For a few days, I let go of my efforts.
I had a blessed experience Saturday night. I sat close to the window, watching the magnificent lightning and thunderstorms. I felt sheltered under His wings. As I drifted into the Christian music, I prayed, not so much with words but just as I am. The Lord drew me into His presence. He carried me in His love and I rested in Him. It was silent beyond words.
(Zeph 3:17)
“He will be quiet in His love (NASU)
“He will quiet you in His love (NIV)
As we surrender, His love is there.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
May 27 2nd Round
Tuesday
Tuesday I had my second shot of chemotherapy. Since I am more familiar with the steps, it went smoothly. The Lord had this verse to prepare me: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) No suffering on earth is comparable to His and He chose this path so that by his wounds we are healed.
My home-help's son was sick so she had to take off early to care for him. I managed with my sister's help on Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom when to have the home-help back because I need to be extra cautious about infection.
In the middle of the night I had diarrhea. The abdominal cramps were scary. Initially I was not sure how bad it would be and whether we would need to go to the emergency room. In pain and panic my confidence collapsed – not sure whether I can manage the 6 cycles. I called upon the Lord to help me and thankfully I was able to fall asleep again and had a good rest.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling fine again. I praised the Lord for carrying me through. This incident was minor but I still felt totally wiped out and unmotivated – don’t care about news, TV or anything. I just managed our meals without the home-help. Victor was exhausted too because of the evening class and helping me through in the middle of the night. Once again I am reminded that my taste of "suffering" is trivial compared to what our Lord had gone through.
Balding
By the way, my “balding” is almost complete over the weekend. Victor captured that the shredding process was worst than being bald. Hair was everywhere, sometimes appearing in the food and water. People had warned me in advance but it was still gross. Victor was quick to sweep the floor and clean the tub so I did not have to deal with the mess too much. His sensitivity was a nice surprise to be commended!
It is difficult to imagine that God cares about each piece of our hair!
I have been wearing my blue hat almost all the time now to keep my head warm. With the blue mask, I am now visibly a cancer patient!
Today
While I know that “doing” is not everything, I am not sure if I am “being” much either. “Doing” can be observed, described and even quantified. “Being” is hard to define. What is my “being” now? Today I desired to be the Lord’s baby, resting in His lap.
Not sure what to ask you to pray for. The Holy Spirit would know!
Tuesday I had my second shot of chemotherapy. Since I am more familiar with the steps, it went smoothly. The Lord had this verse to prepare me: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) No suffering on earth is comparable to His and He chose this path so that by his wounds we are healed.
My home-help's son was sick so she had to take off early to care for him. I managed with my sister's help on Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom when to have the home-help back because I need to be extra cautious about infection.
In the middle of the night I had diarrhea. The abdominal cramps were scary. Initially I was not sure how bad it would be and whether we would need to go to the emergency room. In pain and panic my confidence collapsed – not sure whether I can manage the 6 cycles. I called upon the Lord to help me and thankfully I was able to fall asleep again and had a good rest.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling fine again. I praised the Lord for carrying me through. This incident was minor but I still felt totally wiped out and unmotivated – don’t care about news, TV or anything. I just managed our meals without the home-help. Victor was exhausted too because of the evening class and helping me through in the middle of the night. Once again I am reminded that my taste of "suffering" is trivial compared to what our Lord had gone through.
Balding
By the way, my “balding” is almost complete over the weekend. Victor captured that the shredding process was worst than being bald. Hair was everywhere, sometimes appearing in the food and water. People had warned me in advance but it was still gross. Victor was quick to sweep the floor and clean the tub so I did not have to deal with the mess too much. His sensitivity was a nice surprise to be commended!
It is difficult to imagine that God cares about each piece of our hair!
I have been wearing my blue hat almost all the time now to keep my head warm. With the blue mask, I am now visibly a cancer patient!
Today
While I know that “doing” is not everything, I am not sure if I am “being” much either. “Doing” can be observed, described and even quantified. “Being” is hard to define. What is my “being” now? Today I desired to be the Lord’s baby, resting in His lap.
Not sure what to ask you to pray for. The Holy Spirit would know!
Monday, May 24, 2010
May 24 Pass the Test
It was a long wait at the hospital today for the final check. I started to a bit anxious while waiting. What if my numbers are not "good enough" for the 2nd round of chemotherapy?! Fortunately the doctor said OKAY! I passed the test. Although my white blood count was indeed low on the 14th day, it went up again today so I am ready for tomorrow. I resisted the temptation to ask for the exact number because I woould not have any real control over it anyway. As long as she said I am fine doing the 2nd round, I am just going to take it as is.
Pray for my 2nd shot tomorrow. Pray for 1) a restful sleep tonight 2) my veins to be "cooperative", 3) receive the shot joyfully from the Lord as His healing agent.
Thank you!
Pray for my 2nd shot tomorrow. Pray for 1) a restful sleep tonight 2) my veins to be "cooperative", 3) receive the shot joyfully from the Lord as His healing agent.
Thank you!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May 23 God Moved My Cheese
God had “moved my cheese.” He provides manna instead.
Deut 8:3
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
During this time of illness, the Lord has indeed provided His manna each day. It appears in different forms, at different times and in different places. Sometimes a Bible verse, a call from a long-lost friend, an unexpected email from a colleague at the right time, an old hymn that drifts back to memory, kind gestures from family and friends, a magazinge article on a relevant topic, a thought provoking movie, sunlight through the clouds, etc. They are certainly blessings to be thankful for.
However I have some mild ambivalence too. First I am accustomed to relying on myself and finding cheese on my predictable path. I live on feelings of accomplishment; therefore my day is usually packed with activities to ensure I can achieve something. Next I schedule in pleasures and rewarding interactions with people. But now I am deprived of the familiar sources of satisfactions. Instead of cheese, I need to live on something different. There is a small part of me that wonders whether there would be sufficient manna to meet my daily needs throughout the treatment process. [But if I believe it to be manna, then it should be daily and throughout the journey to the promised land.] Another concern is whether my taste would change after this ordeal. Would I be having manna or still craving for cheese? I hope that I can have a renewed understanding of accomplishments. For now, let me allow myself to be a passive recipient of others’ love and care, cherishing them as God’s instruments of blessings. Since loving God with all our heart, soul & mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the most important in life, perhaps it is the right track for me to start.
Let me share my manna today with you:
Ps 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. NASU
Let me trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). He will ACCOMPLISH!
Deut 8:3
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
During this time of illness, the Lord has indeed provided His manna each day. It appears in different forms, at different times and in different places. Sometimes a Bible verse, a call from a long-lost friend, an unexpected email from a colleague at the right time, an old hymn that drifts back to memory, kind gestures from family and friends, a magazinge article on a relevant topic, a thought provoking movie, sunlight through the clouds, etc. They are certainly blessings to be thankful for.
However I have some mild ambivalence too. First I am accustomed to relying on myself and finding cheese on my predictable path. I live on feelings of accomplishment; therefore my day is usually packed with activities to ensure I can achieve something. Next I schedule in pleasures and rewarding interactions with people. But now I am deprived of the familiar sources of satisfactions. Instead of cheese, I need to live on something different. There is a small part of me that wonders whether there would be sufficient manna to meet my daily needs throughout the treatment process. [But if I believe it to be manna, then it should be daily and throughout the journey to the promised land.] Another concern is whether my taste would change after this ordeal. Would I be having manna or still craving for cheese? I hope that I can have a renewed understanding of accomplishments. For now, let me allow myself to be a passive recipient of others’ love and care, cherishing them as God’s instruments of blessings. Since loving God with all our heart, soul & mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the most important in life, perhaps it is the right track for me to start.
Let me share my manna today with you:
Ps 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. NASU
Let me trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). He will ACCOMPLISH!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
May 18 Hair Loss Day
Today is a day full of mixed emotions.
First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]
I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.
In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical check up. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.
Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]
I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.
In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical check up. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.
Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
May 16 Mandatory Retreat
Last week I was easily tired and at times slightly dizzy. I noticed I felt much better physically by Friday (Day 11 of the chemotherapy cycle) but this may also be due to having my favorite Starbucks Mocha.
The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5
1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Isn’t this a great passage?!
I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.
I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."
The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5
1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Isn’t this a great passage?!
I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.
I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."
Friday, May 14, 2010
May 14 Food
Food has been an issue for me. It is a source of pleasure, responsibility and burden.
In the beginning, food is a source of pleasure! Mom rewarded us with snacks after homework, getting a good grade or simply being good. When I observed her cooking in the kitchen, she would cut a chunk of carrot or steam a piece of shrimp and stick it in my mouth. Lots of warmth and love associated with food!
In college I learned to manage cooking myself. Food was still a major source of gratification (now more complex than the simple pleasure)after a long day of study or a stressful exam. It was also important when partying with other students. Being a good cook was also associated with feminity - i.e. wife material. It was then my own responsibility to manage food purchase, cooking and clean up. It could be burdensome when busy and dangerously a craving on days when I longed to be cared for. When I started working and eating out became affordable, it gradually developed into a convenient way to reduce stress, to socialize with friends and to cut time spent on household chores.
After marriage and as a working pastor’s wife, food became mostly a demanding burden. First cooking is the primary household responsibility of the wife. Second I am now in charge of our health through proper food choices. Third a pastor’s wife needs to cook for others -- hospitality is important in pastoral ministries, especially in North America. There are lots of guilt feelings revolving around eating out and throwing away money, wasting time on cooking and dinner events and lack of motivation to improve cooking skills. My new guideline is 1) finish cooking, eating and cleaning up within an hour (with husband’s help), 2) eat out only with family and friends for socializing (or ministry) purposes for proper use of money , 3) “fast” food for lunch with the computer to save time, and 4) gratify self with food for good and bad events (due to limited sources of pleasures and stress-relief other than food.) My food choices are rather limited because I want to control time spent on purchasing (get the same thing from the same place without having to think) and cooking (quick and simple). I also like predictable pleasures ordering the same dish from chain restaurants – Starbucks mocha, Macaroni Grill seafood linguine, Maxim 雞鴨飯, ….
In illness food takes on a new meaning. It is now my primary duty! I can understand how people develop eating disorders – an excessive focus on food and eating is not good! Now I have to eat regardless of appetite. Nutrition is crucial and food preparation requires careful monitoring of hygiene. For cancer patients, environmental contamination is a scare. For breast cancer patients, my beloved chicken has suddenly turned into the ultimate estrogen-ized enemy.
“Give us this day our daily bread” (from the Lord’s Prayer) had been my prayer for a friend who has leukemia – to be able to take in food is a gift. Now I pray the same prayer for myself. I have to be thankful that so far my appetite is reasonablly well and I can take in food. After the chicken obsession and brief paranoia on germs a few days ago, I decide to further re-orient my attitude towards food.
I want to be thankful that God has given us every living thing for food. (Genesis 9:3“Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.” ). I pray for the healing of our water (2 Kings 2: 21-22) and our land (2 Chronicles 7: 14); help us take proper care of our environment so our food source can be healthy. I hope to receive (and enjoy?) food as a gift from God and not as a source of stress-relief and gratification of unknown emotional needs. I am not sure if I can take responsibility for health and nutritional needs within reasonable time and I pray that the Lord will guide me. [Perhaps there can be more 食療 restaurants and stores to help ignorant people like me!]
Now I am making an effort to “enjoy” trying new dishes since there is home-help to do the shopping and preparation of food. I can be the head chef. I had acne for the past few days due to perhaps side effects of chemotherapy or just lowered immunity. These pimples hurt! So I tried to put bitter melon juice on it to relieve the pain and then...why not cook a bitter melon dish?! Yesterday I tried bitter melon spareribs. First time I cooked this dish because I had always hated bitter melon. Surprisingly it was very good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coincidence or not, my pimples are better today.
Well so much for my food adventure! Give us this day our daily bread – may God bless us with the nutrition we need each day to strengthen our body for His use.
In the beginning, food is a source of pleasure! Mom rewarded us with snacks after homework, getting a good grade or simply being good. When I observed her cooking in the kitchen, she would cut a chunk of carrot or steam a piece of shrimp and stick it in my mouth. Lots of warmth and love associated with food!
In college I learned to manage cooking myself. Food was still a major source of gratification (now more complex than the simple pleasure)after a long day of study or a stressful exam. It was also important when partying with other students. Being a good cook was also associated with feminity - i.e. wife material. It was then my own responsibility to manage food purchase, cooking and clean up. It could be burdensome when busy and dangerously a craving on days when I longed to be cared for. When I started working and eating out became affordable, it gradually developed into a convenient way to reduce stress, to socialize with friends and to cut time spent on household chores.
After marriage and as a working pastor’s wife, food became mostly a demanding burden. First cooking is the primary household responsibility of the wife. Second I am now in charge of our health through proper food choices. Third a pastor’s wife needs to cook for others -- hospitality is important in pastoral ministries, especially in North America. There are lots of guilt feelings revolving around eating out and throwing away money, wasting time on cooking and dinner events and lack of motivation to improve cooking skills. My new guideline is 1) finish cooking, eating and cleaning up within an hour (with husband’s help), 2) eat out only with family and friends for socializing (or ministry) purposes for proper use of money , 3) “fast” food for lunch with the computer to save time, and 4) gratify self with food for good and bad events (due to limited sources of pleasures and stress-relief other than food.) My food choices are rather limited because I want to control time spent on purchasing (get the same thing from the same place without having to think) and cooking (quick and simple). I also like predictable pleasures ordering the same dish from chain restaurants – Starbucks mocha, Macaroni Grill seafood linguine, Maxim 雞鴨飯, ….
In illness food takes on a new meaning. It is now my primary duty! I can understand how people develop eating disorders – an excessive focus on food and eating is not good! Now I have to eat regardless of appetite. Nutrition is crucial and food preparation requires careful monitoring of hygiene. For cancer patients, environmental contamination is a scare. For breast cancer patients, my beloved chicken has suddenly turned into the ultimate estrogen-ized enemy.
“Give us this day our daily bread” (from the Lord’s Prayer) had been my prayer for a friend who has leukemia – to be able to take in food is a gift. Now I pray the same prayer for myself. I have to be thankful that so far my appetite is reasonablly well and I can take in food. After the chicken obsession and brief paranoia on germs a few days ago, I decide to further re-orient my attitude towards food.
I want to be thankful that God has given us every living thing for food. (Genesis 9:3“Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.” ). I pray for the healing of our water (2 Kings 2: 21-22) and our land (2 Chronicles 7: 14); help us take proper care of our environment so our food source can be healthy. I hope to receive (and enjoy?) food as a gift from God and not as a source of stress-relief and gratification of unknown emotional needs. I am not sure if I can take responsibility for health and nutritional needs within reasonable time and I pray that the Lord will guide me. [Perhaps there can be more 食療 restaurants and stores to help ignorant people like me!]
Now I am making an effort to “enjoy” trying new dishes since there is home-help to do the shopping and preparation of food. I can be the head chef. I had acne for the past few days due to perhaps side effects of chemotherapy or just lowered immunity. These pimples hurt! So I tried to put bitter melon juice on it to relieve the pain and then...why not cook a bitter melon dish?! Yesterday I tried bitter melon spareribs. First time I cooked this dish because I had always hated bitter melon. Surprisingly it was very good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coincidence or not, my pimples are better today.
Well so much for my food adventure! Give us this day our daily bread – may God bless us with the nutrition we need each day to strengthen our body for His use.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
May 11 Immune System
Today is Day 8 after my 1st chemotherapy shot. My white blood count is supposed to be lowest on Day 7 to 11. I started my day on the right track – devotion, exercise, playing half an hour piano, eating lunch, nap, try some work, call a friend, etc.
Victor has class tonight and I had to fix and eat dinner alone. We bought a chicken and since I had not had chicken for such a long time, I became a bit obsessed. I wanted to cook something fancy; then started worrying about not eating right. Lastly I became unsure whether the chicken pieces were actually fully cooked! Some days I had "worry" attacks such as this.
Today I felt like my immune system was vulnerable and defenseless. I imagined the worst when an old lady sneezed a few feet away from me. Then I felt unsure about the food I had. It was mostly irrational but I lost objectivity. The truth is I cannot control my body. There is not much I can do about my white blood count. I can monitor my food intake but there is no guarantee my body takes in the nutrition. I cannot quite rely on my bodily sensations either because nauseating is a side effect of chemotherapy. I need to trust that my body can go through the chemotherapy. Most important I need to trust that God is taking care of my body. Please pray for rest in His healing hands.
Victor has class tonight and I had to fix and eat dinner alone. We bought a chicken and since I had not had chicken for such a long time, I became a bit obsessed. I wanted to cook something fancy; then started worrying about not eating right. Lastly I became unsure whether the chicken pieces were actually fully cooked! Some days I had "worry" attacks such as this.
Today I felt like my immune system was vulnerable and defenseless. I imagined the worst when an old lady sneezed a few feet away from me. Then I felt unsure about the food I had. It was mostly irrational but I lost objectivity. The truth is I cannot control my body. There is not much I can do about my white blood count. I can monitor my food intake but there is no guarantee my body takes in the nutrition. I cannot quite rely on my bodily sensations either because nauseating is a side effect of chemotherapy. I need to trust that my body can go through the chemotherapy. Most important I need to trust that God is taking care of my body. Please pray for rest in His healing hands.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
May 9 Blessings on the Lord's Day
The trip to Macau was fine - we were dead tired though! I had a good meeting with one of my bosses to discuss management of work. We then headed straight to the hospital for my medical appointment. It was quite a wait. By 6 pm everyone was gone and the office was about to close; I was praying desperately that I could meet the doctor and complete the paperwork needed. Thankfully everything was finally done. We managed both ferry rides without throwing up!
Yesterday we just rested.
This morning I still felt really tiring. After an afternoon nap, the Lord prompted me to walk outside. As I excerised in the garden, the glimpse of sunshine through the clouds lifted my heart. I was reminded of the Lord's face shining upon us:
Psalm 4:6-8 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. 7 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. 8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (NIV)
The Lord gave me hope that He can renew my heart each day even as my body would be "wasting away" during this time. though my body is failing. [2 Cor 4:16-17
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.]
Yesterday we just rested.
This morning I still felt really tiring. After an afternoon nap, the Lord prompted me to walk outside. As I excerised in the garden, the glimpse of sunshine through the clouds lifted my heart. I was reminded of the Lord's face shining upon us:
Psalm 4:6-8 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. 7 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. 8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (NIV)
The Lord gave me hope that He can renew my heart each day even as my body would be "wasting away" during this time. though my body is failing. [2 Cor 4:16-17
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.]
Thursday, May 6, 2010
May 6 Prayer Request for Victor
Dear Friends,
Please remember Victor in your prayer. He is not feeling too well this morning - it may be nothing. No temperature. But I was somewhat concerned. Please pray for special mercy on him.
On Tuesday he picked me up from hospital after my chemotherapy. He missed the shuttle bus because a dead body was discovered on Man Wan beach (wow!) He then took the next shuttle but then there was a car accident. Fortunately there was no injury and he managed to arrive when I finished my shots. We are keenly aware that there are various incidents in life - e.g. he lost his cell phone about 2 weeks ago. I pray that these hassles and incidents do not add up to give him too much stress.
Tomorrow we have an appointment to see the doctor in Macau to verify my sick leave. Please pray for a smooth meeting. [This is the doctor who first gave me the "death penalty" look!] Also pray for a safe journey (general safety + protection from infection) and a positive attitude. I will have a brief meeting with some of my colleagues too.
Thank you for being there!
Please remember Victor in your prayer. He is not feeling too well this morning - it may be nothing. No temperature. But I was somewhat concerned. Please pray for special mercy on him.
On Tuesday he picked me up from hospital after my chemotherapy. He missed the shuttle bus because a dead body was discovered on Man Wan beach (wow!) He then took the next shuttle but then there was a car accident. Fortunately there was no injury and he managed to arrive when I finished my shots. We are keenly aware that there are various incidents in life - e.g. he lost his cell phone about 2 weeks ago. I pray that these hassles and incidents do not add up to give him too much stress.
Tomorrow we have an appointment to see the doctor in Macau to verify my sick leave. Please pray for a smooth meeting. [This is the doctor who first gave me the "death penalty" look!] Also pray for a safe journey (general safety + protection from infection) and a positive attitude. I will have a brief meeting with some of my colleagues too.
Thank you for being there!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy
Yesterday I had my first chemotherapy shot. I went early in the morning to get ready. Everything went smoothly. There were discomforts but not pain.
I have been studying the word “heal” in the bible. In Exodus 15: 22-26, the Israelites went to Marah where the water was too bitter to take and they began to grumble. The Lord instructed Moses to cast a piece of wood into the water and the water became sweet. The Israelites were reminded that “…for I am the Lord, who heals you” (v26) Yesterday I prayed that the Lord would mysteriously put a piece of wood into the drugs and that my body would be able to receive them as good and healing agents. For it is the Lord who heals. Please pray with me in this process.
Although I preferred to be quiet during the intravenous injection of the drugs, I learned quite a few things listening to other chatty patients’ stories. Some of them have “severe” forms of cancer. Some have more family support and some try to manage on their own. People compared notes. There is really no point comparing ourselves with others conditions or circumstances. We are not better or worse off. The future is not known yet. We are responsible only for our treatment journey.
I recognize that this principle should apply to life in general. Sometimes we set ourselves up for unnecessary misery when we compare ourselves with others based on irrelevant (or worldly) criteria we set up. These criteria can be individual attributes such as appearance, accomplishments, personality, family characteristics, social status, network, positions of influence and power, etc. It can be anything. This preoccupation can drive us to envy and jealousy as we strive to be “one-up”. One warning sign of pride is the desire to be “one-up”. This is harmful, especially when it divert us from making meaning in our own life journey.
Comparing notes is different – I certainly learn something new about managing the chemotherapy process comparing notes with others. In life, if we are not comparing to pit ourselves against another person, the process is drastically different. It would be sharing, encouragement, mutual learning and camaraderie in the life journey. We can learn from others’ successes and failures, share tears and joys and inspire each other to improve and grow. We are each a unique individual created by our loving Father. Only God knows our past, present and future. So let’s set our hearts on discovering what we can become in His love. May the Lord free us from competitive comparisons and help us embrace each other’s companionship in His love!
I have been studying the word “heal” in the bible. In Exodus 15: 22-26, the Israelites went to Marah where the water was too bitter to take and they began to grumble. The Lord instructed Moses to cast a piece of wood into the water and the water became sweet. The Israelites were reminded that “…for I am the Lord, who heals you” (v26) Yesterday I prayed that the Lord would mysteriously put a piece of wood into the drugs and that my body would be able to receive them as good and healing agents. For it is the Lord who heals. Please pray with me in this process.
Although I preferred to be quiet during the intravenous injection of the drugs, I learned quite a few things listening to other chatty patients’ stories. Some of them have “severe” forms of cancer. Some have more family support and some try to manage on their own. People compared notes. There is really no point comparing ourselves with others conditions or circumstances. We are not better or worse off. The future is not known yet. We are responsible only for our treatment journey.
I recognize that this principle should apply to life in general. Sometimes we set ourselves up for unnecessary misery when we compare ourselves with others based on irrelevant (or worldly) criteria we set up. These criteria can be individual attributes such as appearance, accomplishments, personality, family characteristics, social status, network, positions of influence and power, etc. It can be anything. This preoccupation can drive us to envy and jealousy as we strive to be “one-up”. One warning sign of pride is the desire to be “one-up”. This is harmful, especially when it divert us from making meaning in our own life journey.
Comparing notes is different – I certainly learn something new about managing the chemotherapy process comparing notes with others. In life, if we are not comparing to pit ourselves against another person, the process is drastically different. It would be sharing, encouragement, mutual learning and camaraderie in the life journey. We can learn from others’ successes and failures, share tears and joys and inspire each other to improve and grow. We are each a unique individual created by our loving Father. Only God knows our past, present and future. So let’s set our hearts on discovering what we can become in His love. May the Lord free us from competitive comparisons and help us embrace each other’s companionship in His love!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
May 3rd Preparation for Chemotherapy
The Lord has helped me prepare for chemotherapy step by step.
After reading more journal articles, I learned that the benefit of aditional chemotherapy differs depending on the specific types of breast cancer. Future research on cancer gene studies may spare me from chemoetherapy afterall. However for now this is something I must go through. I will therefore receive it from the Lord and trust that He can use it to benefit me in His own mysterious way.
I am holding onto 2 Cor 4:16-17 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." NIV
所以我們不喪膽．外體雖然毀壞、內心卻一天新似一天。我們這至暫至輕的苦楚、要為我們成就極重無比永遠的榮耀。
This verse reminds us that ultimately we are all going to face the fact that our body would be wasting away, so perhaps this is a good time for me to practice being renewed inwardly day by day by Him. May this be a process of His renewal.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers.
After reading more journal articles, I learned that the benefit of aditional chemotherapy differs depending on the specific types of breast cancer. Future research on cancer gene studies may spare me from chemoetherapy afterall. However for now this is something I must go through. I will therefore receive it from the Lord and trust that He can use it to benefit me in His own mysterious way.
I am holding onto 2 Cor 4:16-17 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." NIV
所以我們不喪膽．外體雖然毀壞、內心卻一天新似一天。我們這至暫至輕的苦楚、要為我們成就極重無比永遠的榮耀。
This verse reminds us that ultimately we are all going to face the fact that our body would be wasting away, so perhaps this is a good time for me to practice being renewed inwardly day by day by Him. May this be a process of His renewal.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers.
May 1 A Precious Soul
Great news!
I shared about my friend’s father on the April 25th blog entry. He had been bringing me food after my surgery and was then found to have a serious heart condition. He could have a heart attack during these food delivery errands! Fortunately our sovereign Lord's plan is most brilliant! He protected him and prepared something wonderful for him. He now has a pace maker installed. I visited after his discharge from hospital. He then shared his experience; apparently the Lord had prepared his heart to receive His salvation during hospitalization. Victor and I had the privilege of sharing the Gospel with him last night and he accepted Christ in the presence of his daughter and grand-daughter! Praise the Lord!!
This is also God’s very special gift to me. Since my discovery of cancer, I realized my unfinished task on earth is to faithfully and diligently share the Gospel. [Particularly I was just starting a bible study group with mainland students and I prayed that someday I could return to the task and win the battle for God. 收復失地!]However I did not feel like I am gifted in evangelism. in this incident, the Lord shows me He works in mysterious ways. He is the one who prepares the souls for His salvation and we are sent only as messengers.
Please remmber this precious soul in your prayer. May the Lord further reveal Himself to him! We will be going to worship together tomorrow and may we all witness the work of the Holy Spirit.
I shared about my friend’s father on the April 25th blog entry. He had been bringing me food after my surgery and was then found to have a serious heart condition. He could have a heart attack during these food delivery errands! Fortunately our sovereign Lord's plan is most brilliant! He protected him and prepared something wonderful for him. He now has a pace maker installed. I visited after his discharge from hospital. He then shared his experience; apparently the Lord had prepared his heart to receive His salvation during hospitalization. Victor and I had the privilege of sharing the Gospel with him last night and he accepted Christ in the presence of his daughter and grand-daughter! Praise the Lord!!
This is also God’s very special gift to me. Since my discovery of cancer, I realized my unfinished task on earth is to faithfully and diligently share the Gospel. [Particularly I was just starting a bible study group with mainland students and I prayed that someday I could return to the task and win the battle for God. 收復失地!]However I did not feel like I am gifted in evangelism. in this incident, the Lord shows me He works in mysterious ways. He is the one who prepares the souls for His salvation and we are sent only as messengers.
Please remmber this precious soul in your prayer. May the Lord further reveal Himself to him! We will be going to worship together tomorrow and may we all witness the work of the Holy Spirit.
May 1 Lessons on Healing (1) - Asa
I have shared with you before that I would study the word “heal” in the Bible [rapha in the Old Testament]. Since then I have learned quite a few precious lessons. Let me share one with you today on King Asa.
King Asa started off on the right path doing what was right in the eyes of the Lord. His heart was fully committed to the Lord (1 Kings 5: 14, 2 Chronicles 14: 17).
During Asa’ reign, the country was at peace. The word “peace” or “rest” (from two different Hebrew words [nuwach & shaqat] occurred four times in verses 1-7. Most notably, Asa acknowledged that it was the Lord who gave them rest on every side and therefore they were able to build the towns and prosper (v.7).
In Asa’s first war with the Cushites, he called on the Lord and relied on Him. After this first victory, God encouraged him through the prophet Azariah: “The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you… (2 Chron 15:2-3).” Asa then took courage to further remove idolatry in Judah, even to the extent of deposing his grandmother Maacah who made a repulsive Asherah pole from the queen mother position. He repaired the altar and assembled the people before the Lord, leading the congregation to a recommitment to seek after God. “All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side.” (2 Chron 15:15). There was no more war until the thirty-fifth year of Asa's reign ( v.19).
Unfortunately when Baasha king of Israel went up against Judah, Asa turned to Ben-Hadad king of Aram for help. [Note: Israel and Judah were the Northern and Southern Kingdom, they were actually one family.] He took the silver and gold out of the treasuries of the Lord's temple and of his own palace in order to build a treaty with this foreign king for security. Hanini the prophet came to warn him and reminded him of the Lord’s deliverance when he relied on the Lord, “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chron 16:8-9). But Asa was so enraged he put Hanini into prison instead. In the meantime he also began oppressing the people.
There are three important repetitions (relevant themes) in my study of Asa: 1) fully committed to the Lord (3 times), 2) peace/rest, 3) seek after God. I think the most unique is Asa’s “fully committed” to the Lord. The Hebrew words [shalem (“perfect,” “full”), lebab (“heart”)] can be translated as perfect heart. Asa is the only king described with this perfect heart (2 times). Unfortunately he did not seek after God again when the prophet reminded him to do so in his failure. Finally Asa “was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the Lord, but only from the physicians (2 Chron 16:12-13). {The word physicians is "rapha" in Hebrew - healing] How very sad! The Bible clearly indicated that he could have sought help from the Lord.
In my illness I am reminded of the privilege to seek help from the Lord. Today when I woke up, I prayed for all of us to remain fully committed to the Lord until the very end. In all hardships let us not rely on worldly strengths, resources and knowledge. If we have swayed, may we return to the Lord once we are reminded!
“The Lord is with you when you are with him” (2 Chronicles 15:2)
“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chronicles 16:9) – HE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!
King Asa started off on the right path doing what was right in the eyes of the Lord. His heart was fully committed to the Lord (1 Kings 5: 14, 2 Chronicles 14: 17).
During Asa’ reign, the country was at peace. The word “peace” or “rest” (from two different Hebrew words [nuwach & shaqat] occurred four times in verses 1-7. Most notably, Asa acknowledged that it was the Lord who gave them rest on every side and therefore they were able to build the towns and prosper (v.7).
In Asa’s first war with the Cushites, he called on the Lord and relied on Him. After this first victory, God encouraged him through the prophet Azariah: “The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you… (2 Chron 15:2-3).” Asa then took courage to further remove idolatry in Judah, even to the extent of deposing his grandmother Maacah who made a repulsive Asherah pole from the queen mother position. He repaired the altar and assembled the people before the Lord, leading the congregation to a recommitment to seek after God. “All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side.” (2 Chron 15:15). There was no more war until the thirty-fifth year of Asa's reign ( v.19).
Unfortunately when Baasha king of Israel went up against Judah, Asa turned to Ben-Hadad king of Aram for help. [Note: Israel and Judah were the Northern and Southern Kingdom, they were actually one family.] He took the silver and gold out of the treasuries of the Lord's temple and of his own palace in order to build a treaty with this foreign king for security. Hanini the prophet came to warn him and reminded him of the Lord’s deliverance when he relied on the Lord, “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chron 16:8-9). But Asa was so enraged he put Hanini into prison instead. In the meantime he also began oppressing the people.
There are three important repetitions (relevant themes) in my study of Asa: 1) fully committed to the Lord (3 times), 2) peace/rest, 3) seek after God. I think the most unique is Asa’s “fully committed” to the Lord. The Hebrew words [shalem (“perfect,” “full”), lebab (“heart”)] can be translated as perfect heart. Asa is the only king described with this perfect heart (2 times). Unfortunately he did not seek after God again when the prophet reminded him to do so in his failure. Finally Asa “was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the Lord, but only from the physicians (2 Chron 16:12-13). {The word physicians is "rapha" in Hebrew - healing] How very sad! The Bible clearly indicated that he could have sought help from the Lord.
In my illness I am reminded of the privilege to seek help from the Lord. Today when I woke up, I prayed for all of us to remain fully committed to the Lord until the very end. In all hardships let us not rely on worldly strengths, resources and knowledge. If we have swayed, may we return to the Lord once we are reminded!
“The Lord is with you when you are with him” (2 Chronicles 15:2)
“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chronicles 16:9) – HE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!
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