Dec 21, 2015

During this time, Victor and I have a discrepancy – I am eager to be with the Lord and feel that we should be grieving our eventual separation. Victor perceives differently and believes God will somehow provide a way out. Sometimes we feel a tension due to this difference. What binds us together is that we are both committed to seeking the sovereign will of God. I guess this is critical in marriage – to seek God’s will for each of us individually and as a couple, trusting that He would lead and guide accordingly, (and not insisting on our own position). Today I got the CT scan results indicating that the cancer had spread to the liver and bones. I am not surprised with the findings. I decide to still proceed with the 3rd chemotherapy cycle as scheduled tomorrow and then give some time to consider whether it is time to discontinue treatment and shift to palliative care. Although there are still “chemotherapy treatment options,” I believe at some point I want to make the decision with peace and conviction. Some folks are convinced that Christians “must” pray for healing with faith. I do not exactly agree. My faith is that God can certainly heal and it can be in whatever way that pleases him. He can work through traditional or alternative medicine, diet, exercise, meditation and different spiritual practices, etc., but His miracles are not bound by these means, His miracles are above and beyond. Some folks believe that we should always be “positive.” I do not need a false hope that I would get better. I am not waiting for death. I am “waiting on the Lord“, and for His will for me to be fulfilled. I want to complete His will for me on earth and press towards the finish line. May the Lord be merciful and carry me through! 這段時間我和Victor有些張力， 我渴望離世與主同在因而覺得應該跟Victor面對離世的哀傷，而Victor感到神會在我們的試煉中開出一條新路。 使我們可以合一的便是我們同心尋求神的旨意，期望祂的主權在我們個人和夫婦一體上按祂心意成就，這在婚姻中是重要的，免得我們把個人的觀點和定向看得太重。 今天CT報告顯示癌已經擴散至肝和骨，我自己未感意外，決定明天依期接受第三針化療，自己再思想何時會放棄其他化療方案而轉向舒緩治療。我盼望禱告後心中有平安，清楚踏上這一步。 有些朋友認爲基督徒面對疾病必須要凴信心祈求醫治，我不完全認同，我深信神能在任何時間，任何地點，對任何人用任何方法醫治，不限於傳統醫療，非傳統醫療，特別食療，運動工夫，屬靈操練等等。有些人叫我積極樂觀，我並不覺得談及（預備）死亡就是消極悲觀，因爲我不需要一個虛假的盼望，因爲我不是等死，是“等候神”自己，盼望完成祂的旨意，把世上當做的事完成，直奔到終點！求神憐憫，叫我好好靠祂走後這段路!

Second Chemo, Dec 2

Dec 2, 2015 Well I become impatient, hoping that the Lord would take me to Him in my sleep or something, so that I may be spared from the painful treatment! The truth is there is no escape for now. I must walk step-by-step. So I had my 2nd chemotherapy shot yesterday. These days my body has continued to decline – more dizziness, easily fatigue, etc.. Gradually it has become more challenging to focus on praying and on His Word. It is generally easier to be passive in worship (listening to hymns, have others pray for me, etc.) than to be active. Victor and I started work on a new Sunday School series on leadership through the study of Kings and Chronicles. This keeps me going a little bit. But overall it is easy to “feel distant” from God without the usual church activities and spiritual practices. Sometimes I also have “bad dreams” of a spiritual nature. This may be due to the medication causing nightmares or just my body not being able to rest well. It can feel spiritually disconcerting. I cry earnestly for the Lord’s mercy. The prayer deep in my heart is that God will allow me to go to Him in peace with confidence and joy, not in fear or in bitterness feeling abandoned by His love because of pain. Lord, help me hold onto you. 這段期間我漸漸感到不耐，心中偷偷地盼望神也許會在睡中帶我到天家,使我能免受肉身的痛苦, 然而, 事實是我必須一步一步走下去。昨天我開始了化療的第二針! 我的身體未見好轉, 反而慢慢轉差 - 更多頭暈作嘔，容易疲勞和虛弱等。漸漸地我感到難以專注於祈禱和讀經, 通常被動式的敬拜是比較容易的（如聽詩歌，聽別人為我祈禱等等）。 Victor和我開始預備一個新的主日學課程, (讀舊約王上/下, 歷上/下) 關於作領袖的, 這讓我打起一點點精神。但總體來說離開了慣常的教會活動和一貫的屬靈操練, 很容易感到神有點“遙遠”。 有時候，我也有一些屬靈的“惡夢”, 這可能是由於藥物引起又或許我的身體不能夠完全休息。但這都會另我感到有點不安。 我切切哭求神的憐憫。在我的心深處, 求神讓我平安到天家去, 滿有信心和喜樂，而不是帶著恐懼痛苦, 埋怨被祂的愛遺棄。主啊，求你保守我! Doris葉師母