In the middle of last night, I was feverish. I had a sense of doom, that I would not be healed after all. I woke up early to get ready because I did not want to be hospitalized in Macau. Victor and I managed to take the 6 a.m. ferry. I was briefly detained when crossing immigration on the Hong Kong side to have my temperature taken and recorded. We managed to get to Princess Margaret Hospital by about 8 o’ clock and waited for the oncology clinic to open. They measured my temperature a few times – I think to try to “make” it lower. Results of the blood test (white blood count), according to the doctor’s interpretation, was not totally off the chart given my condition and the growth factor injection (to stimulate white blood count); whereas on Saturday a doctor in Macau seemed eager to get me hospitalized.
I observed that when my temperature reached a certain point, not only do I become irritable, my thoughts about God also become negative – such as He is punishing me for something unknown, that this is a premonition of me having only a few years of life left, etc. When the temperature got closer to normal, I would become cheerful again with some silly jokes and future becomes bright again. This fluctuation is quite obvious and there are both times of spiritual insights as well as crying out irrational fears and sadness to the Lord. It feels odd but there really is this rapid shift throughout the day and night.
This afternoon the Lord reminded me of my own prayer: that in this treatment process, the cancer cells would be destroyed but that vital organs would be protected and the good systems would become resilient. Therefore fighting an infection may be a necessary process for the good system to become resilient. [Of course, the doctor’s “normalizing” my fever helped.] So I must trust in the Lord.
The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.
Last but not least, I just checked the temperature – close to normal as I prepare to enter this blog. But I dropped the thermometer and broke it, resulting in a brief hysteria. Victor had to clean up the mess as well as the hysteria.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
August 29 Not Much Change
Still need your prayer desperately.
Today was kind of demoralizing. The fever is making me very irritable and hyper-sensitive. These days are actually the worst throughout the whole treatment process. I think I had the hardest time during the 3rd and 6th cycle, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of the specific drug. Perhaps it is my eagerness to transition back to "normal" life. Perhaps many things. For now, I need to hold onto the Lord in a simple fashion and to trust in His healing power.
I still have the mild fever and I was close to going back to the hospital. However I really do not want to be hosptalized. I feel better in the evening with the temperature seemly going down a bit. So I will see what happens next morning.
Please pray for Victor too. He hasn't seen me in such bad condition and it is difficult to care for a sick and irritable wife.
Today was kind of demoralizing. The fever is making me very irritable and hyper-sensitive. These days are actually the worst throughout the whole treatment process. I think I had the hardest time during the 3rd and 6th cycle, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of the specific drug. Perhaps it is my eagerness to transition back to "normal" life. Perhaps many things. For now, I need to hold onto the Lord in a simple fashion and to trust in His healing power.
I still have the mild fever and I was close to going back to the hospital. However I really do not want to be hosptalized. I feel better in the evening with the temperature seemly going down a bit. So I will see what happens next morning.
Please pray for Victor too. He hasn't seen me in such bad condition and it is difficult to care for a sick and irritable wife.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
August 28 Still Have Fever
Today I still have this fever. So I went to see the doctor at Kiang Wu Hospital in Macau. The doctor drew blood and checked my blood count and indeed there are signs of infection. However since I don't have any symptoms other than the fever, we do not really know what the source of infection is. So she prescribed antibiotics and said I would need to go back if I continue to have fever by tomorrow night.
Whatever the infection may be, hopefully the antibiotics would work. This visit was good because I may need to work with the doctors at Kiang Wu more in the future.
Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, may the Lord brings healing and may He again reveal His presence to all of us.
Whatever the infection may be, hopefully the antibiotics would work. This visit was good because I may need to work with the doctors at Kiang Wu more in the future.
Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, may the Lord brings healing and may He again reveal His presence to all of us.
Friday, August 27, 2010
August 27 Need Prayer
Wednesday’s travel was okay. My sister and I managed to pack things in the office. Then I found out that the office move on Thursday morning was cancelled. How frustrating. I got angrier when I found that it was now re-scheduled to Sept 1.
Yesterday I started not feeling well. Perhaps I was too stressed out on Wed. Perhaps it was adjusting to the air, water and everything all at once. Today I have a mild fever. It was bordering on serious. The dilemma was whether to go back to Hong Kong to see the doctor and risk getting worst or to stay here and risk having an infection that may be serious. I decided to stay for now. The temperature and the body ailments drove me into a foul mood and I had chewed a few people’s head off (my sisters and my husband).
So I really need your prayer. It is difficult for me to pray in this physical condition. Please remember my temperature particularly and endurance of all the side effects in this cycle. I was look forward to having more opportunities to share my faith with others in Macau. However in my physical weakness and angry mood, I am discouraged and lose confidence that I can do anything at all. Your prayers will make a difference!
Yesterday I started not feeling well. Perhaps I was too stressed out on Wed. Perhaps it was adjusting to the air, water and everything all at once. Today I have a mild fever. It was bordering on serious. The dilemma was whether to go back to Hong Kong to see the doctor and risk getting worst or to stay here and risk having an infection that may be serious. I decided to stay for now. The temperature and the body ailments drove me into a foul mood and I had chewed a few people’s head off (my sisters and my husband).
So I really need your prayer. It is difficult for me to pray in this physical condition. Please remember my temperature particularly and endurance of all the side effects in this cycle. I was look forward to having more opportunities to share my faith with others in Macau. However in my physical weakness and angry mood, I am discouraged and lose confidence that I can do anything at all. Your prayers will make a difference!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
August 24 Travel Back to Macau
On Monday I found out our office move had been scheduled on Thurs. morning. So I have to go back to Macau by Wed. to get ready. Needless to say I felt stressed because my immune system is still vulnerable at this point of the chemotherapy cycle.
The side effects seem unbearable this cycle – I felt so frustrated with the tiredness and fever-like symptoms. It also became hard to push myself to eat meat for the protein. This is probably due to my eagerness to move on and be back to “normal” life. So I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard. At the same time reality sinks in with all the new expectations. Yesterday night I was about to moan about going back to teaching without eyebrows and eyelashes. Just when I was complaining, the news on TV regarding the Philippines hostages turned to a crisis moment. The Lord always has His special way to put me into proper perspective of things so that I do not engage (too much) in self-pity.
Fortunately my sister would go with me for the first few days. Then Victor will come on the weekend. Please pray that we can get things organized quickly – get the office move ready, get the home cleaned and figure out how I can manage to eat nutritious food. I am just going to trust God one thing at a time.
Today I had some time to just pray – surrendering to the Lord my body, mind and soul, trusting that He would lead me to walk in the center of His will, to please Him in all my being and doing. I pray that it is not an abstract ideal, but can be practiced in the nitty gritty of daily life.
Thank you for all your prayers and support!
The side effects seem unbearable this cycle – I felt so frustrated with the tiredness and fever-like symptoms. It also became hard to push myself to eat meat for the protein. This is probably due to my eagerness to move on and be back to “normal” life. So I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard. At the same time reality sinks in with all the new expectations. Yesterday night I was about to moan about going back to teaching without eyebrows and eyelashes. Just when I was complaining, the news on TV regarding the Philippines hostages turned to a crisis moment. The Lord always has His special way to put me into proper perspective of things so that I do not engage (too much) in self-pity.
Fortunately my sister would go with me for the first few days. Then Victor will come on the weekend. Please pray that we can get things organized quickly – get the office move ready, get the home cleaned and figure out how I can manage to eat nutritious food. I am just going to trust God one thing at a time.
Today I had some time to just pray – surrendering to the Lord my body, mind and soul, trusting that He would lead me to walk in the center of His will, to please Him in all my being and doing. I pray that it is not an abstract ideal, but can be practiced in the nitty gritty of daily life.
Thank you for all your prayers and support!
Friday, August 20, 2010
August 20 Moving on to the Next Stage
I had my last chemotherapy shot on Tuesday. It was a challenge to poke into the veins! I am so glad that it was the last shot. Praise God who carried me to this point.
There was a rather skinny patient whose wife was trying to talk him into taking nutrient supplement drinks. I tried to encourage him to do so since I have gained weight all this time. The wife was certainly glad that someone can help with the persuasion. We shared our “bitter taste” experience and he was surprisingly engaging in the conversation. So I hope I can use my experience to help others too.
On Wednesday I went to get measures done to prepare for radio-therapy, which is likely to start in early September. I was somewhat apprehensive because someone had written about their negative experience – having insensitive technicians making marks on their half naked body in the cold. Thankfully, the medical team was very efficient and everything was done quickly. I was expecting to spend the whole day there but managed to leave at 12 noon. I was so happy and relieved and went dim sum for lunch with my sister.
After this last chemotherapy cycle I would begin my 5 years of hormonal therapy. For someone who does not like to take medication, it is difficult to think of a 5 year regimen. I would be taking Tamoxifen, a type of selective estrogen receptor modulators. The side effects are not very exciting – bone pain, potential blood clots and stroke, uterine cancer, menopause-like symptoms. I also dread depression and lethargy…Well perhaps it is not so bad. So will wait and see. Need to trust the Lord.
For now, please pray for protection from fever and infection. Today is Day 4 and white blood count is supposed to be close to zero. Pray for preparation for new school year. Usually folks are firing emails back and forth to get ready. May the Lord help me to stay calm and complete essential tasks efficiently!
There was a rather skinny patient whose wife was trying to talk him into taking nutrient supplement drinks. I tried to encourage him to do so since I have gained weight all this time. The wife was certainly glad that someone can help with the persuasion. We shared our “bitter taste” experience and he was surprisingly engaging in the conversation. So I hope I can use my experience to help others too.
On Wednesday I went to get measures done to prepare for radio-therapy, which is likely to start in early September. I was somewhat apprehensive because someone had written about their negative experience – having insensitive technicians making marks on their half naked body in the cold. Thankfully, the medical team was very efficient and everything was done quickly. I was expecting to spend the whole day there but managed to leave at 12 noon. I was so happy and relieved and went dim sum for lunch with my sister.
After this last chemotherapy cycle I would begin my 5 years of hormonal therapy. For someone who does not like to take medication, it is difficult to think of a 5 year regimen. I would be taking Tamoxifen, a type of selective estrogen receptor modulators. The side effects are not very exciting – bone pain, potential blood clots and stroke, uterine cancer, menopause-like symptoms. I also dread depression and lethargy…Well perhaps it is not so bad. So will wait and see. Need to trust the Lord.
For now, please pray for protection from fever and infection. Today is Day 4 and white blood count is supposed to be close to zero. Pray for preparation for new school year. Usually folks are firing emails back and forth to get ready. May the Lord help me to stay calm and complete essential tasks efficiently!
Monday, August 16, 2010
August 16 Thanksgiving for My Prayer Partners
Victor took the day off from work to keep me company for the medical check at the hospital. Today is his birthday, the big one – 50th! I would have want a big party for him but it would not be possible this year. His colleagues had a small celebration with him on Friday; yesterday we had dinner with his long-time friend from Los Angeles. (So I did sneak out again!) We have not been in Hong Kong long enough to develop intimate friendships here. Folks in Hong Kong are usually too busy and hanging-out is not the cultural norm. Victor in particular misses friends of 20-some years who have shared major milestones with him.
Today at the hospital I noticed someone wearing a nice hat. I could not resist and went over to ask her where she bought it. As we chatted, I found out she had started her chemotherapy much earlier but each time her shot had been delayed until her liver functioning improved. Usually I do not feel like talking with others because conversations can get me more anxious – worrying about the pesticide on fruits, etc.
Today I chatted with some ladies diagnosed with breast cancer; I learned that delays were quite common. I realized how “daring” I had been to assume that my 6 cycles could go smoothly and that I would be ready for school in the fall semester. I recalled I vaguely trust God that all this would work out. Before I left the hospital, the lady in the nice hat told me sadly that her shot would be postponed again. The Lord reminds me how He has carried me through each round and protected me from infections and complications. His grace and mercies are not to be taken for granted. I am also blessed to have so many of you praying for me.
Yesterday in my bible study on healing, I came across
James 5:13-16:
13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I wondered why in sickness the advice is specifically to call the elders of the church to pray. In addition, “the prayer offered in faith” is singular. I tried to study on this but have not found a satisfactory answer yet. The one important thing I noted is that prayer from our faith community is essential. It takes a lot to build up the kind of community that practices mutual confession. But the prayer of a community of righteous believers would be so powerful. Your prayers have been critical in my healing journey! I thank God for all of you!
The cancer journey has allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way. [In particular I have reconnected with a number of long lost friends from college. At first I thought writing a journal is therapeutic for me. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on the blog allows me to share with others beyond time and space. At first I was worried about this blogging thing being a bit “narcissistic.” However I found that comments and emails exchanges from friends have helped us share and fellowship more intimately. Your thoughts and prayers indeed are part of God’s healing.
Tomorrow I will have my last shot - pray that the veins are ready to take in the drug and my body to endure this one more time!
Today at the hospital I noticed someone wearing a nice hat. I could not resist and went over to ask her where she bought it. As we chatted, I found out she had started her chemotherapy much earlier but each time her shot had been delayed until her liver functioning improved. Usually I do not feel like talking with others because conversations can get me more anxious – worrying about the pesticide on fruits, etc.
Today I chatted with some ladies diagnosed with breast cancer; I learned that delays were quite common. I realized how “daring” I had been to assume that my 6 cycles could go smoothly and that I would be ready for school in the fall semester. I recalled I vaguely trust God that all this would work out. Before I left the hospital, the lady in the nice hat told me sadly that her shot would be postponed again. The Lord reminds me how He has carried me through each round and protected me from infections and complications. His grace and mercies are not to be taken for granted. I am also blessed to have so many of you praying for me.
Yesterday in my bible study on healing, I came across
James 5:13-16:
13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I wondered why in sickness the advice is specifically to call the elders of the church to pray. In addition, “the prayer offered in faith” is singular. I tried to study on this but have not found a satisfactory answer yet. The one important thing I noted is that prayer from our faith community is essential. It takes a lot to build up the kind of community that practices mutual confession. But the prayer of a community of righteous believers would be so powerful. Your prayers have been critical in my healing journey! I thank God for all of you!
The cancer journey has allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way. [In particular I have reconnected with a number of long lost friends from college. At first I thought writing a journal is therapeutic for me. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on the blog allows me to share with others beyond time and space. At first I was worried about this blogging thing being a bit “narcissistic.” However I found that comments and emails exchanges from friends have helped us share and fellowship more intimately. Your thoughts and prayers indeed are part of God’s healing.
Tomorrow I will have my last shot - pray that the veins are ready to take in the drug and my body to endure this one more time!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
August 14 Word of Encouragement
This morning I was whiny. I told Victor I needed a word of encouragement. My husband has been attentive these days (so I am taking every advantage before he returns to his “normal” mode); he tried to come up with something good to say. But I told him I needed a word of encouragement from the Lord.
Sure enough when I studied the Bible, I found the word of encouragement. These days I have continued my study on healing in the New Testament, focusing on passages with the word heal [Greek words “therapeuo,” “iaomai ,”“sozo,” “diasozo” plus associated nouns)]. Today I came across the word “heal” [Greek word iaomai] in Hebrews 12:13. So I started studying Hebrews Ch 12.
You are probably familiar with Hebrews 12, following Hebrews 11 about the crowd of witnesses:
v.1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
v. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
v. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
v. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
v. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement [the NIV translation is my exact request! Can also be translated as exhortation, comfort, and consolation] that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
v. 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
This word of encouragement is originally from Proverbs 3:11-12. The Lord reminds me that my fighting cancer is not yet a warfare involving the shedding of blood. Rather I should embrace it as the loving discipline of our Father. In modern days the word discipline is sometimes not received favorably. The Greek word used here is paideuo (pahee-dyoo'-o); meaning to train up a child. [Pediatrics, pedagogue – also derived from paidion, meaning child]. There are 8 words in this passage related to paidion. The meaning is simply the training and instruction of a child.
v. 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Some days it is difficult to see any meaning in having cancer. The process is unpleasant. There is the uncertainty of recurrence. But the Lord can discipline and train us in all circumstances for our good. The promise is that we can share His holiness and it can also produce “peaceful fruit” that yields righteousness. I still have to understand what it means to me personally but I hold onto this promise.
v. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet” was from Proverbs 4:26 [Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.] Here the exhortation is that we need to carefully choose the path. This latter half of Hebrews 12:12 is really difficult to understand so I have to check out other translations and commentaries. I think NASB’s translation is the best “so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Our task then is to carefully choose our paths, by so doing we are make straight paths for those who are weak to walk, that they may not be injured but rather be healed.
This is a challenging responsibility. I pray therefore that the Lord will strengthen me to continue on in His discipline and training. People who had walked through the path before me have helped me. Perhaps I also can go through this path and make it “level” for those who are coming along, that we may help one another not to stumble but rather be healed.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers - no fever for me today. I think this is part of the Lord's strengthening my faith. My sister's illness is bad - 102 degrees at one point and still fever today.
Sure enough when I studied the Bible, I found the word of encouragement. These days I have continued my study on healing in the New Testament, focusing on passages with the word heal [Greek words “therapeuo,” “iaomai ,”“sozo,” “diasozo” plus associated nouns)]. Today I came across the word “heal” [Greek word iaomai] in Hebrews 12:13. So I started studying Hebrews Ch 12.
You are probably familiar with Hebrews 12, following Hebrews 11 about the crowd of witnesses:
v.1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
v. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
v. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
v. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
v. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement [the NIV translation is my exact request! Can also be translated as exhortation, comfort, and consolation] that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
v. 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
This word of encouragement is originally from Proverbs 3:11-12. The Lord reminds me that my fighting cancer is not yet a warfare involving the shedding of blood. Rather I should embrace it as the loving discipline of our Father. In modern days the word discipline is sometimes not received favorably. The Greek word used here is paideuo (pahee-dyoo'-o); meaning to train up a child. [Pediatrics, pedagogue – also derived from paidion, meaning child]. There are 8 words in this passage related to paidion. The meaning is simply the training and instruction of a child.
v. 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Some days it is difficult to see any meaning in having cancer. The process is unpleasant. There is the uncertainty of recurrence. But the Lord can discipline and train us in all circumstances for our good. The promise is that we can share His holiness and it can also produce “peaceful fruit” that yields righteousness. I still have to understand what it means to me personally but I hold onto this promise.
v. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet” was from Proverbs 4:26 [Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.] Here the exhortation is that we need to carefully choose the path. This latter half of Hebrews 12:12 is really difficult to understand so I have to check out other translations and commentaries. I think NASB’s translation is the best “so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Our task then is to carefully choose our paths, by so doing we are make straight paths for those who are weak to walk, that they may not be injured but rather be healed.
This is a challenging responsibility. I pray therefore that the Lord will strengthen me to continue on in His discipline and training. People who had walked through the path before me have helped me. Perhaps I also can go through this path and make it “level” for those who are coming along, that we may help one another not to stumble but rather be healed.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers - no fever for me today. I think this is part of the Lord's strengthening my faith. My sister's illness is bad - 102 degrees at one point and still fever today.
Friday, August 13, 2010
August 13 Prayer Request
My sister who visited me on Monday to help out got sick (sore throat, fever and everything!)We went dim sum together that morning. So I am freaking out a little bit and feeling guilty for the pleasure I had sneaked out to enjoy all this week. Pray for speedy recovery for my sister as well as protection from illness / infection for me.
The last shot would be next Tuesday and I cannot afford any delay. New semester events are scheduled and I need to be there!! So pray that all that numbers will go okay on Monday’s check up. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo injection will go smoothly. My veins are pretty hardened by now and I am praying the whole body would be able to endure it one more time. Once again I ask that the cancer cells will be destroyed while my organs and the good systems would be resilient. On Wednesday I would need to go back to the hospital – they are going to take measures to prepare for the upcoming radiotherapy.
I tried to enjoy this week as much as possible because the new semester will start on the last week of August. I sneaked out quite a few times. I also tried to stretch myself a bit more to get myself ready for return to Macau . I tried to cook more but I burned the soup the other day. Today I carried my backpack with laptop to the pier to give Victor the lunch box he forgot. I try to test out if I am ready to walk up the hill to my office in the heat in Macau. I am still easily tired. So I need to take good care of the body.
Well, vaguely I know that everything will work out. The Lord is faithful to carry me through to the end. I will continue to trust in the Lord one step at a time, one task at a time and one day at a time.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!
The last shot would be next Tuesday and I cannot afford any delay. New semester events are scheduled and I need to be there!! So pray that all that numbers will go okay on Monday’s check up. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo injection will go smoothly. My veins are pretty hardened by now and I am praying the whole body would be able to endure it one more time. Once again I ask that the cancer cells will be destroyed while my organs and the good systems would be resilient. On Wednesday I would need to go back to the hospital – they are going to take measures to prepare for the upcoming radiotherapy.
I tried to enjoy this week as much as possible because the new semester will start on the last week of August. I sneaked out quite a few times. I also tried to stretch myself a bit more to get myself ready for return to Macau . I tried to cook more but I burned the soup the other day. Today I carried my backpack with laptop to the pier to give Victor the lunch box he forgot. I try to test out if I am ready to walk up the hill to my office in the heat in Macau. I am still easily tired. So I need to take good care of the body.
Well, vaguely I know that everything will work out. The Lord is faithful to carry me through to the end. I will continue to trust in the Lord one step at a time, one task at a time and one day at a time.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 9 False Fire Alarm
On Saturday morning at 1 a.m., there was a fire alarm in our building. I was quick to wake up, put my pants, hat and jacket on. These days my hat is very important because I really can feel the chill whenever my bald head is exposed to any kind of breeze, quickly leading to lightheadedness! I would even wake up at night when my scarf slides off – cannot believe how much our head needs protection.
While Victor was trying to figure out with the neighbors what was going on with the fire alarm, I was busy getting packed. So I had two big bags of documents/IDs and my backpack with the laptop computer ready when Victor returned home confirming that it was a false alarm. He was quite amused by my look as well as my readiness for a serious fire escape. He told me that most people were just carrying a small bag. Plus I could not have carried all that stuff. I agreed with him but all the documents seemed important. Letting go is difficult.
Well! While I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. (When it is God’s assignment, it is significant. I cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling.) I wrote about this just a few days ago. Everything is important. However I would need to make sure it is a load I can carry. I may need to let go of some.
So far this round of chemotherapy has been okay. Getting used to the side effects helps. I have indulged myself with tasty food (with MSG) and lots of sweets (non-nutritious) for a few days to counter the bitter taste in my mouth. Well it was bad for my body. So the lesson learned is that eating bad food for the taste is a bad idea. These days I am looking forward to finishing the last chemotherapy shot. Generally I am upbeat, trying to enjoy each day and each event as much as possible.
Thank you for being there.
While Victor was trying to figure out with the neighbors what was going on with the fire alarm, I was busy getting packed. So I had two big bags of documents/IDs and my backpack with the laptop computer ready when Victor returned home confirming that it was a false alarm. He was quite amused by my look as well as my readiness for a serious fire escape. He told me that most people were just carrying a small bag. Plus I could not have carried all that stuff. I agreed with him but all the documents seemed important. Letting go is difficult.
Well! While I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. (When it is God’s assignment, it is significant. I cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling.) I wrote about this just a few days ago. Everything is important. However I would need to make sure it is a load I can carry. I may need to let go of some.
So far this round of chemotherapy has been okay. Getting used to the side effects helps. I have indulged myself with tasty food (with MSG) and lots of sweets (non-nutritious) for a few days to counter the bitter taste in my mouth. Well it was bad for my body. So the lesson learned is that eating bad food for the taste is a bad idea. These days I am looking forward to finishing the last chemotherapy shot. Generally I am upbeat, trying to enjoy each day and each event as much as possible.
Thank you for being there.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
August 1 Our Wedding Anniversary
Yesterday we shared our 11th wedding anniversary. We have lots of happy wedding anniversaries celebrating with family and friends in the past; this is the first one we share “in sickness and in health.” Overall it was a tiring day because the chemo drug side effects are worst on 4th and 5th day. Nevertheless the Lord gave us sufficient grace to be joyful. We went out for dinner at the Ma Wan beach and even brought our wedding wine glasses along to take some pictures. Afterwards I felt totally worn out and crashed on the bed. Victor downloaded the pictures on the computer and was shocked by the images – we had aged significantly! So it was not such a "great" day for both of us.
When I first discovered I had breast cancer, I was initially quite worried for Victor. He had a difficult childhood without parental love and presence. I thought the threat of loss would trigger denial, withdrawal and detachment. [You can see this is a psychologist’s thinking!] As we faced the illness together, I was quite amazed to find that perhaps his wounds may have been healed; he may cope much better than I imagine.
In the early days of our marriage, the Lord has reminded me a few times that my task was to be his helper. Since then I have tried my best to be faithful in loving him, carefully protecting his vulnerabilities that stem from growing up in a broken home. As a pastor’s wife, I also felt a stronger obligation to manage a lot of things to meet this “good helper” standard. In early January this year, we were teaching a Sunday school class “Couples in the Bible” together. When preparing for lessons and reflecting on our marriage, I recalled feeling that I could not do any better as a helper and that our marriage was “as good as it can be”. I noted, and was therefore thankful that when the Lord instructed me to be a faithful helper, He has used the process to shape me – slowly I have become more loving and less self-focused (narcissistic). The love and stability in our relationship supports Victor (and me) to develop his (our) potential and become the best he (we) can be. When cancer hit home in late March, I was pleasntly "surprised" to find that our marriage can always be better, since growth in the Lord's love is without limits. As we explore sickness, aging and death together, I discovered Victor’s strength. I can depend on him to care for me. Plus he is my helper too and he has showed willingness to take over a lot of things that used to be my responsiibliites. In my weakness, it brings out the best in him as well.
In our daily lives, our marriage is much like by our wedding anniversary - it is not that romantic! Yet we are thankful to the Lord – our marriage has been good. The blessing of marriage is really not simply “being happily married.” God puts us together so that we may love one another and in the process we bring out the best in each other in all circumstances. I pray that the love of God is in the innermost of your marriage and by loving each other, you become the best you can be!
When I first discovered I had breast cancer, I was initially quite worried for Victor. He had a difficult childhood without parental love and presence. I thought the threat of loss would trigger denial, withdrawal and detachment. [You can see this is a psychologist’s thinking!] As we faced the illness together, I was quite amazed to find that perhaps his wounds may have been healed; he may cope much better than I imagine.
In the early days of our marriage, the Lord has reminded me a few times that my task was to be his helper. Since then I have tried my best to be faithful in loving him, carefully protecting his vulnerabilities that stem from growing up in a broken home. As a pastor’s wife, I also felt a stronger obligation to manage a lot of things to meet this “good helper” standard. In early January this year, we were teaching a Sunday school class “Couples in the Bible” together. When preparing for lessons and reflecting on our marriage, I recalled feeling that I could not do any better as a helper and that our marriage was “as good as it can be”. I noted, and was therefore thankful that when the Lord instructed me to be a faithful helper, He has used the process to shape me – slowly I have become more loving and less self-focused (narcissistic). The love and stability in our relationship supports Victor (and me) to develop his (our) potential and become the best he (we) can be. When cancer hit home in late March, I was pleasntly "surprised" to find that our marriage can always be better, since growth in the Lord's love is without limits. As we explore sickness, aging and death together, I discovered Victor’s strength. I can depend on him to care for me. Plus he is my helper too and he has showed willingness to take over a lot of things that used to be my responsiibliites. In my weakness, it brings out the best in him as well.
In our daily lives, our marriage is much like by our wedding anniversary - it is not that romantic! Yet we are thankful to the Lord – our marriage has been good. The blessing of marriage is really not simply “being happily married.” God puts us together so that we may love one another and in the process we bring out the best in each other in all circumstances. I pray that the love of God is in the innermost of your marriage and by loving each other, you become the best you can be!
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