Today I have my last session of radiotherapy! I came home and enjoyed a delightful shower! It is great after 5 weeks of having only partial showers. [Praise God my skin is still okay and I only need to be careful.]
One uncertainty that many cancer patients have to face is recurrence. I have pondered about this on and off during the course of treatment - Am I healed and would continue my "normal" life or would there be a recurrence of cancer somewhere down the road? Should I be prepared for a "shortened" life or should I look ahead to many more years on earth? The "control freak" in me wants to "know" to plan accordinly. Although I have wanted (and asked for) some signs or assurance from the Lord that I would have my "normal" life back, the Lord has not granted this wish. Instead I am reminded that God, the author of life, will write my life script. Therefore I could (or should) only surrender to His perfect plan. I will continue my life journey and fight the Good Fight as a Cheerful Helper until the time to meet Him arrives. [As Paul said in 2 Tim 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."]
THANK YOU and GOODBYE
I want to thank all of you for your support - your prayers, comments and words of encouragement have been a great blessing, carrying me through during this difficult time. Your prayer makes a difference!
Well, I am going to say GOODBYE here. [You can still share this blog with friends who may benefit from reading my experience during cancer.] If you are still interested to find out what is going on with me, I am moving onto a new blog at http://www.cheerfulhelper.blogspot.com.
I want to hear about how your life is going on as well. So do keep in touch!
Last Prayer Request
Please join me in praying for opportunities to have a ministry amongst students from mainland China in Macau. The Bible study group I tried to get going before breast cancer has "fallen apart," so I am praying for new directions.
With love,
Doris
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
October 7 Three Blessings in Illness
I have experienced God’s blessings more fully during my illness. Let me share with you my three highlights:
1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.
2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.
I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.
The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]
I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.
3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).
In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.
May we worship Him!
1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.
2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.
I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.
The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]
I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.
3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).
In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.
May we worship Him!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
October 6 Three Lessons Learned
I am counting down to 3 more radiotherapy sessions! My skin is alright and the doctor did not even prescribe anything for it. Now the sessions go quickly - I have learned to undress quickly and efficently place myself in the right (although still awkward) position. Now I focus on praying for only one thing and there is not really enough time to finish. Today I pray for my friend (same-age) on a short-term medical mission in Haiti. She is carrying 50 lbs of supplies and flying alone. May the Lord be with her; bless the team and use them to bring hope and healing to the people served.
As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.
First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.
Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.
Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.
May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!
As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.
First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.
Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.
Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.
May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
October 2 Three Signs of Recovery
There are some signs of recovery!
First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.
Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.
Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.
I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.
First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.
Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.
Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.
I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.
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