Today I have my last session of radiotherapy! I came home and enjoyed a delightful shower! It is great after 5 weeks of having only partial showers. [Praise God my skin is still okay and I only need to be careful.]
One uncertainty that many cancer patients have to face is recurrence. I have pondered about this on and off during the course of treatment - Am I healed and would continue my "normal" life or would there be a recurrence of cancer somewhere down the road? Should I be prepared for a "shortened" life or should I look ahead to many more years on earth? The "control freak" in me wants to "know" to plan accordinly. Although I have wanted (and asked for) some signs or assurance from the Lord that I would have my "normal" life back, the Lord has not granted this wish. Instead I am reminded that God, the author of life, will write my life script. Therefore I could (or should) only surrender to His perfect plan. I will continue my life journey and fight the Good Fight as a Cheerful Helper until the time to meet Him arrives. [As Paul said in 2 Tim 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."]
THANK YOU and GOODBYE
I want to thank all of you for your support - your prayers, comments and words of encouragement have been a great blessing, carrying me through during this difficult time. Your prayer makes a difference!
Well, I am going to say GOODBYE here. [You can still share this blog with friends who may benefit from reading my experience during cancer.] If you are still interested to find out what is going on with me, I am moving onto a new blog at http://www.cheerfulhelper.blogspot.com.
I want to hear about how your life is going on as well. So do keep in touch!
Last Prayer Request
Please join me in praying for opportunities to have a ministry amongst students from mainland China in Macau. The Bible study group I tried to get going before breast cancer has "fallen apart," so I am praying for new directions.
With love,
Doris
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
October 7 Three Blessings in Illness
I have experienced God’s blessings more fully during my illness. Let me share with you my three highlights:
1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.
2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.
I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.
The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]
I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.
3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).
In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.
May we worship Him!
1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.
2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.
I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.
The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]
I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.
3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).
In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.
May we worship Him!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
October 6 Three Lessons Learned
I am counting down to 3 more radiotherapy sessions! My skin is alright and the doctor did not even prescribe anything for it. Now the sessions go quickly - I have learned to undress quickly and efficently place myself in the right (although still awkward) position. Now I focus on praying for only one thing and there is not really enough time to finish. Today I pray for my friend (same-age) on a short-term medical mission in Haiti. She is carrying 50 lbs of supplies and flying alone. May the Lord be with her; bless the team and use them to bring hope and healing to the people served.
As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.
First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.
Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.
Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.
May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!
As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.
First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.
Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.
Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.
May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
October 2 Three Signs of Recovery
There are some signs of recovery!
First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.
Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.
Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.
I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.
First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.
Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.
Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.
I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
September 23 Seeking His Path
Today I had my 13th session of radiotherapy, meaning I am more than half-way through and there are only twelve more to go! Now I pray more intensely during the treatment session and it goes fast because I barely make through 3 prayer items. It is amazing how focusing on the Lord can do.
Yesterday was a trying day. After the radiotherapy session, Victor and I went to Macau for my class. The ferry ride was so rocky we both broke into cold sweat. Victor got the bag ready for vomit. Fortunately we were spared. It was so bad I questioned again whether I can manage teaching in Macau. When we arrived, it was raining so hard I prayed for it to turn into a drizzle so that I could go back to campus. I ended up getting late for my appointment because I simply could not walk as fast as I used to. I had small group meetings with students yesterday. The small groups went well. I love what I do! I noted that when my mind is focused (on tasks or with people), I can be so absorbed I forget my hunger, physical pain and everything (e.g how hard the ferry ride was). The positive side is that I really enjoy what I do and I can be very productive in such condition. The negative side is I can be so focused on the mind and the activities that I totally neglect my bodily needs. I need to find out the activity level that is good and fitting for me.
Whever I pray for healing, I yearn for restoration of my health, particularly my energy level. I am waiting on the Lord to show me more about His will and His plan for me such that I can make changes accordingly. I realize what I long for most is not the revitalization of energy, but rather I want to be assured that I am walking in the center of His will - that is where I can find peace. Pray with me that I may know His path and follow with joy.
Yesterday was a trying day. After the radiotherapy session, Victor and I went to Macau for my class. The ferry ride was so rocky we both broke into cold sweat. Victor got the bag ready for vomit. Fortunately we were spared. It was so bad I questioned again whether I can manage teaching in Macau. When we arrived, it was raining so hard I prayed for it to turn into a drizzle so that I could go back to campus. I ended up getting late for my appointment because I simply could not walk as fast as I used to. I had small group meetings with students yesterday. The small groups went well. I love what I do! I noted that when my mind is focused (on tasks or with people), I can be so absorbed I forget my hunger, physical pain and everything (e.g how hard the ferry ride was). The positive side is that I really enjoy what I do and I can be very productive in such condition. The negative side is I can be so focused on the mind and the activities that I totally neglect my bodily needs. I need to find out the activity level that is good and fitting for me.
Whever I pray for healing, I yearn for restoration of my health, particularly my energy level. I am waiting on the Lord to show me more about His will and His plan for me such that I can make changes accordingly. I realize what I long for most is not the revitalization of energy, but rather I want to be assured that I am walking in the center of His will - that is where I can find peace. Pray with me that I may know His path and follow with joy.
Friday, September 17, 2010
September 17 Please Pray for Our Friends
The second week of radiotherapy is over! Today the machine broke down again so we had to wait patiently. My throat sores, not sure whether it is due to the side effects of radiotherapy or some kind of infection. So I am trying to be cautious as infection will delay the radiotherapy. Yet I am learning to trust in the Lord's timing - His sovereign will is higher than mine.
Some friends are concerned how I am doing. I actually am doing okay. Most people who visit or talk to me on the phone think I sound good. I still joke! I was very alive during my lecture on Wednesday. It is my "occupational tendency" (or 職業病) to feel like I should be attentive to others and contain my own feelings when I am face-to-face with people,. Writing the blog is a new venture, it allows me to express deeper feelings and be more open, sharing my struggles and vulnerabilities, which I usually am uncertain whether it is appropriate or not.
We have some sad news. Victor's friend passed away during a scuba diving accident, leaving his wife and two young kids behind. Please pray for the Lord's special presence with this family. This reminds us again we need to trust in God's sovereign will. My high school buddy is also diagnosed with breast cancer and she is going to have her operation next Tuesday. I pray that the Lord will strengthen her faith and that this may be an opportunity for her family members to come to know the Lord.
Some friends are concerned how I am doing. I actually am doing okay. Most people who visit or talk to me on the phone think I sound good. I still joke! I was very alive during my lecture on Wednesday. It is my "occupational tendency" (or 職業病) to feel like I should be attentive to others and contain my own feelings when I am face-to-face with people,. Writing the blog is a new venture, it allows me to express deeper feelings and be more open, sharing my struggles and vulnerabilities, which I usually am uncertain whether it is appropriate or not.
We have some sad news. Victor's friend passed away during a scuba diving accident, leaving his wife and two young kids behind. Please pray for the Lord's special presence with this family. This reminds us again we need to trust in God's sovereign will. My high school buddy is also diagnosed with breast cancer and she is going to have her operation next Tuesday. I pray that the Lord will strengthen her faith and that this may be an opportunity for her family members to come to know the Lord.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
September 14 Getting used to Radiotherapy
I am gradually recovering, trying to stay positive and humbly acknowledging my limitations. Victor noted that if I joke, I am okay. If I do not, that is not good. If I start to snap back in English, it is usually a bad omen (precursor to a fever!)
Last Sunday I was able to go to church after missing worship services for a few weeks due to the fever and body weaknesses. The sermon was on Psalm 27, one of my favorite Psalms. It was a special blessing! [V.13-14 “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” NIV]
I am getting used to the radiotherapy sessions now, learning to cooperate with the staff when they work on my half-naked body in its awkward position. The key is to be passive and let them move you. I am somewhat surprised but glad that I learn to “cooperate” quickly. When I lie there, my mind tends to drift here and there. Today I thought about individuals with developmental disabilities, a population particularly vulnerable to abuse. At one point in my life I have some “expertise” on sexual abuse issues related to this population. They are a high risk population because they have to be reliant on others to take care of their bodies and have often been taught to be compliant. Bodily boundaries are blurred and sometimes being too compliant may put them at risk. You may think that the assoication of radiotherapy to sexual abuse of individuals with developmental disabilities is remote. It is amazing how this patient role has allowed (forced?) me to experience things from very different perspectives. These days I think about people I had worked with (or served) in the past and sometimes gain new insights because of my patient role. I pray that I would have more understanding, empathy and compassion in the days to come.
As for the teaching, I am learning to pray more for wisdom so that I can offer my best to the students. Plus, I want to do it with more of my “heart.” I appreciate your prayers on this. Tomorrow I will be traveling back for my class.
Last Sunday I was able to go to church after missing worship services for a few weeks due to the fever and body weaknesses. The sermon was on Psalm 27, one of my favorite Psalms. It was a special blessing! [V.13-14 “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” NIV]
I am getting used to the radiotherapy sessions now, learning to cooperate with the staff when they work on my half-naked body in its awkward position. The key is to be passive and let them move you. I am somewhat surprised but glad that I learn to “cooperate” quickly. When I lie there, my mind tends to drift here and there. Today I thought about individuals with developmental disabilities, a population particularly vulnerable to abuse. At one point in my life I have some “expertise” on sexual abuse issues related to this population. They are a high risk population because they have to be reliant on others to take care of their bodies and have often been taught to be compliant. Bodily boundaries are blurred and sometimes being too compliant may put them at risk. You may think that the assoication of radiotherapy to sexual abuse of individuals with developmental disabilities is remote. It is amazing how this patient role has allowed (forced?) me to experience things from very different perspectives. These days I think about people I had worked with (or served) in the past and sometimes gain new insights because of my patient role. I pray that I would have more understanding, empathy and compassion in the days to come.
As for the teaching, I am learning to pray more for wisdom so that I can offer my best to the students. Plus, I want to do it with more of my “heart.” I appreciate your prayers on this. Tomorrow I will be traveling back for my class.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
September 9 Day of Rest
Yesterday the radiation machine had problems and everything was delayed. We got notified but it was still a long wait. One thing about being a patient is that you can only be patient. We were all watching this tragic soap opera on TV and there was really no escape from the drama in the waiting room.
Due to the machine problem, the treatment session was cancelled today. The bad news is it would prolong the treatment. The good news is I can take a break without having to run around too much. This allows me some time to rest and recuperate.
I am learning to be still during the radiotherapy session. It is easier now because the actual treatment session is short and my arms would not go numb. I guess in ordinary life it is hard for me to be still too. I tend to feel my existence through activities and my aliveness only in action. It takes some will power to stay still and not get agitated! Therefore it is difficult to imagine a life without movement and actions. Yet, “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)
I reviewed my study notes on healing. Here is one of my favorite verses:
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who (heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who (crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. (Psalm 103: 1-5) (NASB)
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words.
Due to the machine problem, the treatment session was cancelled today. The bad news is it would prolong the treatment. The good news is I can take a break without having to run around too much. This allows me some time to rest and recuperate.
I am learning to be still during the radiotherapy session. It is easier now because the actual treatment session is short and my arms would not go numb. I guess in ordinary life it is hard for me to be still too. I tend to feel my existence through activities and my aliveness only in action. It takes some will power to stay still and not get agitated! Therefore it is difficult to imagine a life without movement and actions. Yet, “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)
I reviewed my study notes on healing. Here is one of my favorite verses:
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who (heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who (crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. (Psalm 103: 1-5) (NASB)
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words.
Monday, September 6, 2010
September 6 First Day of Radiation therapy
A lot has happened since my last blog entry. My condition stabilized towards the end of the week. The benefit of the experience is that I am more aware of my body. My usual body temperature is 36.8 to 37.0. When it is 37.4, I would feel quite irritable. When it reaches 38.0, my thoughts become quite negative and my judgment is not good. Now I know to order myself to rest more readily. Another benefit was that I quickly seek help from colleagues to substitute for me for the weekend student retreat I was responsible for. I was able to go back to Macau on Saturday and Sunday and manage to attend two sessions. Victor and I returned on Sunday night; I rested and got ready for today’s radiation therapy.
I was thankful for the students’ support. I realized I do really love what I do. It is a privilege and I am grateful for ten good years in higher education the Lord has given me. There are tears too, which has helped me grow as a person and enriched my life. It dawned on me that there may be a day when I would not be up to par to give my students the best education experience I would like to, and that it is possible that I cannot hold my job. I may still be able to work, but a significant reduction of workload and not keeping a “career-type” job. I may not be able to advance anymore. I feel sad. I have always wanted to learn, to improve myself, to become better, to advance, to discover my potential, to reach the impossible dream… I have always prayed that I would become the woman God wants me to. For once, I believe that perhaps I have become the woman God wants me to be. However I may not become the woman I want to be. If it is the Lord who is writing the script, can I truly be contented with who I am?
Today I had my first radiation therapy.
I had to lie on my back, raised my hands up next to my head and stayed in the exact position without moving. It took the team quite a while to figure out the details and they have to call on the doctors to check things out. During this time my left arm had become so numb I almost felt “dissociated” from it. I began to feel panicky as this triggers some of my deeper fears: that I would lose control over my body while my mind is still active and alive. Lately I have thought a lot about my sister (who was in a vegetative state after a car accident) and my mother (who passed away having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, a progressive neurodegenerative disease). I was shocked by my own reaction - I was close to being in tears and I had to tell the staff I was about to panic (and move). On one hand, I am working on trustful surrender to the Lord’s sovereignty over my body under all circumstances and that His love would be there to carry me through. On the other hand, I am also working on faith in His healing power, that it is possible for me to regain health and live a vibrant life. It seems that true faith requires me to have both. The fluctuation in bodily temperature, the side effects from chemotherapy and this numbness had stirred up all this. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and grant me faith in Him
I was thankful for the students’ support. I realized I do really love what I do. It is a privilege and I am grateful for ten good years in higher education the Lord has given me. There are tears too, which has helped me grow as a person and enriched my life. It dawned on me that there may be a day when I would not be up to par to give my students the best education experience I would like to, and that it is possible that I cannot hold my job. I may still be able to work, but a significant reduction of workload and not keeping a “career-type” job. I may not be able to advance anymore. I feel sad. I have always wanted to learn, to improve myself, to become better, to advance, to discover my potential, to reach the impossible dream… I have always prayed that I would become the woman God wants me to. For once, I believe that perhaps I have become the woman God wants me to be. However I may not become the woman I want to be. If it is the Lord who is writing the script, can I truly be contented with who I am?
Today I had my first radiation therapy.
I had to lie on my back, raised my hands up next to my head and stayed in the exact position without moving. It took the team quite a while to figure out the details and they have to call on the doctors to check things out. During this time my left arm had become so numb I almost felt “dissociated” from it. I began to feel panicky as this triggers some of my deeper fears: that I would lose control over my body while my mind is still active and alive. Lately I have thought a lot about my sister (who was in a vegetative state after a car accident) and my mother (who passed away having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, a progressive neurodegenerative disease). I was shocked by my own reaction - I was close to being in tears and I had to tell the staff I was about to panic (and move). On one hand, I am working on trustful surrender to the Lord’s sovereignty over my body under all circumstances and that His love would be there to carry me through. On the other hand, I am also working on faith in His healing power, that it is possible for me to regain health and live a vibrant life. It seems that true faith requires me to have both. The fluctuation in bodily temperature, the side effects from chemotherapy and this numbness had stirred up all this. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and grant me faith in Him
Thursday, September 2, 2010
September 2 Fluctuation Again
This morning I went for a walk. Perhaps it was the poor air quality, my body started not feeling so good. My temperature went up again in the afternoon. Victor seemed to be sneezing too. It may be allergy due to the bad air. But it can be a cold or something else. (It is quite difficult to be free from each other's germs.)
In the past few months, my sole focus had been on getting ready for the next shot. Now that the shots are over and as I look ahead to the next stage, I felt so stuck as if I cannot move forward. Today I also read a book on health (from another breast cancer survivors) - it seems impossible for me to live such a life - eating healthy and organic food (they are expensive), making fresh fruit and vegetable juice everyday and doing all the "right" things... So I felt quite discouraged. I really don't expect that it would be the hardest when I am close to the end of the tunnel.
I am praying that the Lord would show me what I need to learn in this part of the journey, that I won't miss out anything He wants to instruct me. I want to fight whatever infection (or fever) well. I pray that the Lord would give me wisdom and direct me to the healthy life style that is appropriate for me. May He help me to surrender and trust in His sovereign will in my life.
In the past few months, my sole focus had been on getting ready for the next shot. Now that the shots are over and as I look ahead to the next stage, I felt so stuck as if I cannot move forward. Today I also read a book on health (from another breast cancer survivors) - it seems impossible for me to live such a life - eating healthy and organic food (they are expensive), making fresh fruit and vegetable juice everyday and doing all the "right" things... So I felt quite discouraged. I really don't expect that it would be the hardest when I am close to the end of the tunnel.
I am praying that the Lord would show me what I need to learn in this part of the journey, that I won't miss out anything He wants to instruct me. I want to fight whatever infection (or fever) well. I pray that the Lord would give me wisdom and direct me to the healthy life style that is appropriate for me. May He help me to surrender and trust in His sovereign will in my life.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
September 1 Temperature Back to Normal
Last night my temperature started to go down to normal. As I am feeling better, Victor felt that I could handle some interesting information. He told me that on Monday when we were at the hospital, a lady he chatted with asked him whether I am his MOTHER! Can you believe this?! Oh well.
I do have a normal temperature when I write this blog.
I do have a normal temperature when I write this blog.
Monday, August 30, 2010
August 30 Fever
In the middle of last night, I was feverish. I had a sense of doom, that I would not be healed after all. I woke up early to get ready because I did not want to be hospitalized in Macau. Victor and I managed to take the 6 a.m. ferry. I was briefly detained when crossing immigration on the Hong Kong side to have my temperature taken and recorded. We managed to get to Princess Margaret Hospital by about 8 o’ clock and waited for the oncology clinic to open. They measured my temperature a few times – I think to try to “make” it lower. Results of the blood test (white blood count), according to the doctor’s interpretation, was not totally off the chart given my condition and the growth factor injection (to stimulate white blood count); whereas on Saturday a doctor in Macau seemed eager to get me hospitalized.
I observed that when my temperature reached a certain point, not only do I become irritable, my thoughts about God also become negative – such as He is punishing me for something unknown, that this is a premonition of me having only a few years of life left, etc. When the temperature got closer to normal, I would become cheerful again with some silly jokes and future becomes bright again. This fluctuation is quite obvious and there are both times of spiritual insights as well as crying out irrational fears and sadness to the Lord. It feels odd but there really is this rapid shift throughout the day and night.
This afternoon the Lord reminded me of my own prayer: that in this treatment process, the cancer cells would be destroyed but that vital organs would be protected and the good systems would become resilient. Therefore fighting an infection may be a necessary process for the good system to become resilient. [Of course, the doctor’s “normalizing” my fever helped.] So I must trust in the Lord.
The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.
Last but not least, I just checked the temperature – close to normal as I prepare to enter this blog. But I dropped the thermometer and broke it, resulting in a brief hysteria. Victor had to clean up the mess as well as the hysteria.
I observed that when my temperature reached a certain point, not only do I become irritable, my thoughts about God also become negative – such as He is punishing me for something unknown, that this is a premonition of me having only a few years of life left, etc. When the temperature got closer to normal, I would become cheerful again with some silly jokes and future becomes bright again. This fluctuation is quite obvious and there are both times of spiritual insights as well as crying out irrational fears and sadness to the Lord. It feels odd but there really is this rapid shift throughout the day and night.
This afternoon the Lord reminded me of my own prayer: that in this treatment process, the cancer cells would be destroyed but that vital organs would be protected and the good systems would become resilient. Therefore fighting an infection may be a necessary process for the good system to become resilient. [Of course, the doctor’s “normalizing” my fever helped.] So I must trust in the Lord.
The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.
Last but not least, I just checked the temperature – close to normal as I prepare to enter this blog. But I dropped the thermometer and broke it, resulting in a brief hysteria. Victor had to clean up the mess as well as the hysteria.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
August 29 Not Much Change
Still need your prayer desperately.
Today was kind of demoralizing. The fever is making me very irritable and hyper-sensitive. These days are actually the worst throughout the whole treatment process. I think I had the hardest time during the 3rd and 6th cycle, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of the specific drug. Perhaps it is my eagerness to transition back to "normal" life. Perhaps many things. For now, I need to hold onto the Lord in a simple fashion and to trust in His healing power.
I still have the mild fever and I was close to going back to the hospital. However I really do not want to be hosptalized. I feel better in the evening with the temperature seemly going down a bit. So I will see what happens next morning.
Please pray for Victor too. He hasn't seen me in such bad condition and it is difficult to care for a sick and irritable wife.
Today was kind of demoralizing. The fever is making me very irritable and hyper-sensitive. These days are actually the worst throughout the whole treatment process. I think I had the hardest time during the 3rd and 6th cycle, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of the specific drug. Perhaps it is my eagerness to transition back to "normal" life. Perhaps many things. For now, I need to hold onto the Lord in a simple fashion and to trust in His healing power.
I still have the mild fever and I was close to going back to the hospital. However I really do not want to be hosptalized. I feel better in the evening with the temperature seemly going down a bit. So I will see what happens next morning.
Please pray for Victor too. He hasn't seen me in such bad condition and it is difficult to care for a sick and irritable wife.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
August 28 Still Have Fever
Today I still have this fever. So I went to see the doctor at Kiang Wu Hospital in Macau. The doctor drew blood and checked my blood count and indeed there are signs of infection. However since I don't have any symptoms other than the fever, we do not really know what the source of infection is. So she prescribed antibiotics and said I would need to go back if I continue to have fever by tomorrow night.
Whatever the infection may be, hopefully the antibiotics would work. This visit was good because I may need to work with the doctors at Kiang Wu more in the future.
Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, may the Lord brings healing and may He again reveal His presence to all of us.
Whatever the infection may be, hopefully the antibiotics would work. This visit was good because I may need to work with the doctors at Kiang Wu more in the future.
Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, may the Lord brings healing and may He again reveal His presence to all of us.
Friday, August 27, 2010
August 27 Need Prayer
Wednesday’s travel was okay. My sister and I managed to pack things in the office. Then I found out that the office move on Thursday morning was cancelled. How frustrating. I got angrier when I found that it was now re-scheduled to Sept 1.
Yesterday I started not feeling well. Perhaps I was too stressed out on Wed. Perhaps it was adjusting to the air, water and everything all at once. Today I have a mild fever. It was bordering on serious. The dilemma was whether to go back to Hong Kong to see the doctor and risk getting worst or to stay here and risk having an infection that may be serious. I decided to stay for now. The temperature and the body ailments drove me into a foul mood and I had chewed a few people’s head off (my sisters and my husband).
So I really need your prayer. It is difficult for me to pray in this physical condition. Please remember my temperature particularly and endurance of all the side effects in this cycle. I was look forward to having more opportunities to share my faith with others in Macau. However in my physical weakness and angry mood, I am discouraged and lose confidence that I can do anything at all. Your prayers will make a difference!
Yesterday I started not feeling well. Perhaps I was too stressed out on Wed. Perhaps it was adjusting to the air, water and everything all at once. Today I have a mild fever. It was bordering on serious. The dilemma was whether to go back to Hong Kong to see the doctor and risk getting worst or to stay here and risk having an infection that may be serious. I decided to stay for now. The temperature and the body ailments drove me into a foul mood and I had chewed a few people’s head off (my sisters and my husband).
So I really need your prayer. It is difficult for me to pray in this physical condition. Please remember my temperature particularly and endurance of all the side effects in this cycle. I was look forward to having more opportunities to share my faith with others in Macau. However in my physical weakness and angry mood, I am discouraged and lose confidence that I can do anything at all. Your prayers will make a difference!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
August 24 Travel Back to Macau
On Monday I found out our office move had been scheduled on Thurs. morning. So I have to go back to Macau by Wed. to get ready. Needless to say I felt stressed because my immune system is still vulnerable at this point of the chemotherapy cycle.
The side effects seem unbearable this cycle – I felt so frustrated with the tiredness and fever-like symptoms. It also became hard to push myself to eat meat for the protein. This is probably due to my eagerness to move on and be back to “normal” life. So I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard. At the same time reality sinks in with all the new expectations. Yesterday night I was about to moan about going back to teaching without eyebrows and eyelashes. Just when I was complaining, the news on TV regarding the Philippines hostages turned to a crisis moment. The Lord always has His special way to put me into proper perspective of things so that I do not engage (too much) in self-pity.
Fortunately my sister would go with me for the first few days. Then Victor will come on the weekend. Please pray that we can get things organized quickly – get the office move ready, get the home cleaned and figure out how I can manage to eat nutritious food. I am just going to trust God one thing at a time.
Today I had some time to just pray – surrendering to the Lord my body, mind and soul, trusting that He would lead me to walk in the center of His will, to please Him in all my being and doing. I pray that it is not an abstract ideal, but can be practiced in the nitty gritty of daily life.
Thank you for all your prayers and support!
The side effects seem unbearable this cycle – I felt so frustrated with the tiredness and fever-like symptoms. It also became hard to push myself to eat meat for the protein. This is probably due to my eagerness to move on and be back to “normal” life. So I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard. At the same time reality sinks in with all the new expectations. Yesterday night I was about to moan about going back to teaching without eyebrows and eyelashes. Just when I was complaining, the news on TV regarding the Philippines hostages turned to a crisis moment. The Lord always has His special way to put me into proper perspective of things so that I do not engage (too much) in self-pity.
Fortunately my sister would go with me for the first few days. Then Victor will come on the weekend. Please pray that we can get things organized quickly – get the office move ready, get the home cleaned and figure out how I can manage to eat nutritious food. I am just going to trust God one thing at a time.
Today I had some time to just pray – surrendering to the Lord my body, mind and soul, trusting that He would lead me to walk in the center of His will, to please Him in all my being and doing. I pray that it is not an abstract ideal, but can be practiced in the nitty gritty of daily life.
Thank you for all your prayers and support!
Friday, August 20, 2010
August 20 Moving on to the Next Stage
I had my last chemotherapy shot on Tuesday. It was a challenge to poke into the veins! I am so glad that it was the last shot. Praise God who carried me to this point.
There was a rather skinny patient whose wife was trying to talk him into taking nutrient supplement drinks. I tried to encourage him to do so since I have gained weight all this time. The wife was certainly glad that someone can help with the persuasion. We shared our “bitter taste” experience and he was surprisingly engaging in the conversation. So I hope I can use my experience to help others too.
On Wednesday I went to get measures done to prepare for radio-therapy, which is likely to start in early September. I was somewhat apprehensive because someone had written about their negative experience – having insensitive technicians making marks on their half naked body in the cold. Thankfully, the medical team was very efficient and everything was done quickly. I was expecting to spend the whole day there but managed to leave at 12 noon. I was so happy and relieved and went dim sum for lunch with my sister.
After this last chemotherapy cycle I would begin my 5 years of hormonal therapy. For someone who does not like to take medication, it is difficult to think of a 5 year regimen. I would be taking Tamoxifen, a type of selective estrogen receptor modulators. The side effects are not very exciting – bone pain, potential blood clots and stroke, uterine cancer, menopause-like symptoms. I also dread depression and lethargy…Well perhaps it is not so bad. So will wait and see. Need to trust the Lord.
For now, please pray for protection from fever and infection. Today is Day 4 and white blood count is supposed to be close to zero. Pray for preparation for new school year. Usually folks are firing emails back and forth to get ready. May the Lord help me to stay calm and complete essential tasks efficiently!
There was a rather skinny patient whose wife was trying to talk him into taking nutrient supplement drinks. I tried to encourage him to do so since I have gained weight all this time. The wife was certainly glad that someone can help with the persuasion. We shared our “bitter taste” experience and he was surprisingly engaging in the conversation. So I hope I can use my experience to help others too.
On Wednesday I went to get measures done to prepare for radio-therapy, which is likely to start in early September. I was somewhat apprehensive because someone had written about their negative experience – having insensitive technicians making marks on their half naked body in the cold. Thankfully, the medical team was very efficient and everything was done quickly. I was expecting to spend the whole day there but managed to leave at 12 noon. I was so happy and relieved and went dim sum for lunch with my sister.
After this last chemotherapy cycle I would begin my 5 years of hormonal therapy. For someone who does not like to take medication, it is difficult to think of a 5 year regimen. I would be taking Tamoxifen, a type of selective estrogen receptor modulators. The side effects are not very exciting – bone pain, potential blood clots and stroke, uterine cancer, menopause-like symptoms. I also dread depression and lethargy…Well perhaps it is not so bad. So will wait and see. Need to trust the Lord.
For now, please pray for protection from fever and infection. Today is Day 4 and white blood count is supposed to be close to zero. Pray for preparation for new school year. Usually folks are firing emails back and forth to get ready. May the Lord help me to stay calm and complete essential tasks efficiently!
Monday, August 16, 2010
August 16 Thanksgiving for My Prayer Partners
Victor took the day off from work to keep me company for the medical check at the hospital. Today is his birthday, the big one – 50th! I would have want a big party for him but it would not be possible this year. His colleagues had a small celebration with him on Friday; yesterday we had dinner with his long-time friend from Los Angeles. (So I did sneak out again!) We have not been in Hong Kong long enough to develop intimate friendships here. Folks in Hong Kong are usually too busy and hanging-out is not the cultural norm. Victor in particular misses friends of 20-some years who have shared major milestones with him.
Today at the hospital I noticed someone wearing a nice hat. I could not resist and went over to ask her where she bought it. As we chatted, I found out she had started her chemotherapy much earlier but each time her shot had been delayed until her liver functioning improved. Usually I do not feel like talking with others because conversations can get me more anxious – worrying about the pesticide on fruits, etc.
Today I chatted with some ladies diagnosed with breast cancer; I learned that delays were quite common. I realized how “daring” I had been to assume that my 6 cycles could go smoothly and that I would be ready for school in the fall semester. I recalled I vaguely trust God that all this would work out. Before I left the hospital, the lady in the nice hat told me sadly that her shot would be postponed again. The Lord reminds me how He has carried me through each round and protected me from infections and complications. His grace and mercies are not to be taken for granted. I am also blessed to have so many of you praying for me.
Yesterday in my bible study on healing, I came across
James 5:13-16:
13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I wondered why in sickness the advice is specifically to call the elders of the church to pray. In addition, “the prayer offered in faith” is singular. I tried to study on this but have not found a satisfactory answer yet. The one important thing I noted is that prayer from our faith community is essential. It takes a lot to build up the kind of community that practices mutual confession. But the prayer of a community of righteous believers would be so powerful. Your prayers have been critical in my healing journey! I thank God for all of you!
The cancer journey has allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way. [In particular I have reconnected with a number of long lost friends from college. At first I thought writing a journal is therapeutic for me. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on the blog allows me to share with others beyond time and space. At first I was worried about this blogging thing being a bit “narcissistic.” However I found that comments and emails exchanges from friends have helped us share and fellowship more intimately. Your thoughts and prayers indeed are part of God’s healing.
Tomorrow I will have my last shot - pray that the veins are ready to take in the drug and my body to endure this one more time!
Today at the hospital I noticed someone wearing a nice hat. I could not resist and went over to ask her where she bought it. As we chatted, I found out she had started her chemotherapy much earlier but each time her shot had been delayed until her liver functioning improved. Usually I do not feel like talking with others because conversations can get me more anxious – worrying about the pesticide on fruits, etc.
Today I chatted with some ladies diagnosed with breast cancer; I learned that delays were quite common. I realized how “daring” I had been to assume that my 6 cycles could go smoothly and that I would be ready for school in the fall semester. I recalled I vaguely trust God that all this would work out. Before I left the hospital, the lady in the nice hat told me sadly that her shot would be postponed again. The Lord reminds me how He has carried me through each round and protected me from infections and complications. His grace and mercies are not to be taken for granted. I am also blessed to have so many of you praying for me.
Yesterday in my bible study on healing, I came across
James 5:13-16:
13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14 Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I wondered why in sickness the advice is specifically to call the elders of the church to pray. In addition, “the prayer offered in faith” is singular. I tried to study on this but have not found a satisfactory answer yet. The one important thing I noted is that prayer from our faith community is essential. It takes a lot to build up the kind of community that practices mutual confession. But the prayer of a community of righteous believers would be so powerful. Your prayers have been critical in my healing journey! I thank God for all of you!
The cancer journey has allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way. [In particular I have reconnected with a number of long lost friends from college. At first I thought writing a journal is therapeutic for me. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on the blog allows me to share with others beyond time and space. At first I was worried about this blogging thing being a bit “narcissistic.” However I found that comments and emails exchanges from friends have helped us share and fellowship more intimately. Your thoughts and prayers indeed are part of God’s healing.
Tomorrow I will have my last shot - pray that the veins are ready to take in the drug and my body to endure this one more time!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
August 14 Word of Encouragement
This morning I was whiny. I told Victor I needed a word of encouragement. My husband has been attentive these days (so I am taking every advantage before he returns to his “normal” mode); he tried to come up with something good to say. But I told him I needed a word of encouragement from the Lord.
Sure enough when I studied the Bible, I found the word of encouragement. These days I have continued my study on healing in the New Testament, focusing on passages with the word heal [Greek words “therapeuo,” “iaomai ,”“sozo,” “diasozo” plus associated nouns)]. Today I came across the word “heal” [Greek word iaomai] in Hebrews 12:13. So I started studying Hebrews Ch 12.
You are probably familiar with Hebrews 12, following Hebrews 11 about the crowd of witnesses:
v.1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
v. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
v. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
v. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
v. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement [the NIV translation is my exact request! Can also be translated as exhortation, comfort, and consolation] that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
v. 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
This word of encouragement is originally from Proverbs 3:11-12. The Lord reminds me that my fighting cancer is not yet a warfare involving the shedding of blood. Rather I should embrace it as the loving discipline of our Father. In modern days the word discipline is sometimes not received favorably. The Greek word used here is paideuo (pahee-dyoo'-o); meaning to train up a child. [Pediatrics, pedagogue – also derived from paidion, meaning child]. There are 8 words in this passage related to paidion. The meaning is simply the training and instruction of a child.
v. 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Some days it is difficult to see any meaning in having cancer. The process is unpleasant. There is the uncertainty of recurrence. But the Lord can discipline and train us in all circumstances for our good. The promise is that we can share His holiness and it can also produce “peaceful fruit” that yields righteousness. I still have to understand what it means to me personally but I hold onto this promise.
v. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet” was from Proverbs 4:26 [Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.] Here the exhortation is that we need to carefully choose the path. This latter half of Hebrews 12:12 is really difficult to understand so I have to check out other translations and commentaries. I think NASB’s translation is the best “so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Our task then is to carefully choose our paths, by so doing we are make straight paths for those who are weak to walk, that they may not be injured but rather be healed.
This is a challenging responsibility. I pray therefore that the Lord will strengthen me to continue on in His discipline and training. People who had walked through the path before me have helped me. Perhaps I also can go through this path and make it “level” for those who are coming along, that we may help one another not to stumble but rather be healed.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers - no fever for me today. I think this is part of the Lord's strengthening my faith. My sister's illness is bad - 102 degrees at one point and still fever today.
Sure enough when I studied the Bible, I found the word of encouragement. These days I have continued my study on healing in the New Testament, focusing on passages with the word heal [Greek words “therapeuo,” “iaomai ,”“sozo,” “diasozo” plus associated nouns)]. Today I came across the word “heal” [Greek word iaomai] in Hebrews 12:13. So I started studying Hebrews Ch 12.
You are probably familiar with Hebrews 12, following Hebrews 11 about the crowd of witnesses:
v.1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
v. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
v. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
v. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
v. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement [the NIV translation is my exact request! Can also be translated as exhortation, comfort, and consolation] that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
v. 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
This word of encouragement is originally from Proverbs 3:11-12. The Lord reminds me that my fighting cancer is not yet a warfare involving the shedding of blood. Rather I should embrace it as the loving discipline of our Father. In modern days the word discipline is sometimes not received favorably. The Greek word used here is paideuo (pahee-dyoo'-o); meaning to train up a child. [Pediatrics, pedagogue – also derived from paidion, meaning child]. There are 8 words in this passage related to paidion. The meaning is simply the training and instruction of a child.
v. 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Some days it is difficult to see any meaning in having cancer. The process is unpleasant. There is the uncertainty of recurrence. But the Lord can discipline and train us in all circumstances for our good. The promise is that we can share His holiness and it can also produce “peaceful fruit” that yields righteousness. I still have to understand what it means to me personally but I hold onto this promise.
v. 12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
“Make level paths for your feet” was from Proverbs 4:26 [Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.] Here the exhortation is that we need to carefully choose the path. This latter half of Hebrews 12:12 is really difficult to understand so I have to check out other translations and commentaries. I think NASB’s translation is the best “so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Our task then is to carefully choose our paths, by so doing we are make straight paths for those who are weak to walk, that they may not be injured but rather be healed.
This is a challenging responsibility. I pray therefore that the Lord will strengthen me to continue on in His discipline and training. People who had walked through the path before me have helped me. Perhaps I also can go through this path and make it “level” for those who are coming along, that we may help one another not to stumble but rather be healed.
P.S. Thank you for your prayers - no fever for me today. I think this is part of the Lord's strengthening my faith. My sister's illness is bad - 102 degrees at one point and still fever today.
Friday, August 13, 2010
August 13 Prayer Request
My sister who visited me on Monday to help out got sick (sore throat, fever and everything!)We went dim sum together that morning. So I am freaking out a little bit and feeling guilty for the pleasure I had sneaked out to enjoy all this week. Pray for speedy recovery for my sister as well as protection from illness / infection for me.
The last shot would be next Tuesday and I cannot afford any delay. New semester events are scheduled and I need to be there!! So pray that all that numbers will go okay on Monday’s check up. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo injection will go smoothly. My veins are pretty hardened by now and I am praying the whole body would be able to endure it one more time. Once again I ask that the cancer cells will be destroyed while my organs and the good systems would be resilient. On Wednesday I would need to go back to the hospital – they are going to take measures to prepare for the upcoming radiotherapy.
I tried to enjoy this week as much as possible because the new semester will start on the last week of August. I sneaked out quite a few times. I also tried to stretch myself a bit more to get myself ready for return to Macau . I tried to cook more but I burned the soup the other day. Today I carried my backpack with laptop to the pier to give Victor the lunch box he forgot. I try to test out if I am ready to walk up the hill to my office in the heat in Macau. I am still easily tired. So I need to take good care of the body.
Well, vaguely I know that everything will work out. The Lord is faithful to carry me through to the end. I will continue to trust in the Lord one step at a time, one task at a time and one day at a time.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!
The last shot would be next Tuesday and I cannot afford any delay. New semester events are scheduled and I need to be there!! So pray that all that numbers will go okay on Monday’s check up. Pray that Tuesday’s chemo injection will go smoothly. My veins are pretty hardened by now and I am praying the whole body would be able to endure it one more time. Once again I ask that the cancer cells will be destroyed while my organs and the good systems would be resilient. On Wednesday I would need to go back to the hospital – they are going to take measures to prepare for the upcoming radiotherapy.
I tried to enjoy this week as much as possible because the new semester will start on the last week of August. I sneaked out quite a few times. I also tried to stretch myself a bit more to get myself ready for return to Macau . I tried to cook more but I burned the soup the other day. Today I carried my backpack with laptop to the pier to give Victor the lunch box he forgot. I try to test out if I am ready to walk up the hill to my office in the heat in Macau. I am still easily tired. So I need to take good care of the body.
Well, vaguely I know that everything will work out. The Lord is faithful to carry me through to the end. I will continue to trust in the Lord one step at a time, one task at a time and one day at a time.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers!
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