Before Chemo, Nov 16

I come to terms that there is really no escape from feelings of vulnerability as my body declines. Refugees, children, women, elderly, and a lot of people experience various forms of vulnerabilities in their circumstances. I have lived a life too privileged to understand their pain. I look up to God for “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).” . I had half of my 1st chemo shot last Tuesday and tomorrow I will have the other half shot. My brother visited last weekend and I felt rested that I had said goodbye to all my family members. Prior to my chemotherapy, I settled most matters. I arranged to give away my money, my clothes, my jewelry, my professional books, etc. and now I am left with the basics. I am happy about making these arrangements. Giving away our possessions really helps us detach from earthly things. I thought about how Jesus’ disciples left “everything” to follow Jesus. It is not easy to give away one’s possessions. I cannot quite do that until this moment with a terminal illness. The harder part is giving away our desires to be significant, accomplished, powerful, admirable, excellent, etc. in the worldly sense. Only in the face of death can I leave this behind. There is actually tremendous peace. These days I am dependent on my family and friends’ love and care to sustain me. And I try my best to live because of their love for me. If the Lord would heal me, I pray that He would teach me how to live life. If the Lord would receive me to His bosom, I pray that He would help me follow Him step by step with faith. 我慢慢接受了在身體衰敗的過程中， 感到自己的脆弱是在所難免的。在世界的不同角落，不同的人（如難民，兒童，婦女，老人，病人）每天都經歷著不同程度的無助和軟弱，我一直過著安舒的生活，對他們的痛苦理解很少，服侍他們的機會更少。 我惟有仰望神,因“耶 和 華 靠 近 傷 心 的 人 ， 拯 救 靈 性 痛 悔 的 人（詩34:18）。” 我上星期二開始化療， 在化療前已作好準備。我哥哥回港探望我以後， 我感到十分平安， 跟家人都有一個道別的機會， 能再見面便是格外的恩典。我接著處理了大部份的事務， 把我的錢，衣服，首飾，專業書籍等安排給了他人， 現在我只剩下基本需要了。對這些安排， 我感覺良好， 撇下世上的財物使我們對世上的事物少了眷戀。我想到耶穌的門徒撇下“一切”跟隨祂， 這是絕不容易的，我一直不能做到這一點，直到這一刻有了絕症才能慢慢放下。更困難的是放下渴望成功，優秀，強勢，被敬重等等各樣的欲望， 但這些欲望也是屬世界的，是虛無飄渺。也許只有在面對死亡的時候，人才能從這些欲望釋放出來，得到前所未有的平安。但也有在面對死亡時候心有不甘的， 更感痛苦遺憾。 這些日子，我依賴我的家人和朋友的愛和關懷，來維持我的生命。我也盡我所能，好好的活著， 以報答他們的愛和付出。主若醫治我使我復原，我祈求祂教我如何生活。若主接我到祂懷裡，我祈求祂幫助我憑信一步一步跟隨祂！