May 8

It is difficult to write this blog entry because I am afraid it might be the last one. Now I felt quite relieved as this may be the last task to complete on earth. Thank you for praying with me in this journey as I sought to wait on the Lord. I also earnestly pray for His healing to have more time life on earth to serve Him. The Lord was quick to answer that His will would be otherwise. I have no contest. His will really is higher and the best. As I reflect, I would say that my only regret on earth is that I have missed out opportunities to set aside everything to serve Him because I was unwilling to let go of my pursuit of career success. I had falsely justified my vanity by saying that Christians in position of professional expertise (and power and success) can also be a strong testimony. Although this may be applicable to some people, we have to carefully search our hearts in the light of the Holy Spirit. Praise God that despite all, Jesus’ forgiveness and cleansing blood is all sufficient for even me! During the week holding off treatment, I had some good parties, celebrating the publishing of our book with Victor’s colleagues, dim sum with my supporting “soup ladies”, relatives visiting to say goodbye, etc. I felt quite content that I have completed what is needed on earth. If you feel like having a more personal goodbye, please app or email me so we can make a connection. I do not quite feel energized to have visitors. I shifted to a new chemotherapy last week. So far, I do not seem to be tolerating well as I was not able to continue this week. My pain is becoming very difficult to manage, with various side effects complicating things. I am so ready and eager to leave this body on earth. Lord, I wait on you,have mercy on me, hold my hand and take me to You。 這篇update 甚難下筆，也許心中預期這可能是最後一篇。但又有點釋然，也許在世要完成的快做完了！ 謝謝你們一直以禱告與我同行，等候神， 上期停藥我也切切求神憐，讓我能得醫治留世多作主工，但神很快便讓我知道這非祂的旨意，清晰明白, 我絕無異議， 因祂的意念非同我的意念。回想一生，感到遺憾的便是自沒有在合適時機放下事業全心事奉神，總覺得基督徒在一些崗位上更能見證神， 但事實是自己放不下世上的成就的追求。但神是有憐憫，祂赦罪的寶血洗净我! 停藥期間做了不少開心的事情例如和Victor的同事慶祝我們新書出版，答謝愛心女士們給我的湯水服侍，外地親友的道別探訪。我感恩我已完成了我世上所需做的事。 現也許是道別的時刻，如果你想要更個人的告別，請用電郵或短信聯絡我，我的身體暫時提不起精神來接待訪客。 上星期換了新化療藥，因適應不到新藥也暫沒辦法再打。又，我的痛楚已經控制不到， 因爲有不同的病癥及藥物副作用令事情更複雜。我已準備好和渴慕肉身能快離開這世界。主， 我等候你，求你不撇我， 憐憫我，牽我手到永生！

April 11

These days I seek to focus my attention on waiting on the Lord.  I ask earnestly that you pray with me. My cancer index continues to go up. The doctor has suggested trying another chemotherapy drug. I asked to delay one cycle to seek some relief from the gastrointestinal pain, which may be a side effect of chemotherapy. I am working on managing the pain. Please remember me. I also desire to devote this time to wait on the Lord. I earnestly seek His healing and to have more time serving Him on earth. If His will is otherwise, I pray that He would reveal His will and help me embrace it. Our book “同作門徒” has come out! (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153842203579300&substory_index=0&id=138357479299). My prayer is that the Lord will use this Bible study series to encourage brothers and sisters to follow Him. It has been a great spiritual blessing working on this with Victor (and our fellowship) for the past two years. There are many things I still I want to do on earth, but to follow Him is all that is needed. 這段時間我專心等候主自己，盼望你們也和我一同禱告。 我的癌指仍然高昇，医生建議我轉化療藥，我要求停一期來舒緩藥物副作用引致的腸胃不適。請為這些不適和痛楚祷告。 此外我也祈求在這段時間專心等候主和仰望衪。我渴望主的医治使我能在世繼續事奉衪。求主顯明祂的旨意,讓我能平安接受。 我們的書「同作門徒」出版了！lhttps://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153842203579300&substory_index=0&id=138357479299) 盼望主用這本書, 讓這個查經系列幫助弟兄作祂的門徒。過去兩年我和Victor (和我們的團契)從這查經十分蒙福。對我來說, 我還有很多事想做，但唯一重要的便是跟隨主作祂的門徒！

Mar 3

My life is now organized in 3-week cycles of chemotherapy. After discharge from hospital, my lungs have remained about the same. There are days I feel that death may be imminent if my lung collapses again or if an infection turns into pneumonia. Other times I believe that I may still live for a while and God has tasks for me to complete. I swing back and forth wanting to be with the Lord and to stay on earth with loved ones. Well, Philippians 1:21-26 (For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…) Family and friends have visited during Chinese New Year and this past month. I am so blessed! Now saying goodbye is very painful as it may be the last time. In the midst of such pain I notice that my love for folks is deeper than I previously thought. Physically I am very skinny (90 lbs) now. I work hard on eating. Praise God for His constant supply of soup, dumplings, and desserts provided by loving sisters. They keep my appetite alive! May the Lord also nourish them richly with His love! I also do more breathing exercises. It is difficult to keep my motivation when you only see decline no matter what you do. I took the challenge to teach Sunday School with Victor on Sunday mornings. This immediately turns out to be the highlight of my week, keeping me focused on worship matters and the study of His Word. Otherwise, I feel quite purposeless as I have completed almost all my tasks on the to-do list. I am close to finishing another book with Victor on 10 healing miracles. Victor wrote the messages. I wrote the bible study questions, the applications for the sick and suffering as well as for the supporters/caretakers. As I do the editing and revisions, I am most delighted to say that I believe and strive to practice what I have written. [From day 1, I want to commit to His sovereign good will.] I am now enriching the content with a brief section on psychological perspectives. After I am done, what is next?! I worry a bit. May the Lord lead. Prayer Request: 1) To gain weight, 2) To breathe well, 3) To be hopeful despite the rising cancer marker, 4) To keep my spiritual focus. 出院以後， 我的肺沒有特變，現是還繼續每三周的化療。這些日子有時我在想死亡是否已經很近，一下的肺炎或爆肺，我可能便會完蛋! 有時我又感到可能自己還會有一些日子, 完成一些神的計劃。我深感保羅在腓立比書1：21-26的兩難，既想與主同在，也捨不得家人朋友和弟兄姐妹，希望能繼續同行天路。過年時得見一些親友， 深深感恩！ 但現在道別時想到可能是最後一次，心中萬分難受，自以爲瀟灑撇脫，其實心中很不捨！ 我只得90磅了，所以很努力去吃！感謝神透過姐妹的愛心，我有湯水， 餃子和甜點的供應，把我的胃口保住，願神也充充滿滿的以愛供應他們！ 我多做了一些呼吸練習， 有時動機很低，因爲只見身體慢慢的衰敗，沒有好轉的盼望，所以要以一個服侍神的心去做！ 我很高興跟Victor 一起教主日學， 這成了我每週所盼望的，也把我從低落中集中起來，敬拜神，讀祂的話，不然我會很茫然，讓疾病成爲我的中心。我也和Victor 完成了一本書，就是聖經十個醫治的神跡，他有信息系列，我負責查經問題，給病患/受苦者和支援者的應用。 當我重讀修改時，感到我是從心裏相信和實踐這些應用的， 從第一天開始，我就求神幫我順服祂的主權和旨意，願祂保守我直到見主那一天！我現在補上一些心理學的觀點，做完以後， 我就沒有什麽可做的了，願主引領！ 禱告事項：1） 增磅 2）呼吸好， 3）存盼望即或癌指上升， 4） 專心仰望神 Doris

Feb 2 2016, Discharge from Hospital

Two-Week Well I am discharged after two weeks of hospitalization. The two-week stay was unexpected due to complications. I have an iatrogenic pneumothorax. My lung collapsed. To my disappointment, my lung did not expand back to its original position. However during these two weeks I had so richly experienced God’s blessing that I now embrace the sovereign will of God with gratefulness. My experience with God is beyond words. However I would share those blessings I can easily count with you. First, I was hospitalized just before the cold weather seized Hong Kong. Otherwise I might have been risk of breathing problems and complications such as pneumonia as well. Second, I witnessed two ladies passed away. Their beds were opposite mine and I looked into their eyes as they slowly pass away with decreasing heart beat and blood pressure. The Lord prepares me to embrace death by witnessing the physiological aspects of it. The Holy Spirit gently teaches me the hope I have in His salvation, which is markedly different from those who grieved in death and dying without such hope. Third, the Lord used me in my weaknesses. In my physical and emotional weakness, the Lord taught me to merely set aside my SELF and let Him do His work. As I submit to the Lord, He uses me to bless a person in some unexpected way. Never underestimate God and what He can do through you when you are willing! Fourth, the discharge was delayed. Initially I was very disappointed. When I submitted to His sovereign good will, I noted that the Lord has prepared a sister (in the Lord), a wound specialist, to manage my wound after discharge. He also used this delay to give me yet another opportunity to bless and be blessed by other patients. His way is higher! Prayer request: 1. Pray for my lungs to still recover. May God protect me from infection! 2. Pray for the effectiveness of another chemo medication that it will control the cancer growth. 3. Pray for time with family. 我終於出院了！ 原本是住一兩天抽肺積水， 但因爲氣胸肺而延誤了兩週， 最後肺還是不能恢復原狀。但是這兩週我是充充實實的經歷主的恩典，難以筆墨形用，就盡量和大家分享。 1. 我在寒流到港前入院， 不然我可能因天冷而呼吸道受感染，甚至肺炎等， 那時， 要到急症室就不容易了！2. 這次入院我見證了兩位女士的離世，她們在我對面床的， 我親眼目睹她們心跳減慢，血壓降低，和翻眼，我心中感到既難過，但又得聖靈的安慰，讓我知道得救的人有永生的盼望，不怕肉身的死亡， 但也深深體會未信之人的哀傷， 他們的呼喊哭泣何等絕望！3. 在我身心最軟弱時神還能用我祝福他人，過往，縂以為是自己的知識經驗才能被神用，沒想到在順服神時， 一件最微小的服侍神也能使用，一個最簡單的禱告也可以大有靈力！4. 我的出院時間給耽誤了， 剛開始有點失望。 當我順服祂的主權旨意時，我經歷祂的計劃更好， 祂的意念更高，因爲多留一天， 神為我安排最好的傷口治理， 並讓我有多一個機會被其他病人蒙福並祝福他們。 代禱: 1. 肺能繼續復原，求神保守不受感染 2. 新一期的化療葯有效控制癌細包，3. 和家人有美好的時光，彼此祝福並榮耀神！

Jan 23, Unexpected Hospitalization

I was hospitalized unexpectedly to remove pleural fluid. The procedure became complicated when my lung collapsed without returning to its original position. On top of that, there is a "bubble" in the lung and needs to be removed. I waited and waited. Then.....Today was quite a day! I had good news in the morning that the lung has some expansion! Then the afternoon crashed into a turmoil in our hospital room. The newly admitted old lady who seemed quite alert and energetic started to choke in the afternoon. The nurse quickly gave her oxygen and did everything needed. The family was immediately contacted. To my surprise that was already a call to say goodbye. They were waiting for the son to return from Shenzhen. The family members cried, saying goodbye, pleading for the lady to hold on and wait for the son to return. It became emotional for the 5 of us bedridden going nowhere but to stay in bed going through this emotional storm. For me I had to watch her fade away with decreasing heartbeat unless I closed my eyes or turned away. (I was so slow in responding with prayer.) This became unbearable for the lady whose bed was closest to the old lady. She had just managed to calm down yesterday and this trggered her again; she started tearing the tubes off her and spewing angry words towards her husband. It was very tense! Now everything has calmed down. It is all quiet and you can hear only the cleaning lady. Mostly I felt helpless and guilty that life goes on everyday like this everywhere and it seems like we can do little to make life better despite being a believer. I have a lot of love and care from family and brothers and sisters in the Lord although I am undeserving. This makes me feel guilty. Well at the end of the day, what can I say? I guess I hold onto the fact that God loves me. It is not about doing (what I do) or being (who I am) - [I am certainly not a great person.] It is about who He is. God is love. Although I cannot quite make meaning of what I experience today, tonight I rest on Psalm 131 --- My heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty, neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me. Lord, let me simply rest in your loving arms like a weaned child.

Jan 14, 2016

I had my 53rd birthday last Wednesday! I had initially planned to spend the day on the Peak with my husband and then with my family to fully enjoy the day. Then I decided I should spend the time to (semi-fast and) pray for my health and guidance on treatment. I wanted to plead for additional years of life to do a project. This summer I had proposed a program to a seminary. I felt that I had finally reached that point in my life to be seasoned enough as a clinician/teacher/trainer and mature enough as a Christian to conduct such programs. Unfortunately I discovered my cancer metastasized before I had the opportunity to even discuss the program with the administrator. I had wanted to run a program to serve the Lord. The Lord had chosen a different path for me. On my birthday it turned out I was I was drowsy all day and unable to focus on prayer. Finally I woke up from the afternoon nap and felt remorseful that I had wasted the day failing to pray and accomplishing nothing. In a split of a second, I suddenly became thankful for the small blessings I had throughout the day. I understood that by my own effort I cannot add an hour to my life – I must bow to the Lord’s sovereign good will. I felt a great relief. On the other hand, I have no clue and control over what will happen and do not know how to manage it. We can only walk by faith and this is a path we know very little. Please pray for (1)treatment plan, (2) Victor and I's faith journey, (3) God's healing. 上星期我過了53嵗生日！ 本打算那天到太平山和Victor 和家人好好享受美好的一天。 後來卻決定應該半禁食禱告，求神指引我治病的方向。我心中想求神加添我在世的日子，有健康能服侍祂! 因我心還是念念不忘想在神學院作一個生命成長課程，因爲我覺得自己終於有足夠的教學和督導經驗及靈命的成熟去辦這類的培訓課程來事奉神。 但我還未有機會和神學院詳細討論便已經發現自己的癌病復發和擴散了，我心中分失望，我渴望籍工作來事奉神， 祂卻為我預備一條不同的路。 生日那天我整天懨懨欲睡, 沒法專心禱告, 直到午睡後醒來心裏悔恨自己未能好好禱告, 但聖靈卻感動, 讓我深深感受到神在當天許多小事上的祝福, 我明白到我不能凴努力禱告去加添我在世的年日, 我只能靠神的恩典按祂的旨意而活! 這一方面叫人鬆一口氣, 但也叫我感到前路茫茫, 只能求主幫助我和Victor用信心一步一步走. 請代禱: 1) 醫生治療的方案, 2) 我和Victor同心走信心之路, 3) 神的大能醫治.