Yesterday my morning routine of devotion and exercise was disrupted because the home help came in the morning. Not good missing that personal time to anchor in the Lord. Afterwards I rushed to the hospital – regarding the treatment it was somewhat as expected. I was prepared to ask about 2 chemotherapy regimens – FAC versus TAC. I have second thoughts about my decision though - should I pay for a drug with more side effects because recent research suggests it increase the survival rate by a few percent or should I go with the regular regimen with fewer side effects and use the money for herbal medicine afterwards? It is a paradox - cancer drugs destroy the good and the bad. Will it work as a medicine or a poison in my body? I have to hold onto God who heals. Please pray for wisdom and peace.
Yesterday at the hospital I suddenly became fearful of remaining a patient, going in and out of hospital for the rest of my life. Thoughts of aging, declining health and death without the support of family and friends’ haunt me. I tried to restrain these “negative thoughts.” But then mindfulness training would suggest that we come to accept these thoughts and feelings. In order to break free from fears (of pain, illness, death, etc.) the only path is to face them as they are and accept them. Fears exist within us and not in the circumstances. I am learning to accept these realities of life. Perhaps I can find courage and strength when confronting with my own fears and frailties.
“Work” is tricky when one is in some serious illness. I feel bored, guilty and useless when I don’t do any work. However when I start working, I become easily frustrated because I cannot go full steam. This leads to self-doubt and feeling useless as well. Either way I don’t feel very good! I try to hold onto or look forward to a future work life and yet at the same time I am letting go of work aspirations. I think I would continue to live in this paradox – wanting to immerse in work and have contributions and yet needing to somewhat detach and not let work becomes the center of my life. Hopefully I put work in the right perspective.
I am embracing life and death at the same time!
At the end of the day when I prayed with Victor, I acknowledged that my condition is trivial compared to the earthquake victims and many other people in much more trying circumstances. Lord, grant me the strength to live each day to the best I can.
Please also pray that home help arrangements would work out as chemotherapy is starting soon! Really need God's blessing on that.
We would continue to pray for you. The illness serves as a blessing in disguise to remind us to live in the present and to live to the full. I would like to share with you the following article:
ReplyDelete有些人活了一把年紀，卻好像沒有真正沒「活著」，因為他們未曾活於現在，總是活於過去的痛苦或擔憂將來。其實，快樂自在的種子已在我們的心底，問題是我們能否活在當下，享受此時此刻。正如聖經所說：「你 要 保 守 你 心 、 勝 過 保 守 一 切 〔 或 作 你 要 切 切 保 守 你 心 〕 因 為 一 生 的 果 效 、 是 由 心 發 出 。」心靈的滿足與自在是不需假外求，我們只要好好保守自己的心，活在當下。
一個人跌落在流沙中，他愈是掙扎，他便愈沉入流沙中，不能自拔。他惟一自救的方法是放棄掙扎，攤開雙手，躺臥及浮在流沙上。在這個「掙扎的開關」比喻中，挣扎好像一個開關。當我們受憂慮情緒所困，我們極力掙扎，像是開啟了「掙扎的開關」。我們容易為自己的憂慮感到忿怒或憂慮，「為何我不能控制自己的憂慮？自己真是没有用！」，「這樣憂慮下去會否影響我的身體？」。這些由掙扎而來的情緒帶我們進入另一個痛苦自責的惡性循環，苦上加苦！相反地，如果我們沒有開啟「掙扎的開關」，無論這些情緒是正面抑或負面，我們皆願意接受，不浪費時間及精力在掙扎上。(Harris, 2006)
很同意Anonymous所言，及文章所說的。既然口裏說倚靠神，就要學習應用在生活上，活出來，雖然不易，但正是衪要我們學的。記得神最喜愛孩童，就是祂們的完全倚靠。在化療期間，把自己的作息及工作調適好，以休息及養好身體為主，否則再有好的本領，沒有健康身體有何用？憂慮與恐懼只會加速身體惡化，學會放鬆，坦然面對神給你的考驗，好好面對每一天，多吃一點，多睡一點，人也會好一點，各樣多一點就是力量。當然還有最大的支持者─神，祂一定不會給你所能負擔的。
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMrAafe7Mns
ReplyDeleteLife is decision makeings, some are easy, some even write out the pro and con is still 50/50. same with FAC and TAC. There is still a couple of weeks before you need to make that final choice. Our Lord will grant you the peace no matter what your decision is because He understands you and you are His good fighter now !!
ReplyDeleteLast week class I learned about wisdom books of the Bible. The lecturer use a very good illustration for openning of the book of Job. He said sometimes when 2 countries go to war instead of a whole army fighting against each other, Each king sends out his warrior and whoever wins, win the battle. Job is the fighter that God sends. God put HIS TRUST in Job and He takes the challenge. It is a completition between God and Satan and God is saying Job is my champion. He knows Job.
God knows you,Doris. He know you way before you were born and He knows some times in the future this "cancer" will be in your way. Yes, you are the only fighter on God's side but don't forget you have a lot of people supporting you "Go Doris, Go !!" We are outside the field but our spirtits are with you inside the field. There are a lot of people whom you know or don't know are following your blogs. They pray "don't lose heart, keep going" Don't let Satan fool your or discourage you. In the end Job wins so is God. We know you are going to win becasue we have the almighty God on our side.
Fear is normal when one think of cancer, Chemo, going in and out of hospital, medications the rest of the life, etc. etc. Let your fear be known we are human.
When I have my ear surgery, even the sucessful rate is 95% but on that surgery morning I was very fearful. What if I am the 5%, that I never wake up from the surgery desk. I don't want to die. When Joshua decided to go STM in 2008, I didn't want him to go to those KK countries. What if he does go there, fear creeps up all the time. In the end you know, he went to Taiwan, when i got the news that they made a mistake thinking Joshua is the one who sub. the guy that dropped out from the Taiwan team, I shared that with our Chan C-Mo. I said "Oh, GOD is so good!" She said" Vivien, God is so merciful, He knows how much you can handle"
Doris, I have been holding on to that ever since. When Henry's eye-pressure dropped to 2, I fear that one day he will get up and tell me that he can't see. Then I remember God is mericful He will not give me things that I can't carry or handle. If it really comes, He will sustain me and gives me the strength. "Whatever your days are, so shall your strength be" Singing helps me drive away my fears. I thank God for those who wrote all those good hymns for comforting, encouraging.
Sing, "sing Hallelujah to the Lord." "All my confusion, He understood. All I had to offer Him was brokeness and strife BUT He made something beautiful of my life"
pray for you having a good homehelper
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