Sunday, June 27, 2010

June 27 Back on Track?

Yesterday morning I woke up with a not-so-pleasant dream. The new semester started and it was the first day of class - somehow the enrolment, the scheduling, the room arrangements were all messed up and I could not manage to get the course going. The course was “History of Psychology” that I knew nothing about. I told Victor the only thing I did right in the dream was speaking in English – at least I retained some skills. I noted my anticipation anxiety about the upcoming semester is two months in advance. Yes, everything needs to fit perfectly in the next 2 months – the 3 chemotherapy cycles cannot be delayed. The radiotherapy schedule needs to be in the morning so I have enough time to travel back for classes. Somehow I trust that it will all work out; nevertheless the dream reflects some latent anxiety!

My wishful thinking is that I don’t need to go back to work; the truth is I have to. Cancer does not exempt me from the realities of life. I have the privilege to take a nice break from various responsibilities, thanks to family and friends who pamper me with love and colleagues who support me with generosity. There is a part of me that wants to be lay back forever; the fact is my life is not just for me as I still have obligations to others. Moreover, my life belongs to my Creator and the only real choice is to acknowledge Him and surrender to Him willingly and joyfully. I have to admit that sometimes I resist this choice, feeling entitled to moan and groan and wanting to claim the right to do nothing! Unfortunately such resistance only makes one miserable.

I am not sure I can be back on track. For a while, I feel repulsive towards “work,” but these are the projects I have felt very passionate about – the faith-related research project with Christian colleagues, the opportunity to be involved in advancing clinical psychology / mental health in Macao, the leadership training / development work with college students, etc. I used to feel like a train on track, fueled by my passion and capabilities (from education and experience)and moving towards a clear destination. God was in all this as well, as I also had a ministry direction. In illness however I am so ready to just let go and everything seems illusive. I am shocked by how easily and readily my passion and my confidence collapsed. But then when my concern shifts to the protein content of soy drink and tofu, what passion can I retain? When I am clueless whether my body is generating enough new blood cells, what confidence can I hold onto? I am not sure whether Satan disrupts my plans or God shatters them in order to lead me to another path. I trust that ultimately God is sovereign and He uses every circumstance to work out His perfect plan.

I have to wait and see how I would return. My priorities have definitely changed. I have a better grasp that the end goal is about loving God and the activities are really just the means. I do not know whether I would be go back on the same path but walk it with a different inner quality or I will walk one step at a time to discover a new path. I am praying for two things in the future; not sure I can have both and whether the two can really co-exist although I desire both.

1. To live a life of giving and fight the GOOD FIGHT as Paul has:
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Tim 4:6-7

2. To live a happy life enjoying God’s gifts and not worrying about the longevity of life (and recurrence of cancer):
“Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work — this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Eccl 5:18-20
我所見為善為美的、就是人在神賜他一生的日子喫喝、享受日光之下勞碌得來的好處.因為這是他的分。 神賜人資財豐富、使他能以喫用、能取自己的分、在他勞碌中喜樂.這乃是神的恩賜。他不多思念自己一生的年日.因為神應他的心使他喜樂。

Saturday, June 19, 2010

June 19th A Father's Day Prayer

The side effects hit much harder this cycle and I do not seem to recuperate much even on Day 5. The nauseating stays. The ache on the veins from the intravenous drug injection gets worse. These days I am feeling intensely “the heart is willing” but both the body and the mind are weak. Would the frailty of my body weed out my spirit bit by bit? Can one really stay strong in the Lord as a bruised reed or smoldering wick?

Last night while searching for a verse for someone getting baptized today, I came across this prayer that I love dearly. A few years ago I meditated on this prayer daily for almost a year, asking the Lord to strengthen my inner being. This is a powerful prayer for all of us:

Eph 3:14-21

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. NIV

Happy Father’s Day in advance! Glory to our Father in Heaven.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

June 16 Day after 3rd chemotherapy

Yesterday’s chemotherapy shot was smooth.

I was however quite annoyed when the nurse told me to improve my “psychological quality” (心理質素) and to adopt a “positive attitude” towards the drug treatment. This was her encouragement in response to my slight reaction to the sensations during the shot. I wanted to snap back and gave her a lecture on patients’ conditioned response to shots due to our body often being handled roughly. Plus what does she know about psychological quality anyway? Blah, blah, blah!

But then she was just trying to be helpful. I realized I am also guilty of the same thing too – giving people a pat answer such as “just try to be positive” or “the Lord will help you,” blah, blah, blah…without really standing in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspectives and share the pain. This reminds me of the movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) I recommended a while ago. The Christians friends were very nice to the mother (the protagonist who lost her son due to a kidnap-murder), taking her out on her birthday and bringing her nice flowers. However none of them were ever in her home to mourn with her during her painful moments. They held a prayer meeting to pray for her but they were not there to listen to her anger and hurt. None of them visited when she became suicidal. Most of us want to keep a safe distance; it is difficult to really enter into suffering with others. May the Lord grant us the capacity to love and embrace others exactly where they are.

In the afternoon I could not nap, so I watched a movie on Mei Ah Movie Channel [我爱奇诺奥 / 机器人奇诺丘] Hinokio: Inter Galactic Love. It is a wonderful Japanese movie about a boy who withdrew into his own world after a car accident, losing his legs and his beloved mother. He lived through the robot Hinokio. The movie really captured the loneliness of kids. On the bright side, the friendships and their capacity to love and reach out heal one another. There are funny as well as touching moments. I was moved to tears and had a good cry because it stirred up memories of childhood sorrows and longings. God speaks to me through movies too.

Thank you for your prayers. Today I felt a lot better.

Monday, June 14, 2010

June 14 Ready for 3rd Round

Tomorrow will be the 3rd round of chemotherapy.

Today is medical check up day and thankfully I am ready for the next round of chemotherapy. It was nice that my sister was with me, validating that the long wait can be trying. Waiting can wear one out!

My study on “Healing” in the Bible has moved to the New Testament. I am now studying the word “therapeuo.” The most encouraging is that Jesus took the initiation of “teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.” (Matthew 4:23). “This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: "He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases." (Matthew 8:17).

The Lord gave me the same passage for the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Isa 53:4
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, NIV
4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; NASU

For the 2nd round of chemotherapy, my focus was on 53:5
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. NIV

Today I noted that my hope is in His love alone. In sickness I realize I may not be able to do anything and I may become a nobody. Without His love, life will then be meaningless. With His love, it would be totally different.

Rom 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We can be more than conqueors through Him who loved us. Honestly I do not know how exactly this works. Lord, only help us hold onto Your love!

Monday, June 7, 2010

June 7th Tears Come and Go

These days I do become a bit “touchy.” Victor was a bit worried when he noticed me in tears for nothing. I explained to him that in usual days I am always in gear ready to handle all sorts of responsibilities with little room to experience emotions more fully. Tears are not bad. They can be joyful tears too. Oftentimes I am deeply moved by gratefulness. Other times I am just keenly aware of my own physical and emotional vulnerabilities. Feelings come and go. The key is to turn all our emotions to God; the Holy Spirit will guide us to look beneath and beyond the emotions so that we may know who we are and who God is.

I am becoming more thankful for this “mandated retreat” that allows me to let down my usual defenses. [Or was I stripped of my usual defense mechanisms? Of course this is a matter of perspective as well!] Positive thinking and coping skills are good. They have carried me a long way in life. But the Lord uses this illness (and the need for isolation) to carve out time and space for me to immerse in self reflection, personal “therapy" and soul searching.
Ps 27:13-14: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. NIV

After my last blog entry I was bogged down about food again when my sister said I was not eating enough meat. This led to an obsessive internet search on protein intake, careful examination of the nutritional value of different brands, followed by an attempt to calculate my daily intake. Of course there are all these controversies about what is good and what is bad. It makes me feel like whatever I do, it is wrong or at least not good nough. Finally I stopped and decided to take it easy. It seems like I would still need to gobble up more food this week to prepare for the 3rd shot next week. Thank you for sharing with me in this journey.

Friday, June 4, 2010

June 4th Secret Sunshine 密陽

I had the opportunity to watch an excellent movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) on TV. It is a thought-provoking film with a strong religious motif. The story was about a single mother who moved to her husband’s place of birth (the city Milyang 密陽) after his death. Despite her efforts to start a new life, her only son was kidnapped and murdered. Struggling in the grieving process, she turned to Christianity. After making some apparent strides, she sought to forgive the killer and share Christ with him, only to find that he had already received forgiveness from God while imprisoned. This outcome shocked her and she became furious at God, perhaps for the fact that while she was barely coping with the loss of his son, the killer had already been blessed with peace. (Or, perhaps she felt that God had robbed her of the opportunity to forgive the killer.) She became self-destructive and eventually suicidal, resulting in hospitalization. The ending is kind of “interesting.”

This film has received several awards including best actress award for Festival de Cannes. Indeed actress Jeon Do-yeon deserved it. Reviews I found on the internet tend to see the movie as a critic toward religion, I understand it a bit differently. Initially I was somewhat “disappointed” that the movie does not have a good ending, not the “final conclusion” we may prefer as Christian. But after a few days of reflection and attending to some of the details in the movie, I was greatly inspired and uplifted. The director certainly understood and addressed issues of forgiveness, faith, sovereignty of God, etc. in great depth. Indeed God works in mysterious ways and there is a "secret sunshine" for everyone, in ways we may neither comprehend, accept or appreciate.

My condition this week
I am actually doing pretty well. Although my appetite is supposed to be bad, I have never been eating so well in my life. I had 3 full meals each day plus snacks. Everyday I have fruits (of different kinds) and I really attend to the nutritional value of the food. I realized in the past I only shuffled food in – justified by work stress, hectic schedule and other so-called priorities. Perhaps I have to relearn the basics of life, to breathe better, eat better, sleep better, etc. in order to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of living. By the way, I also cooked dinner almost every night this week. Victor was impressed with my cooking; he would have proposed to me had I not been already married to him!

My complaint is that my mind does not focus very well. I have forgotten several of my passwords and messed up my bank accounts. It is humbling for someone who takes pride in her “incredible” memory and “sharp” mind. Some days I cannot even write my blog because my mind is fuzzy. Today comes as a surprise as I write with ease. There are times even praying comes in fleeting thoughts and I am not sure what I have prayed about. But then it is not a matter of the content but the heart that counts. "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind" (Jer 17:10) and therefore we can only surrender our heart and mind to Him.

My friend noticed that there are some differences between my blog and Victor's blog in describing some of my chemotherapy side effects. I tend to report more on the positive and downplay the negative sensations because I don't want cancer or chemotherapy to "take over" my life. Victor is attentive to my symptoms because I tend to be whiny when I am with him. My veins are still somewhat swollen due to the injection. So I ask you to pray that it would be better before the 3rd shot.

Thank you for all your support!!