April 15 The Spiritual Warfare

This blog entry is difficult to write and I debated whether to share it or not. I decided to do so because I have been asking you to pray with me. I am fighting a spiritual warfare. Cancer is only a disease; you may die if you lose the battle. But spiritual warfare has different implications beyond our knowledge.

A few months ago I have been dealing with my sins. They are not specific moral transgressions, rather they are thoughts or desires from within. Primarily I am struggling with pride and vanity, with other sins evolving around them. Pride and vanity are closely associated with "narcissism" in the modern sense, a topic I have examined both intellectually and personally since my graduate studies in psychology. The pride may have originated from a strong need to be affirmed and valued and I have always been driven by the fear of failure and fear of abandonment. [No matter how good one’s childhood maybe, there are some residual wounds.] As a psychotherapist, my viewpoint is that the need to be affirmed, loved and valued is only natural. Nevertheless when the natural human desire for love becomes tweaked, we should take it seriously. One can become success-driven, competitive for power, and attention/adoration craving as well resentful, angry and envious when such needs are not gratified. We need to confront them seriously as sin such that we can claim power from the Lord to triumph over them.

Psalms 51:5-6
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. NIV
I have been working on pride and vanity for quite a few years but more intensely in the past months. [Victor thinks I am a bit too preoccupied with this, which can also be related to my perfectionist and guilt-prone tendencies. So I need to be prudent. I do consider this a path for me to receive the Lord’s grace.] Pride (or narcissism) is difficult to fix. Humility is an antidote, so being humble is good. The only real cure though is to experience real love (from God and from people), then we do not need to crave for adoration and superiority. [In psychotherapy, Kohut uses the word “empathy”.] [Another side note: Writing a blog about my illness seems rather narcissistic too! : ) Hopefully staying truthful and honest about the experience counters it.]

During this time of struggle I had one eerie dream of a spiritual nature. Such dreams had occurred only a few times in my life. I usually do not share such unusual experiences with others as I regard them to be of a very personal nature between me and God. In the dream I noticed the tail of the serpent. I recognized this to be the Evil One and was alarmed. Before I could call on the name of the Lord for help, it had a firm bite holding onto my right hand. I was fearful in the dream and thought “I have to fight very hard this time.” I woke up feeling quite shaken. In the following weeks however I had been loaded with spiritual blessings – the Lord had granted me new insights, forgiveness of sins and assurances. I felt confident that the Lord would set me free and that perhaps my hand had already been released from the evil one's firm bite. When I was diagnosed with cancer – the “fighting very hard” took on a different meaning metaphorically. I realized then it was just the beginning.

While fighting cancer is not necessarily a spiritual warfare for everyone, it is the case for me. In some way the Lord had prepared me for it. The GOOD FIGHT is indeed a spiritual warfare. Ultimately we have only one enemy – the evil one.

Eph 6:12-14
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. NIV

1 Peter 4:1-3
Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. 2 As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.
NIV