realized that while the PET SCAN does not show metastasis, I have to wait till the surgery to remove the cancer to find out the type of cancer and the follow up treatment needed. While we pray for the best, God reminded me that His mercy to me should not be interpreted by the type of cancer or the extent of metastasis. So this is a little harder for me to take. My faith in Him and His love for me is not to be measured by the "good" or "bad" news/circumstances. The invitation is a journey to know Him beyond the good and bad.
The surgery is now set on next week Wed morning at 7:30 a.m. In the meantime the spiritual journey goes on.
Friday, March 5, 2010
March 5 First Diagnosis
This is my first morning to wake up with cancer after the formal diagnosis yesterday. This song comes to my mind -
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning, new every morning.
Great is thy faithfulness O Lord, Great is thy faithfulness.
I decide to do a blog to record my journey. I choose THE GOOD FIGHT (1 Tim 6: 12, 2 Tim 4: 7) as the title. Greek - KALOS ARGON (both words are masculine!)
1 Tim 1: 18, the Greek word for fight is "strateia" - same word Paul uses in 2 Cor 10: 4. The weapons of our warfare is not carnal, but from God.
May the Lord help me fight this good fight - perhaps not against cancer. But just focusing in general on the GOOD FIGHT. The goal is that when it is time for departure, one can say as Paul did, 2 Tim 4:7-8
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning, new every morning.
Great is thy faithfulness O Lord, Great is thy faithfulness.
I decide to do a blog to record my journey. I choose THE GOOD FIGHT (1 Tim 6: 12, 2 Tim 4: 7) as the title. Greek - KALOS ARGON (both words are masculine!)
1 Tim 1: 18, the Greek word for fight is "strateia" - same word Paul uses in 2 Cor 10: 4. The weapons of our warfare is not carnal, but from God.
May the Lord help me fight this good fight - perhaps not against cancer. But just focusing in general on the GOOD FIGHT. The goal is that when it is time for departure, one can say as Paul did, 2 Tim 4:7-8
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
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