Sunday, April 25, 2010

April 25 Sunday Message

Today I went to a small church in Man Wan. I waited on the Lord expectantly for His message and indeed He touched me with the song, "主, 請你憐憫". I was deeply moved and the chorus is my prayer -- 主,請你憐憫,今興起我心,求能讓你愛,點燃這生.

The Lord reminded me that Paul was "poured out like a drink offering" in his GOOD FIGHT [2 Tim 4:6-7 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. NIV]. So far I may have lived a good life, however, I have not given my life fully and solely to His cause.

The sermon today was on Philippians Phil 4:11-13
11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. NIV May the Lord help me cultivate contentment during this season of illness.

Please remember my friend's father in prayer - he has been bringing food + soup to me while having a serious heart condition!! Fortunately nothing has happened to him during this time. Pray for the procedures to be done smoothly and may the Lord bring him speedy recovery.

Friday, April 23, 2010

April 23 I am Okay

Folks are a bit worried about me after my last blog entry.

I am actually doing pretty good. Hospital settings stir up fears (more so than in a private office/clinic). Fears come and go; but when they come, it is an opportunity to confront them and understand them in greater depth. This way I can master my own fears and develop empathy for others. Otherwise I "waste" this learning opportunity. (A friend directed me to John Piper's short but well-written article on "Don't waste your cancer." [You can download the article and other books for free on www.desiringgod.org. I like the way he does his book ministries!]

On Tuesday I read more on gender differences on religiosity and started writing on the subject. I am praying to learn how to write in the presence of God (instead of dreading them as work). For many year I have tried to learn from Frank Laubach. He wrote Letters By A Modern Mystic -, one of the best book on practicing the presence of God. The book is out of print though. To my surprise - I just found it online now for download. (http://www.cfointernational.org/pdf/Letters%20By%20A%20Modern%20Mystic.pdf). It is a must-read!

On Wed I attended a seminar to make sure I am doing exercise correctly; then I joined my colleagues presenting our research findings at a church. I got very tired afterewards and realized I need to monitor my activity level to a point where I can feel alive and purposeful without getting too tired. In the past I think I have overworked myself without attending to my bodily needs. Hopefully I would change my lifestyle. Yesterday my sister came to help me work on the water filter. This water filter is a fancy one! (Gift from a friend, thank you!) We decided to pay for a technician to ensure it is working right. It is good to try it ourselves though!

Please pray for next Tuesday and Thurday as I have a ministry opportunity. It is important to me and I would have the peace of mind to start chemotherapy. Home help is getting in shape. At first I was reluctant to have another person in our 488 sq feet apartment. Now I have adapted and will make the best out of it. Now I get up early, do devotion and have my 1st around of exercise, this way I can be at home when home help arrives. I decide to take this opportunity to learn cooking and try out new dishes since I now have help.

By the 1st week of May, I should be ready for chemotherapy. Thanks for being there for me!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

April 20 Some Paradoxes

Yesterday my morning routine of devotion and exercise was disrupted because the home help came in the morning. Not good missing that personal time to anchor in the Lord. Afterwards I rushed to the hospital – regarding the treatment it was somewhat as expected. I was prepared to ask about 2 chemotherapy regimens – FAC versus TAC. I have second thoughts about my decision though - should I pay for a drug with more side effects because recent research suggests it increase the survival rate by a few percent or should I go with the regular regimen with fewer side effects and use the money for herbal medicine afterwards? It is a paradox - cancer drugs destroy the good and the bad. Will it work as a medicine or a poison in my body? I have to hold onto God who heals. Please pray for wisdom and peace.

Yesterday at the hospital I suddenly became fearful of remaining a patient, going in and out of hospital for the rest of my life. Thoughts of aging, declining health and death without the support of family and friends’ haunt me. I tried to restrain these “negative thoughts.” But then mindfulness training would suggest that we come to accept these thoughts and feelings. In order to break free from fears (of pain, illness, death, etc.) the only path is to face them as they are and accept them. Fears exist within us and not in the circumstances. I am learning to accept these realities of life. Perhaps I can find courage and strength when confronting with my own fears and frailties.

“Work” is tricky when one is in some serious illness. I feel bored, guilty and useless when I don’t do any work. However when I start working, I become easily frustrated because I cannot go full steam. This leads to self-doubt and feeling useless as well. Either way I don’t feel very good! I try to hold onto or look forward to a future work life and yet at the same time I am letting go of work aspirations. I think I would continue to live in this paradox – wanting to immerse in work and have contributions and yet needing to somewhat detach and not let work becomes the center of my life. Hopefully I put work in the right perspective.

I am embracing life and death at the same time!

At the end of the day when I prayed with Victor, I acknowledged that my condition is trivial compared to the earthquake victims and many other people in much more trying circumstances. Lord, grant me the strength to live each day to the best I can.

Please also pray that home help arrangements would work out as chemotherapy is starting soon! Really need God's blessing on that.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

April 15 The Spiritual Warfare

This blog entry is difficult to write and I debated whether to share it or not. I decided to do so because I have been asking you to pray with me. I am fighting a spiritual warfare. Cancer is only a disease; you may die if you lose the battle. But spiritual warfare has different implications beyond our knowledge.

A few months ago I have been dealing with my sins. They are not specific moral transgressions, rather they are thoughts or desires from within. Primarily I am struggling with pride and vanity, with other sins evolving around them. Pride and vanity are closely associated with "narcissism" in the modern sense, a topic I have examined both intellectually and personally since my graduate studies in psychology. The pride may have originated from a strong need to be affirmed and valued and I have always been driven by the fear of failure and fear of abandonment. [No matter how good one’s childhood maybe, there are some residual wounds.] As a psychotherapist, my viewpoint is that the need to be affirmed, loved and valued is only natural. Nevertheless when the natural human desire for love becomes tweaked, we should take it seriously. One can become success-driven, competitive for power, and attention/adoration craving as well resentful, angry and envious when such needs are not gratified. We need to confront them seriously as sin such that we can claim power from the Lord to triumph over them.

Psalms 51:5-6
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. NIV
I have been working on pride and vanity for quite a few years but more intensely in the past months. [Victor thinks I am a bit too preoccupied with this, which can also be related to my perfectionist and guilt-prone tendencies. So I need to be prudent. I do consider this a path for me to receive the Lord’s grace.] Pride (or narcissism) is difficult to fix. Humility is an antidote, so being humble is good. The only real cure though is to experience real love (from God and from people), then we do not need to crave for adoration and superiority. [In psychotherapy, Kohut uses the word “empathy”.] [Another side note: Writing a blog about my illness seems rather narcissistic too! : ) Hopefully staying truthful and honest about the experience counters it.]

During this time of struggle I had one eerie dream of a spiritual nature. Such dreams had occurred only a few times in my life. I usually do not share such unusual experiences with others as I regard them to be of a very personal nature between me and God. In the dream I noticed the tail of the serpent. I recognized this to be the Evil One and was alarmed. Before I could call on the name of the Lord for help, it had a firm bite holding onto my right hand. I was fearful in the dream and thought “I have to fight very hard this time.” I woke up feeling quite shaken. In the following weeks however I had been loaded with spiritual blessings – the Lord had granted me new insights, forgiveness of sins and assurances. I felt confident that the Lord would set me free and that perhaps my hand had already been released from the evil one's firm bite. When I was diagnosed with cancer – the “fighting very hard” took on a different meaning metaphorically. I realized then it was just the beginning.

While fighting cancer is not necessarily a spiritual warfare for everyone, it is the case for me. In some way the Lord had prepared me for it. The GOOD FIGHT is indeed a spiritual warfare. Ultimately we have only one enemy – the evil one.

Eph 6:12-14
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. NIV

1 Peter 4:1-3
Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. 2 As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.
NIV

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

April 13 Prescription for Myself

I just checked my blog and was surprised to find all your encouraging words. Thank you!!!!!

Yesterday turned out very smooth - I got an appointment for next Monday at Princess Margaret Hospital. Then I went back to Macau. With my sister's help, I managed to finish everything I need to get done for now. It was very tiring but I slept well last night. When riding on the ferry, I realized that I should prescribe some "psychological treatment" for myself as well. Here they are:

1. Integrate exerciseing with praise and prayer so that I can embrace the gift of life from God through exercising. (2 times a day)

2. Contact friends each day - meeting or phone call. (Once a day in the afternoon when I tend to feel down)

3. Seriously practice relaxation / mindfulness meditation with integration of a spiritual theme. [If you know a particularly good manual or scripts related to cancer, let me know.)

4. One short study on the word "heal" "healing" from the Bible each day starting with the O. T. word, rapha' (raw-faw'); or raphah (raw-faw'). Today is about Abraham praying to God for the healing of Abimelech (Genesis 20:17). "17 Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, his wife...."
The first time the word occurs is praying to God - and God heals. Your prayers make a huge difference! Thank you for remembering me.

5. Some focus time on work each day relying on His wisdom.

By the way, if you have a recommendation of a water filter in Hong Kong, let me know posting a comment or emailing me. I would like to purchase one.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

April 11 Need Your Prayer

Today is a particularly hard day. I notice that Sundays are hard because I am usually involved in church. Now I have to wait the long day for Victor to come home.

Tomorrow I am trying to go to the hospital to make an appointment for chemotherapy. Then I am heading back to Macau to settle various matters. It seems like it would be a long hard day and I am not sure I can handle it. The reality of the illness suddenly hit me very hard. Although I tried to fight off negative thoughts, I felt overwhelmed.

I need your prayer!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

April 10 My Brother

Somebody asked me when my brother would appear on my blog, so here it is!

My brother is the only son in the family. There are six of us – my four sisters, my brother and then I am the youngest.

My brother is about 2.5 years older. He was my playmate in my early years. As a young child, I spent more time playing marbles, 武俠功夫, guns and arrows, etc. more than dolls. He was quite a creative boy who taught me to use a yoyo as a fishing rod on top of our bunk bed. This bunk bed could change any minute to be a ship, a double-deck bus, a tent and many other things. One time he played doctor, cut my doll open and then stitched it back. My sisters were quite upset because the doll was expensive but I admired him for the discovery of what the doll was made of. He was destined to be a medical doctor.

My brother also taught me how to play chess, Monopoly and card games (e.g. show hand). I could win when the games involve a combination of luck and skill. However I always got beaten hard when it came to Chinese chess and Chess. As a young child I could not understand that a 3-year age gap makes a huge difference in cognitive development. I simply wanted badly to “measure up” some day and be as good as my brother.

I caught on his creativity in imaginative play and it stayed with me for many years. As a play therapist, I engaged well playing with boys. I was particularly skilful in letting the child win without their knowing it. I still love the pre-school age and always incorporate some fantasy play in my Sunday school class.

I learned very young that being male is important. Before long I discovered that my mother was expecting me to be a son based on the fortune-teller’s forecast. Since then I have always want to make sure I am as good as a son. It is hard to measure up when your brother is quite a smart guy. He got 五優四良 for the HKCEE (會考). When I took the exam, I also got 五優四良; however he got 5As & 4 Bs. I got 5As, 2 Bs and 2Cs. I was disappointed!! I was surprised I compared myself with my brother instead of my peers at school. After secondary school, we went our separate ways. I pursued an overseas education and there was no need to compare myself with him any more. By the way I did beat him in getting a PhD degree first!

Regarding the struggle about being "as good as a son," I cannot put the blame on my brother. It is a familial as well as cultural issue, perhaps a reality for woman in our generation. A few years before my mom passed away, she told me I was better than a few sons. Although I still struggle with womanhood, I know I measure up and I am just as worthy as a son.

The Lord has blessed me with a good brother. He is always there when I am in various life crises. Perhaps because I played well with him and tried to measure up without being competitve, I have always get along with guys at work and at church. Therefore I have many good brothers in the Lord too!

Friday, April 9, 2010

April 9 Today

Today I attended the seminar 「信徒靈性發展研究」發佈會 organized by our research team. We are a research team invested in exploring faith development issues.

We have planned this seminar long before my diagnosis of breast cancer. At first I was disappointed I would not be able to make it. But then I have not started my chemotherapy yet so I prayed that I would be strong enough to attend. I was so happy to be there! My colleagues were kind and let me participate in the presentation. I could feel my energy in action! Better still, I did not feel the usual pressure to perform and do well. I was simply thankful to be a part of the event and for the privilege to participate in the research study. While I hope that I can continue to contribute to the project, I also can let go if this is not be God’s priority for me. May God raise more young researchers to do His good work!

Thank you for all your kind words! The blog is therapeutic for me as I record my experiences and write down the lessons learned. I know the Lord is reshaping my life. You would keep me accountable in the days to come so that I can abide by what the Lord has taught me.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

April 7 Survival Rates and Life Priorities

Yesterday I searched articles and read about breast cancer survival rates. Guess which search word I used – “cancer mortality” or “cancer survival”? I used “Survival”!! : )
The National Cancer Institute actually has a web site where you can input information to get statistics on the probability of developing or dying from different types of cancer based on age, race and other factors. Of course you can also look up survival rates.

Victor did not want me to spend too much energy reading on the subject. So I limited myself to basic information such as 5-year survival rates for breast cancer based on type of cancer, size of the tumor and lymph node involvement. I like to know the objective facts. It actually helps me cope with the reality of cancer.

“Do not deny or desire death but embrace it so that you will learn how to truly live.” This is a quote from a cancer survivor. I cannot agree more. Since most studies talk about 5-year survival rates, I begin to seriously consider what my priorities are if I have 5 years. To be honest I do not have a lot of priorities. First, I can be easily replaced. The projects I have begun (programs, research, student ministries, speaking engagements, etc.) can easily be picked up by others and I won’t be surprised at all they can do a better job. Second, I do not have kids. So I do not have any obligatory responsibility. My only “responsibility” is to resolve the mortgage issue so that it would not become a financial burden for Victor. Third, I have lived a good life. I have been a secretary, a youth counselor, a psychologist, a university professor (although not promoted to a full professor yet), a pastor’s wife, a Sunday school teacher, etc. I even get a taste of missionary life in Macau (although I have not led anyone to Christ there yet.) I have grown to become more than I can ever imagine as a child. Yes, there are a lot more things I can do. I can still “advance” in my career or “expand” my services/ministries. Victor said I have not yet lived to the fullest potential with the gifts and talents the Lord has given me, blah, blah, blah… Yes, but I think ultimately this is not very important either. I remembered reading an article about Billy Graham a few years ago. His wife had passed away and his health was declining. He noted that the most important is about loving God, not the accomplishments he had valued at a younger age. Yes, my priority is to love God and may He teach me how to love Him more and more! I learned during my hospitalization that I do not have to do more to be received by the Lord. Rather God loves us so much that He sent His son on earth to become man, to suffer and die on the cross to save us. We rely on His love, not what we have accomplished or not accomplished on earth. I do not need to worry if I have “done my job well” on earth. His love is sufficient and His forgiveness is complete. We hold onto this reality.

When Victor and I returned to Hong Kong, I thought I had 20 years. Then I recognized that retirement age in Hong Kong is 60 and so I reduced the time to 15 years. Now I realized I may have few years than that. My perspective really changed. It now becomes the first 2 years (recurrence of cancer usually occurs in 2 years), then 5 years, and then perhaps 10-year-survival. Perhaps even longer… From this angle, the priorities are really different from simply assuming you have 15 years ahead to make plans.

Indeed the Lord is teaching me how to live when I embrace death. Death is only a passage to the real life. George MacDonald has an excellent book At the Back of the North Wind. Death is but an entrance to the “real country.” [It is supposed to be a children’s book but I think only adults can really understand it.] The survival statistics are useful; they remind me to live each day starting from today.

Monday, April 5, 2010

April 5 My Sisters

My dad passed away 4 months after I got married. Being the youngest in the family, I was fearful that someday my siblings would pass away too and I would be left alone to wait for my time to come. So I jokingly told my sisters that I would rather die first so that they can take care of me.

I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. My oldest sister studied abroad when I was still young, thus my memories of her are vague. My second sister was the disciplinarian who kept an eye on us to make sure we study hard and keep proper manners, etc. My third sister was the soft one, who cared for the younger ones; I slept with her till about 10 or 11 when I could have my own bed. She claimed that she carried my diaper bag when I was still an infant. My fourth sister was the one whose path I followed; we went to the same school and she held my hand as we trod through the long flight of steps. My brother had a unique role as the only son of the family and he deserved one separate blog entry.

My parents brought us up well so that the older ones always take responsibility for the younger ones. Being the youngest, I had the privilege of being cared for. On the other hand though, I tended to be dependent. It took me many years studying and working abroad to become independent.

In many capacities I can be a caretaker. However when I am with my sisters, I become the little sister again. It was a shocking experience to Victor when we first got married. I insisted on buying a particular bed because my sister had recommended it. I felt somewhat obliged to listen and follow. [Victor quickly learned that it would only be wise not to inform my sisters everything.] Today my sisters still carry the heavy load if we go shopping together. They guide me across the road to make sure I don’t get knocked down by cars. Certainly they take care of me in times of sickness. When I was in hospital my sisters took turns to bring me food. I noticed that once I said I had eaten enough, they finished the leftovers, just like the old days when we were kids. They held my hand to help me walk, helped me brush my teeth and wash myself. Déjà vu! Fortunately they didn’t have to carry any diapers this time.

The Lord has blessed me with wonderful sisters. I feel sorry they have to always worry about me and take care of me. I try to revisit my feelings of dependency. As a child dependency is associated with timidity, helplessness and weakness. I have worked very hard to move away from those feelings and become my own self. As an adult I am still ambivalent. I want to try to receive their loving care with gratitude and accept my dependency needs with grace. The Lord willing, perhaps I would live longer than them and have opportunities to bless them in some special way in the future.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

April 3 A thought on Hope

Yesterday was a lousy day. I felt tired all day and was unmotivated to do anything. Wasn’t sure whether it was physical or psychological. I doubted my body would ever recover. First, my “straightening up” seems to be very slow. Second, I am gradually integrating the scars as part of my new body. Third, the reality is that chemotherapy, radiotherapy and hormonal therapy all have their side effects and may have long-term impact on the body. It is difficult to imagine that I can become “better.”

No wonder Job began to curse his date of birth (Job 3) when he was in great pain and anguish. He could not see beyond his suffering and hope for any good in the future. In the midst of afflictions, who can imagine that there is light at the end of the tunnel? Does the tunnel even have an end?

Yesterday was Good Friday; I seem to easily identify with the disciples who fled. I wonder what they did between Good Friday and the Resurrection Day. What was there to hope for when Jesus was crucified? He was buried in a tomb with a stone at the entrance and guarded by soldiers (Matt 27:57-65). There was not much left to do – except to prepare spices for the anointing of the body. Who can ever envision resurrection?

I cannot know what would happen at the end of the journey. Or how the journey may end. I can hope for the best. Yet if I expect a particular outcome or circumstance, it is more than likely I would be disappointed. My body may not recover in the way I would want it to be. I need to place my hope in God Himself and to wait patiently for His good will.

Rom 8:24-25
24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. NIV

Friday, April 2, 2010

April 2 Treatment Plan

Yesterday evening I went to see the doctor to learn about the treatment plan. I am going to need to go through chemotherapy for the cancer (6 cylcles), radiation therapy and 5 years of hormonal therapy. No escape from anything. This is probably the standard treatment.

I am quite prepared for it because I got the preliminary report upon discharge from hospital. Although the information is somewhat technical, one can search the information on the internet or through Google Scholar to read research journal articles on the subject. I was relieved enough that it is not HER2 cancer. So I figured that I have Stage II cancer and since cancer has been spreaded to the lymph

Although I still dread the treatment, it seems that the best strategy is to prepare my body for it. The treatment will last for 6 months (estimated to end in Oct). So I have to figure out the best way to handle work. I really ask your prayers on this since I am also seeking the Lord’s will on whether He intends me to serve Him in different capacities.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April 1 Straigthen Up

Yesterday I received two emails from students trying to look for me. So I shared with them I have cancer and would not be available for appointments for a while. One has a problem and I tried to resolve it through email. One has good news and wants to celebrate with me face to face. It is unfortunate I cannot do so.

On regular work days there are many such interactions and sometimes we take them lightly. On sick days such interchange is savored. It is good to share life with others and I am thankful for the privilege to be a part of their lives.

I walk around Man Wan Island twice each day for fresh air and exercise. I am still working on my “shrimpy” body. It is hard to stretch the stiff body, particularly when my posture is not good in the first place due to long hours sitting at the desk. Now I have a new understanding of the phrase “straighten you up.” It does not happen in one instance, it requires regular stretching and exercising. It is certainly better to straighten ourselves up than to let others straighten us up!