Saturday, January 23, 2016

Jan 23, Unexpected Hospitalization

I was hospitalized unexpectedly to remove pleural fluid. The procedure became complicated when my lung collapsed without returning to its original position. On top of that, there is a "bubble" in the lung and needs to be removed. I waited and waited. Then.....Today was quite a day! I had good news in the morning that the lung has some expansion! Then the afternoon crashed into a turmoil in our hospital room. The newly admitted old lady who seemed quite alert and energetic started to choke in the afternoon. The nurse quickly gave her oxygen and did everything needed. The family was immediately contacted. To my surprise that was already a call to say goodbye. They were waiting for the son to return from Shenzhen. The family members cried, saying goodbye, pleading for the lady to hold on and wait for the son to return. It became emotional for the 5 of us bedridden going nowhere but to stay in bed going through this emotional storm. For me I had to watch her fade away with decreasing heartbeat unless I closed my eyes or turned away. (I was so slow in responding with prayer.) This became unbearable for the lady whose bed was closest to the old lady. She had just managed to calm down yesterday and this trggered her again; she started tearing the tubes off her and spewing angry words towards her husband. It was very tense! Now everything has calmed down. It is all quiet and you can hear only the cleaning lady. Mostly I felt helpless and guilty that life goes on everyday like this everywhere and it seems like we can do little to make life better despite being a believer. I have a lot of love and care from family and brothers and sisters in the Lord although I am undeserving. This makes me feel guilty. Well at the end of the day, what can I say? I guess I hold onto the fact that God loves me. It is not about doing (what I do) or being (who I am) - [I am certainly not a great person.] It is about who He is. God is love. Although I cannot quite make meaning of what I experience today, tonight I rest on Psalm 131 --- My heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty, neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me. Lord, let me simply rest in your loving arms like a weaned child.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Jan 14, 2016

I had my 53rd birthday last Wednesday! I had initially planned to spend the day on the Peak with my husband and then with my family to fully enjoy the day. Then I decided I should spend the time to (semi-fast and) pray for my health and guidance on treatment. I wanted to plead for additional years of life to do a project. This summer I had proposed a program to a seminary. I felt that I had finally reached that point in my life to be seasoned enough as a clinician/teacher/trainer and mature enough as a Christian to conduct such programs. Unfortunately I discovered my cancer metastasized before I had the opportunity to even discuss the program with the administrator. I had wanted to run a program to serve the Lord. The Lord had chosen a different path for me. On my birthday it turned out I was I was drowsy all day and unable to focus on prayer. Finally I woke up from the afternoon nap and felt remorseful that I had wasted the day failing to pray and accomplishing nothing. In a split of a second, I suddenly became thankful for the small blessings I had throughout the day. I understood that by my own effort I cannot add an hour to my life – I must bow to the Lord’s sovereign good will. I felt a great relief. On the other hand, I have no clue and control over what will happen and do not know how to manage it. We can only walk by faith and this is a path we know very little. Please pray for (1)treatment plan, (2) Victor and I's faith journey, (3) God's healing. 上星期我過了53嵗生日! 本打算那天到太平山和Victor 和家人好好享受美好的一天。 後來卻決定應該半禁食禱告,求神指引我治病的方向。我心中想求神加添我在世的日子,有健康能服侍祂! 因我心還是念念不忘想在神學院作一個生命成長課程,因爲我覺得自己終於有足夠的教學和督導經驗及靈命的成熟去辦這類的培訓課程來事奉神。 但我還未有機會和神學院詳細討論便已經發現自己的癌病復發和擴散了,我心中分失望,我渴望籍工作來事奉神, 祂卻為我預備一條不同的路。 生日那天我整天懨懨欲睡, 沒法專心禱告, 直到午睡後醒來心裏悔恨自己未能好好禱告, 但聖靈卻感動, 讓我深深感受到神在當天許多小事上的祝福, 我明白到我不能凴努力禱告去加添我在世的年日, 我只能靠神的恩典按祂的旨意而活! 這一方面叫人鬆一口氣, 但也叫我感到前路茫茫, 只能求主幫助我和Victor用信心一步一步走. 請代禱: 1) 醫生治療的方案, 2) 我和Victor同心走信心之路, 3) 神的大能醫治.