March 12 Decision-making in Life

March 12
Yesterday I did a lot of cleaning to get the house ready for sterilization (required for follow-up chemotherapy when one's immune system is down). It was actually not as difficult. Today I made arrangements for my courses and felt good that it is now in other people’s hands. I have to let go.

Then I decided to read more about mastectomy and prepare myself to face the psychological consequences. One thing I learned from reading the journal articles is that Chinese women in general tend to opt for mastectomy versus breast conserving therapy, considering it as more efficacious in managing cancer. They also tend to prefer a clear recommendation from their physician. One article was particularly helpful - Gambling with your life: The process of breast cancer treatment decision making in Chinese women (Lam et al, 2005). It is a qualitative study highlighting women’s decision making process. I feel much better reading it because I can really identify with the difficulties. The truth is you cannot really make decisions based on rational analytical processes. “Decisions were, for the most part, made using intuitive, pragmatic and emotionally driven criteria in the absence of complete information.”

While this may be classified as “fatalism” in scientific research, I think ultimately I have to trust in the sovereignty of God. We judge decisions by the outcome – the school we go to, career choices, the person we marry, the mutual fund we pick, the timing to sell the house, etc. Yet you won't know the outcome until you are there. Sometimes a good decision does not bring the good outcome promised while some bad decisions still reap surprisingly good results and you feel lucky or blessed. As much as I try to think rationally, weigh the pros and cons carefully to take charge of different circumstances in life, there are too many things beyond control. It is not gambling; it is humbling. To me the only important decisions are moral ones. The ultimate one is to choose God.