Yesterday was a lousy day. I felt tired all day and was unmotivated to do anything. Wasn’t sure whether it was physical or psychological. I doubted my body would ever recover. First, my “straightening up” seems to be very slow. Second, I am gradually integrating the scars as part of my new body. Third, the reality is that chemotherapy, radiotherapy and hormonal therapy all have their side effects and may have long-term impact on the body. It is difficult to imagine that I can become “better.”
No wonder Job began to curse his date of birth (Job 3) when he was in great pain and anguish. He could not see beyond his suffering and hope for any good in the future. In the midst of afflictions, who can imagine that there is light at the end of the tunnel? Does the tunnel even have an end?
Yesterday was Good Friday; I seem to easily identify with the disciples who fled. I wonder what they did between Good Friday and the Resurrection Day. What was there to hope for when Jesus was crucified? He was buried in a tomb with a stone at the entrance and guarded by soldiers (Matt 27:57-65). There was not much left to do – except to prepare spices for the anointing of the body. Who can ever envision resurrection?
I cannot know what would happen at the end of the journey. Or how the journey may end. I can hope for the best. Yet if I expect a particular outcome or circumstance, it is more than likely I would be disappointed. My body may not recover in the way I would want it to be. I need to place my hope in God Himself and to wait patiently for His good will.
Rom 8:24-25
24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. NIV
I don't know how long the tunnel will be, but I know Jesus is walking with us in the tunnel. As far as I can tell, you are on the right track spiritually - "place our hope in God Himself and wait patiently for His good will". Hope is not just a biblical or theolgcial term. It grants us the motivation/peace when we are walking along this journay.
ReplyDeleteYes, your body will be totally different so is your spiritual life !! You will be a blessing to those that will go thru. similar situation. The hard part is when you are going thru. it, the tunnel seems never end and the light is far far away. The discomfrot, pain, fear and unknown drain you. Our Lord is holding your hands and carries you thru. think of yourself as a young girl, your parents are carrying you or a older siblings is holding your hand. you feel secure and safe. Rest in His arms and trust Him. He will carry you thru.
ReplyDeleteAll those who loves you, praying for you are going thru. this journey with you.
please update me when you start the chemo treatment. TAKE CARE of yourself. Sleep well and eat well, at least as far as possible.
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