March 30 The Scar

Yesterday I went to the doctor’s office to have the draining tubes and most of the tapes removed. I then have a good look at my body at home, with the scars and everything. Prior to the surgery I read about mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. At first I wasn’t too sure about the reconstruction, with the additional surgery time and potential risks. Now I am glad because my body does not feel very different unless I intentionally look at the scars.

On the first day home, I watched TV and really noticed the beautiful figure of the women. Usually I would not even pay any attention or would simply think they need to cover their bodies with more clothes. I hope this attraction to woman's beautiful body figure is only temporary! But I did feel a sense of loss.

Regarding mastectomy, it is said that women have to mourn over the loss of the attribute of 1) femininity, 2) maternity and 3) sexuality. As I reflect on this I think I have problems in all 3 areas. First I never feel very feminine growing up; I would rather be a boy. Second, I do not have kids and never have the privilege nursing a baby. Third, sexuality is a taboo topic and most people have some unresolved issues. The mastectomy raises these issues but what I am dealing with is the mourning of incomplete womanhood rather than a physical body part.

I searched the Bible and studied the word “breast” focusing on the OT word shad (shad); or shod (shode). The breasts are indeed associated with feminity (mostly with the female body with some rather interesting descriptions in the Songs of Songs (Ch 4: 5, Ch 7: 3, 7, 8, Ch 8: 8, 10). In Isaiah, maternal nurturance (60:16, 66:11) is used metaphorically. When sexuality is associated, it seems mostly negative with the breasts described graphically and violently in relation to adultery and whoredom (Ezekiah 23: 3, 21, 34, Hosea 2:2). Wow! Overwhelming!

The most positive verse is Ps 22:9-10: Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. 10 From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God. (NIV) Psychologist Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory suggests that we develop a sense of basic trust during the nursing stage in infancy. The goodness from our mother's nuturance allows us to develop a basic sense of trust.

You can tell I do not really know what I am talking about because I have not really resolved issues related to womanhood. The surgery and the scar only give me a chance to ponder on this a little bit more. May the Lord grant me some new understanding that perhaps even at this old age I can embrace womanhood from a godly perspective. For now let me reclaim the whole body as an offering again: Romans 12:1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship.” (NIV)

In the meantime the doctor said I need to work on straightening my back. I don’t want to become a hunchback or 蝦米乾, it would be worse than mastectomy. Please pray for that. Will visit the doctor on Thursday and find out more about follow-up treatment.