Thursday, September 23, 2010

September 23 Seeking His Path

Today I had my 13th session of radiotherapy, meaning I am more than half-way through and there are only twelve more to go! Now I pray more intensely during the treatment session and it goes fast because I barely make through 3 prayer items. It is amazing how focusing on the Lord can do.

Yesterday was a trying day. After the radiotherapy session, Victor and I went to Macau for my class. The ferry ride was so rocky we both broke into cold sweat. Victor got the bag ready for vomit. Fortunately we were spared. It was so bad I questioned again whether I can manage teaching in Macau. When we arrived, it was raining so hard I prayed for it to turn into a drizzle so that I could go back to campus. I ended up getting late for my appointment because I simply could not walk as fast as I used to. I had small group meetings with students yesterday. The small groups went well. I love what I do! I noted that when my mind is focused (on tasks or with people), I can be so absorbed I forget my hunger, physical pain and everything (e.g how hard the ferry ride was). The positive side is that I really enjoy what I do and I can be very productive in such condition. The negative side is I can be so focused on the mind and the activities that I totally neglect my bodily needs. I need to find out the activity level that is good and fitting for me.

Whever I pray for healing, I yearn for restoration of my health, particularly my energy level. I am waiting on the Lord to show me more about His will and His plan for me such that I can make changes accordingly. I realize what I long for most is not the revitalization of energy, but rather I want to be assured that I am walking in the center of His will - that is where I can find peace. Pray with me that I may know His path and follow with joy.

Friday, September 17, 2010

September 17 Please Pray for Our Friends

The second week of radiotherapy is over! Today the machine broke down again so we had to wait patiently. My throat sores, not sure whether it is due to the side effects of radiotherapy or some kind of infection. So I am trying to be cautious as infection will delay the radiotherapy. Yet I am learning to trust in the Lord's timing - His sovereign will is higher than mine.

Some friends are concerned how I am doing. I actually am doing okay. Most people who visit or talk to me on the phone think I sound good. I still joke! I was very alive during my lecture on Wednesday. It is my "occupational tendency" (or 職業病) to feel like I should be attentive to others and contain my own feelings when I am face-to-face with people,. Writing the blog is a new venture, it allows me to express deeper feelings and be more open, sharing my struggles and vulnerabilities, which I usually am uncertain whether it is appropriate or not.

We have some sad news. Victor's friend passed away during a scuba diving accident, leaving his wife and two young kids behind. Please pray for the Lord's special presence with this family. This reminds us again we need to trust in God's sovereign will. My high school buddy is also diagnosed with breast cancer and she is going to have her operation next Tuesday. I pray that the Lord will strengthen her faith and that this may be an opportunity for her family members to come to know the Lord.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

September 14 Getting used to Radiotherapy

I am gradually recovering, trying to stay positive and humbly acknowledging my limitations. Victor noted that if I joke, I am okay. If I do not, that is not good. If I start to snap back in English, it is usually a bad omen (precursor to a fever!)

Last Sunday I was able to go to church after missing worship services for a few weeks due to the fever and body weaknesses. The sermon was on Psalm 27, one of my favorite Psalms. It was a special blessing! [V.13-14 “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” NIV]

I am getting used to the radiotherapy sessions now, learning to cooperate with the staff when they work on my half-naked body in its awkward position. The key is to be passive and let them move you. I am somewhat surprised but glad that I learn to “cooperate” quickly. When I lie there, my mind tends to drift here and there. Today I thought about individuals with developmental disabilities, a population particularly vulnerable to abuse. At one point in my life I have some “expertise” on sexual abuse issues related to this population. They are a high risk population because they have to be reliant on others to take care of their bodies and have often been taught to be compliant. Bodily boundaries are blurred and sometimes being too compliant may put them at risk. You may think that the assoication of radiotherapy to sexual abuse of individuals with developmental disabilities is remote. It is amazing how this patient role has allowed (forced?) me to experience things from very different perspectives. These days I think about people I had worked with (or served) in the past and sometimes gain new insights because of my patient role. I pray that I would have more understanding, empathy and compassion in the days to come.

As for the teaching, I am learning to pray more for wisdom so that I can offer my best to the students. Plus, I want to do it with more of my “heart.” I appreciate your prayers on this. Tomorrow I will be traveling back for my class.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

September 9 Day of Rest

Yesterday the radiation machine had problems and everything was delayed. We got notified but it was still a long wait. One thing about being a patient is that you can only be patient. We were all watching this tragic soap opera on TV and there was really no escape from the drama in the waiting room.

Due to the machine problem, the treatment session was cancelled today. The bad news is it would prolong the treatment. The good news is I can take a break without having to run around too much. This allows me some time to rest and recuperate.

I am learning to be still during the radiotherapy session. It is easier now because the actual treatment session is short and my arms would not go numb. I guess in ordinary life it is hard for me to be still too. I tend to feel my existence through activities and my aliveness only in action. It takes some will power to stay still and not get agitated! Therefore it is difficult to imagine a life without movement and actions. Yet, “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)

I reviewed my study notes on healing. Here is one of my favorite verses:

Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who (heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who (crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.
(Psalm 103: 1-5) (NASB)

Thank you for all your prayers and kind words.

Monday, September 6, 2010

September 6 First Day of Radiation therapy

A lot has happened since my last blog entry. My condition stabilized towards the end of the week. The benefit of the experience is that I am more aware of my body. My usual body temperature is 36.8 to 37.0. When it is 37.4, I would feel quite irritable. When it reaches 38.0, my thoughts become quite negative and my judgment is not good. Now I know to order myself to rest more readily. Another benefit was that I quickly seek help from colleagues to substitute for me for the weekend student retreat I was responsible for. I was able to go back to Macau on Saturday and Sunday and manage to attend two sessions. Victor and I returned on Sunday night; I rested and got ready for today’s radiation therapy.

I was thankful for the students’ support. I realized I do really love what I do. It is a privilege and I am grateful for ten good years in higher education the Lord has given me. There are tears too, which has helped me grow as a person and enriched my life. It dawned on me that there may be a day when I would not be up to par to give my students the best education experience I would like to, and that it is possible that I cannot hold my job. I may still be able to work, but a significant reduction of workload and not keeping a “career-type” job. I may not be able to advance anymore. I feel sad. I have always wanted to learn, to improve myself, to become better, to advance, to discover my potential, to reach the impossible dream… I have always prayed that I would become the woman God wants me to. For once, I believe that perhaps I have become the woman God wants me to be. However I may not become the woman I want to be. If it is the Lord who is writing the script, can I truly be contented with who I am?

Today I had my first radiation therapy.

I had to lie on my back, raised my hands up next to my head and stayed in the exact position without moving. It took the team quite a while to figure out the details and they have to call on the doctors to check things out. During this time my left arm had become so numb I almost felt “dissociated” from it. I began to feel panicky as this triggers some of my deeper fears: that I would lose control over my body while my mind is still active and alive. Lately I have thought a lot about my sister (who was in a vegetative state after a car accident) and my mother (who passed away having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, a progressive neurodegenerative disease). I was shocked by my own reaction - I was close to being in tears and I had to tell the staff I was about to panic (and move). On one hand, I am working on trustful surrender to the Lord’s sovereignty over my body under all circumstances and that His love would be there to carry me through. On the other hand, I am also working on faith in His healing power, that it is possible for me to regain health and live a vibrant life. It seems that true faith requires me to have both. The fluctuation in bodily temperature, the side effects from chemotherapy and this numbness had stirred up all this. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and grant me faith in Him

Thursday, September 2, 2010

September 2 Fluctuation Again

This morning I went for a walk. Perhaps it was the poor air quality, my body started not feeling so good. My temperature went up again in the afternoon. Victor seemed to be sneezing too. It may be allergy due to the bad air. But it can be a cold or something else. (It is quite difficult to be free from each other's germs.)

In the past few months, my sole focus had been on getting ready for the next shot. Now that the shots are over and as I look ahead to the next stage, I felt so stuck as if I cannot move forward. Today I also read a book on health (from another breast cancer survivors) - it seems impossible for me to live such a life - eating healthy and organic food (they are expensive), making fresh fruit and vegetable juice everyday and doing all the "right" things... So I felt quite discouraged. I really don't expect that it would be the hardest when I am close to the end of the tunnel.

I am praying that the Lord would show me what I need to learn in this part of the journey, that I won't miss out anything He wants to instruct me. I want to fight whatever infection (or fever) well. I pray that the Lord would give me wisdom and direct me to the healthy life style that is appropriate for me. May He help me to surrender and trust in His sovereign will in my life.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

September 1 Temperature Back to Normal

Last night my temperature started to go down to normal. As I am feeling better, Victor felt that I could handle some interesting information. He told me that on Monday when we were at the hospital, a lady he chatted with asked him whether I am his MOTHER! Can you believe this?! Oh well.

I do have a normal temperature when I write this blog.