Thank you for all your prayers!
Today I was at the hospital for almost 8 hours for the medical check! I am much more prepared for the waiting and did not get frantic - I asked my sister to entertain me with interesting conversations!
The numbers look okay and I will have my 5th shot tomorrow. Please pray that they can find a spot in the veins. May the Lord help me cope well with all the side effects - particularly no fever and no infection. I need to be disciplined - to stay home and keep clean.
I am also praying earnestly for continual spiritual blessings - there is something in particular I am seeking breakthrough and the only thing I can do is to wait on the Lord. Need His mercy in every asepct of my life!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
July 24th Lessons Learned on Discernment re: Work
I have asked for your prayers for discernment re: work life a few days ago (July 20th Prayer Request for Discernment). Victor and I had a good time sharing last night. Let me share with you some lessons I learned.
First I noted that my concern is mostly self-focused – “what should I be doing?” It is about my needs, my passion and my aspirations. As I prayed, I asked the Lord where He wanted to place me. Once again I am affirmed that God did place me in Macao when we first returned to Hong Kong. His strategy is the best and He places us where He wants to use us to accomplish His plan.
Second I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. You cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling. When it is God’s assignment it is significant. I also should not judge the work/task by how successful it appears to be (although it usually pleases us when it is going well). The Lord requires us to be faithful despite of desired outcome.
Third I should trust that the Holy Spirit’s step-by-step guidance is sufficient (even though I would like to see the broad picture now). This song comes to my mind:
“We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord
We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord . . .
And learn our lessons well,
In His timing He will tell us
What to do, where to go, what to say”
(A Maranatha Song in 1970s)
If the Lord has a new assignment, He would lead me in His time. It is in surrendering we can find His blessings in our activities.
So I am preparing to go back to where I left off and trust that the Lord will continue to lead me. I start revising my course syllabus and look forward to the coming semester. I would have a lighter load this semester and hopefully catch up next semester.
Today Victor was busy with two ministry opportunities. I actually feel pretty good being apart from him and enjoy my aloneness without feeling lonely. So perhaps I am not his “very dependent wife” after all! He had lunch with church folks to share Christ with an elderly man who has cancer. This gentleman is also going through chemotherapy and he is working everyday! So I feel guilty for moaning and groaning! God certainly has His special way to send me a reminder!
Do pray for readiness for my next shot – will have medical check on Monday and hopefully have my 5th shot this coming Tuesday.
First I noted that my concern is mostly self-focused – “what should I be doing?” It is about my needs, my passion and my aspirations. As I prayed, I asked the Lord where He wanted to place me. Once again I am affirmed that God did place me in Macao when we first returned to Hong Kong. His strategy is the best and He places us where He wants to use us to accomplish His plan.
Second I learned that when I set my “priorities” and evaluate what is important, I should be careful not to “judge” God’s assignments. You cannot really assign a value to teaching children’s Sunday school versus a graduate course, or encouraging a person versus professional counseling. When it is God’s assignment it is significant. I also should not judge the work/task by how successful it appears to be (although it usually pleases us when it is going well). The Lord requires us to be faithful despite of desired outcome.
Third I should trust that the Holy Spirit’s step-by-step guidance is sufficient (even though I would like to see the broad picture now). This song comes to my mind:
“We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord
We must wait, wait, wait on the Lord . . .
And learn our lessons well,
In His timing He will tell us
What to do, where to go, what to say”
(A Maranatha Song in 1970s)
If the Lord has a new assignment, He would lead me in His time. It is in surrendering we can find His blessings in our activities.
So I am preparing to go back to where I left off and trust that the Lord will continue to lead me. I start revising my course syllabus and look forward to the coming semester. I would have a lighter load this semester and hopefully catch up next semester.
Today Victor was busy with two ministry opportunities. I actually feel pretty good being apart from him and enjoy my aloneness without feeling lonely. So perhaps I am not his “very dependent wife” after all! He had lunch with church folks to share Christ with an elderly man who has cancer. This gentleman is also going through chemotherapy and he is working everyday! So I feel guilty for moaning and groaning! God certainly has His special way to send me a reminder!
Do pray for readiness for my next shot – will have medical check on Monday and hopefully have my 5th shot this coming Tuesday.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
July 22th Bitter Taste
“Dysguesia – definition: an altered sensation of taste, often unpleasant. It is a side effect of chemotherapy medications, and is described as a sensation of "metal mouth," a bitter taste, or a lack of ability to taste foods -- especially those that are sweet.” (lungcancer.about.com/od/glossary/g/dysguesia.htm)
So I found this fancy word to describe the bitter taste I have for quite a number of days! It is an “interesting” experience because food really tastes different from what you remember. I have to check with Victor or my sisters – is the fruit really not sweet or is it just my distorted taste? Usually it is just me!
Bitterness (marah) has a special meaning for me metaphorically. I have been praying that the Lord would turn bitterness into sweetness [Blog entry May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy]. I am also learning to accept that "bitterness of soul" can be beneficial to the person. [Blog entry July 1st Missing Piece in Hezekiah]
As I experience this bitter taste in my mouth, I realize that if the bitterness is due to our own distorted sensation, everything tastes bad. Even the tastiest food becomes bitter. You simply cannot taste sweetness. It takes quite a number of days for this bitterness in the mouth to gradually wear off.
Ps 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. NIV
It is a gift to taste the goodness of God. Lord, take away any bitterness in us so that we can taste the fullness of Your goodness!
So I found this fancy word to describe the bitter taste I have for quite a number of days! It is an “interesting” experience because food really tastes different from what you remember. I have to check with Victor or my sisters – is the fruit really not sweet or is it just my distorted taste? Usually it is just me!
Bitterness (marah) has a special meaning for me metaphorically. I have been praying that the Lord would turn bitterness into sweetness [Blog entry May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy]. I am also learning to accept that "bitterness of soul" can be beneficial to the person. [Blog entry July 1st Missing Piece in Hezekiah]
As I experience this bitter taste in my mouth, I realize that if the bitterness is due to our own distorted sensation, everything tastes bad. Even the tastiest food becomes bitter. You simply cannot taste sweetness. It takes quite a number of days for this bitterness in the mouth to gradually wear off.
Ps 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. NIV
It is a gift to taste the goodness of God. Lord, take away any bitterness in us so that we can taste the fullness of Your goodness!
Monday, July 19, 2010
July 20th Prayer Request for Discernment
I would like to ask your prayers for discernment re: work life.
I have been praying about this since I was diagnosed with cancer and have shared my learning here and there in my blog entries. A few weeks ago, the Lord has reminded me of His call (I wrote about in Blog Entry on July 1st Answered Prayers). However since then I do not have any new insights.
As the new semester will start soon, I am feeling some anticipation anxiety again – like a small kid wondering whether I am up to par to meet the challenges of school. For a few days, I told Victor that I do not want to go back to work and would rather be a stay-home wife. Plus I do not want to leave him and go to Macao – since I have now become his very dependent wife. So this is a bit freaky to him (as well as to me)! Most of you know me as someone who loves work! I love to be in action and be with people. So I am not sure whether this is temporary (a chemotherapy side effect!) or what?!
Testimonies from folks who had been through cancer frequently mention a change in priorities, cherishing relationships and family time more than work achievements and success. In some way I expect such a change as well. However I have not figured out exactly what and how to change. It seems that the things I had been doing originally were good and meaningful. Yet somehow I cannot rewind back to prior-cancer days and move on from that same spot. I am an off track train that has lost its steam, not knowing yet how I can find my new track or crank up my engine. I felt unsure about my direction as I look ahead – How then should I live? What should I be doing?
I am also facing the reality of a potentially shortened life and some limitation in energy. I wrote the list of things that I would “like to do” – it is still very long! They range from leading a child relaxation group to trying a Sunday school curriculum on forgiveness to many other things… Some of these ideas may need to be shelved and I may need to grieve through a loss of some identities. Then there is the list of things I “have to do” such as program reports, academic writing, etc. Some of them require “responsible closure,” making proper arrangements to wrap up these commitments should the Lord steer me towards a new direction.
I am praying to wait on the Lord patiently and to discern His will.
P.S. In the meantime I am recovering slowly this week. Praise the Lord! Getting ready for the next round of chemotherapy next week.
I have been praying about this since I was diagnosed with cancer and have shared my learning here and there in my blog entries. A few weeks ago, the Lord has reminded me of His call (I wrote about in Blog Entry on July 1st Answered Prayers). However since then I do not have any new insights.
As the new semester will start soon, I am feeling some anticipation anxiety again – like a small kid wondering whether I am up to par to meet the challenges of school. For a few days, I told Victor that I do not want to go back to work and would rather be a stay-home wife. Plus I do not want to leave him and go to Macao – since I have now become his very dependent wife. So this is a bit freaky to him (as well as to me)! Most of you know me as someone who loves work! I love to be in action and be with people. So I am not sure whether this is temporary (a chemotherapy side effect!) or what?!
Testimonies from folks who had been through cancer frequently mention a change in priorities, cherishing relationships and family time more than work achievements and success. In some way I expect such a change as well. However I have not figured out exactly what and how to change. It seems that the things I had been doing originally were good and meaningful. Yet somehow I cannot rewind back to prior-cancer days and move on from that same spot. I am an off track train that has lost its steam, not knowing yet how I can find my new track or crank up my engine. I felt unsure about my direction as I look ahead – How then should I live? What should I be doing?
I am also facing the reality of a potentially shortened life and some limitation in energy. I wrote the list of things that I would “like to do” – it is still very long! They range from leading a child relaxation group to trying a Sunday school curriculum on forgiveness to many other things… Some of these ideas may need to be shelved and I may need to grieve through a loss of some identities. Then there is the list of things I “have to do” such as program reports, academic writing, etc. Some of them require “responsible closure,” making proper arrangements to wrap up these commitments should the Lord steer me towards a new direction.
I am praying to wait on the Lord patiently and to discern His will.
P.S. In the meantime I am recovering slowly this week. Praise the Lord! Getting ready for the next round of chemotherapy next week.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
July 14th He Revives Us
The Lord has graciously answered my earnest prayer last night: I asked that this morning my temperature would clearly go down so that I do not need to be worried about going to the hospital. I also asked that I would not wake up so much at night. Indeed I slept through six hours and woke up without the temperature. I am VERY THANKFUL!
These are petty in the grand scheme of things - but I desperately need help! When you cannot control much about your basic bodily functions, there is not much that you can do. At different times in life, we will for sure reach our moments of vulnerability. Isn't it amazing that God cares us and even our trivialities?! This verse comes to me today:
Isa 57:15
15 For this is what the high and lofty One says — he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. NIV
The Lord reaches out to us!
P.s. Victor just taught me the word "lives" is "shakan" in Hebrew. This word is used for the tabernacle, meaning He tents among us (John 1:14). Amazing!
These are petty in the grand scheme of things - but I desperately need help! When you cannot control much about your basic bodily functions, there is not much that you can do. At different times in life, we will for sure reach our moments of vulnerability. Isn't it amazing that God cares us and even our trivialities?! This verse comes to me today:
Isa 57:15
15 For this is what the high and lofty One says — he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. NIV
The Lord reaches out to us!
P.s. Victor just taught me the word "lives" is "shakan" in Hebrew. This word is used for the tabernacle, meaning He tents among us (John 1:14). Amazing!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
July 13th "Not-so-good" to "Not that bad" Day
Yesterday after my blog entry, I napped praying to rest in the Lord. I woke up feeling I had a fever. After checking the temperature I was alarmed knowing that I would need to check into the hospital. But then it was after office hours and it would be quite a headache to go to the hospital emergency – all the hassle may just take a toll on the body and hit me harder. Fortunately my sister was there with me so I did not panic. I prayed and waited for a bit to check my temperature again and this time it was just marginal. After calling my friend who had leukemia and got some practice advice, I packed to be ready to go to the hospital but continue to just monitor the temperature.
Victor had class last night and his students prayed for me three times. Praise God for them. I finally decided to just wait till the morning. I woke up and the temperature had gone down to the acceptable range – I would still need to keep an eye on it.
So there were twists and turns yesterday, from a “not-so-good” day to a “potentially-really-bad” day (either waiting in the hospital emergency or being hospitalized) and then finally to a “not-that-bad” day after all.
Thank you for all the prayers. You can see I really need them.
Victor had class last night and his students prayed for me three times. Praise God for them. I finally decided to just wait till the morning. I woke up and the temperature had gone down to the acceptable range – I would still need to keep an eye on it.
So there were twists and turns yesterday, from a “not-so-good” day to a “potentially-really-bad” day (either waiting in the hospital emergency or being hospitalized) and then finally to a “not-that-bad” day after all.
Thank you for all the prayers. You can see I really need them.
Monday, July 12, 2010
July 12th Not-so-good Day?
Today when I tried to give myself the shot (growth factor to stimulate white blood growth), I accidentally poked my finger and it bled. Needless to say I reacted.
There are several things I need your prayer - diahrrea (+ assoicated bowel difficulties), fatique, poor appetite, poor sleep quality. The teeth and the tongue looks awful and numb. Pray that the Lord preserve my body. Also I will need to go back to the hospital on Thursday for an echocardiogram (for the heart) and to take blood test. Pray that it would go smoothly and it would not be too hard.
It is only 2:20 pm and I am concluding that it is a not-so-good day. But perhaps it can still be a very good day. Please pray for good rest in the Lord and finding His grace sufficient in my weakness.
There are several things I need your prayer - diahrrea (+ assoicated bowel difficulties), fatique, poor appetite, poor sleep quality. The teeth and the tongue looks awful and numb. Pray that the Lord preserve my body. Also I will need to go back to the hospital on Thursday for an echocardiogram (for the heart) and to take blood test. Pray that it would go smoothly and it would not be too hard.
It is only 2:20 pm and I am concluding that it is a not-so-good day. But perhaps it can still be a very good day. Please pray for good rest in the Lord and finding His grace sufficient in my weakness.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
July 11th Brief Update
It is so nice to hear from long-time friends and thank you for all your comments!
This last drug has been hard on my body. I have not done much but sleep. Yet the Lord has kept me close to Him even in my lethargy. I am beginning to understand that my subjective sense of well being (physically, emotionally) may not be all that important. Our spiritual anchor in the Lord will hold us fast to Him. While I have lost self-confidence, I am beginning to gain confidence in Him - His grace is indeed sufficient in my weakness. When I can gather my thoughts I will write about embracing our weaknesses.
In the meanwhile, please pray for regaining of strength to continue.
This last drug has been hard on my body. I have not done much but sleep. Yet the Lord has kept me close to Him even in my lethargy. I am beginning to understand that my subjective sense of well being (physically, emotionally) may not be all that important. Our spiritual anchor in the Lord will hold us fast to Him. While I have lost self-confidence, I am beginning to gain confidence in Him - His grace is indeed sufficient in my weakness. When I can gather my thoughts I will write about embracing our weaknesses.
In the meanwhile, please pray for regaining of strength to continue.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
July 7th The Fourth Chemo Shot
Dear friends,
I am now over the half-way point!
Today I had my fourth shot. Yes, the nurse had to poke two times because my veins are getting too hard to take in the drug. However it wasn’t that miserable. The intravenous infusion went smoothly without any allergic reaction. Praise God! (May the Lord soften my veins for the next two shots. Yet one shot at a time!)
I am up since 3 a.m., most likely due to the steroids. So instead of tossing and turning I decide to write a blog entry. Thankfully I am awake but not agitated.
In fact I was in a cheerful mood for almost all day! My tummy hurt in the evening and so I went to drug.com to search information on the drug to clarify the side effects. Then I discovered the dosage of the drug was supposed to be 60 mg, 75 mg or 100 mg/m2. I recalled that I had 150 mg in the morning and since I do not know how to calculate the body size adjustment, I freaked out. Fortunately my brother (the doctor) was quick to reply my email, explaining the mg/m2. Victor and I had a good laugh about my brief hysteria over having an overdose and being poisoned by the toxin.
So much for my “total trust” in God – pretty shaky, huh?! But the Lord is grabbing my feeble and wobbly hand firmly in this journey.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers.
I am now over the half-way point!
Today I had my fourth shot. Yes, the nurse had to poke two times because my veins are getting too hard to take in the drug. However it wasn’t that miserable. The intravenous infusion went smoothly without any allergic reaction. Praise God! (May the Lord soften my veins for the next two shots. Yet one shot at a time!)
I am up since 3 a.m., most likely due to the steroids. So instead of tossing and turning I decide to write a blog entry. Thankfully I am awake but not agitated.
In fact I was in a cheerful mood for almost all day! My tummy hurt in the evening and so I went to drug.com to search information on the drug to clarify the side effects. Then I discovered the dosage of the drug was supposed to be 60 mg, 75 mg or 100 mg/m2. I recalled that I had 150 mg in the morning and since I do not know how to calculate the body size adjustment, I freaked out. Fortunately my brother (the doctor) was quick to reply my email, explaining the mg/m2. Victor and I had a good laugh about my brief hysteria over having an overdose and being poisoned by the toxin.
So much for my “total trust” in God – pretty shaky, huh?! But the Lord is grabbing my feeble and wobbly hand firmly in this journey.
Thank you for all your kind words and prayers.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
July 4th Preparation for 4th Chemotherapy Shot
Dear friends,
Praise God for keeping me in good spirits for the past few days! I am getting ready for the 4th shot on Tuesday.
I had been a bit apprehensive as I would be given another drug Taxotere for the next 3 cycles. This drug would lead to quick decline of white blood cell in the body on the 4th day. [Pray for protection from infection!] So I would need to be brave to stick needles and self inject “Growth Factors” that stimulate white blood cell. There would be the fluid retention issues and therefore steroids would be needed, which has its own side effects (like agitation which I dislike). [Pray for endurance!] The liver also needs to be good enough to take this shot. [Pray for body strength and protection of vital organs!]
As you can tell, I have read about the drug quite a bit on internet. But then knowledge does not make it better. So I will keep on trusting the Lord. May He strengthen my body to be able to take in the drug and to handle the side effects. May He tear down what needs to be destroyed and rebuild what is good in my mind, body and soul - that I may become more resilient. This is a prayer we all need regardless of whether we have cancer or not. May He renew us everyday.
Right now I am as prepared as I can be. Please pray for tomorrow’s check up to go smoothly and that the next few shots will go.
Praise God for keeping me in good spirits for the past few days! I am getting ready for the 4th shot on Tuesday.
I had been a bit apprehensive as I would be given another drug Taxotere for the next 3 cycles. This drug would lead to quick decline of white blood cell in the body on the 4th day. [Pray for protection from infection!] So I would need to be brave to stick needles and self inject “Growth Factors” that stimulate white blood cell. There would be the fluid retention issues and therefore steroids would be needed, which has its own side effects (like agitation which I dislike). [Pray for endurance!] The liver also needs to be good enough to take this shot. [Pray for body strength and protection of vital organs!]
As you can tell, I have read about the drug quite a bit on internet. But then knowledge does not make it better. So I will keep on trusting the Lord. May He strengthen my body to be able to take in the drug and to handle the side effects. May He tear down what needs to be destroyed and rebuild what is good in my mind, body and soul - that I may become more resilient. This is a prayer we all need regardless of whether we have cancer or not. May He renew us everyday.
Right now I am as prepared as I can be. Please pray for tomorrow’s check up to go smoothly and that the next few shots will go.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
July 1st Answered Prayers
A few days ago, I was praying desperately that God would once again show me His call or provide some sort of vision so that I can look ahead with meaning and purpose. Let me share with you how God has answered me.
In discouragement I decided to google one of my teachers in graduate school to seek some inspiration. Beth has been a wonderful role model - she is an extremely talented psychotherapist invested in the integration of analytic psychology and spiritual formation. Better still, she inspires you to draw near to God. Beth was first diagnosed with breast cancer 5 days after giving birth to her daughter just when she was ready to launch her teaching career. I was then first year in my doctoral studies at Rosemead School of Psychology and remembered praying for her. After battling the first round and recovered, her breast cancer re-occurred 7 years later, this time already metastasized to the bones. By then I just began my journey as a faculty member at Azusa Pacific University and became a colleague of her husband. The couple is well known to our community of Christian psychologist at Fuller, Rosemead and APU.
Indeed I found an article on the internet written by Beth. [‘Winter Meets Its Death', Psychoanalytic Inquiry, (2008) 28: 5, 599 — 611]. She shared about how her terminal illness impacted one of her patients and in the process of encountering grief, loss, death and dying; both became more alive to God and to others. Let me quote her:
“These clinicians seemed to be more “alive” as they faced their own deaths or their clients’ deaths—more alive to grief and anguish, but also more alive to the possibility of connections across loss and realms of being. Both psychoanalysis and spirituality provide an opportunity for us to develop in our capacity to become more relationally alive. We have the privilege and the call from our human nature to do all in our power, via relationships, to move ourselves and our patients towards the full experience of being alive—for the glory of God."
Beth’s perspective as a psychotherapist committed to spiritual transformation is particularly enlightening. After reading the article I “rediscovered” my call. The Lord refreshed my memories and reminded me what my first love was. I bumped into a teaching career “accidentally” but certainly in the perfect will of God. My call (and my passion) was actually a very simple one; the projects and programs are in fact secondary.
Well, by the amazing grace of God, Beth continued to live – she has been through all sorts of chemotherapy and treatment for the past 10 years. One chemo drug failed and then another worked for a while…but she continued to live vibrantly. She now had a blog as part of a research project at UCLA. I went to her blog and read all her previous newsletters (for the past 10 years) in 2 days. I knew of some of these events as a colleague of her husband but now I can really shared her experience as a breast cancer patient. On the concrete side, I learned about how she handled side effects. Well her veins have lasted for 10 years. There were so many things (psycho-spiritual stuff) I could easily identify with. God used her writings to encourage, comfort, and revive me. Moreover, I learned from Beth’s life that God can keep us occupied with gladness of heart (Eccl 5:18-20) and indeed we can live our lives as a drink offering like Paul in his good fight (2 Tim 4:6-7). All this can occur even in the midst of recurrence of cancer. [My prayer in June 27th blog entry “Back on Track?” was indeed answered. May God help me live life fully!!]
I figured writing this blog is indeed good and therapeutic for me. Now I realize it may also bless someone later on down the road.
Thank you for all your sharing and comments.
In discouragement I decided to google one of my teachers in graduate school to seek some inspiration. Beth has been a wonderful role model - she is an extremely talented psychotherapist invested in the integration of analytic psychology and spiritual formation. Better still, she inspires you to draw near to God. Beth was first diagnosed with breast cancer 5 days after giving birth to her daughter just when she was ready to launch her teaching career. I was then first year in my doctoral studies at Rosemead School of Psychology and remembered praying for her. After battling the first round and recovered, her breast cancer re-occurred 7 years later, this time already metastasized to the bones. By then I just began my journey as a faculty member at Azusa Pacific University and became a colleague of her husband. The couple is well known to our community of Christian psychologist at Fuller, Rosemead and APU.
Indeed I found an article on the internet written by Beth. [‘Winter Meets Its Death', Psychoanalytic Inquiry, (2008) 28: 5, 599 — 611]. She shared about how her terminal illness impacted one of her patients and in the process of encountering grief, loss, death and dying; both became more alive to God and to others. Let me quote her:
“These clinicians seemed to be more “alive” as they faced their own deaths or their clients’ deaths—more alive to grief and anguish, but also more alive to the possibility of connections across loss and realms of being. Both psychoanalysis and spirituality provide an opportunity for us to develop in our capacity to become more relationally alive. We have the privilege and the call from our human nature to do all in our power, via relationships, to move ourselves and our patients towards the full experience of being alive—for the glory of God."
Beth’s perspective as a psychotherapist committed to spiritual transformation is particularly enlightening. After reading the article I “rediscovered” my call. The Lord refreshed my memories and reminded me what my first love was. I bumped into a teaching career “accidentally” but certainly in the perfect will of God. My call (and my passion) was actually a very simple one; the projects and programs are in fact secondary.
Well, by the amazing grace of God, Beth continued to live – she has been through all sorts of chemotherapy and treatment for the past 10 years. One chemo drug failed and then another worked for a while…but she continued to live vibrantly. She now had a blog as part of a research project at UCLA. I went to her blog and read all her previous newsletters (for the past 10 years) in 2 days. I knew of some of these events as a colleague of her husband but now I can really shared her experience as a breast cancer patient. On the concrete side, I learned about how she handled side effects. Well her veins have lasted for 10 years. There were so many things (psycho-spiritual stuff) I could easily identify with. God used her writings to encourage, comfort, and revive me. Moreover, I learned from Beth’s life that God can keep us occupied with gladness of heart (Eccl 5:18-20) and indeed we can live our lives as a drink offering like Paul in his good fight (2 Tim 4:6-7). All this can occur even in the midst of recurrence of cancer. [My prayer in June 27th blog entry “Back on Track?” was indeed answered. May God help me live life fully!!]
I figured writing this blog is indeed good and therapeutic for me. Now I realize it may also bless someone later on down the road.
Thank you for all your sharing and comments.
July 1st The Missing Piece about Hezekiah
I wrote a blog entry on Hezekiah in March 26 (Reflections on Hezekiah). The Lord has an amazing reminder for me today. In the previous entry, I had only focused on the “bad” – the one thing that Hezekiah failed in his last days. This indeed is my tendency, to focus only on the errors and mistakes and overlook the good. I missed an importance piece – his writing after his recovery. The writing speaks for my soul. May the Lord bless you through these words as well.
Isa 38:9-14
9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah after his illness and recovery:
10 I said, "In the prime of my life must I go through the gates of death and be robbed of the rest of my years?"
11 I said, "I will not again see the Lord, the Lord, in the land of the living; no longer will I look on mankind, or be with those who now dwell in this world.
12 Like a shepherd's tent my house has been pulled down and taken from me.
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life, and he has cut me off from the loom;
day and night you made an end of me.
13 I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me.
14 I cried like a swift or thrush, I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens. I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!"
15 But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.
17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
18 For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living — they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord.
Additional Reflections:
I note that verse 15 the “anguish” of my soul, the word is bitter [OT:4751 mar (mar); or (feminine) marah (maw-raw'); from OT:4843; bitter (literally or figuratively); also (as noun) bitterness, or (adverbially) bitterly:]. This “bitterness of the soul” also occurred 4 times in Job and 1 time with Hannah. Hannah, Job and Hezekiah have all tasted bitterness of the soul in their disease and suffering. The Lord allowed them to experience this bitterness of the soul and He then turned it into praise and thanksgiving.
This bitterness (marah) was the same word used in Exodus 15:23 as well. When I first began my chemotherapy, I had a blog entry (May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy) about this same word “marah” in the dessert (Exodus 15: 23). I had asked the Lord to provide the piece of wood from the tree that will make the water (chemo drug) sweet for my body to take in. I pray once again for this piece of wood from His cross that can turn everything bitterness into sweetness.
In verse 17, “suffered such anguish” is actually “marah marah” (also translated as "great bitterness.”
Dear friends, I cannot make it without your praying with me in this journey.
Surely it was for my benefit (shalom) that I “marah marah.”
Lord, I will walk humbly all my years because of this “marah” of my soul.
Isa 38:9-14
9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah after his illness and recovery:
10 I said, "In the prime of my life must I go through the gates of death and be robbed of the rest of my years?"
11 I said, "I will not again see the Lord, the Lord, in the land of the living; no longer will I look on mankind, or be with those who now dwell in this world.
12 Like a shepherd's tent my house has been pulled down and taken from me.
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life, and he has cut me off from the loom;
day and night you made an end of me.
13 I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me.
14 I cried like a swift or thrush, I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens. I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!"
15 But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.
17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
18 For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living — they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the Lord.
Additional Reflections:
I note that verse 15 the “anguish” of my soul, the word is bitter [OT:4751 mar (mar); or (feminine) marah (maw-raw'); from OT:4843; bitter (literally or figuratively); also (as noun) bitterness, or (adverbially) bitterly:]. This “bitterness of the soul” also occurred 4 times in Job and 1 time with Hannah. Hannah, Job and Hezekiah have all tasted bitterness of the soul in their disease and suffering. The Lord allowed them to experience this bitterness of the soul and He then turned it into praise and thanksgiving.
This bitterness (marah) was the same word used in Exodus 15:23 as well. When I first began my chemotherapy, I had a blog entry (May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy) about this same word “marah” in the dessert (Exodus 15: 23). I had asked the Lord to provide the piece of wood from the tree that will make the water (chemo drug) sweet for my body to take in. I pray once again for this piece of wood from His cross that can turn everything bitterness into sweetness.
In verse 17, “suffered such anguish” is actually “marah marah” (also translated as "great bitterness.”
Dear friends, I cannot make it without your praying with me in this journey.
Surely it was for my benefit (shalom) that I “marah marah.”
Lord, I will walk humbly all my years because of this “marah” of my soul.
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