Yesterday morning I woke up with a not-so-pleasant dream. The new semester started and it was the first day of class - somehow the enrolment, the scheduling, the room arrangements were all messed up and I could not manage to get the course going. The course was “History of Psychology” that I knew nothing about. I told Victor the only thing I did right in the dream was speaking in English – at least I retained some skills. I noted my anticipation anxiety about the upcoming semester is two months in advance. Yes, everything needs to fit perfectly in the next 2 months – the 3 chemotherapy cycles cannot be delayed. The radiotherapy schedule needs to be in the morning so I have enough time to travel back for classes. Somehow I trust that it will all work out; nevertheless the dream reflects some latent anxiety!
My wishful thinking is that I don’t need to go back to work; the truth is I have to. Cancer does not exempt me from the realities of life. I have the privilege to take a nice break from various responsibilities, thanks to family and friends who pamper me with love and colleagues who support me with generosity. There is a part of me that wants to be lay back forever; the fact is my life is not just for me as I still have obligations to others. Moreover, my life belongs to my Creator and the only real choice is to acknowledge Him and surrender to Him willingly and joyfully. I have to admit that sometimes I resist this choice, feeling entitled to moan and groan and wanting to claim the right to do nothing! Unfortunately such resistance only makes one miserable.
I am not sure I can be back on track. For a while, I feel repulsive towards “work,” but these are the projects I have felt very passionate about – the faith-related research project with Christian colleagues, the opportunity to be involved in advancing clinical psychology / mental health in Macao, the leadership training / development work with college students, etc. I used to feel like a train on track, fueled by my passion and capabilities (from education and experience)and moving towards a clear destination. God was in all this as well, as I also had a ministry direction. In illness however I am so ready to just let go and everything seems illusive. I am shocked by how easily and readily my passion and my confidence collapsed. But then when my concern shifts to the protein content of soy drink and tofu, what passion can I retain? When I am clueless whether my body is generating enough new blood cells, what confidence can I hold onto? I am not sure whether Satan disrupts my plans or God shatters them in order to lead me to another path. I trust that ultimately God is sovereign and He uses every circumstance to work out His perfect plan.
I have to wait and see how I would return. My priorities have definitely changed. I have a better grasp that the end goal is about loving God and the activities are really just the means. I do not know whether I would be go back on the same path but walk it with a different inner quality or I will walk one step at a time to discover a new path. I am praying for two things in the future; not sure I can have both and whether the two can really co-exist although I desire both.
1. To live a life of giving and fight the GOOD FIGHT as Paul has:
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Tim 4:6-7
2. To live a happy life enjoying God’s gifts and not worrying about the longevity of life (and recurrence of cancer):
“Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him — for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work — this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Eccl 5:18-20
我所見為善為美的、就是人在神賜他一生的日子喫喝、享受日光之下勞碌得來的好處．因為這是他的分。 神賜人資財豐富、使他能以喫用、能取自己的分、在他勞碌中喜樂．這乃是神的恩賜。他不多思念自己一生的年日．因為神應他的心使他喜樂。
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
June 19th A Father's Day Prayer
The side effects hit much harder this cycle and I do not seem to recuperate much even on Day 5. The nauseating stays. The ache on the veins from the intravenous drug injection gets worse. These days I am feeling intensely “the heart is willing” but both the body and the mind are weak. Would the frailty of my body weed out my spirit bit by bit? Can one really stay strong in the Lord as a bruised reed or smoldering wick?
Last night while searching for a verse for someone getting baptized today, I came across this prayer that I love dearly. A few years ago I meditated on this prayer daily for almost a year, asking the Lord to strengthen my inner being. This is a powerful prayer for all of us:
Eph 3:14-21
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. NIV
Happy Father’s Day in advance! Glory to our Father in Heaven.
Last night while searching for a verse for someone getting baptized today, I came across this prayer that I love dearly. A few years ago I meditated on this prayer daily for almost a year, asking the Lord to strengthen my inner being. This is a powerful prayer for all of us:
Eph 3:14-21
14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. NIV
Happy Father’s Day in advance! Glory to our Father in Heaven.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
June 16 Day after 3rd chemotherapy
Yesterday’s chemotherapy shot was smooth.
I was however quite annoyed when the nurse told me to improve my “psychological quality” (心理質素) and to adopt a “positive attitude” towards the drug treatment. This was her encouragement in response to my slight reaction to the sensations during the shot. I wanted to snap back and gave her a lecture on patients’ conditioned response to shots due to our body often being handled roughly. Plus what does she know about psychological quality anyway? Blah, blah, blah!
But then she was just trying to be helpful. I realized I am also guilty of the same thing too – giving people a pat answer such as “just try to be positive” or “the Lord will help you,” blah, blah, blah…without really standing in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspectives and share the pain. This reminds me of the movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) I recommended a while ago. The Christians friends were very nice to the mother (the protagonist who lost her son due to a kidnap-murder), taking her out on her birthday and bringing her nice flowers. However none of them were ever in her home to mourn with her during her painful moments. They held a prayer meeting to pray for her but they were not there to listen to her anger and hurt. None of them visited when she became suicidal. Most of us want to keep a safe distance; it is difficult to really enter into suffering with others. May the Lord grant us the capacity to love and embrace others exactly where they are.
In the afternoon I could not nap, so I watched a movie on Mei Ah Movie Channel [我爱奇诺奥 / 机器人奇诺丘] Hinokio: Inter Galactic Love. It is a wonderful Japanese movie about a boy who withdrew into his own world after a car accident, losing his legs and his beloved mother. He lived through the robot Hinokio. The movie really captured the loneliness of kids. On the bright side, the friendships and their capacity to love and reach out heal one another. There are funny as well as touching moments. I was moved to tears and had a good cry because it stirred up memories of childhood sorrows and longings. God speaks to me through movies too.
Thank you for your prayers. Today I felt a lot better.
I was however quite annoyed when the nurse told me to improve my “psychological quality” (心理質素) and to adopt a “positive attitude” towards the drug treatment. This was her encouragement in response to my slight reaction to the sensations during the shot. I wanted to snap back and gave her a lecture on patients’ conditioned response to shots due to our body often being handled roughly. Plus what does she know about psychological quality anyway? Blah, blah, blah!
But then she was just trying to be helpful. I realized I am also guilty of the same thing too – giving people a pat answer such as “just try to be positive” or “the Lord will help you,” blah, blah, blah…without really standing in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspectives and share the pain. This reminds me of the movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) I recommended a while ago. The Christians friends were very nice to the mother (the protagonist who lost her son due to a kidnap-murder), taking her out on her birthday and bringing her nice flowers. However none of them were ever in her home to mourn with her during her painful moments. They held a prayer meeting to pray for her but they were not there to listen to her anger and hurt. None of them visited when she became suicidal. Most of us want to keep a safe distance; it is difficult to really enter into suffering with others. May the Lord grant us the capacity to love and embrace others exactly where they are.
In the afternoon I could not nap, so I watched a movie on Mei Ah Movie Channel [我爱奇诺奥 / 机器人奇诺丘] Hinokio: Inter Galactic Love. It is a wonderful Japanese movie about a boy who withdrew into his own world after a car accident, losing his legs and his beloved mother. He lived through the robot Hinokio. The movie really captured the loneliness of kids. On the bright side, the friendships and their capacity to love and reach out heal one another. There are funny as well as touching moments. I was moved to tears and had a good cry because it stirred up memories of childhood sorrows and longings. God speaks to me through movies too.
Thank you for your prayers. Today I felt a lot better.
Monday, June 14, 2010
June 14 Ready for 3rd Round
Tomorrow will be the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Today is medical check up day and thankfully I am ready for the next round of chemotherapy. It was nice that my sister was with me, validating that the long wait can be trying. Waiting can wear one out!
My study on “Healing” in the Bible has moved to the New Testament. I am now studying the word “therapeuo.” The most encouraging is that Jesus took the initiation of “teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.” (Matthew 4:23). “This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: "He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases." (Matthew 8:17).
The Lord gave me the same passage for the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Isa 53:4
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, NIV
4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; NASU
For the 2nd round of chemotherapy, my focus was on 53:5
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. NIV
Today I noted that my hope is in His love alone. In sickness I realize I may not be able to do anything and I may become a nobody. Without His love, life will then be meaningless. With His love, it would be totally different.
Rom 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We can be more than conqueors through Him who loved us. Honestly I do not know how exactly this works. Lord, only help us hold onto Your love!
Today is medical check up day and thankfully I am ready for the next round of chemotherapy. It was nice that my sister was with me, validating that the long wait can be trying. Waiting can wear one out!
My study on “Healing” in the Bible has moved to the New Testament. I am now studying the word “therapeuo.” The most encouraging is that Jesus took the initiation of “teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.” (Matthew 4:23). “This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: "He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases." (Matthew 8:17).
The Lord gave me the same passage for the 3rd round of chemotherapy.
Isa 53:4
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, NIV
4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; NASU
For the 2nd round of chemotherapy, my focus was on 53:5
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. NIV
Today I noted that my hope is in His love alone. In sickness I realize I may not be able to do anything and I may become a nobody. Without His love, life will then be meaningless. With His love, it would be totally different.
Rom 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We can be more than conqueors through Him who loved us. Honestly I do not know how exactly this works. Lord, only help us hold onto Your love!
Monday, June 7, 2010
June 7th Tears Come and Go
These days I do become a bit “touchy.” Victor was a bit worried when he noticed me in tears for nothing. I explained to him that in usual days I am always in gear ready to handle all sorts of responsibilities with little room to experience emotions more fully. Tears are not bad. They can be joyful tears too. Oftentimes I am deeply moved by gratefulness. Other times I am just keenly aware of my own physical and emotional vulnerabilities. Feelings come and go. The key is to turn all our emotions to God; the Holy Spirit will guide us to look beneath and beyond the emotions so that we may know who we are and who God is.
I am becoming more thankful for this “mandated retreat” that allows me to let down my usual defenses. [Or was I stripped of my usual defense mechanisms? Of course this is a matter of perspective as well!] Positive thinking and coping skills are good. They have carried me a long way in life. But the Lord uses this illness (and the need for isolation) to carve out time and space for me to immerse in self reflection, personal “therapy" and soul searching.
Ps 27:13-14: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. NIV
After my last blog entry I was bogged down about food again when my sister said I was not eating enough meat. This led to an obsessive internet search on protein intake, careful examination of the nutritional value of different brands, followed by an attempt to calculate my daily intake. Of course there are all these controversies about what is good and what is bad. It makes me feel like whatever I do, it is wrong or at least not good nough. Finally I stopped and decided to take it easy. It seems like I would still need to gobble up more food this week to prepare for the 3rd shot next week. Thank you for sharing with me in this journey.
I am becoming more thankful for this “mandated retreat” that allows me to let down my usual defenses. [Or was I stripped of my usual defense mechanisms? Of course this is a matter of perspective as well!] Positive thinking and coping skills are good. They have carried me a long way in life. But the Lord uses this illness (and the need for isolation) to carve out time and space for me to immerse in self reflection, personal “therapy" and soul searching.
Ps 27:13-14: I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. NIV
After my last blog entry I was bogged down about food again when my sister said I was not eating enough meat. This led to an obsessive internet search on protein intake, careful examination of the nutritional value of different brands, followed by an attempt to calculate my daily intake. Of course there are all these controversies about what is good and what is bad. It makes me feel like whatever I do, it is wrong or at least not good nough. Finally I stopped and decided to take it easy. It seems like I would still need to gobble up more food this week to prepare for the 3rd shot next week. Thank you for sharing with me in this journey.
Friday, June 4, 2010
June 4th Secret Sunshine 密陽
I had the opportunity to watch an excellent movie 密陽 (Secret Sunshine) on TV. It is a thought-provoking film with a strong religious motif. The story was about a single mother who moved to her husband’s place of birth (the city Milyang 密陽) after his death. Despite her efforts to start a new life, her only son was kidnapped and murdered. Struggling in the grieving process, she turned to Christianity. After making some apparent strides, she sought to forgive the killer and share Christ with him, only to find that he had already received forgiveness from God while imprisoned. This outcome shocked her and she became furious at God, perhaps for the fact that while she was barely coping with the loss of his son, the killer had already been blessed with peace. (Or, perhaps she felt that God had robbed her of the opportunity to forgive the killer.) She became self-destructive and eventually suicidal, resulting in hospitalization. The ending is kind of “interesting.”
This film has received several awards including best actress award for Festival de Cannes. Indeed actress Jeon Do-yeon deserved it. Reviews I found on the internet tend to see the movie as a critic toward religion, I understand it a bit differently. Initially I was somewhat “disappointed” that the movie does not have a good ending, not the “final conclusion” we may prefer as Christian. But after a few days of reflection and attending to some of the details in the movie, I was greatly inspired and uplifted. The director certainly understood and addressed issues of forgiveness, faith, sovereignty of God, etc. in great depth. Indeed God works in mysterious ways and there is a "secret sunshine" for everyone, in ways we may neither comprehend, accept or appreciate.
My condition this week
I am actually doing pretty well. Although my appetite is supposed to be bad, I have never been eating so well in my life. I had 3 full meals each day plus snacks. Everyday I have fruits (of different kinds) and I really attend to the nutritional value of the food. I realized in the past I only shuffled food in – justified by work stress, hectic schedule and other so-called priorities. Perhaps I have to relearn the basics of life, to breathe better, eat better, sleep better, etc. in order to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of living. By the way, I also cooked dinner almost every night this week. Victor was impressed with my cooking; he would have proposed to me had I not been already married to him!
My complaint is that my mind does not focus very well. I have forgotten several of my passwords and messed up my bank accounts. It is humbling for someone who takes pride in her “incredible” memory and “sharp” mind. Some days I cannot even write my blog because my mind is fuzzy. Today comes as a surprise as I write with ease. There are times even praying comes in fleeting thoughts and I am not sure what I have prayed about. But then it is not a matter of the content but the heart that counts. "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind" (Jer 17:10) and therefore we can only surrender our heart and mind to Him.
My friend noticed that there are some differences between my blog and Victor's blog in describing some of my chemotherapy side effects. I tend to report more on the positive and downplay the negative sensations because I don't want cancer or chemotherapy to "take over" my life. Victor is attentive to my symptoms because I tend to be whiny when I am with him. My veins are still somewhat swollen due to the injection. So I ask you to pray that it would be better before the 3rd shot.
Thank you for all your support!!
This film has received several awards including best actress award for Festival de Cannes. Indeed actress Jeon Do-yeon deserved it. Reviews I found on the internet tend to see the movie as a critic toward religion, I understand it a bit differently. Initially I was somewhat “disappointed” that the movie does not have a good ending, not the “final conclusion” we may prefer as Christian. But after a few days of reflection and attending to some of the details in the movie, I was greatly inspired and uplifted. The director certainly understood and addressed issues of forgiveness, faith, sovereignty of God, etc. in great depth. Indeed God works in mysterious ways and there is a "secret sunshine" for everyone, in ways we may neither comprehend, accept or appreciate.
My condition this week
I am actually doing pretty well. Although my appetite is supposed to be bad, I have never been eating so well in my life. I had 3 full meals each day plus snacks. Everyday I have fruits (of different kinds) and I really attend to the nutritional value of the food. I realized in the past I only shuffled food in – justified by work stress, hectic schedule and other so-called priorities. Perhaps I have to relearn the basics of life, to breathe better, eat better, sleep better, etc. in order to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of living. By the way, I also cooked dinner almost every night this week. Victor was impressed with my cooking; he would have proposed to me had I not been already married to him!
My complaint is that my mind does not focus very well. I have forgotten several of my passwords and messed up my bank accounts. It is humbling for someone who takes pride in her “incredible” memory and “sharp” mind. Some days I cannot even write my blog because my mind is fuzzy. Today comes as a surprise as I write with ease. There are times even praying comes in fleeting thoughts and I am not sure what I have prayed about. But then it is not a matter of the content but the heart that counts. "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind" (Jer 17:10) and therefore we can only surrender our heart and mind to Him.
My friend noticed that there are some differences between my blog and Victor's blog in describing some of my chemotherapy side effects. I tend to report more on the positive and downplay the negative sensations because I don't want cancer or chemotherapy to "take over" my life. Victor is attentive to my symptoms because I tend to be whiny when I am with him. My veins are still somewhat swollen due to the injection. So I ask you to pray that it would be better before the 3rd shot.
Thank you for all your support!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
May 31 A Blessed Experience
For a few days, I let go of my efforts.
I had a blessed experience Saturday night. I sat close to the window, watching the magnificent lightning and thunderstorms. I felt sheltered under His wings. As I drifted into the Christian music, I prayed, not so much with words but just as I am. The Lord drew me into His presence. He carried me in His love and I rested in Him. It was silent beyond words.
(Zeph 3:17)
“He will be quiet in His love (NASU)
“He will quiet you in His love (NIV)
As we surrender, His love is there.
I had a blessed experience Saturday night. I sat close to the window, watching the magnificent lightning and thunderstorms. I felt sheltered under His wings. As I drifted into the Christian music, I prayed, not so much with words but just as I am. The Lord drew me into His presence. He carried me in His love and I rested in Him. It was silent beyond words.
(Zeph 3:17)
“He will be quiet in His love (NASU)
“He will quiet you in His love (NIV)
As we surrender, His love is there.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
May 27 2nd Round
Tuesday
Tuesday I had my second shot of chemotherapy. Since I am more familiar with the steps, it went smoothly. The Lord had this verse to prepare me: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) No suffering on earth is comparable to His and He chose this path so that by his wounds we are healed.
My home-help's son was sick so she had to take off early to care for him. I managed with my sister's help on Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom when to have the home-help back because I need to be extra cautious about infection.
In the middle of the night I had diarrhea. The abdominal cramps were scary. Initially I was not sure how bad it would be and whether we would need to go to the emergency room. In pain and panic my confidence collapsed – not sure whether I can manage the 6 cycles. I called upon the Lord to help me and thankfully I was able to fall asleep again and had a good rest.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling fine again. I praised the Lord for carrying me through. This incident was minor but I still felt totally wiped out and unmotivated – don’t care about news, TV or anything. I just managed our meals without the home-help. Victor was exhausted too because of the evening class and helping me through in the middle of the night. Once again I am reminded that my taste of "suffering" is trivial compared to what our Lord had gone through.
Balding
By the way, my “balding” is almost complete over the weekend. Victor captured that the shredding process was worst than being bald. Hair was everywhere, sometimes appearing in the food and water. People had warned me in advance but it was still gross. Victor was quick to sweep the floor and clean the tub so I did not have to deal with the mess too much. His sensitivity was a nice surprise to be commended!
It is difficult to imagine that God cares about each piece of our hair!
I have been wearing my blue hat almost all the time now to keep my head warm. With the blue mask, I am now visibly a cancer patient!
Today
While I know that “doing” is not everything, I am not sure if I am “being” much either. “Doing” can be observed, described and even quantified. “Being” is hard to define. What is my “being” now? Today I desired to be the Lord’s baby, resting in His lap.
Not sure what to ask you to pray for. The Holy Spirit would know!
Tuesday I had my second shot of chemotherapy. Since I am more familiar with the steps, it went smoothly. The Lord had this verse to prepare me: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) No suffering on earth is comparable to His and He chose this path so that by his wounds we are healed.
My home-help's son was sick so she had to take off early to care for him. I managed with my sister's help on Tuesday. Please pray for wisdom when to have the home-help back because I need to be extra cautious about infection.
In the middle of the night I had diarrhea. The abdominal cramps were scary. Initially I was not sure how bad it would be and whether we would need to go to the emergency room. In pain and panic my confidence collapsed – not sure whether I can manage the 6 cycles. I called upon the Lord to help me and thankfully I was able to fall asleep again and had a good rest.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling fine again. I praised the Lord for carrying me through. This incident was minor but I still felt totally wiped out and unmotivated – don’t care about news, TV or anything. I just managed our meals without the home-help. Victor was exhausted too because of the evening class and helping me through in the middle of the night. Once again I am reminded that my taste of "suffering" is trivial compared to what our Lord had gone through.
Balding
By the way, my “balding” is almost complete over the weekend. Victor captured that the shredding process was worst than being bald. Hair was everywhere, sometimes appearing in the food and water. People had warned me in advance but it was still gross. Victor was quick to sweep the floor and clean the tub so I did not have to deal with the mess too much. His sensitivity was a nice surprise to be commended!
It is difficult to imagine that God cares about each piece of our hair!
I have been wearing my blue hat almost all the time now to keep my head warm. With the blue mask, I am now visibly a cancer patient!
Today
While I know that “doing” is not everything, I am not sure if I am “being” much either. “Doing” can be observed, described and even quantified. “Being” is hard to define. What is my “being” now? Today I desired to be the Lord’s baby, resting in His lap.
Not sure what to ask you to pray for. The Holy Spirit would know!
Monday, May 24, 2010
May 24 Pass the Test
It was a long wait at the hospital today for the final check. I started to a bit anxious while waiting. What if my numbers are not "good enough" for the 2nd round of chemotherapy?! Fortunately the doctor said OKAY! I passed the test. Although my white blood count was indeed low on the 14th day, it went up again today so I am ready for tomorrow. I resisted the temptation to ask for the exact number because I woould not have any real control over it anyway. As long as she said I am fine doing the 2nd round, I am just going to take it as is.
Pray for my 2nd shot tomorrow. Pray for 1) a restful sleep tonight 2) my veins to be "cooperative", 3) receive the shot joyfully from the Lord as His healing agent.
Thank you!
Pray for my 2nd shot tomorrow. Pray for 1) a restful sleep tonight 2) my veins to be "cooperative", 3) receive the shot joyfully from the Lord as His healing agent.
Thank you!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May 23 God Moved My Cheese
God had “moved my cheese.” He provides manna instead.
Deut 8:3
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
During this time of illness, the Lord has indeed provided His manna each day. It appears in different forms, at different times and in different places. Sometimes a Bible verse, a call from a long-lost friend, an unexpected email from a colleague at the right time, an old hymn that drifts back to memory, kind gestures from family and friends, a magazinge article on a relevant topic, a thought provoking movie, sunlight through the clouds, etc. They are certainly blessings to be thankful for.
However I have some mild ambivalence too. First I am accustomed to relying on myself and finding cheese on my predictable path. I live on feelings of accomplishment; therefore my day is usually packed with activities to ensure I can achieve something. Next I schedule in pleasures and rewarding interactions with people. But now I am deprived of the familiar sources of satisfactions. Instead of cheese, I need to live on something different. There is a small part of me that wonders whether there would be sufficient manna to meet my daily needs throughout the treatment process. [But if I believe it to be manna, then it should be daily and throughout the journey to the promised land.] Another concern is whether my taste would change after this ordeal. Would I be having manna or still craving for cheese? I hope that I can have a renewed understanding of accomplishments. For now, let me allow myself to be a passive recipient of others’ love and care, cherishing them as God’s instruments of blessings. Since loving God with all our heart, soul & mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the most important in life, perhaps it is the right track for me to start.
Let me share my manna today with you:
Ps 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. NASU
Let me trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). He will ACCOMPLISH!
Deut 8:3
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
During this time of illness, the Lord has indeed provided His manna each day. It appears in different forms, at different times and in different places. Sometimes a Bible verse, a call from a long-lost friend, an unexpected email from a colleague at the right time, an old hymn that drifts back to memory, kind gestures from family and friends, a magazinge article on a relevant topic, a thought provoking movie, sunlight through the clouds, etc. They are certainly blessings to be thankful for.
However I have some mild ambivalence too. First I am accustomed to relying on myself and finding cheese on my predictable path. I live on feelings of accomplishment; therefore my day is usually packed with activities to ensure I can achieve something. Next I schedule in pleasures and rewarding interactions with people. But now I am deprived of the familiar sources of satisfactions. Instead of cheese, I need to live on something different. There is a small part of me that wonders whether there would be sufficient manna to meet my daily needs throughout the treatment process. [But if I believe it to be manna, then it should be daily and throughout the journey to the promised land.] Another concern is whether my taste would change after this ordeal. Would I be having manna or still craving for cheese? I hope that I can have a renewed understanding of accomplishments. For now, let me allow myself to be a passive recipient of others’ love and care, cherishing them as God’s instruments of blessings. Since loving God with all our heart, soul & mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves are the most important in life, perhaps it is the right track for me to start.
Let me share my manna today with you:
Ps 138:8 The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. NASU
Let me trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). He will ACCOMPLISH!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
May 18 Hair Loss Day
Today is a day full of mixed emotions.
First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]
I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.
In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical check up. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.
Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
First I felt much strength and joy when exercising in the morning. Then there was major hair lost during the shower. It is paradoxical that it is both a time to die and a time to live. I continue to pray that the cancer cells would die while the normal cells would recover and become more resilient. I also pray that I would die to my old self and my new self will emerge more fully in Him. [Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. NIV]
I had a special date with Victor today. We went to “Dialogue-in-the-dark,” (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.hk/) a 75-minute journey in darkness exploring different environments. I read about the exhibition in a magazine and decided that it would be a good experience for me during this time of illness. Indeed we both have a greater appreciation of the challenges faced by those with visual impairments. I learn too that instead of focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, I must appreciate the experiences within the tunnel as well. We still live even in darkness. When we cannot see, the Lord can reach out to us in other ways. His appearance can be a gentle whisper (I was reminded of Elijah’s experience in 1King 19:11-13); we must therefore hold onto the Holy Spirit within us who leads and guides.
In the afternoon, Victor told me the good news about his medical check up. Everything is right within the normal and healthy range. The report was even better than when he was in U.S. Praise the Lord! Then suddenly I turned irrational and became jealous – I tried to do the right things for health too but how come I had cancer?! I got mad when he claimed that it was because he exercised more! The truth is I lose confidence that I can take care of my health. Did I not have a “clean” bill of health during my last mammogram? I do not really know what is going on within my body and do not have real control of it. I must once again trust in my sovereign Lord's good will. Health or no health let us love the Lord with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind.
Ps 18:28 You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
May 16 Mandatory Retreat
Last week I was easily tired and at times slightly dizzy. I noticed I felt much better physically by Friday (Day 11 of the chemotherapy cycle) but this may also be due to having my favorite Starbucks Mocha.
The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5
1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Isn’t this a great passage?!
I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.
I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."
The Lord provided His special blessings each day when my flesh was weak. I am learning to trust my body in His hands since it is already offered to Him (Romans 12:1). I was reminded a few times that this “mandatory retreat” is good for my soul, a golden opportunity to draw close to God. In my study on the word “heal” I came across Psalm 103. Here is v. 1-5
1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits —
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Isn’t this a great passage?!
I am embarrassed to share that despite these spiritual blessings I felt guilty for not being “productive.” Insecurity seeps in when I have not “accomplished anything." While I know that our lives are not to be measured by achievements, I cannot help but judge myself that way. The truth is I value my own “contributions” more than receiving the Lord’s grace and blessings.
I ask your prayer on this, that I may be released from this "hook on accomplishment." Pray that I may have courage to plunge into this retreat mode, trusting in His providence of daily manna and be content in His presence "without doing much."
Friday, May 14, 2010
May 14 Food
Food has been an issue for me. It is a source of pleasure, responsibility and burden.
In the beginning, food is a source of pleasure! Mom rewarded us with snacks after homework, getting a good grade or simply being good. When I observed her cooking in the kitchen, she would cut a chunk of carrot or steam a piece of shrimp and stick it in my mouth. Lots of warmth and love associated with food!
In college I learned to manage cooking myself. Food was still a major source of gratification (now more complex than the simple pleasure)after a long day of study or a stressful exam. It was also important when partying with other students. Being a good cook was also associated with feminity - i.e. wife material. It was then my own responsibility to manage food purchase, cooking and clean up. It could be burdensome when busy and dangerously a craving on days when I longed to be cared for. When I started working and eating out became affordable, it gradually developed into a convenient way to reduce stress, to socialize with friends and to cut time spent on household chores.
After marriage and as a working pastor’s wife, food became mostly a demanding burden. First cooking is the primary household responsibility of the wife. Second I am now in charge of our health through proper food choices. Third a pastor’s wife needs to cook for others -- hospitality is important in pastoral ministries, especially in North America. There are lots of guilt feelings revolving around eating out and throwing away money, wasting time on cooking and dinner events and lack of motivation to improve cooking skills. My new guideline is 1) finish cooking, eating and cleaning up within an hour (with husband’s help), 2) eat out only with family and friends for socializing (or ministry) purposes for proper use of money , 3) “fast” food for lunch with the computer to save time, and 4) gratify self with food for good and bad events (due to limited sources of pleasures and stress-relief other than food.) My food choices are rather limited because I want to control time spent on purchasing (get the same thing from the same place without having to think) and cooking (quick and simple). I also like predictable pleasures ordering the same dish from chain restaurants – Starbucks mocha, Macaroni Grill seafood linguine, Maxim 雞鴨飯, ….
In illness food takes on a new meaning. It is now my primary duty! I can understand how people develop eating disorders – an excessive focus on food and eating is not good! Now I have to eat regardless of appetite. Nutrition is crucial and food preparation requires careful monitoring of hygiene. For cancer patients, environmental contamination is a scare. For breast cancer patients, my beloved chicken has suddenly turned into the ultimate estrogen-ized enemy.
“Give us this day our daily bread” (from the Lord’s Prayer) had been my prayer for a friend who has leukemia – to be able to take in food is a gift. Now I pray the same prayer for myself. I have to be thankful that so far my appetite is reasonablly well and I can take in food. After the chicken obsession and brief paranoia on germs a few days ago, I decide to further re-orient my attitude towards food.
I want to be thankful that God has given us every living thing for food. (Genesis 9:3“Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.” ). I pray for the healing of our water (2 Kings 2: 21-22) and our land (2 Chronicles 7: 14); help us take proper care of our environment so our food source can be healthy. I hope to receive (and enjoy?) food as a gift from God and not as a source of stress-relief and gratification of unknown emotional needs. I am not sure if I can take responsibility for health and nutritional needs within reasonable time and I pray that the Lord will guide me. [Perhaps there can be more 食療 restaurants and stores to help ignorant people like me!]
Now I am making an effort to “enjoy” trying new dishes since there is home-help to do the shopping and preparation of food. I can be the head chef. I had acne for the past few days due to perhaps side effects of chemotherapy or just lowered immunity. These pimples hurt! So I tried to put bitter melon juice on it to relieve the pain and then...why not cook a bitter melon dish?! Yesterday I tried bitter melon spareribs. First time I cooked this dish because I had always hated bitter melon. Surprisingly it was very good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coincidence or not, my pimples are better today.
Well so much for my food adventure! Give us this day our daily bread – may God bless us with the nutrition we need each day to strengthen our body for His use.
In the beginning, food is a source of pleasure! Mom rewarded us with snacks after homework, getting a good grade or simply being good. When I observed her cooking in the kitchen, she would cut a chunk of carrot or steam a piece of shrimp and stick it in my mouth. Lots of warmth and love associated with food!
In college I learned to manage cooking myself. Food was still a major source of gratification (now more complex than the simple pleasure)after a long day of study or a stressful exam. It was also important when partying with other students. Being a good cook was also associated with feminity - i.e. wife material. It was then my own responsibility to manage food purchase, cooking and clean up. It could be burdensome when busy and dangerously a craving on days when I longed to be cared for. When I started working and eating out became affordable, it gradually developed into a convenient way to reduce stress, to socialize with friends and to cut time spent on household chores.
After marriage and as a working pastor’s wife, food became mostly a demanding burden. First cooking is the primary household responsibility of the wife. Second I am now in charge of our health through proper food choices. Third a pastor’s wife needs to cook for others -- hospitality is important in pastoral ministries, especially in North America. There are lots of guilt feelings revolving around eating out and throwing away money, wasting time on cooking and dinner events and lack of motivation to improve cooking skills. My new guideline is 1) finish cooking, eating and cleaning up within an hour (with husband’s help), 2) eat out only with family and friends for socializing (or ministry) purposes for proper use of money , 3) “fast” food for lunch with the computer to save time, and 4) gratify self with food for good and bad events (due to limited sources of pleasures and stress-relief other than food.) My food choices are rather limited because I want to control time spent on purchasing (get the same thing from the same place without having to think) and cooking (quick and simple). I also like predictable pleasures ordering the same dish from chain restaurants – Starbucks mocha, Macaroni Grill seafood linguine, Maxim 雞鴨飯, ….
In illness food takes on a new meaning. It is now my primary duty! I can understand how people develop eating disorders – an excessive focus on food and eating is not good! Now I have to eat regardless of appetite. Nutrition is crucial and food preparation requires careful monitoring of hygiene. For cancer patients, environmental contamination is a scare. For breast cancer patients, my beloved chicken has suddenly turned into the ultimate estrogen-ized enemy.
“Give us this day our daily bread” (from the Lord’s Prayer) had been my prayer for a friend who has leukemia – to be able to take in food is a gift. Now I pray the same prayer for myself. I have to be thankful that so far my appetite is reasonablly well and I can take in food. After the chicken obsession and brief paranoia on germs a few days ago, I decide to further re-orient my attitude towards food.
I want to be thankful that God has given us every living thing for food. (Genesis 9:3“Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.” ). I pray for the healing of our water (2 Kings 2: 21-22) and our land (2 Chronicles 7: 14); help us take proper care of our environment so our food source can be healthy. I hope to receive (and enjoy?) food as a gift from God and not as a source of stress-relief and gratification of unknown emotional needs. I am not sure if I can take responsibility for health and nutritional needs within reasonable time and I pray that the Lord will guide me. [Perhaps there can be more 食療 restaurants and stores to help ignorant people like me!]
Now I am making an effort to “enjoy” trying new dishes since there is home-help to do the shopping and preparation of food. I can be the head chef. I had acne for the past few days due to perhaps side effects of chemotherapy or just lowered immunity. These pimples hurt! So I tried to put bitter melon juice on it to relieve the pain and then...why not cook a bitter melon dish?! Yesterday I tried bitter melon spareribs. First time I cooked this dish because I had always hated bitter melon. Surprisingly it was very good and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coincidence or not, my pimples are better today.
Well so much for my food adventure! Give us this day our daily bread – may God bless us with the nutrition we need each day to strengthen our body for His use.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
May 11 Immune System
Today is Day 8 after my 1st chemotherapy shot. My white blood count is supposed to be lowest on Day 7 to 11. I started my day on the right track – devotion, exercise, playing half an hour piano, eating lunch, nap, try some work, call a friend, etc.
Victor has class tonight and I had to fix and eat dinner alone. We bought a chicken and since I had not had chicken for such a long time, I became a bit obsessed. I wanted to cook something fancy; then started worrying about not eating right. Lastly I became unsure whether the chicken pieces were actually fully cooked! Some days I had "worry" attacks such as this.
Today I felt like my immune system was vulnerable and defenseless. I imagined the worst when an old lady sneezed a few feet away from me. Then I felt unsure about the food I had. It was mostly irrational but I lost objectivity. The truth is I cannot control my body. There is not much I can do about my white blood count. I can monitor my food intake but there is no guarantee my body takes in the nutrition. I cannot quite rely on my bodily sensations either because nauseating is a side effect of chemotherapy. I need to trust that my body can go through the chemotherapy. Most important I need to trust that God is taking care of my body. Please pray for rest in His healing hands.
Victor has class tonight and I had to fix and eat dinner alone. We bought a chicken and since I had not had chicken for such a long time, I became a bit obsessed. I wanted to cook something fancy; then started worrying about not eating right. Lastly I became unsure whether the chicken pieces were actually fully cooked! Some days I had "worry" attacks such as this.
Today I felt like my immune system was vulnerable and defenseless. I imagined the worst when an old lady sneezed a few feet away from me. Then I felt unsure about the food I had. It was mostly irrational but I lost objectivity. The truth is I cannot control my body. There is not much I can do about my white blood count. I can monitor my food intake but there is no guarantee my body takes in the nutrition. I cannot quite rely on my bodily sensations either because nauseating is a side effect of chemotherapy. I need to trust that my body can go through the chemotherapy. Most important I need to trust that God is taking care of my body. Please pray for rest in His healing hands.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
May 9 Blessings on the Lord's Day
The trip to Macau was fine - we were dead tired though! I had a good meeting with one of my bosses to discuss management of work. We then headed straight to the hospital for my medical appointment. It was quite a wait. By 6 pm everyone was gone and the office was about to close; I was praying desperately that I could meet the doctor and complete the paperwork needed. Thankfully everything was finally done. We managed both ferry rides without throwing up!
Yesterday we just rested.
This morning I still felt really tiring. After an afternoon nap, the Lord prompted me to walk outside. As I excerised in the garden, the glimpse of sunshine through the clouds lifted my heart. I was reminded of the Lord's face shining upon us:
Psalm 4:6-8 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. 7 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. 8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (NIV)
The Lord gave me hope that He can renew my heart each day even as my body would be "wasting away" during this time. though my body is failing. [2 Cor 4:16-17
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.]
Yesterday we just rested.
This morning I still felt really tiring. After an afternoon nap, the Lord prompted me to walk outside. As I excerised in the garden, the glimpse of sunshine through the clouds lifted my heart. I was reminded of the Lord's face shining upon us:
Psalm 4:6-8 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. 7 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. 8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. (NIV)
The Lord gave me hope that He can renew my heart each day even as my body would be "wasting away" during this time. though my body is failing. [2 Cor 4:16-17
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.]
Thursday, May 6, 2010
May 6 Prayer Request for Victor
Dear Friends,
Please remember Victor in your prayer. He is not feeling too well this morning - it may be nothing. No temperature. But I was somewhat concerned. Please pray for special mercy on him.
On Tuesday he picked me up from hospital after my chemotherapy. He missed the shuttle bus because a dead body was discovered on Man Wan beach (wow!) He then took the next shuttle but then there was a car accident. Fortunately there was no injury and he managed to arrive when I finished my shots. We are keenly aware that there are various incidents in life - e.g. he lost his cell phone about 2 weeks ago. I pray that these hassles and incidents do not add up to give him too much stress.
Tomorrow we have an appointment to see the doctor in Macau to verify my sick leave. Please pray for a smooth meeting. [This is the doctor who first gave me the "death penalty" look!] Also pray for a safe journey (general safety + protection from infection) and a positive attitude. I will have a brief meeting with some of my colleagues too.
Thank you for being there!
Please remember Victor in your prayer. He is not feeling too well this morning - it may be nothing. No temperature. But I was somewhat concerned. Please pray for special mercy on him.
On Tuesday he picked me up from hospital after my chemotherapy. He missed the shuttle bus because a dead body was discovered on Man Wan beach (wow!) He then took the next shuttle but then there was a car accident. Fortunately there was no injury and he managed to arrive when I finished my shots. We are keenly aware that there are various incidents in life - e.g. he lost his cell phone about 2 weeks ago. I pray that these hassles and incidents do not add up to give him too much stress.
Tomorrow we have an appointment to see the doctor in Macau to verify my sick leave. Please pray for a smooth meeting. [This is the doctor who first gave me the "death penalty" look!] Also pray for a safe journey (general safety + protection from infection) and a positive attitude. I will have a brief meeting with some of my colleagues too.
Thank you for being there!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
May 5th First Day of Chemotherapy
Yesterday I had my first chemotherapy shot. I went early in the morning to get ready. Everything went smoothly. There were discomforts but not pain.
I have been studying the word “heal” in the bible. In Exodus 15: 22-26, the Israelites went to Marah where the water was too bitter to take and they began to grumble. The Lord instructed Moses to cast a piece of wood into the water and the water became sweet. The Israelites were reminded that “…for I am the Lord, who heals you” (v26) Yesterday I prayed that the Lord would mysteriously put a piece of wood into the drugs and that my body would be able to receive them as good and healing agents. For it is the Lord who heals. Please pray with me in this process.
Although I preferred to be quiet during the intravenous injection of the drugs, I learned quite a few things listening to other chatty patients’ stories. Some of them have “severe” forms of cancer. Some have more family support and some try to manage on their own. People compared notes. There is really no point comparing ourselves with others conditions or circumstances. We are not better or worse off. The future is not known yet. We are responsible only for our treatment journey.
I recognize that this principle should apply to life in general. Sometimes we set ourselves up for unnecessary misery when we compare ourselves with others based on irrelevant (or worldly) criteria we set up. These criteria can be individual attributes such as appearance, accomplishments, personality, family characteristics, social status, network, positions of influence and power, etc. It can be anything. This preoccupation can drive us to envy and jealousy as we strive to be “one-up”. One warning sign of pride is the desire to be “one-up”. This is harmful, especially when it divert us from making meaning in our own life journey.
Comparing notes is different – I certainly learn something new about managing the chemotherapy process comparing notes with others. In life, if we are not comparing to pit ourselves against another person, the process is drastically different. It would be sharing, encouragement, mutual learning and camaraderie in the life journey. We can learn from others’ successes and failures, share tears and joys and inspire each other to improve and grow. We are each a unique individual created by our loving Father. Only God knows our past, present and future. So let’s set our hearts on discovering what we can become in His love. May the Lord free us from competitive comparisons and help us embrace each other’s companionship in His love!
I have been studying the word “heal” in the bible. In Exodus 15: 22-26, the Israelites went to Marah where the water was too bitter to take and they began to grumble. The Lord instructed Moses to cast a piece of wood into the water and the water became sweet. The Israelites were reminded that “…for I am the Lord, who heals you” (v26) Yesterday I prayed that the Lord would mysteriously put a piece of wood into the drugs and that my body would be able to receive them as good and healing agents. For it is the Lord who heals. Please pray with me in this process.
Although I preferred to be quiet during the intravenous injection of the drugs, I learned quite a few things listening to other chatty patients’ stories. Some of them have “severe” forms of cancer. Some have more family support and some try to manage on their own. People compared notes. There is really no point comparing ourselves with others conditions or circumstances. We are not better or worse off. The future is not known yet. We are responsible only for our treatment journey.
I recognize that this principle should apply to life in general. Sometimes we set ourselves up for unnecessary misery when we compare ourselves with others based on irrelevant (or worldly) criteria we set up. These criteria can be individual attributes such as appearance, accomplishments, personality, family characteristics, social status, network, positions of influence and power, etc. It can be anything. This preoccupation can drive us to envy and jealousy as we strive to be “one-up”. One warning sign of pride is the desire to be “one-up”. This is harmful, especially when it divert us from making meaning in our own life journey.
Comparing notes is different – I certainly learn something new about managing the chemotherapy process comparing notes with others. In life, if we are not comparing to pit ourselves against another person, the process is drastically different. It would be sharing, encouragement, mutual learning and camaraderie in the life journey. We can learn from others’ successes and failures, share tears and joys and inspire each other to improve and grow. We are each a unique individual created by our loving Father. Only God knows our past, present and future. So let’s set our hearts on discovering what we can become in His love. May the Lord free us from competitive comparisons and help us embrace each other’s companionship in His love!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
May 3rd Preparation for Chemotherapy
The Lord has helped me prepare for chemotherapy step by step.
After reading more journal articles, I learned that the benefit of aditional chemotherapy differs depending on the specific types of breast cancer. Future research on cancer gene studies may spare me from chemoetherapy afterall. However for now this is something I must go through. I will therefore receive it from the Lord and trust that He can use it to benefit me in His own mysterious way.
I am holding onto 2 Cor 4:16-17 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." NIV
所以我們不喪膽．外體雖然毀壞、內心卻一天新似一天。我們這至暫至輕的苦楚、要為我們成就極重無比永遠的榮耀。
This verse reminds us that ultimately we are all going to face the fact that our body would be wasting away, so perhaps this is a good time for me to practice being renewed inwardly day by day by Him. May this be a process of His renewal.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers.
After reading more journal articles, I learned that the benefit of aditional chemotherapy differs depending on the specific types of breast cancer. Future research on cancer gene studies may spare me from chemoetherapy afterall. However for now this is something I must go through. I will therefore receive it from the Lord and trust that He can use it to benefit me in His own mysterious way.
I am holding onto 2 Cor 4:16-17 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." NIV
所以我們不喪膽．外體雖然毀壞、內心卻一天新似一天。我們這至暫至輕的苦楚、要為我們成就極重無比永遠的榮耀。
This verse reminds us that ultimately we are all going to face the fact that our body would be wasting away, so perhaps this is a good time for me to practice being renewed inwardly day by day by Him. May this be a process of His renewal.
Thank you for remembering me in your prayers.
May 1 A Precious Soul
Great news!
I shared about my friend’s father on the April 25th blog entry. He had been bringing me food after my surgery and was then found to have a serious heart condition. He could have a heart attack during these food delivery errands! Fortunately our sovereign Lord's plan is most brilliant! He protected him and prepared something wonderful for him. He now has a pace maker installed. I visited after his discharge from hospital. He then shared his experience; apparently the Lord had prepared his heart to receive His salvation during hospitalization. Victor and I had the privilege of sharing the Gospel with him last night and he accepted Christ in the presence of his daughter and grand-daughter! Praise the Lord!!
This is also God’s very special gift to me. Since my discovery of cancer, I realized my unfinished task on earth is to faithfully and diligently share the Gospel. [Particularly I was just starting a bible study group with mainland students and I prayed that someday I could return to the task and win the battle for God. 收復失地!]However I did not feel like I am gifted in evangelism. in this incident, the Lord shows me He works in mysterious ways. He is the one who prepares the souls for His salvation and we are sent only as messengers.
Please remmber this precious soul in your prayer. May the Lord further reveal Himself to him! We will be going to worship together tomorrow and may we all witness the work of the Holy Spirit.
I shared about my friend’s father on the April 25th blog entry. He had been bringing me food after my surgery and was then found to have a serious heart condition. He could have a heart attack during these food delivery errands! Fortunately our sovereign Lord's plan is most brilliant! He protected him and prepared something wonderful for him. He now has a pace maker installed. I visited after his discharge from hospital. He then shared his experience; apparently the Lord had prepared his heart to receive His salvation during hospitalization. Victor and I had the privilege of sharing the Gospel with him last night and he accepted Christ in the presence of his daughter and grand-daughter! Praise the Lord!!
This is also God’s very special gift to me. Since my discovery of cancer, I realized my unfinished task on earth is to faithfully and diligently share the Gospel. [Particularly I was just starting a bible study group with mainland students and I prayed that someday I could return to the task and win the battle for God. 收復失地!]However I did not feel like I am gifted in evangelism. in this incident, the Lord shows me He works in mysterious ways. He is the one who prepares the souls for His salvation and we are sent only as messengers.
Please remmber this precious soul in your prayer. May the Lord further reveal Himself to him! We will be going to worship together tomorrow and may we all witness the work of the Holy Spirit.
May 1 Lessons on Healing (1) - Asa
I have shared with you before that I would study the word “heal” in the Bible [rapha in the Old Testament]. Since then I have learned quite a few precious lessons. Let me share one with you today on King Asa.
King Asa started off on the right path doing what was right in the eyes of the Lord. His heart was fully committed to the Lord (1 Kings 5: 14, 2 Chronicles 14: 17).
During Asa’ reign, the country was at peace. The word “peace” or “rest” (from two different Hebrew words [nuwach & shaqat] occurred four times in verses 1-7. Most notably, Asa acknowledged that it was the Lord who gave them rest on every side and therefore they were able to build the towns and prosper (v.7).
In Asa’s first war with the Cushites, he called on the Lord and relied on Him. After this first victory, God encouraged him through the prophet Azariah: “The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you… (2 Chron 15:2-3).” Asa then took courage to further remove idolatry in Judah, even to the extent of deposing his grandmother Maacah who made a repulsive Asherah pole from the queen mother position. He repaired the altar and assembled the people before the Lord, leading the congregation to a recommitment to seek after God. “All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side.” (2 Chron 15:15). There was no more war until the thirty-fifth year of Asa's reign ( v.19).
Unfortunately when Baasha king of Israel went up against Judah, Asa turned to Ben-Hadad king of Aram for help. [Note: Israel and Judah were the Northern and Southern Kingdom, they were actually one family.] He took the silver and gold out of the treasuries of the Lord's temple and of his own palace in order to build a treaty with this foreign king for security. Hanini the prophet came to warn him and reminded him of the Lord’s deliverance when he relied on the Lord, “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chron 16:8-9). But Asa was so enraged he put Hanini into prison instead. In the meantime he also began oppressing the people.
There are three important repetitions (relevant themes) in my study of Asa: 1) fully committed to the Lord (3 times), 2) peace/rest, 3) seek after God. I think the most unique is Asa’s “fully committed” to the Lord. The Hebrew words [shalem (“perfect,” “full”), lebab (“heart”)] can be translated as perfect heart. Asa is the only king described with this perfect heart (2 times). Unfortunately he did not seek after God again when the prophet reminded him to do so in his failure. Finally Asa “was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the Lord, but only from the physicians (2 Chron 16:12-13). {The word physicians is "rapha" in Hebrew - healing] How very sad! The Bible clearly indicated that he could have sought help from the Lord.
In my illness I am reminded of the privilege to seek help from the Lord. Today when I woke up, I prayed for all of us to remain fully committed to the Lord until the very end. In all hardships let us not rely on worldly strengths, resources and knowledge. If we have swayed, may we return to the Lord once we are reminded!
“The Lord is with you when you are with him” (2 Chronicles 15:2)
“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chronicles 16:9) – HE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!
King Asa started off on the right path doing what was right in the eyes of the Lord. His heart was fully committed to the Lord (1 Kings 5: 14, 2 Chronicles 14: 17).
During Asa’ reign, the country was at peace. The word “peace” or “rest” (from two different Hebrew words [nuwach & shaqat] occurred four times in verses 1-7. Most notably, Asa acknowledged that it was the Lord who gave them rest on every side and therefore they were able to build the towns and prosper (v.7).
In Asa’s first war with the Cushites, he called on the Lord and relied on Him. After this first victory, God encouraged him through the prophet Azariah: “The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you… (2 Chron 15:2-3).” Asa then took courage to further remove idolatry in Judah, even to the extent of deposing his grandmother Maacah who made a repulsive Asherah pole from the queen mother position. He repaired the altar and assembled the people before the Lord, leading the congregation to a recommitment to seek after God. “All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side.” (2 Chron 15:15). There was no more war until the thirty-fifth year of Asa's reign ( v.19).
Unfortunately when Baasha king of Israel went up against Judah, Asa turned to Ben-Hadad king of Aram for help. [Note: Israel and Judah were the Northern and Southern Kingdom, they were actually one family.] He took the silver and gold out of the treasuries of the Lord's temple and of his own palace in order to build a treaty with this foreign king for security. Hanini the prophet came to warn him and reminded him of the Lord’s deliverance when he relied on the Lord, “For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chron 16:8-9). But Asa was so enraged he put Hanini into prison instead. In the meantime he also began oppressing the people.
There are three important repetitions (relevant themes) in my study of Asa: 1) fully committed to the Lord (3 times), 2) peace/rest, 3) seek after God. I think the most unique is Asa’s “fully committed” to the Lord. The Hebrew words [shalem (“perfect,” “full”), lebab (“heart”)] can be translated as perfect heart. Asa is the only king described with this perfect heart (2 times). Unfortunately he did not seek after God again when the prophet reminded him to do so in his failure. Finally Asa “was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the Lord, but only from the physicians (2 Chron 16:12-13). {The word physicians is "rapha" in Hebrew - healing] How very sad! The Bible clearly indicated that he could have sought help from the Lord.
In my illness I am reminded of the privilege to seek help from the Lord. Today when I woke up, I prayed for all of us to remain fully committed to the Lord until the very end. In all hardships let us not rely on worldly strengths, resources and knowledge. If we have swayed, may we return to the Lord once we are reminded!
“The Lord is with you when you are with him” (2 Chronicles 15:2)
“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chronicles 16:9) – HE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!
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