May 8

It is difficult to write this blog entry because I am afraid it might be the last one. Now I felt quite relieved as this may be the last task to complete on earth. Thank you for praying with me in this journey as I sought to wait on the Lord. I also earnestly pray for His healing to have more time life on earth to serve Him. The Lord was quick to answer that His will would be otherwise. I have no contest. His will really is higher and the best. As I reflect, I would say that my only regret on earth is that I have missed out opportunities to set aside everything to serve Him because I was unwilling to let go of my pursuit of career success. I had falsely justified my vanity by saying that Christians in position of professional expertise (and power and success) can also be a strong testimony. Although this may be applicable to some people, we have to carefully search our hearts in the light of the Holy Spirit. Praise God that despite all, Jesus’ forgiveness and cleansing blood is all sufficient for even me! During the week holding off treatment, I had some good parties, celebrating the publishing of our book with Victor’s colleagues, dim sum with my supporting “soup ladies”, relatives visiting to say goodbye, etc. I felt quite content that I have completed what is needed on earth. If you feel like having a more personal goodbye, please app or email me so we can make a connection. I do not quite feel energized to have visitors. I shifted to a new chemotherapy last week. So far, I do not seem to be tolerating well as I was not able to continue this week. My pain is becoming very difficult to manage, with various side effects complicating things. I am so ready and eager to leave this body on earth. Lord, I wait on you,have mercy on me, hold my hand and take me to You。 這篇update 甚難下筆，也許心中預期這可能是最後一篇。但又有點釋然，也許在世要完成的快做完了！ 謝謝你們一直以禱告與我同行，等候神， 上期停藥我也切切求神憐，讓我能得醫治留世多作主工，但神很快便讓我知道這非祂的旨意，清晰明白, 我絕無異議， 因祂的意念非同我的意念。回想一生，感到遺憾的便是自沒有在合適時機放下事業全心事奉神，總覺得基督徒在一些崗位上更能見證神， 但事實是自己放不下世上的成就的追求。但神是有憐憫，祂赦罪的寶血洗净我! 停藥期間做了不少開心的事情例如和Victor的同事慶祝我們新書出版，答謝愛心女士們給我的湯水服侍，外地親友的道別探訪。我感恩我已完成了我世上所需做的事。 現也許是道別的時刻，如果你想要更個人的告別，請用電郵或短信聯絡我，我的身體暫時提不起精神來接待訪客。 上星期換了新化療藥，因適應不到新藥也暫沒辦法再打。又，我的痛楚已經控制不到， 因爲有不同的病癥及藥物副作用令事情更複雜。我已準備好和渴慕肉身能快離開這世界。主， 我等候你，求你不撇我， 憐憫我，牽我手到永生！

April 11

These days I seek to focus my attention on waiting on the Lord.  I ask earnestly that you pray with me. My cancer index continues to go up. The doctor has suggested trying another chemotherapy drug. I asked to delay one cycle to seek some relief from the gastrointestinal pain, which may be a side effect of chemotherapy. I am working on managing the pain. Please remember me. I also desire to devote this time to wait on the Lord. I earnestly seek His healing and to have more time serving Him on earth. If His will is otherwise, I pray that He would reveal His will and help me embrace it. Our book “同作門徒” has come out! (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153842203579300&substory_index=0&id=138357479299). My prayer is that the Lord will use this Bible study series to encourage brothers and sisters to follow Him. It has been a great spiritual blessing working on this with Victor (and our fellowship) for the past two years. There are many things I still I want to do on earth, but to follow Him is all that is needed. 這段時間我專心等候主自己，盼望你們也和我一同禱告。 我的癌指仍然高昇，医生建議我轉化療藥，我要求停一期來舒緩藥物副作用引致的腸胃不適。請為這些不適和痛楚祷告。 此外我也祈求在這段時間專心等候主和仰望衪。我渴望主的医治使我能在世繼續事奉衪。求主顯明祂的旨意,讓我能平安接受。 我們的書「同作門徒」出版了！lhttps://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153842203579300&substory_index=0&id=138357479299) 盼望主用這本書, 讓這個查經系列幫助弟兄作祂的門徒。過去兩年我和Victor (和我們的團契)從這查經十分蒙福。對我來說, 我還有很多事想做，但唯一重要的便是跟隨主作祂的門徒！

Mar 3

My life is now organized in 3-week cycles of chemotherapy. After discharge from hospital, my lungs have remained about the same. There are days I feel that death may be imminent if my lung collapses again or if an infection turns into pneumonia. Other times I believe that I may still live for a while and God has tasks for me to complete. I swing back and forth wanting to be with the Lord and to stay on earth with loved ones. Well, Philippians 1:21-26 (For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain…) Family and friends have visited during Chinese New Year and this past month. I am so blessed! Now saying goodbye is very painful as it may be the last time. In the midst of such pain I notice that my love for folks is deeper than I previously thought. Physically I am very skinny (90 lbs) now. I work hard on eating. Praise God for His constant supply of soup, dumplings, and desserts provided by loving sisters. They keep my appetite alive! May the Lord also nourish them richly with His love! I also do more breathing exercises. It is difficult to keep my motivation when you only see decline no matter what you do. I took the challenge to teach Sunday School with Victor on Sunday mornings. This immediately turns out to be the highlight of my week, keeping me focused on worship matters and the study of His Word. Otherwise, I feel quite purposeless as I have completed almost all my tasks on the to-do list. I am close to finishing another book with Victor on 10 healing miracles. Victor wrote the messages. I wrote the bible study questions, the applications for the sick and suffering as well as for the supporters/caretakers. As I do the editing and revisions, I am most delighted to say that I believe and strive to practice what I have written. [From day 1, I want to commit to His sovereign good will.] I am now enriching the content with a brief section on psychological perspectives. After I am done, what is next?! I worry a bit. May the Lord lead. Prayer Request: 1) To gain weight, 2) To breathe well, 3) To be hopeful despite the rising cancer marker, 4) To keep my spiritual focus. 出院以後， 我的肺沒有特變，現是還繼續每三周的化療。這些日子有時我在想死亡是否已經很近，一下的肺炎或爆肺，我可能便會完蛋! 有時我又感到可能自己還會有一些日子, 完成一些神的計劃。我深感保羅在腓立比書1：21-26的兩難，既想與主同在，也捨不得家人朋友和弟兄姐妹，希望能繼續同行天路。過年時得見一些親友， 深深感恩！ 但現在道別時想到可能是最後一次，心中萬分難受，自以爲瀟灑撇脫，其實心中很不捨！ 我只得90磅了，所以很努力去吃！感謝神透過姐妹的愛心，我有湯水， 餃子和甜點的供應，把我的胃口保住，願神也充充滿滿的以愛供應他們！ 我多做了一些呼吸練習， 有時動機很低，因爲只見身體慢慢的衰敗，沒有好轉的盼望，所以要以一個服侍神的心去做！ 我很高興跟Victor 一起教主日學， 這成了我每週所盼望的，也把我從低落中集中起來，敬拜神，讀祂的話，不然我會很茫然，讓疾病成爲我的中心。我也和Victor 完成了一本書，就是聖經十個醫治的神跡，他有信息系列，我負責查經問題，給病患/受苦者和支援者的應用。 當我重讀修改時，感到我是從心裏相信和實踐這些應用的， 從第一天開始，我就求神幫我順服祂的主權和旨意，願祂保守我直到見主那一天！我現在補上一些心理學的觀點，做完以後， 我就沒有什麽可做的了，願主引領！ 禱告事項：1） 增磅 2）呼吸好， 3）存盼望即或癌指上升， 4） 專心仰望神 Doris

Feb 2 2016, Discharge from Hospital

Two-Week Well I am discharged after two weeks of hospitalization. The two-week stay was unexpected due to complications. I have an iatrogenic pneumothorax. My lung collapsed. To my disappointment, my lung did not expand back to its original position. However during these two weeks I had so richly experienced God’s blessing that I now embrace the sovereign will of God with gratefulness. My experience with God is beyond words. However I would share those blessings I can easily count with you. First, I was hospitalized just before the cold weather seized Hong Kong. Otherwise I might have been risk of breathing problems and complications such as pneumonia as well. Second, I witnessed two ladies passed away. Their beds were opposite mine and I looked into their eyes as they slowly pass away with decreasing heart beat and blood pressure. The Lord prepares me to embrace death by witnessing the physiological aspects of it. The Holy Spirit gently teaches me the hope I have in His salvation, which is markedly different from those who grieved in death and dying without such hope. Third, the Lord used me in my weaknesses. In my physical and emotional weakness, the Lord taught me to merely set aside my SELF and let Him do His work. As I submit to the Lord, He uses me to bless a person in some unexpected way. Never underestimate God and what He can do through you when you are willing! Fourth, the discharge was delayed. Initially I was very disappointed. When I submitted to His sovereign good will, I noted that the Lord has prepared a sister (in the Lord), a wound specialist, to manage my wound after discharge. He also used this delay to give me yet another opportunity to bless and be blessed by other patients. His way is higher! Prayer request: 1. Pray for my lungs to still recover. May God protect me from infection! 2. Pray for the effectiveness of another chemo medication that it will control the cancer growth. 3. Pray for time with family. 我終於出院了！ 原本是住一兩天抽肺積水， 但因爲氣胸肺而延誤了兩週， 最後肺還是不能恢復原狀。但是這兩週我是充充實實的經歷主的恩典，難以筆墨形用，就盡量和大家分享。 1. 我在寒流到港前入院， 不然我可能因天冷而呼吸道受感染，甚至肺炎等， 那時， 要到急症室就不容易了！2. 這次入院我見證了兩位女士的離世，她們在我對面床的， 我親眼目睹她們心跳減慢，血壓降低，和翻眼，我心中感到既難過，但又得聖靈的安慰，讓我知道得救的人有永生的盼望，不怕肉身的死亡， 但也深深體會未信之人的哀傷， 他們的呼喊哭泣何等絕望！3. 在我身心最軟弱時神還能用我祝福他人，過往，縂以為是自己的知識經驗才能被神用，沒想到在順服神時， 一件最微小的服侍神也能使用，一個最簡單的禱告也可以大有靈力！4. 我的出院時間給耽誤了， 剛開始有點失望。 當我順服祂的主權旨意時，我經歷祂的計劃更好， 祂的意念更高，因爲多留一天， 神為我安排最好的傷口治理， 並讓我有多一個機會被其他病人蒙福並祝福他們。 代禱: 1. 肺能繼續復原，求神保守不受感染 2. 新一期的化療葯有效控制癌細包，3. 和家人有美好的時光，彼此祝福並榮耀神！

Jan 23, Unexpected Hospitalization

I was hospitalized unexpectedly to remove pleural fluid. The procedure became complicated when my lung collapsed without returning to its original position. On top of that, there is a "bubble" in the lung and needs to be removed. I waited and waited. Then.....Today was quite a day! I had good news in the morning that the lung has some expansion! Then the afternoon crashed into a turmoil in our hospital room. The newly admitted old lady who seemed quite alert and energetic started to choke in the afternoon. The nurse quickly gave her oxygen and did everything needed. The family was immediately contacted. To my surprise that was already a call to say goodbye. They were waiting for the son to return from Shenzhen. The family members cried, saying goodbye, pleading for the lady to hold on and wait for the son to return. It became emotional for the 5 of us bedridden going nowhere but to stay in bed going through this emotional storm. For me I had to watch her fade away with decreasing heartbeat unless I closed my eyes or turned away. (I was so slow in responding with prayer.) This became unbearable for the lady whose bed was closest to the old lady. She had just managed to calm down yesterday and this trggered her again; she started tearing the tubes off her and spewing angry words towards her husband. It was very tense! Now everything has calmed down. It is all quiet and you can hear only the cleaning lady. Mostly I felt helpless and guilty that life goes on everyday like this everywhere and it seems like we can do little to make life better despite being a believer. I have a lot of love and care from family and brothers and sisters in the Lord although I am undeserving. This makes me feel guilty. Well at the end of the day, what can I say? I guess I hold onto the fact that God loves me. It is not about doing (what I do) or being (who I am) - [I am certainly not a great person.] It is about who He is. God is love. Although I cannot quite make meaning of what I experience today, tonight I rest on Psalm 131 --- My heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty, neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me. Lord, let me simply rest in your loving arms like a weaned child.

Jan 14, 2016

I had my 53rd birthday last Wednesday! I had initially planned to spend the day on the Peak with my husband and then with my family to fully enjoy the day. Then I decided I should spend the time to (semi-fast and) pray for my health and guidance on treatment. I wanted to plead for additional years of life to do a project. This summer I had proposed a program to a seminary. I felt that I had finally reached that point in my life to be seasoned enough as a clinician/teacher/trainer and mature enough as a Christian to conduct such programs. Unfortunately I discovered my cancer metastasized before I had the opportunity to even discuss the program with the administrator. I had wanted to run a program to serve the Lord. The Lord had chosen a different path for me. On my birthday it turned out I was I was drowsy all day and unable to focus on prayer. Finally I woke up from the afternoon nap and felt remorseful that I had wasted the day failing to pray and accomplishing nothing. In a split of a second, I suddenly became thankful for the small blessings I had throughout the day. I understood that by my own effort I cannot add an hour to my life – I must bow to the Lord’s sovereign good will. I felt a great relief. On the other hand, I have no clue and control over what will happen and do not know how to manage it. We can only walk by faith and this is a path we know very little. Please pray for (1)treatment plan, (2) Victor and I's faith journey, (3) God's healing. 上星期我過了53嵗生日！ 本打算那天到太平山和Victor 和家人好好享受美好的一天。 後來卻決定應該半禁食禱告，求神指引我治病的方向。我心中想求神加添我在世的日子，有健康能服侍祂! 因我心還是念念不忘想在神學院作一個生命成長課程，因爲我覺得自己終於有足夠的教學和督導經驗及靈命的成熟去辦這類的培訓課程來事奉神。 但我還未有機會和神學院詳細討論便已經發現自己的癌病復發和擴散了，我心中分失望，我渴望籍工作來事奉神， 祂卻為我預備一條不同的路。 生日那天我整天懨懨欲睡, 沒法專心禱告, 直到午睡後醒來心裏悔恨自己未能好好禱告, 但聖靈卻感動, 讓我深深感受到神在當天許多小事上的祝福, 我明白到我不能凴努力禱告去加添我在世的年日, 我只能靠神的恩典按祂的旨意而活! 這一方面叫人鬆一口氣, 但也叫我感到前路茫茫, 只能求主幫助我和Victor用信心一步一步走. 請代禱: 1) 醫生治療的方案, 2) 我和Victor同心走信心之路, 3) 神的大能醫治.

Dec 21, 2015

During this time, Victor and I have a discrepancy – I am eager to be with the Lord and feel that we should be grieving our eventual separation. Victor perceives differently and believes God will somehow provide a way out. Sometimes we feel a tension due to this difference. What binds us together is that we are both committed to seeking the sovereign will of God. I guess this is critical in marriage – to seek God’s will for each of us individually and as a couple, trusting that He would lead and guide accordingly, (and not insisting on our own position). Today I got the CT scan results indicating that the cancer had spread to the liver and bones. I am not surprised with the findings. I decide to still proceed with the 3rd chemotherapy cycle as scheduled tomorrow and then give some time to consider whether it is time to discontinue treatment and shift to palliative care. Although there are still “chemotherapy treatment options,” I believe at some point I want to make the decision with peace and conviction. Some folks are convinced that Christians “must” pray for healing with faith. I do not exactly agree. My faith is that God can certainly heal and it can be in whatever way that pleases him. He can work through traditional or alternative medicine, diet, exercise, meditation and different spiritual practices, etc., but His miracles are not bound by these means, His miracles are above and beyond. Some folks believe that we should always be “positive.” I do not need a false hope that I would get better. I am not waiting for death. I am “waiting on the Lord“, and for His will for me to be fulfilled. I want to complete His will for me on earth and press towards the finish line. May the Lord be merciful and carry me through! 這段時間我和Victor有些張力， 我渴望離世與主同在因而覺得應該跟Victor面對離世的哀傷，而Victor感到神會在我們的試煉中開出一條新路。 使我們可以合一的便是我們同心尋求神的旨意，期望祂的主權在我們個人和夫婦一體上按祂心意成就，這在婚姻中是重要的，免得我們把個人的觀點和定向看得太重。 今天CT報告顯示癌已經擴散至肝和骨，我自己未感意外，決定明天依期接受第三針化療，自己再思想何時會放棄其他化療方案而轉向舒緩治療。我盼望禱告後心中有平安，清楚踏上這一步。 有些朋友認爲基督徒面對疾病必須要凴信心祈求醫治，我不完全認同，我深信神能在任何時間，任何地點，對任何人用任何方法醫治，不限於傳統醫療，非傳統醫療，特別食療，運動工夫，屬靈操練等等。有些人叫我積極樂觀，我並不覺得談及（預備）死亡就是消極悲觀，因爲我不需要一個虛假的盼望，因爲我不是等死，是“等候神”自己，盼望完成祂的旨意，把世上當做的事完成，直奔到終點！求神憐憫，叫我好好靠祂走後這段路!

Second Chemo, Dec 2

Dec 2, 2015 Well I become impatient, hoping that the Lord would take me to Him in my sleep or something, so that I may be spared from the painful treatment! The truth is there is no escape for now. I must walk step-by-step. So I had my 2nd chemotherapy shot yesterday. These days my body has continued to decline – more dizziness, easily fatigue, etc.. Gradually it has become more challenging to focus on praying and on His Word. It is generally easier to be passive in worship (listening to hymns, have others pray for me, etc.) than to be active. Victor and I started work on a new Sunday School series on leadership through the study of Kings and Chronicles. This keeps me going a little bit. But overall it is easy to “feel distant” from God without the usual church activities and spiritual practices. Sometimes I also have “bad dreams” of a spiritual nature. This may be due to the medication causing nightmares or just my body not being able to rest well. It can feel spiritually disconcerting. I cry earnestly for the Lord’s mercy. The prayer deep in my heart is that God will allow me to go to Him in peace with confidence and joy, not in fear or in bitterness feeling abandoned by His love because of pain. Lord, help me hold onto you. 這段期間我漸漸感到不耐，心中偷偷地盼望神也許會在睡中帶我到天家,使我能免受肉身的痛苦, 然而, 事實是我必須一步一步走下去。昨天我開始了化療的第二針! 我的身體未見好轉, 反而慢慢轉差 - 更多頭暈作嘔，容易疲勞和虛弱等。漸漸地我感到難以專注於祈禱和讀經, 通常被動式的敬拜是比較容易的（如聽詩歌，聽別人為我祈禱等等）。 Victor和我開始預備一個新的主日學課程, (讀舊約王上/下, 歷上/下) 關於作領袖的, 這讓我打起一點點精神。但總體來說離開了慣常的教會活動和一貫的屬靈操練, 很容易感到神有點“遙遠”。 有時候，我也有一些屬靈的“惡夢”, 這可能是由於藥物引起又或許我的身體不能夠完全休息。但這都會另我感到有點不安。 我切切哭求神的憐憫。在我的心深處, 求神讓我平安到天家去, 滿有信心和喜樂，而不是帶著恐懼痛苦, 埋怨被祂的愛遺棄。主啊，求你保守我! Doris葉師母

Before Chemo, Nov 16

I come to terms that there is really no escape from feelings of vulnerability as my body declines. Refugees, children, women, elderly, and a lot of people experience various forms of vulnerabilities in their circumstances. I have lived a life too privileged to understand their pain. I look up to God for “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).” . I had half of my 1st chemo shot last Tuesday and tomorrow I will have the other half shot. My brother visited last weekend and I felt rested that I had said goodbye to all my family members. Prior to my chemotherapy, I settled most matters. I arranged to give away my money, my clothes, my jewelry, my professional books, etc. and now I am left with the basics. I am happy about making these arrangements. Giving away our possessions really helps us detach from earthly things. I thought about how Jesus’ disciples left “everything” to follow Jesus. It is not easy to give away one’s possessions. I cannot quite do that until this moment with a terminal illness. The harder part is giving away our desires to be significant, accomplished, powerful, admirable, excellent, etc. in the worldly sense. Only in the face of death can I leave this behind. There is actually tremendous peace. These days I am dependent on my family and friends’ love and care to sustain me. And I try my best to live because of their love for me. If the Lord would heal me, I pray that He would teach me how to live life. If the Lord would receive me to His bosom, I pray that He would help me follow Him step by step with faith. 我慢慢接受了在身體衰敗的過程中， 感到自己的脆弱是在所難免的。在世界的不同角落，不同的人（如難民，兒童，婦女，老人，病人）每天都經歷著不同程度的無助和軟弱，我一直過著安舒的生活，對他們的痛苦理解很少，服侍他們的機會更少。 我惟有仰望神,因“耶 和 華 靠 近 傷 心 的 人 ， 拯 救 靈 性 痛 悔 的 人（詩34:18）。” 我上星期二開始化療， 在化療前已作好準備。我哥哥回港探望我以後， 我感到十分平安， 跟家人都有一個道別的機會， 能再見面便是格外的恩典。我接著處理了大部份的事務， 把我的錢，衣服，首飾，專業書籍等安排給了他人， 現在我只剩下基本需要了。對這些安排， 我感覺良好， 撇下世上的財物使我們對世上的事物少了眷戀。我想到耶穌的門徒撇下“一切”跟隨祂， 這是絕不容易的，我一直不能做到這一點，直到這一刻有了絕症才能慢慢放下。更困難的是放下渴望成功，優秀，強勢，被敬重等等各樣的欲望， 但這些欲望也是屬世界的，是虛無飄渺。也許只有在面對死亡的時候，人才能從這些欲望釋放出來，得到前所未有的平安。但也有在面對死亡時候心有不甘的， 更感痛苦遺憾。 這些日子，我依賴我的家人和朋友的愛和關懷，來維持我的生命。我也盡我所能，好好的活著， 以報答他們的愛和付出。主若醫治我使我復原，我祈求祂教我如何生活。若主接我到祂懷裡，我祈求祂幫助我憑信一步一步跟隨祂！

The Pain of Dying, Nov 8

The past two weeks have been difficult. I learned that the target therapy was not working well and the oncologist recommended me to prepare for 6 cycles of chemotherapy shot. I was also hospitalization again to have pleural (lung) fluid removed. The hospitalization was unpleasant. First I did not have the usual pain medication provided. Second the removal was difficult, triggering more coughing. Third, I was bed-ridden that night. I (and two other ladies) needed pee-pans. These things were not immediately available as one would wish. Spilling the contents would mess up the bed and clothes you wear. Due to the medication, I also had problems urinating. Combining these three factors, this set off my anxiety over loss of bodily control and feelings of vulnerability, which lingered on for the past two weeks. I do not want to romanticize the dying process. I have wanted to finish my race with things wrapped up neatly and organized. I have wanted to be the child ready to reunite with parents’ after a long day of school, with everything well done. I hope to be immediately taken by the Lord and be spared of the “dying.” In reality, I toss and turn over the pain and discomfort. I worry about gasping for air, excreting waste, etc.. Yes, there is the spiritual aspect embracing God in the dying process. But the physical and emotional aspects are also very real. I felt that my “vulnerable self” is taking over my usual self. It is as if I regress to the fearful child who cry and cry, over and over unknown pains and discomforts and loss of control. We are to meet God broken and naked. Old Testament Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I feel this nakedness – as I am. Despite all the years of effort overcoming these primitive fears to become confident, capable, achieving, educated, etc.. I do not want to feel naked, helpless and vulnerable. In the dying process, you have to face again who I am. In my nakedness, I cried to the Lord for mercy. Specific prayer items: 1) Chemotherapy beginning Nov 10. 2) Victor and I having peace in the Lord together regarding His will. 3) Holding onto His presence in times of physical and emotional pain.

Oct 19, 2015

The commitment to pray has been good. I prayed for a church evangelistic meeting in U.S. and was delighted to find that a family member attended and accepted Christ. This brings great joy to our family. I learned that we only need to be faithful in praying. Sometimes I simply remember the person, not knowing the circumstances and details; knowing that the Lord works in His wonderful way. This way we wait on the Lord without passing “judgement” on how things should be. The Lord has also sent angels to bring me food, which whet my appetite significantly. I eat better. Words cannot express my gratitude. God’s providence is amazing. May God bless and reward their love. My students have also sent kind words to encourage me. I can only praise God for His blessings in surprisingly ways. I still long to be with the Lord “quickly” and be spared a slow and painful dying process. Some days I cry for His mercy. I struggle to submit to His sovereign will. May He carry me through! Specific Prayer Requests: 1. The effectiveness of the target therapy. 2. To cope with the pain. 3.To walk step-by-step with faith and hope. 爲他人禱告是有福的! 剛開始時， 爲美國一間教會的培靈佈道會祈禱，後來竟發現一位家人出席並接受了基督，這是何等的喜樂！我學到的功課就是我們只需要忠心祈禱，主會按祂的旨意成就。有時候我只是默默記念一個人，一個家庭，雖不知道具體情況和細節，但主是知道的，我的代禱内容不重要，神的奇妙作爲才是我所等候盼望的。這樣，也可避免自己意見多多或自以爲知道主的意念。 主也派天使給我預備不同的美食，這對我的胃口有很大的幫助。心中十分感激，願神親自報答他們的愛心，這讓我經歷神的愛顧和奇妙的供應！ 我的學生也紛紛寫下鼓勵祝福的話，我感謝神以不同的方式來祝福我， 托住我！ 我求主“快快”地接我回天家，使我不必度過一個漫長而痛苦的死亡過程。有些日子，我哭求神的憐憫，掙扎著要順服神的主權和旨意。求主幫助我！！ 具體的代禱：1.標把治療的效用2.應付疼痛3.用信心和希望一步一步走。

Oct 1, 2015

Thank you for your prayer and support! It has carried me through this time. I experienced peace despite increasing pain and discomfort. I was hospitalized once due to intense pain and had pleural fluid drawn from my lungs. Unfortunately the release from discomfort was short-lived. During hospitalization, I had quite some time alone doing nothing. As I quietened down, I felt ready to meet my Lord and pray that I may be released from this body on earth. I had closure with most things and felt ready to leave. There is not much to look forward to now as my activities are increasingly restricted. I can only wait on Him. “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:7) I have to wait for His timing and His sovereign will. Now I merely desire to be relieved from the body. I pray earnestly to be ready to embrace God with faith, hope and love. Is that possible? What exactly does that mean? Can I be joyful and peaceful when the moment comes? My sister has come back from U.S. to care for me. I am thankful for all the love and support I have received from family and friends, knowing that I deserve nothing. I am so privileged to have you! Victor has also been wonderful and has come to accept my plight. It is difficult for him to see me in pain. We are journeying together and trust that he also would be blessed with faith, hope and love. I am confident that God will have new blessings in the days to come. I depend on God in breathing, eating, sleeping, and disposing bodily waste because they are a challenge nowadays. I am also praying not to be entirely body-centered and pain-focused. I pray to draw close to Him and submit to His sovereign good will. I pray to always hope in healing because with Him nothing is impossible. I pray to live day-by-day with gratitude and joy. I don’t think there is much for me to do on earth. If there is, I pray that God will show me. Although I cannot do much, I can pray. So I am going to devoted myself to prayer. If you have any prayer request, send me an email (moknyap@gmail.com) or whatsapp me. It would be the most meaningful task while waiting on the Lord on earth! 謝謝您的禱告和支持！保守我渡過這段時間，儘管疼痛和不適越來越多， 我卻經歷出人意外的平安。 我因劇痛住院兩天並抽肺積水，可惜這舒緩只是短暫的。住院期間我有一段長時間獨處和默默禱告，當我安靜下來時，感到已經準備好見主的面，心底裏盼望能從肉身釋放出來。對於世上的事， 我已有所交待， 沒有甚麽眷戀遺憾，由於身體的軟弱，活動越來越多限制， 我也沒有甚麽期待。 主啊，如今我等甚麽呢？ 我的指望在乎你！（詩篇39：7）我要等候神的時間和祂的旨意。但這刻我只希望能從肉體釋放， 不知是否真的準備好見神， 我禱告能帶著信， 望， 愛到主的懷抱 -- 這可能嗎？我對這知道的很少，也不真知道如何預備自己， 求主幫助我， 盼望當時刻來臨時，我能帶著是喜樂和平安見主！ 我姐姐已經從美國回來照顧我至十月底。我深深感謝家人和朋友的愛和支持， 這不是我配得的， 但神還是豐豐富富的賞賜給我。很感恩生命有你！ Victor在這段時間十分十分好！他接受我的困境， 只是看見我痛苦還是十分難受。我們一同走下去，相信他也必在信望愛中成長。我深信神必有新的祝福賜給他並陶造他成爲祂的喜悅的僕人！ 我每天的呼吸，吃飯，睡覺，和排泄都得依靠神， 因為這些生活中最基本的動作都隨時是我的挑戰。我祈求自己不要完以身體和疼痛為每天的重心。我祈盼能親近祂，等候祂完美的旨意和計劃在我身上成就。我也祈禱求醫治， 因為在祂沒有難成的事。我祈求靠住一天按一天的以感恩和喜樂而活。我想我應當沒甚麼事要完成了， 若有， 求主向我顯明！ 雖然我能做的事很少，但我依然可以禱告！ 所以我要全身心投入更多的祈禱， 就是為你們代禱。如果您有任何祈禱事項，給我發電子郵件（moknyap@gmail.com） 或whatsapp 我。這將是我在地上等候主期間一個最有意義的工作了！

August 26, 2015

After two weeks, I have gained better perspective of my illness. First, I continue to get myself ready to meet my Lord. Second, I continue to hope in God for His healing mercies. Third, I am learning to live day by day. Finally, I ask God if there is anything God wants me to do on earth. I have begun this new target drug for two weeks now. The side effects are manageable so far. I had some rash. Pray that the doctor will find out if it is effective or not soon enough. Do not worry about our financial needs – we will use our savings first. It is not like this drug can be effective for many years. So, we are taking one step at a time. The pain has increased. So whether it is this drug or another chemotherapy drug, the goal now is to contain the cancer as much as possible to reduce the pain and harm to the body, until one day nothing is effective or the body wears out. I earnestly pray that the Lord will give me strength in this process – I do not want to become bitter or angry in the midst of pain, or to feel far from His Love. I started going through my things – reading my devotional journal during teenage years (I was so very disciplined in writing them!), going through graduation pictures, listening to old tapes, remembering the first time I was interpreter for worship, etc… Of course, the wonderful time I have spent with you. Thank God for this Blessed Life! 經過兩週後，我對自己的病情有了較清晰的理解和接受。 首先，求主幫助我準備好迎見祂的面。二，我繼續仰望上帝醫治的恩典。三，我學習每一天生活一天。最後就是： 神還有甚麽要我做的嗎？ 這個新的標靶藥物我已經開始兩個星期了。其副作用還可以， 目前只有些出疹。我的禱告是醫生能盡快知道它是否有效。抱歉讓大家擔心我們的藥費- 我們將先使用儲蓄， 一步一步行。這種藥物也不是可以有效多年的， 但現時可以試試。 我的疼痛有所增加！ 因此無論是這種標靶藥物或其他化療藥，現在的目標是要壓低癌細胞，盡可能減輕疼痛和對身體其他的器官的危害，直到有一天沒有什麼是有效或身體耗盡。我懇切地祈求上帝會給我力量經歷這個過程 - 我不想因痛苦變得苦毒， 埋怨或憤怒，或感到遠離神的愛。請為我禱告！ 我繼續收拾我的東西 – 翻看我在青少年時期的靈修日記（我以前是多麼有紀律的寫下每天的學習！），畢業照片，看到第一次在崇拜做翻譯的秩序表，結婚照等等。當然還有跟你們分享的許多經歷！ 我一一為此感謝上帝的祝福！

2015 August 11 entry

Dear Friends, I have not sent an update through email for a while. Well, after my recurrence in 2013 I had a 2-year oral chemotherapy regimen, which finished in May 2015. I celebrated briefly and went to Shanghai with Victor for a few days. I felt energized and prayed for a job in Hong Kong as I finally resigned from University of Macau. It was a really hard goodbye. The past it is also a slow process of loss, of letting go, of accepting my lot and ultimately to submit to God's sovereign good will. I have become less focused on my thoughts and feelings and rarely write down my reflections, which is why I had not sent an email update for a while. After the 1-year no pay leave of absence from University of Macau, I want to find a job in Hong Kong so that I can engage in something more meaningful. Unfortunately most doors were closed. I have the feeling that God is showing me to say goodbye to my career. On the other hand, there are always physical ailments here and there to remind me that I cannot simply move on. While on the numbers (cancer markers) appear decent, I started having some pain which became more intense in July. Finally I had a PET/CT early August and sure enough there were metastases here and there, and mostly in the lungs. By now I am quite prepared for the results although it was still hard. Just got feedback from the doctor recommending a new target therapy. I have read about it from journal articles almost a year ago. In fact I was about the request that treatment because I am not sure if it is offered in Hong Kong. So I am all ready to accept that except the price tag scares me to death!! Close to HKD$20,000 a month (US$2500. It is like burning money. I hope to find out whether it is effective at all soon. If not I would not go back to traditional chemotherapy. I would seek palliative care for the final stage. I still want life. But I am praying more for the ability to endure pain during this final stage. I want to transition to the new life and new body feeling hopeful. I am embracing God and that death is only the passage. I pray to be in good spirits (godly spirit) and not doubt His love for me. I have lived a life well loved by others. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my being for all of you. You have blessed my life. I probably would not send updates anymore but may write an entry for those interested to find out what is going on at http://www.goodfightdoris.blogspot.com I

October 11 GOODBYE!!!

Today I have my last session of radiotherapy! I came home and enjoyed a delightful shower! It is great after 5 weeks of having only partial showers. [Praise God my skin is still okay and I only need to be careful.]

One uncertainty that many cancer patients have to face is recurrence. I have pondered about this on and off during the course of treatment - Am I healed and would continue my "normal" life or would there be a recurrence of cancer somewhere down the road? Should I be prepared for a "shortened" life or should I look ahead to many more years on earth? The "control freak" in me wants to "know" to plan accordinly. Although I have wanted (and asked for) some signs or assurance from the Lord that I would have my "normal" life back, the Lord has not granted this wish. Instead I am reminded that God, the author of life, will write my life script. Therefore I could (or should) only surrender to His perfect plan. I will continue my life journey and fight the Good Fight as a Cheerful Helper until the time to meet Him arrives. [As Paul said in 2 Tim 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."]

THANK YOU and GOODBYE
I want to thank all of you for your support - your prayers, comments and words of encouragement have been a great blessing, carrying me through during this difficult time. Your prayer makes a difference!
Well, I am going to say GOODBYE here. [You can still share this blog with friends who may benefit from reading my experience during cancer.] If you are still interested to find out what is going on with me, I am moving onto a new blog at http://www.cheerfulhelper.blogspot.com.
I want to hear about how your life is going on as well. So do keep in touch!

Last Prayer Request
Please join me in praying for opportunities to have a ministry amongst students from mainland China in Macau. The Bible study group I tried to get going before breast cancer has "fallen apart," so I am praying for new directions.


With love,

Doris

October 7 Three Blessings in Illness

I have experienced God’s blessings more fully during my illness. Let me share with you my three highlights:

1) The love of family, friends, colleagues and unknown brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am so blessed! During this illness, I realize I am well loved. My husband Victor surprised me with his capacity to care for me and do housework. (Keep it up, hubby!) My sisters indulged me with their loving care. They kept me company on hospital visits and traveling to Macau. They ate a lot of my “leftovers” and save the best parts for me to make sure I eat enough nutritious food. This is not a surprise but I do feel somewhat guilty to be spoiled at this “old” age! [Sisters are often better than husband when you are sick!] My friends – indeed I am blessed with many great friends. However I had lost touch with many of them. I am very grateful for the renewal of our connectedness. My primary school and high school friends – we get to chat like kids and teenagers again! My colleagues have also been wonderful, really giving me a break by offering a lot of additional help. I am also pleasantly surprised that many of them remember me in their prayers as well. In addition, there are many brothers and sisters that I have never met praying for me. Sometimes I learn that somebody from faraway pray for me because they learn about my condition from someone…
I am so blessed by others’ love and I pray that I would be able to be more loving as well in the future.

2) The opportunity to pause and reflect on life.

I like to take time to reflect. However the reflections are really quite different when one is stricken with illness. As the possibility of death looms, the meaning of life takes on a rather different appearance. According to Erik Erikson (psychologist)’s eight psychosocial stages of development, I feel like I was suddenly pushed through the middle adulthood stage to the older adulthood stage in senior years. In this last stage, the main question is “Have I lived a full life?” and the developmental task is retrospection, reflecting on one’s lives and accomplishments. I conclude that I am ready to be with the Lord. I am very thankful that the Lord has blessed me with a happy, fruitful life. It is definitely not perfect and yet so full of the Lord’s blessings. [Sometimes we seek our own “perfect” life rather than one blessed by the Lord. How foolish!] I am affirmed that God the potter has made something out of useless clay like me. He has given us (both Victor and I) lots of opportunities (overseas education and work, ministries, experiences, etc.) we do not deserve. As I reflect on my past, the Lord has also revealed my weaknesses and sins. Sometimes I remembered childhood and teenage struggles, sometimes clients I have worked with later in my professional life… At times my failures and shortcomings grieved me. Yet God’s mercy has always been there. I am thankful that the Lord has taught me to understand my past from a new perspective. Also, there is still an opportunity for me to change as He continues to mould me to become the vessel that pleases Him.

The Serenity Prayer –God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to make the most out of both. [I change it from “wisdom to know the difference.” When we know the difference, we have some choices.]

I am blessed by this involuntary compulsory retreat for the opportunity to have a deeper reflection of my life.

3) The gift to experience the love of God more fully.
In my vulnerable moments (physical, emotional and spiritual), I wondered why God is willing to become man, to be trapped in this human body that is so fragile with all the cumbersome basic needs such as hunger, excretion, discomfort, etc. Incarnation is “vastness confined in the womb of a maid.” More so, instead of waving a magic wand to deal with the sinful world from a distance, He chose a path of suffering to save us. “You came among us, lived our brief years, tasted our griefs, our aloneness, our fears, conquered our death, made eternity ours…” (From the song Lord of the Universe by Margaret Clarkson).

In each round of chemotherapy, the Lord reminded me Isaiah 53. In particular v. 3-5
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Christ had taken up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. All pains, all sorrows, all transgressions and all wounds are already dealt with on the cross. Indeed by His wounds we are healed.

May we worship Him!

October 6 Three Lessons Learned

I am counting down to 3 more radiotherapy sessions! My skin is alright and the doctor did not even prescribe anything for it. Now the sessions go quickly - I have learned to undress quickly and efficently place myself in the right (although still awkward) position. Now I focus on praying for only one thing and there is not really enough time to finish. Today I pray for my friend (same-age) on a short-term medical mission in Haiti. She is carrying 50 lbs of supplies and flying alone. May the Lord be with her; bless the team and use them to bring hope and healing to the people served.

As the treatment is coming to closure, I am wrapping up with the 3 most important lessons learned from the Lord during the treatment process.

First my primary call is to be a helper. I have made a new commitment to be a “cheerful helper.” Although I was imagining that there may be some grand vision or mission for me after the illness, : ), there is none! Rather the Lord reminded me to go back to my original call – to be a helper. While there is a part of me that wants to be some fantastic role model in woman leadership (particularly for my female students), the Lord has showed me my primary role is to be a helper. So much for the grandiose dream of being some special Christian woman leader! Ha ha! : ) I pray therefore that I would be content to be a helper in different capacities at work or in ministries.

Second I am the Lord’s servant. There is a part of me that wants to do significant and meaningful tasks in life that are worthwhile. I am learning not to judge or assign value on tasks and leave that judgement to my Lord. My duty is to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). I pray that I can fully trust the Lord’s leading and learn His path and not rely on my “shrewd” strategies.

Third, I am going to live “happily” ever after. In fairy tales, you live happily after because you meet your prince and your circumstances are good. Some folks advocate happiness as a choice. I do pray that I can choose to be joyful (not necessarily happy as it depends on the definition of happiness) based on contentment in the Lord. I hope to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.

May the Lord help me abide by these three commitments! Perhaps this is something you can share as well and may the Lord help us all!

October 2 Three Signs of Recovery

There are some signs of recovery!

First the growing nails come in a different color. [Praise God - the normal pinkish color!] There is a visible line on each fingernail marking the new growth and the darkened portion resulted from the side effects of chemotherapy. Each day the darkened portion is getting smaller. It is amazing! Although it is not visible, I believe our new man in the Lord is like that as well and our old self is fading away each day.

Second, there is a little bit of hair growing, not quite to the length of the gua (毛瓜/節瓜) but getting there. Even just that little bit of growth provides some warmth protecting the head. I don’t feel the “draft” on my head as much when I take off the hat.

Third, I have more energy now and I have not felt that way for a very long time. After the 6th shot of chemotherapy, I got the fever for a few days, wearing me out. Then when I began radiotherapy I actually got either a cold or flu although I don’t have the temperature to go with it. I was very tired all the time. For the past 2 days I finally feel not so achy and so tired. Although I wanted to stay positive during the chemotherapy treatment, the truth is I was easily tired all the time. In addition I can now sleep through for 5 hours straight without waking up. I am thankful.

I still have 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. Next Monday would be the 20th (of 25th session) and supposedly the skin would begin to crack. So far it seems okay and I am hopefully that I may be spared. If the machine does not break down and I am in good condition to continue the sessions, everything should be done by Oct 11th Monday. I am getting closer to the end. Thank you for all your prayers.

September 23 Seeking His Path

Today I had my 13th session of radiotherapy, meaning I am more than half-way through and there are only twelve more to go! Now I pray more intensely during the treatment session and it goes fast because I barely make through 3 prayer items. It is amazing how focusing on the Lord can do.

Yesterday was a trying day. After the radiotherapy session, Victor and I went to Macau for my class. The ferry ride was so rocky we both broke into cold sweat. Victor got the bag ready for vomit. Fortunately we were spared. It was so bad I questioned again whether I can manage teaching in Macau. When we arrived, it was raining so hard I prayed for it to turn into a drizzle so that I could go back to campus. I ended up getting late for my appointment because I simply could not walk as fast as I used to. I had small group meetings with students yesterday. The small groups went well. I love what I do! I noted that when my mind is focused (on tasks or with people), I can be so absorbed I forget my hunger, physical pain and everything (e.g how hard the ferry ride was). The positive side is that I really enjoy what I do and I can be very productive in such condition. The negative side is I can be so focused on the mind and the activities that I totally neglect my bodily needs. I need to find out the activity level that is good and fitting for me.

Whever I pray for healing, I yearn for restoration of my health, particularly my energy level. I am waiting on the Lord to show me more about His will and His plan for me such that I can make changes accordingly. I realize what I long for most is not the revitalization of energy, but rather I want to be assured that I am walking in the center of His will - that is where I can find peace. Pray with me that I may know His path and follow with joy.

September 17 Please Pray for Our Friends

The second week of radiotherapy is over! Today the machine broke down again so we had to wait patiently. My throat sores, not sure whether it is due to the side effects of radiotherapy or some kind of infection. So I am trying to be cautious as infection will delay the radiotherapy. Yet I am learning to trust in the Lord's timing - His sovereign will is higher than mine.

Some friends are concerned how I am doing. I actually am doing okay. Most people who visit or talk to me on the phone think I sound good. I still joke! I was very alive during my lecture on Wednesday. It is my "occupational tendency" (or 職業病) to feel like I should be attentive to others and contain my own feelings when I am face-to-face with people,. Writing the blog is a new venture, it allows me to express deeper feelings and be more open, sharing my struggles and vulnerabilities, which I usually am uncertain whether it is appropriate or not.

We have some sad news. Victor's friend passed away during a scuba diving accident, leaving his wife and two young kids behind. Please pray for the Lord's special presence with this family. This reminds us again we need to trust in God's sovereign will. My high school buddy is also diagnosed with breast cancer and she is going to have her operation next Tuesday. I pray that the Lord will strengthen her faith and that this may be an opportunity for her family members to come to know the Lord.