Tuesday, August 11, 2015
2015 August 11 entry
Dear Friends,
I have not sent an update through email for a while.
Well, after my recurrence in 2013 I had a 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen, which finished in May 2015.
I celebrated briefly and went to Shanghai with Victor for a few days. I felt energized and prayed for a job in Hong Kong as I finally resigned from University of Macau. It was a really hard goodbye.
The past it is also a slow process of loss, of letting go, of accepting my lot and ultimately to submit to God's sovereign good will. I have become less focused on my thoughts and feelings and rarely write down my reflections, which is why I had not sent an email update for a while.
After the 1-year no pay leave of absence from University of Macau, I want to find a job in Hong Kong so that I can engage in something more meaningful. Unfortunately most doors were closed. I have the feeling that God is showing me to say goodbye to my career. On the other hand, there are always physical ailments here and there to remind me that I cannot simply move on. While on the numbers (cancer markers) appear decent, I started having some pain which became more intense in July. Finally I had a PET/CT early August and sure enough there were metastases here and there, and mostly in the lungs. By now I am quite prepared for the results although it was still hard.
Just got feedback from the doctor recommending a new target therapy. I have read about it from journal articles almost a year ago. In fact I was about the request that treatment because I am not sure if it is offered in Hong Kong. So I am all ready to accept that except the price tag scares me to death!! Close to HKD$20,000 a month (US$2500. It is like burning money. I hope to find out whether it is effective at all soon. If not I would not go back to traditional chemotherapy. I would seek palliative care for the final stage.
I still want life. But I am praying more for the ability to endure pain during this final stage. I want to transition to the new life and new body feeling hopeful. I am embracing God and that death is only the passage. I pray to be in good spirits (godly spirit) and not doubt His love for me. I have lived a life well loved by others. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my being for all of you. You have blessed my life.
I probably would not send updates anymore but may write an entry for those interested to find out what is going on at http://www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com
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Dear Doris, as I would like to say very sorry for this news, l also know that you probably heard that so many times, and truly only people who went through this could really tell the feeling. I can't say l know how you feel, but I am as close in feeling of distress as to anyone who lost a loved one, as l have been there holding my wife 's hands. There are so much I want to share. But one thing that strikes me the most is how peaceful she was, at a time I wanted to hold her up so much....just like what you say that you want to transition to a new life....l can tell you, without any doubt, that from the way she looked at me...there is a new life ahead. l feel her presence all the time. I recently renewed my lease to stay in the same flat because I want to feel her. I know she is with God as she wanted that so much, but she is also with me, every minute of day. I am saying this not to influence your decision on the medical treatment...l am saying to share an absolute truth, that is God is ALWAYS present. Rest ensured that you are taken care of! Hugs, Xiaohu
ReplyDeleteDoris, thank you for this update which I'm sure was not easy to write. What a beautiful and true comment from XiaoHu. There is so much we don't understand about this mystery called life. I am so proud of you for the testimony of courage I see in you and the acceptance to walk this journey no matter what lies ahead. I imagine it is the deepest form of surrender, one day at a time, one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI think you're truly amazing, taking the time to think about ministry and praying for people like me in the midst of your own challenging circumstances. Knowing your personality, I imagine you will deflect this comment, not wanting any compliments or attention in this way...but I do feel that it is true. I am encouraged by who you are and the life you live. You're beautiful. May God be ever close and present to you in the days, steps, and decisions ahead, squeezing your hand tightly.
In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love...
Doris, thank you for your heartfelt sharing... and true to our human needs and desires. i shall pray for you and the whole family.
ReplyDeleteDear Doris, what is a positive attitude you have! People often don't realize the absolute truth... I was one of these people... that only are we about to lose anything when we gain everything. When we are on the top of mountain we don't know, only are we in the bottom of the valley when we heard God's whisper in stillness. Peace, my friend. You will be fine. Hugs, XiaoHu
ReplyDeleteDr. Mok, I hadn't heard anything from you in so long, I was genuinely worried. But, tonight, something said, "check that saved bookmark" and I was elated to see postings from 2015/2016 and that I can still be on your journey with you in prayer and supplication. God will keep you in the cleft of His wings and we all send love.
ReplyDeleteBernadette A. O'Leary