August 26, 2015

After two weeks, I have gained better perspective of my illness. First, I continue to get myself ready to meet my Lord. Second, I continue to hope in God for His healing mercies. Third, I am learning to live day by day. Finally, I ask God if there is anything God wants me to do on earth. I have begun this new target drug for two weeks now. The side effects are manageable so far. I had some rash. Pray that the doctor will find out if it is effective or not soon enough. Do not worry about our financial needs – we will use our savings first. It is not like this drug can be effective for many years. So, we are taking one step at a time. The pain has increased. So whether it is this drug or another chemotherapy drug, the goal now is to contain the cancer as much as possible to reduce the pain and harm to the body, until one day nothing is effective or the body wears out. I earnestly pray that the Lord will give me strength in this process – I do not want to become bitter or angry in the midst of pain, or to feel far from His Love. I started going through my things – reading my devotional journal during teenage years (I was so very disciplined in writing them!), going through graduation pictures, listening to old tapes, remembering the first time I was interpreter for worship, etc… Of course, the wonderful time I have spent with you. Thank God for this Blessed Life! 經過兩週後，我對自己的病情有了較清晰的理解和接受。 首先，求主幫助我準備好迎見祂的面。二，我繼續仰望上帝醫治的恩典。三，我學習每一天生活一天。最後就是： 神還有甚麽要我做的嗎？ 這個新的標靶藥物我已經開始兩個星期了。其副作用還可以， 目前只有些出疹。我的禱告是醫生能盡快知道它是否有效。抱歉讓大家擔心我們的藥費- 我們將先使用儲蓄， 一步一步行。這種藥物也不是可以有效多年的， 但現時可以試試。 我的疼痛有所增加！ 因此無論是這種標靶藥物或其他化療藥，現在的目標是要壓低癌細胞，盡可能減輕疼痛和對身體其他的器官的危害，直到有一天沒有什麼是有效或身體耗盡。我懇切地祈求上帝會給我力量經歷這個過程 - 我不想因痛苦變得苦毒， 埋怨或憤怒，或感到遠離神的愛。請為我禱告！ 我繼續收拾我的東西 – 翻看我在青少年時期的靈修日記（我以前是多麼有紀律的寫下每天的學習！），畢業照片，看到第一次在崇拜做翻譯的秩序表，結婚照等等。當然還有跟你們分享的許多經歷！ 我一一為此感謝上帝的祝福！

2015 August 11 entry

Dear Friends, I have not sent an update through email for a while. Well, after my recurrence in 2013 I had a 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen, which finished in May 2015. I celebrated briefly and went to Shanghai with Victor for a few days. I felt energized and prayed for a job in Hong Kong as I finally resigned from University of Macau. It was a really hard goodbye. The past it is also a slow process of loss, of letting go, of accepting my lot and ultimately to submit to God's sovereign good will. I have become less focused on my thoughts and feelings and rarely write down my reflections, which is why I had not sent an email update for a while. After the 1-year no pay leave of absence from University of Macau, I want to find a job in Hong Kong so that I can engage in something more meaningful. Unfortunately most doors were closed. I have the feeling that God is showing me to say goodbye to my career. On the other hand, there are always physical ailments here and there to remind me that I cannot simply move on. While on the numbers (cancer markers) appear decent, I started having some pain which became more intense in July. Finally I had a PET/CT early August and sure enough there were metastases here and there, and mostly in the lungs. By now I am quite prepared for the results although it was still hard. Just got feedback from the doctor recommending a new target therapy. I have read about it from journal articles almost a year ago. In fact I was about the request that treatment because I am not sure if it is offered in Hong Kong. So I am all ready to accept that except the price tag scares me to death!! Close to HKD$20,000 a month (US$2500. It is like burning money. I hope to find out whether it is effective at all soon. If not I would not go back to traditional chemotherapy. I would seek palliative care for the final stage. I still want life. But I am praying more for the ability to endure pain during this final stage. I want to transition to the new life and new body feeling hopeful. I am embracing God and that death is only the passage. I pray to be in good spirits (godly spirit) and not doubt His love for me. I have lived a life well loved by others. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my being for all of you. You have blessed my life. I probably would not send updates anymore but may write an entry for those interested to find out what is going on at http://www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com I