Monday, December 21, 2015

Dec 21, 2015

During this time, Victor and I have a discrepancy – I am eager to be with the Lord and feel that we should be grieving our eventual separation. Victor perceives differently and believes God will somehow provide a way out. Sometimes we feel a tension due to this difference. What binds us together is that we are both committed to seeking the sovereign will of God. I guess this is critical in marriage – to seek God’s will for each of us individually and as a couple, trusting that He would lead and guide accordingly, (and not insisting on our own position). Today I got the CT scan results indicating that the cancer had spread to the liver and bones. I am not surprised with the findings. I decide to still proceed with the 3rd chemotherapy cycle as scheduled tomorrow and then give some time to consider whether it is time to discontinue treatment and shift to palliative care. Although there are still “chemotherapy treatment options,” I believe at some point I want to make the decision with peace and conviction. Some folks are convinced that Christians “must” pray for healing with faith. I do not exactly agree. My faith is that God can certainly heal and it can be in whatever way that pleases him. He can work through traditional or alternative medicine, diet, exercise, meditation and different spiritual practices, etc., but His miracles are not bound by these means, His miracles are above and beyond. Some folks believe that we should always be “positive.” I do not need a false hope that I would get better. I am not waiting for death. I am “waiting on the Lord“, and for His will for me to be fulfilled. I want to complete His will for me on earth and press towards the finish line. May the Lord be merciful and carry me through! 這段時間我和Victor有些張力, 我渴望離世與主同在因而覺得應該跟Victor面對離世的哀傷,而Victor感到神會在我們的試煉中開出一條新路。 使我們可以合一的便是我們同心尋求神的旨意,期望祂的主權在我們個人和夫婦一體上按祂心意成就,這在婚姻中是重要的,免得我們把個人的觀點和定向看得太重。 今天CT報告顯示癌已經擴散至肝和骨,我自己未感意外,決定明天依期接受第三針化療,自己再思想何時會放棄其他化療方案而轉向舒緩治療。我盼望禱告後心中有平安,清楚踏上這一步。 有些朋友認爲基督徒面對疾病必須要凴信心祈求醫治,我不完全認同,我深信神能在任何時間,任何地點,對任何人用任何方法醫治,不限於傳統醫療,非傳統醫療,特別食療,運動工夫,屬靈操練等等。有些人叫我積極樂觀,我並不覺得談及(預備)死亡就是消極悲觀,因爲我不需要一個虛假的盼望,因爲我不是等死,是“等候神”自己,盼望完成祂的旨意,把世上當做的事完成,直奔到終點!求神憐憫,叫我好好靠祂走後這段路!

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Second Chemo, Dec 2

Dec 2, 2015 Well I become impatient, hoping that the Lord would take me to Him in my sleep or something, so that I may be spared from the painful treatment! The truth is there is no escape for now. I must walk step-by-step. So I had my 2nd chemotherapy shot yesterday. These days my body has continued to decline – more dizziness, easily fatigue, etc.. Gradually it has become more challenging to focus on praying and on His Word. It is generally easier to be passive in worship (listening to hymns, have others pray for me, etc.) than to be active. Victor and I started work on a new Sunday School series on leadership through the study of Kings and Chronicles. This keeps me going a little bit. But overall it is easy to “feel distant” from God without the usual church activities and spiritual practices. Sometimes I also have “bad dreams” of a spiritual nature. This may be due to the medication causing nightmares or just my body not being able to rest well. It can feel spiritually disconcerting. I cry earnestly for the Lord’s mercy. The prayer deep in my heart is that God will allow me to go to Him in peace with confidence and joy, not in fear or in bitterness feeling abandoned by His love because of pain. Lord, help me hold onto you. 這段期間我漸漸感到不耐,心中偷偷地盼望神也許會在睡中帶我到天家,使我能免受肉身的痛苦, 然而, 事實是我必須一步一步走下去。昨天我開始了化療的第二針! 我的身體未見好轉, 反而慢慢轉差 - 更多頭暈作嘔,容易疲勞和虛弱等。漸漸地我感到難以專注於祈禱和讀經, 通常被動式的敬拜是比較容易的(如聽詩歌,聽別人為我祈禱等等)。 Victor和我開始預備一個新的主日學課程, (讀舊約王上/下, 歷上/下) 關於作領袖的, 這讓我打起一點點精神。但總體來說離開了慣常的教會活動和一貫的屬靈操練, 很容易感到神有點“遙遠”。 有時候,我也有一些屬靈的“惡夢”, 這可能是由於藥物引起又或許我的身體不能夠完全休息。但這都會另我感到有點不安。 我切切哭求神的憐憫。在我的心深處, 求神讓我平安到天家去, 滿有信心和喜樂,而不是帶著恐懼痛苦, 埋怨被祂的愛遺棄。主啊,求你保守我! Doris葉師母

Monday, November 16, 2015

Before Chemo, Nov 16

I come to terms that there is really no escape from feelings of vulnerability as my body declines. Refugees, children, women, elderly, and a lot of people experience various forms of vulnerabilities in their circumstances. I have lived a life too privileged to understand their pain. I look up to God for “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).” . I had half of my 1st chemo shot last Tuesday and tomorrow I will have the other half shot. My brother visited last weekend and I felt rested that I had said goodbye to all my family members. Prior to my chemotherapy, I settled most matters. I arranged to give away my money, my clothes, my jewelry, my professional books, etc. and now I am left with the basics. I am happy about making these arrangements. Giving away our possessions really helps us detach from earthly things. I thought about how Jesus’ disciples left “everything” to follow Jesus. It is not easy to give away one’s possessions. I cannot quite do that until this moment with a terminal illness. The harder part is giving away our desires to be significant, accomplished, powerful, admirable, excellent, etc. in the worldly sense. Only in the face of death can I leave this behind. There is actually tremendous peace. These days I am dependent on my family and friends’ love and care to sustain me. And I try my best to live because of their love for me. If the Lord would heal me, I pray that He would teach me how to live life. If the Lord would receive me to His bosom, I pray that He would help me follow Him step by step with faith. 我慢慢接受了在身體衰敗的過程中, 感到自己的脆弱是在所難免的。在世界的不同角落,不同的人(如難民,兒童,婦女,老人,病人)每天都經歷著不同程度的無助和軟弱,我一直過著安舒的生活,對他們的痛苦理解很少,服侍他們的機會更少。 我惟有仰望神,因“耶 和 華 靠 近 傷 心 的 人 , 拯 救 靈 性 痛 悔 的 人(詩34:18)。” 我上星期二開始化療, 在化療前已作好準備。我哥哥回港探望我以後, 我感到十分平安, 跟家人都有一個道別的機會, 能再見面便是格外的恩典。我接著處理了大部份的事務, 把我的錢,衣服,首飾,專業書籍等安排給了他人, 現在我只剩下基本需要了。對這些安排, 我感覺良好, 撇下世上的財物使我們對世上的事物少了眷戀。我想到耶穌的門徒撇下“一切”跟隨祂, 這是絕不容易的,我一直不能做到這一點,直到這一刻有了絕症才能慢慢放下。更困難的是放下渴望成功,優秀,強勢,被敬重等等各樣的欲望, 但這些欲望也是屬世界的,是虛無飄渺。也許只有在面對死亡的時候,人才能從這些欲望釋放出來,得到前所未有的平安。但也有在面對死亡時候心有不甘的, 更感痛苦遺憾。 這些日子,我依賴我的家人和朋友的愛和關懷,來維持我的生命。我也盡我所能,好好的活著, 以報答他們的愛和付出。主若醫治我使我復原,我祈求祂教我如何生活。若主接我到祂懷裡,我祈求祂幫助我憑信一步一步跟隨祂!

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The Pain of Dying, Nov 8

The past two weeks have been difficult. I learned that the target therapy was not working well and the oncologist recommended me to prepare for 6 cycles of chemotherapy shot. I was also hospitalization again to have pleural (lung) fluid removed. The hospitalization was unpleasant. First I did not have the usual pain medication provided. Second the removal was difficult, triggering more coughing. Third, I was bed-ridden that night. I (and two other ladies) needed pee-pans. These things were not immediately available as one would wish. Spilling the contents would mess up the bed and clothes you wear. Due to the medication, I also had problems urinating. Combining these three factors, this set off my anxiety over loss of bodily control and feelings of vulnerability, which lingered on for the past two weeks. I do not want to romanticize the dying process. I have wanted to finish my race with things wrapped up neatly and organized. I have wanted to be the child ready to reunite with parents’ after a long day of school, with everything well done. I hope to be immediately taken by the Lord and be spared of the “dying.” In reality, I toss and turn over the pain and discomfort. I worry about gasping for air, excreting waste, etc.. Yes, there is the spiritual aspect embracing God in the dying process. But the physical and emotional aspects are also very real. I felt that my “vulnerable self” is taking over my usual self. It is as if I regress to the fearful child who cry and cry, over and over unknown pains and discomforts and loss of control. We are to meet God broken and naked. Old Testament Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I feel this nakedness – as I am. Despite all the years of effort overcoming these primitive fears to become confident, capable, achieving, educated, etc.. I do not want to feel naked, helpless and vulnerable. In the dying process, you have to face again who I am. In my nakedness, I cried to the Lord for mercy. Specific prayer items: 1) Chemotherapy beginning Nov 10. 2) Victor and I having peace in the Lord together regarding His will. 3) Holding onto His presence in times of physical and emotional pain.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Oct 19, 2015

The commitment to pray has been good. I prayed for a church evangelistic meeting in U.S. and was delighted to find that a family member attended and accepted Christ. This brings great joy to our family. I learned that we only need to be faithful in praying. Sometimes I simply remember the person, not knowing the circumstances and details; knowing that the Lord works in His wonderful way. This way we wait on the Lord without passing “judgement” on how things should be. The Lord has also sent angels to bring me food, which whet my appetite significantly. I eat better. Words cannot express my gratitude. God’s providence is amazing. May God bless and reward their love. My students have also sent kind words to encourage me. I can only praise God for His blessings in surprisingly ways. I still long to be with the Lord “quickly” and be spared a slow and painful dying process. Some days I cry for His mercy. I struggle to submit to His sovereign will. May He carry me through! Specific Prayer Requests: 1. The effectiveness of the target therapy. 2. To cope with the pain. 3.To walk step-by-step with faith and hope. 爲他人禱告是有福的! 剛開始時, 爲美國一間教會的培靈佈道會祈禱,後來竟發現一位家人出席並接受了基督,這是何等的喜樂!我學到的功課就是我們只需要忠心祈禱,主會按祂的旨意成就。有時候我只是默默記念一個人,一個家庭,雖不知道具體情況和細節,但主是知道的,我的代禱内容不重要,神的奇妙作爲才是我所等候盼望的。這樣,也可避免自己意見多多或自以爲知道主的意念。 主也派天使給我預備不同的美食,這對我的胃口有很大的幫助。心中十分感激,願神親自報答他們的愛心,這讓我經歷神的愛顧和奇妙的供應! 我的學生也紛紛寫下鼓勵祝福的話,我感謝神以不同的方式來祝福我, 托住我! 我求主“快快”地接我回天家,使我不必度過一個漫長而痛苦的死亡過程。有些日子,我哭求神的憐憫,掙扎著要順服神的主權和旨意。求主幫助我!! 具體的代禱:1.標把治療的效用2.應付疼痛3.用信心和希望一步一步走。

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Oct 1, 2015

Thank you for your prayer and support! It has carried me through this time. I experienced peace despite increasing pain and discomfort. I was hospitalized once due to intense pain and had pleural fluid drawn from my lungs. Unfortunately the release from discomfort was short-lived. During hospitalization, I had quite some time alone doing nothing. As I quietened down, I felt ready to meet my Lord and pray that I may be released from this body on earth. I had closure with most things and felt ready to leave. There is not much to look forward to now as my activities are increasingly restricted. I can only wait on Him. “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:7) I have to wait for His timing and His sovereign will. Now I merely desire to be relieved from the body. I pray earnestly to be ready to embrace God with faith, hope and love. Is that possible? What exactly does that mean? Can I be joyful and peaceful when the moment comes? My sister has come back from U.S. to care for me. I am thankful for all the love and support I have received from family and friends, knowing that I deserve nothing. I am so privileged to have you! Victor has also been wonderful and has come to accept my plight. It is difficult for him to see me in pain. We are journeying together and trust that he also would be blessed with faith, hope and love. I am confident that God will have new blessings in the days to come. I depend on God in breathing, eating, sleeping, and disposing bodily waste because they are a challenge nowadays. I am also praying not to be entirely body-centered and pain-focused. I pray to draw close to Him and submit to His sovereign good will. I pray to always hope in healing because with Him nothing is impossible. I pray to live day-by-day with gratitude and joy. I don’t think there is much for me to do on earth. If there is, I pray that God will show me. Although I cannot do much, I can pray. So I am going to devoted myself to prayer. If you have any prayer request, send me an email (moknyap@gmail.com) or whatsapp me. It would be the most meaningful task while waiting on the Lord on earth! 謝謝您的禱告和支持!保守我渡過這段時間,儘管疼痛和不適越來越多, 我卻經歷出人意外的平安。 我因劇痛住院兩天並抽肺積水,可惜這舒緩只是短暫的。住院期間我有一段長時間獨處和默默禱告,當我安靜下來時,感到已經準備好見主的面,心底裏盼望能從肉身釋放出來。對於世上的事, 我已有所交待, 沒有甚麽眷戀遺憾,由於身體的軟弱,活動越來越多限制, 我也沒有甚麽期待。 主啊,如今我等甚麽呢? 我的指望在乎你!(詩篇39:7)我要等候神的時間和祂的旨意。但這刻我只希望能從肉體釋放, 不知是否真的準備好見神, 我禱告能帶著信, 望, 愛到主的懷抱 -- 這可能嗎?我對這知道的很少,也不真知道如何預備自己, 求主幫助我, 盼望當時刻來臨時,我能帶著是喜樂和平安見主! 我姐姐已經從美國回來照顧我至十月底。我深深感謝家人和朋友的愛和支持, 這不是我配得的, 但神還是豐豐富富的賞賜給我。很感恩生命有你! Victor在這段時間十分十分好!他接受我的困境, 只是看見我痛苦還是十分難受。我們一同走下去,相信他也必在信望愛中成長。我深信神必有新的祝福賜給他並陶造他成爲祂的喜悅的僕人! 我每天的呼吸,吃飯,睡覺,和排泄都得依靠神, 因為這些生活中最基本的動作都隨時是我的挑戰。我祈求自己不要完以身體和疼痛為每天的重心。我祈盼能親近祂,等候祂完美的旨意和計劃在我身上成就。我也祈禱求醫治, 因為在祂沒有難成的事。我祈求靠住一天按一天的以感恩和喜樂而活。我想我應當沒甚麼事要完成了, 若有, 求主向我顯明! 雖然我能做的事很少,但我依然可以禱告! 所以我要全身心投入更多的祈禱, 就是為你們代禱。如果您有任何祈禱事項,給我發電子郵件(moknyap@gmail.com) 或whatsapp 我。這將是我在地上等候主期間一個最有意義的工作了!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

August 26, 2015

After two weeks, I have gained better perspective of my illness. First, I continue to get myself ready to meet my Lord. Second, I continue to hope in God for His healing mercies. Third, I am learning to live day by day. Finally, I ask God if there is anything God wants me to do on earth. I have begun this new target drug for two weeks now. The side effects are manageable so far. I had some rash. Pray that the doctor will find out if it is effective or not soon enough. Do not worry about our financial needs – we will use our savings first. It is not like this drug can be effective for many years. So, we are taking one step at a time. The pain has increased. So whether it is this drug or another chemotherapy drug, the goal now is to contain the cancer as much as possible to reduce the pain and harm to the body, until one day nothing is effective or the body wears out. I earnestly pray that the Lord will give me strength in this process – I do not want to become bitter or angry in the midst of pain, or to feel far from His Love. I started going through my things – reading my devotional journal during teenage years (I was so very disciplined in writing them!), going through graduation pictures, listening to old tapes, remembering the first time I was interpreter for worship, etc… Of course, the wonderful time I have spent with you. Thank God for this Blessed Life! 經過兩週後,我對自己的病情有了較清晰的理解和接受。 首先,求主幫助我準備好迎見祂的面。二,我繼續仰望上帝醫治的恩典。三,我學習每一天生活一天。最後就是: 神還有甚麽要我做的嗎? 這個新的標靶藥物我已經開始兩個星期了。其副作用還可以, 目前只有些出疹。我的禱告是醫生能盡快知道它是否有效。抱歉讓大家擔心我們的藥費- 我們將先使用儲蓄, 一步一步行。這種藥物也不是可以有效多年的, 但現時可以試試。 我的疼痛有所增加! 因此無論是這種標靶藥物或其他化療藥,現在的目標是要壓低癌細胞,盡可能減輕疼痛和對身體其他的器官的危害,直到有一天沒有什麼是有效或身體耗盡。我懇切地祈求上帝會給我力量經歷這個過程 - 我不想因痛苦變得苦毒, 埋怨或憤怒,或感到遠離神的愛。請為我禱告! 我繼續收拾我的東西 – 翻看我在青少年時期的靈修日記(我以前是多麼有紀律的寫下每天的學習!),畢業照片,看到第一次在崇拜做翻譯的秩序表,結婚照等等。當然還有跟你們分享的許多經歷! 我一一為此感謝上帝的祝福!

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

2015 August 11 entry

Dear Friends, I have not sent an update through email for a while. Well, after my recurrence in 2013 I had a 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen, which finished in May 2015. I celebrated briefly and went to Shanghai with Victor for a few days. I felt energized and prayed for a job in Hong Kong as I finally resigned from University of Macau. It was a really hard goodbye. The past it is also a slow process of loss, of letting go, of accepting my lot and ultimately to submit to God's sovereign good will. I have become less focused on my thoughts and feelings and rarely write down my reflections, which is why I had not sent an email update for a while. After the 1-year no pay leave of absence from University of Macau, I want to find a job in Hong Kong so that I can engage in something more meaningful. Unfortunately most doors were closed. I have the feeling that God is showing me to say goodbye to my career. On the other hand, there are always physical ailments here and there to remind me that I cannot simply move on. While on the numbers (cancer markers) appear decent, I started having some pain which became more intense in July. Finally I had a PET/CT early August and sure enough there were metastases here and there, and mostly in the lungs. By now I am quite prepared for the results although it was still hard. Just got feedback from the doctor recommending a new target therapy. I have read about it from journal articles almost a year ago. In fact I was about the request that treatment because I am not sure if it is offered in Hong Kong. So I am all ready to accept that except the price tag scares me to death!! Close to HKD$20,000 a month (US$2500. It is like burning money. I hope to find out whether it is effective at all soon. If not I would not go back to traditional chemotherapy. I would seek palliative care for the final stage. I still want life. But I am praying more for the ability to endure pain during this final stage. I want to transition to the new life and new body feeling hopeful. I am embracing God and that death is only the passage. I pray to be in good spirits (godly spirit) and not doubt His love for me. I have lived a life well loved by others. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my being for all of you. You have blessed my life. I probably would not send updates anymore but may write an entry for those interested to find out what is going on at http://www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com I