Second Chemo, Dec 2

Dec 2, 2015 Well I become impatient, hoping that the Lord would take me to Him in my sleep or something, so that I may be spared from the painful treatment! The truth is there is no escape for now. I must walk step-by-step. So I had my 2nd chemotherapy shot yesterday. These days my body has continued to decline – more dizziness, easily fatigue, etc.. Gradually it has become more challenging to focus on praying and on His Word. It is generally easier to be passive in worship (listening to hymns, have others pray for me, etc.) than to be active. Victor and I started work on a new Sunday School series on leadership through the study of Kings and Chronicles. This keeps me going a little bit. But overall it is easy to “feel distant” from God without the usual church activities and spiritual practices. Sometimes I also have “bad dreams” of a spiritual nature. This may be due to the medication causing nightmares or just my body not being able to rest well. It can feel spiritually disconcerting. I cry earnestly for the Lord’s mercy. The prayer deep in my heart is that God will allow me to go to Him in peace with confidence and joy, not in fear or in bitterness feeling abandoned by His love because of pain. Lord, help me hold onto you. 這段期間我漸漸感到不耐，心中偷偷地盼望神也許會在睡中帶我到天家,使我能免受肉身的痛苦, 然而, 事實是我必須一步一步走下去。昨天我開始了化療的第二針! 我的身體未見好轉, 反而慢慢轉差 - 更多頭暈作嘔，容易疲勞和虛弱等。漸漸地我感到難以專注於祈禱和讀經, 通常被動式的敬拜是比較容易的（如聽詩歌，聽別人為我祈禱等等）。 Victor和我開始預備一個新的主日學課程, (讀舊約王上/下, 歷上/下) 關於作領袖的, 這讓我打起一點點精神。但總體來說離開了慣常的教會活動和一貫的屬靈操練, 很容易感到神有點“遙遠”。 有時候，我也有一些屬靈的“惡夢”, 這可能是由於藥物引起又或許我的身體不能夠完全休息。但這都會另我感到有點不安。 我切切哭求神的憐憫。在我的心深處, 求神讓我平安到天家去, 滿有信心和喜樂，而不是帶著恐懼痛苦, 埋怨被祂的愛遺棄。主啊，求你保守我! Doris葉師母